How to deal with a colleague?

[TheTruthAboutLove]

I apologise in advance as this is going to be long!

I work in a team of five, a team leader and then four others. We are in an enclosed office and rarely get to visit other departments.
One of the women in our office used to work with our team leader and also another woman in the office in a previous role. She has a reputation as being a diva, won’t do anything for herself or listen to instruction, basically wants everyone to do everything for her.

About four months ago, she started asking us colleagues to lend her money, it was small amounts at first and then was asking for £80. She got it from one of the other women and took two months to pay it back - it’s well known she is a shopaholic and from what we understand her husband limits her spending and blocked her bank card, hence her coming to us.

As the months have gone on, one colleague has raised a grievance against her as she just couldn’t accept a promotion a colleague was given and so was bullying and belittling to her. She makes no attempt to join in with group conversations, instead preferring to be the best friend of one team member and idolise them for a few months and have them on a pedestal until she has no use for them. She sits as far away as possible from us all in the office and makes zero attempt to integrate.

Which brings me to my problems with her. I do all the IT in the office and have shown everyone several times how to do things with our system - she won’t take it in, she has guides and refuses to do them and asks me which has begun to test my patience as she should be doing what everyone else is. She does things in defiance like a child - we have all asked her to park her car in a different place as where she parks blocks us in, she refuses and just carries on with what she wants.

She has really bad panic attacks, paranoia, believes everyone hates her and we think depression and anxiety too. Cumulating in the Christmas party last week her having fully blown panic attacks because she ‘feels isolated’. It ruined the party for me if I’m being honest, and I’m fed up with it - she won’t admit she has any sort of mental health problem, and she always goes down the ‘I’m not a fucking looney’ line which is incredibly disrespectful.

My Manager called her in yesterday for a chat, and rather than accept the help that’s been offered she decided instead to blame me for all of her problems. Everything according to her was my fault and this is the reason she’s having panic attacks. All because I didn’t ask her one day but asked everyone else if they wanted stuff from the shops at lunchtime. And because I get frustrated with repeating myself as she won’t take any information in.

So I’m now at a loss, I can’t carry on next year in this job with her there and I’m extremely hurt she’s blamed me rather than actually admit she needs to possibly speak to someone or see a doctor. My Manager doesn’t believe any of it but it needs to be managed correctly which I don’t think is happening.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with a colleague like this? Everyone is on a knife edge when she’s in, scared to say anything when she’s around in case it offends her, it’s awkward every single day and I’m starting to feel like my only option is to leave the company to be in a better environment. But if she won’t admit she has a problem, nobody can help.

Hey, don't entertain the drama. Do your job. Report if she defies the rules. This kind of behaviour relies on others reacting. Just don't. So draining though.
The only thing I do to help me through people like this is to remember that it's good training. One day you'll manage someone like this, learn from now how to disengage.
Sorry, not totally helpful. Just keep perspective x

As long as your Manager believes that you have nothing to do with this colleague's misdemeanours then just carry on doing your role responsibilities.

Also hold a meeting in early NY specifically to reconfirm your own personal Objectives and what your manager needs you to deliver. If you doing IT for all staff isn't actually your job, then you need to flag this to your Manager, as it's all well and good you pitching in to help but if it isn't your job and you aren't getting paid to do that, then you could be giving yourself a world of pressure and potential for people to heap the blame on you if it all goes badly wrong.

Btw, if IT is one of your core responsibilities then you should have the authority vesting in you to enforce certain activities have to be completed by staff, such as required training, using manuals and documentation provided. You could therefore have a come back if this colleague refuses to abide by IT protocol.

People like that are a bloody nightmare. I wouldn't count on her being dealt with to be honest - it sounds rather like she is being allowed to rule the roost.

I'd move on if I were you.

I would raise a formal grievance to ensure the matter is dealt with and is on record.

Thank you all for your advice.

The actual truth is that I have been offered another job, and was so hesitant to take it as a really really love the team I work within except for her behaviour - and also I know if I left I wouldn't be replaced and everyone would have more work to do.

I sat down with my Manager this morning and said how hurt I was, she agrees but is very limited in what she can do about her behaviour unfortunately. The defiance side of things are all documented and she's already got a warning on her file from when my colleague nearly raised a grievance about her and had mediation instead. The problem is nobody can help unless she will admit she has a problem which she won't do - everything that goes wrong with her is someone else's fault.

I said as much to my Manager that I can't go through another year of this with her, and my Manager said she really didn't want me to leave - I'm going to think about it over Christmas before making a decision, she doesn't know about my job offer, just how unhappy I am with what's going on. She keeps saying to be the bigger person but it's so hard when I'm beyond the point of even caring about her as a colleague.

My Manager sent the notes from their meeting this week to HR and they have suggested asking if she would have a visit with Occupational Health and hopefully if she agrees the company can get her into a counsellor to try and resolve the issues - but we all think it would never happen as she won't admit to anything being up with her.

A truly horrible situation to be in, but it's making the new role sound more and more appealing every day this goes on!

Your management simply aren't dealing with the situation, and have told you they don't intend to.

Thank your lucky stars you have a way out!

It might be too late to rescue this but I found an improvement log really helps with things like this.

You could do it publicly as a group or just yourself privately.

Every time she doesn't do what she's meant to, you show her, kill her with kindness and follow it up with an email with the guidance and the message here is the guidance to help you in future, every repeat you fwd that email stream again to her, just a reminder your guidance is here as you had forgotten again today.

