Conflict between work demands and breastfeeding

[DC3dilemma]

Would really appreciate some thoughts on this situation. I’ve been trying to find a solution for a few months but not getting anywhere.

I returned to work in Sept following mat leave after my 3rd child. I was off for 14 months in total with mat leave and accrued annual leave.

It’s a professional role with lots of mandatory training, membership of professional bodies etc.

During my absence it was decreed that one area of our professional training now had to be updated on a 5 yearly basis. This wasn’t unexpected -I, like many others, last had the training in 2005; we’ve been asking for refresher training for a long time with the only training since then being offered to newbies only. But suddenly, while I was on mat leave refresher training came into being with this requirement that it must be attended 5 yearly and by Dec 2019 everyone must be up to date with this i.e. have attended newbie or fresher training within the last 5 years.

I have some difficulty with this:

I live and work in a remote and rural area. Any local training occurred (without anyone informing me) during my mat leave. I have missed it.

The only training available now is at locations between 4 and 5 hours away by car/train.

The training is 2 whole days.

And I am still breast-feeding.

The breast-feeding situation is that my now 13 month old has not weaned. My previous 2 children weaned before this time, so this is a bit new to me. She feeds every morning before work, sometimes when I pick her up, and always at bedtime. This is fine with me, she’s a very easy and happy baby and on an ordinary work day this presents no problems.

But this low level of feeding isn’t compatible, for me, with expressing. With all 3, I have never really managed to express much even when engorged and at the exclusive bf stage. Have tried hand expressing, hand pumps, electric pumps, hire of hospital grade pumps...it just doesn’t really work. I have had one night away from her recently. Took the pump that works best for me, browsed images of her on my iPad and absolutely nothing, not a drop.

I think going on this training will abruptly stop feeding altogether. I’ll be away for 2-3 days and unable to pump -I expect that will be it.

I just feel really unhappy about this. It seems wrong that I can be forced to do something at work (which in itself isn’t part of my usual hours/job plan) which will result in an abrupt stop to feeding when otherwise I was happy to let her take her own time and self-wean over the next year.

I don’t know if there are any solutions...

Why don’t you ask the professional body if they will grant an extension? I really think that it is for you to approach them, not your HR dept.

Can you do the two days separately: do day 1, then do day 2 the next time it runs? That way you are away for less time in one go.

A couple of years ago a lady I worked with needed to travel abroad for work. She was still bf. Work were a bit difficult - in the end she reminded them they can’t discriminate against bf mothers and cited the Equality Act. In the end work paid for her husband and child to fly/ stay with her so she could work and bf.
If your company are insisting you attend the training, I would expect them to cover the cost of your child and DH (or other person to look after child whilst you are working) to attend. Or to make reasonable adjustments to provide the training more locally.

@sycamore54321

Great idea on the vc -we use this a lot due to our location. I know they don’t ordinarily do this as there are “workshops” etc in the course, but they might make an exception as an interim measure...

@Tojigornot

Thanks...I guess I had wondered about HR since they are the ones with the breast feeding policies, not the regulatory body. But the separating the course one day Nov, one day Dec might be a good possibility, thank you!

@Robs20 thank you. That is worth knowing since I might find my personal costs getting to crazy amounts.

Could you bring dd to stay with you and another adult to look after her whilst you attend training?

Sorry just seen this has already been suggested. Could dh come with the other 2 children as well? Is it an area that you could make a little trip out of it? Visit somewhere nice in the evenings?

I would be contacting the professional body, hr, any bosses above your lm - try anyone and everyone to see if they can agree a compromise (ie webex, split course over two trips, cover the other family expenses, give you an extension etc)

Maybe worth contacting la leche league as I heard they do a bit of campaigning to get more bf support - not sure if it extends to this type of thing though.

So sorry to hear you are in this position :(

It's not ideal but I'm sure there are solutions like VC and taking two separate days - our company supports taking your child and having childcare at the place of visit

I don't quite get why you'd need to take your children out of school if your DH stays home from work those days?

