Conflict between work demands and breastfeeding

[DC3dilemma]

Would really appreciate some thoughts on this situation. I’ve been trying to find a solution for a few months but not getting anywhere.

I returned to work in Sept following mat leave after my 3rd child. I was off for 14 months in total with mat leave and accrued annual leave.

It’s a professional role with lots of mandatory training, membership of professional bodies etc.

During my absence it was decreed that one area of our professional training now had to be updated on a 5 yearly basis. This wasn’t unexpected -I, like many others, last had the training in 2005; we’ve been asking for refresher training for a long time with the only training since then being offered to newbies only. But suddenly, while I was on mat leave refresher training came into being with this requirement that it must be attended 5 yearly and by Dec 2019 everyone must be up to date with this i.e. have attended newbie or fresher training within the last 5 years.

I have some difficulty with this:

I live and work in a remote and rural area. Any local training occurred (without anyone informing me) during my mat leave. I have missed it.

The only training available now is at locations between 4 and 5 hours away by car/train.

The training is 2 whole days.

And I am still breast-feeding.

The breast-feeding situation is that my now 13 month old has not weaned. My previous 2 children weaned before this time, so this is a bit new to me. She feeds every morning before work, sometimes when I pick her up, and always at bedtime. This is fine with me, she’s a very easy and happy baby and on an ordinary work day this presents no problems.

But this low level of feeding isn’t compatible, for me, with expressing. With all 3, I have never really managed to express much even when engorged and at the exclusive bf stage. Have tried hand expressing, hand pumps, electric pumps, hire of hospital grade pumps...it just doesn’t really work. I have had one night away from her recently. Took the pump that works best for me, browsed images of her on my iPad and absolutely nothing, not a drop.

I think going on this training will abruptly stop feeding altogether. I’ll be away for 2-3 days and unable to pump -I expect that will be it.

I just feel really unhappy about this. It seems wrong that I can be forced to do something at work (which in itself isn’t part of my usual hours/job plan) which will result in an abrupt stop to feeding when otherwise I was happy to let her take her own time and self-wean over the next year.

I don’t know if there are any solutions...

It’s a tough one, have you explained the situation to your boss, have they said you can’t defer the training? What will happen if you say you can’t make the training?

I'm not convinced your milk will dry up completely in 2 days after 14 months of feeding. I fed both my sons for 13 months. The first time I weaned I was pregnant straight away so a bit different. But the second time I still got drops of milk in the shower months afterwards. Pumping didn't work for me either.

Who says everyone must be up to date - the company or a regulator for the type of work you do?

It sounds like this isn’t a requirement of your employer but if your professional body - is that right? So is your license/registration dependent upon you completing the training?
Do you have a schedule of when the trainings are could you book into one in a couple of months and work to transitioning your DD onto a bottle for her morning and evening feeds? I assume that she’s eating well in which case the feeding is primarily for comfort rather than nutrition. If you don’t want to do that then I think you’d have to look into bringing here with you and arranging childcare when you’re training

Although I agree your work are unreasonable if they ran a local course when you were on mat leave and didn't tell you, and now expect you to travel for one.

Could you take someone with you to stay over with the baby while you train so you can keep your normal feeding schedule?

@Zarara yes I explained it to my line manager. I was told that there is no leeway, it has to be completed. @Veterinari is correct, that ultimately it is a requirement of the professional body and their view is that I wouldn’t be able to continue with a number of essential aspects of my role without attending; my line manager’s role is to ensure compliance with this.

There are no closer courses before the deadline. And no more scheduled for a while after that as obviously everyone is expected to have been brought up to date.

I don’t even get drops in the shower. I am completely dry on pumping, attempting to massage any out in the shower etc. I am only providing milk when she feeds. I dried up very quickly with my previous two, who self weaned as diet increased before 1 -it was over within a couple of days. I guess if I want to carry on feeding with natural weaning I am going to have to take her and somehow find childcare during the day in a city around 4 hours away...which to be honest just sounds awful and beyond anything I feel I should reasonably be expected to put us through for work.

I feel really aggrieved that the lead in time for this, after 15 years waiting for update training to be available, has been so short. From the same organisation that makes equality and diversity training essential, this lead in hasn’t accounted at all for pregnancy, mat leave and breast feeding.

@Kraggle I had thought about that too. Unfortunately they are working days so I’d be asking people to take time off work and travel a long distance...I don’t really know anyone I could reasonably ask that of. DH will be home with the older two.

Presumably you need the job?

So your options are to wean, to take a chance on drying up in two days, or to not go and go through a disciplinary/be dismissed or to get a new job?

Which do you think will have the least impact on everyone?