On the log, you record every time something happens that shouldn't ....it works best as a no blame theory and just tracking issues - eg you have to retrain, fix, do it for her. Then you track the trends...... it is likely going to show others are doing it fine but she has a significant training need despite your interventions....hate to say it but it gives your manager leverage should it be needed but also reinforces her training need and whether it's the right role for her.

Alternatively, walk away - you are going to worry over Christmas about her behaviour, it will feel rubbish and actually it's been going on long enough to say you have a management issue more than an individual issue...

Accept the job offer OP!

This is management failure and your manager has shown she is unwilling to deal with this colleague.

I would leave.

Way before now I would also have asked her to go your respective manager on every one of her unreasonable questions and requests, eg IT related. Since you offered training etc.

New Year, new job. She isn't going anywhere nor is she going to change.

What can reasonably be done by a Manager in regards to someone like this?

The defiance I'm hoping will stop now it's documented and she is going to have to start paying attention and listening - as we've all said we are done with her.
The other thing she has done is put people in our team on a pedestal, and then back stabbed them telling other people or our Manager private conversations. As an example, she decided to come to me to tell me something a colleague had said about me in frustration? We talked and sorted it, but I didn't need to know that my colleague had said these things.
We all do think she has serious mental health issues, and possibly depression and anxiety manifesting in these panic attacks - but if she won't admit she may have a problem then it's really hard for anyone to help.
She disappears to the toilet for twenty minutes at a time, four or five times a day, and told one of my colleagues she falls asleep in there. My Manager tried to address this with her and she burst out crying.

So from a company/Manager point of view, what can my Manager do? She can't be fired as it isn't a performance issue, my Manager is at the end of her tether with her too since the Christmas Party when she ruined it for us. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

It is a performance mgt issue if she's in the loos asleep for an hour a day and time f she's causing resentment in the team

@CobbleDePook - it’s proving it isn’t it! She told a colleague in passing that she fell asleep in the toilet, so it’s her word. The resentment side yes - there’s a girl off on holiday at the moment but this woman has had it in for her since day one. Trying to ostracise her from people, and being deliberately mean and withholding information. If it’s not me she’s blaming for her problems, it would be her or our other colleague or our manager. She’s been through us all.

I honestly just wish she would leave.

She won't leave.

Manager could easily have managed this: disciplinary and performance management processes. She just doesn’t want to. The consequence is poorer performance by the team as a whole and that other team members get demotivated and leave.

You have described a range of both performance and conduct issues.

You should leave. When someone is making false accusations against you and the company is telling you to be a bigger person, they are really saying that they don’t give a shiny shit about you. If this other job is one you want, has prospects and pays well you should resign.

You work for the company, these people are your colleagues and you like them but they are free to look for other jobs too. By making up untrue accusations she is effectively bullying you and your manager is letting it happen. What about your own mental health? This is causing you upset and stress.
Accept the new job and resign and hopefully you have some time off over Christmas so that you have less time to work in the office.

Yes, I think the general consensus is right. Especially after having a text from what would be my new Manager saying that the team can’t wait to meet me when I go in for half a day next week to see the environment.

I’ve been skirting around it in posts because given the fact I’m not medically qualified I’m making assumptions - but the woman has a serious mental illness. It’s manifesting itself as extreme paranoia that everyone hates her and can’t be a good way for her to live. As such she starts being defensive, nothing is her fault.

When we had the Christmas party last week, she was in her hotel room with a colleague beforehand having difficulty breathing through a panic attack because she feels awkward around people. During the party she disappeared, my Manager tried to find her and was gone an hour, and then my other colleague tried to find them and was gone an hour. Leaving me on my own and it was an exact repeat of what happened before with panic attacks.

I’ve never had it happen to me, but if I was having panic attacks, paranoia and generally behaving the way I am I would see a doctor. Instead, we get the ‘I’m not a fucking looney’ line. Until she admits she has a problem, and needs intervention it’s really difficult as these things are at the root of her problem. She’s destroying herself through her actions and desperately needs help.

It’s great to hear an outsiders point of view because you do tend to become consumed by it during the working week and it being that bad. There’s the two strands, the mental health and the work issues and they are intertwined. I know it’s difficult for my manager to deal with and she’s given the woman everything she needs with flexible working, but she’s just so rude, defiant and won’t follow instruction she’s a nightmare.

I don't get why you're continuing to provide detailed threads about this person's behaviour and performance, when you've been offered another job.

Just hand in your notice and leave.

It's your chance to put it behind you and not have to over-analyse the reasons why she's behaving the way she is. It's not your problem. Leave em all to it. Clearly, management haven't got the calibre to deal with the matter.

@daisychain01 If it isn’t plainly obvious to see, I’d rather stay at my company than leave. I’ve been here a long time and love the work that I do and the immediate team bar one person of course.

I’d rather try and learn to deal with the behaviour and what to do when it happens in the workplace.

The facts are

• you've confirmed that she won't leave.
• you are clearly frustrated by the degree to which she is affecting your day to day ability to do your job
• her behaviour seems extreme and out of control, including blaming you purposefully to management for things she maintains are your fault.
• to top it all, management is sitting there, with slopy shoulders refusing to take any action and denying that the behaviours are performance related, and stating they can't do anything about it.
• there is nothing legal you can do to force your employer's hand to sort the matter out, and they've clear signalled that they won't be taking any action.

Rather bleak wouldn't you say?

legally

Just take the job offer!

If you don't, you are giving others full control of the situation - ie the colleague and your manager. You are hoping they will act differently in the future. There is no indication in your posts that they might.

You will continue to hope they change. They won't. There's nothing you can do to change their behaviour.

You have a way out - take it. A month into your new job you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner. If the company is so good, you may be able to return in the future (but check that this colleague has left first!).