You should deff take this up with HR and contact the professional body directly. It will be discrimination if they don't make allowances for you given the circumstances.

@custardbear the suggestion was that husband brought dd and the other two, or he brought dd and we had childcare at home for the older 2. Sorry if thosd different ideas sounded muddled together.

Thanks for all the support everyone. I fully expected everyone to point out that it isn't nutritionally necessary and that I should just stop. The fact is she has been my easiest baby, an absolute delight, everything has gone so well and this routine is working well for us so giving up now instead of continuing to 2 years benefits only my employer...and all for an arbitrary date put in place suddenly after 14 years of repeated requests (from me and others) that updates were necessary. I was ok to continue for those 14 years and suddenly I'll be incompetent after Christmas if I don't do this now. Perhaps if there was one other good reason to stop I'd feel better about it but this feels like bullshit.

I think I'll have a more assertive discussion with my line manager and try to absolutely clear about my feelings. Suggest VC, splitting the course. Suggest he approaches the body for an extension and see where that goes. If I still get nowhere and end up with convoluted childcare anx travel plans etc I will try to secure reassurance re funding. What worries me though, is being expected to put my daughter in random unknown childcare for 2 days...she's not a dog to be put in kennels...

I ate fenugreek to push my milk. A tablespoon 3 x daily. Your wee is supposed to smell like maple syrup though mine never did even when I was taking enormous doses.

Would that help to keep your milk in for an overnight? You would need at least a weeks build up, perhaps. But it does work.

I would come at this from a health and safety perspective. Suddenly stopping breastfeeding could lead to mastitis. In reality, if she's only feeding once, this is unlikely, but it's not impossible. I certainly wouldn't want to stop breastfeeding in a situation where opportunities to pump if you do get engorged are limited.

I think I’d I were you my first choice (in terms of wanting and needing the training) might be to attend day 1 and VC day 2 with the option to attend another day 2 elsewhere if there are any technical hiccups.

Can you take someone with you, maybe a student or older teen even? Feeding morning and night is fine at that age.

Look for a sitter/childminder in the city you need to go to

I would come at this from a health and safety perspective. Suddenly stopping breastfeeding could lead to mastitis.

All of your other concerns are valid but this might be the one that gets you furthest with work. If pumping doesn't work for you then mastitis is a real possibility.

I went to visit friends for a night when my BF baby was 1 and barely feeding. Ended up with mastitis and a week in hospital on IV antibiotics.

They should certainly reimburse you for suitable childcare.

what worries me though, is being expected to put my daughter in random unknown childcare for 2 days I think you are pushing it a little... if you get your work to pay for your DD to come with you including childcare during the course, I would say thay is the reasonable adjustment. But it sounds like you are not happy with this.
What do you want to happen? You say you hope to BF until she is two, but I imagine even if the regulatory body granted an extension it wouldn’t be for a whole year.

Thanks for the further comments and ideas. @TheSandgroper I hadn’t even thought of using fenugreek for this, great idea. @TuckMyWin bugger, hadn’t even thought of that, and I do have a fairly permanently congested area which has been problematic in the past. @PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks I know what you are saying about childcare. Totally get that this would be a reasonable accommodation. But I chose my childcare carefully, used settling in sessions etc. It feels wrong to then just put her wherever I can find space in a totally unknown setting with strangers. She’s at that age between being a baby and a toddler that familiarity with caregivers really matters. I know she’s almost at that stage where she’ll just run around with other kids but she’s not quite there. But if I have to do that, I do understand it’s a reasonable solution despite my feelings.

I emailed the training lead who arranges these courses and explained my issues with the timing. First reply suggests that they don’t really want to offer the course via VC, and they offered it in lots of locations for this reason...but they accept I missed my local training through no fault of my own and they are going to discuss making an exception and allowing me to VC. I’ve suggested that VC might be an interim measure to buy me some time till the course is repeated locally. Waiting to hear.

I’m really hoping they can make it work. It would mean I can sit in my own chair all day which would be an incidental bonus -I have a very comfy office chair!