Can your DH bring baby with you, and have someone else look after the older children?

FWIW I was away for an overnight with work at a younger age. Baby on solid food but still breastfeeding. Baby returned to breastfeeding when I got back as if I had never been away with zero fucks given. And I was a bit miffed as I had hoped it would have knocked some of the night wakings on the head; it may not be as bad as you fear.

How old are your other children? Perhaps go as a family ?

@APerkyPumpkin

Yes, those seem to be the options that I have...but i’d have thought that breast feeding had more protection than that, and being forced into this situation would be somewhat discriminatory?

@Howzaboutye yes, totally possible. It means DH having 2 days off work, the older 2 missing 2 days of school...the ripples from this sudden and arbitrary deadline spreading far and wide...

Does anyone think that HR would take up the fight with the regulatory body and insist on more leeway...on the basis that it is in opposition to their policies on supporting breast feeding?

I can see why you would be upset and frustrated that you are now suddenly on such a tight timeline. Have you contacted professional body to discuss? What would happen if you were off sick or still on maternity leave until deadline? Are there any grace periods or is it definitely by x date or you are non compliant risking your registration?

I don't think introducing a bottle would be helpful at this age as its recommended to stop using bottles at 12 months.

Could your dh bring all your children nearby? I'm guessing would be very expensive.

@MoltoAgitato I think baby will be absolutely fine, DH can settle her without a feed and she has a good mixed diet although she only drinks water, hasn’t taken to cows milk. But she clearly, actively seeks out a feed from me, lifting my top etc at the times I mentioned. So we have a good routine which is still ongoing, and I’ve been happy to go with that till 2 (as WHO recommends) and allow her to wean naturally. Being forced to just stop and dry up in the next few weeks when she isn’t showing any signs of stopping just feels very wrong.

Could you arrange temporary childcare at where the training is held? I did similar for a wedding recently to arrange for a nanny to look after my baby, it was expensive but might be worth it for you to do the training and not have to wean?

@littleducks Yes, it would be very expensive, and I don’t think those expenses would be covered. I’d basically get my course fee back, travel, and the hotel/incidental food costs for me.

I have so much sympathy, what a difficult situation :(

Would another solution be for DH & baby to come with you (like a mini break almost!)

And for some kind of childcare to be arranged for the older 2 school age children (emergency nanny who stays overnight, maybe even family if you're super lucky, though I know my family wouldn't!) - so they wouldn't have to miss school/be accommodated expensively in a different city. I know my school age children would find it much easier adjusting to a different person for 2 days than my breastfed babies would. So hard :(

@GailTheFish that might be do-able, if such a service exists. It’s not even a particularly big city that I have to go too, so while there are a few nurseries around I’m not sure I’d find a nanny type person. Again, I think I’d have to pay for it.

Yep, sounds exactly like my children, actively wanting to feed. I doubt your milk will dry up in the space of two days and one night, but I do understand why you are worrying.

What would happen if you were sick on those course days?

Are you in a union? This may be something they can advise on. Also may be worth contacting your HV and asking for them to get their infant feeding coordinator to contact you, they may be able to advise re:maintaining supply. It's a rubbish situation, as I thought there would be some legal protection regarding BF even in this situation

In the past I have seen advice to take the baby and a friend/relative with you so they can look after your DC while you're at the course but you can continue to feed in the mornings and evenings. Maybe that is a possibility.

It does sound a bit of a challenge for you alright.

What is the training like? Could you see if arrangements could be made for you to video-call into it and participate that way? I know I’d hate to do two full days training like that but...

Could you get your company to pay a big chunk of travel and support costs? Then stay in a hotel mid-way so you drive two hours after training, husband drives two hours towards you with all the children? Again, sounds like a head wreck but just kicking around ideas.

If the issue is with the regulatory body, could you get your union involved? If it’s all such a rush as it seems, then you might have a case. If however the new deadline was introduced right after you started mat leave, that doesn’t seem too unfair to have a 16 month transition period so you’d be harder arguing this.

Can you temporarily perform other functions where you don’t need to be certified until you can complete the training?

None of these are ideal. I’m afraid the least painful one would appear to be finding some kind of childcare to enable you to being the baby with you. You could ask for this to be recouped from your company.

Best of luck

@Pomtastic thank you. A big part of the complexity is that DH and I moved to this area for work. Not only are we in a remote and rural location, but we are many miles from family and there isn’t a huge choice in childcare options, certainly not people who’d stay overnight. MIL could take a flight to us, perhaps, and keep the older two in school, while DH takes time off work to come with me and bring baby...that might be what we end up doing. We won’t be recompensed for her flight etc.