Working parents and finding me time

[nickname7890]

Hello
I return to work full time this month
My work is full on 5-6 I'm out the house dashing back for bath and connection with kids then up at 6 on weekends to fit in yoga/ sport of some sort so I keep up fitness
I find it exhausting
I also find I feel excutuatingly guilty if I go out in the evening instead of rushing back to see them (we have a live in nanny) and my husband is alternatively fine with this, going out 3 nights a week sometimes (2 work, 1 friends) then booking to go off with mates all day and night Saturday for example

I envy him and my friends that they can say yes to drinks with the girls after work or meetings etc or even to the gym for 45 mins in the evening after work (after bed time is just too late for me as I'm up so early the next day!)
I crave finding a balance but if eg I go out one night for a work event, I then feel I need to stay in every night and all weekend for the next week to make sure I'm with them

I just wondered how you all do it?
I need to understand what is an acceptable amount- 3 nights a week putting kids down?! Every night ?!? Only weekends ?!
At the moment I'm there every night and it's crushing my life and my marriage as I don't have a life outside the house other than phone calls with friends or the odd coffee on a Sunday, and I resent the freedom my husband and some friends has and guilt free experience of just saying yes to drinks after work etc and just being themselves more

Ps probably impractical but my husband and I moved back into central London-now in zone 2 and only have a 30min commute.

Hi OP, I thought I would share what works for me as/us with bedtimes. I find that as long as I don’t miss more than 2 weekday bedtimes a week, I feel balanced. Missing 2/5 bed times: fine. And I do this regularly, whether for work or other commitments (I volunteer one evening every other week).

But missing 3/5 bedtimes: this feels not fine. And puts undue pressure on my other half.

DH does the same, has to miss a couple of bedtimes a week. We also have a nanny who will do twice weekly babysitting, but tbh DH and I mostly cover each other as we do feel it’s important that we do most of the bedtimes (But would be 100% comfortable with the nanny doing a bedtime every week. The children love her and they don’t miss out. We do, ultimately.)

I guess you need to find your own tipping point. I have to work late once a week or so, and so does DH, so we’ve learned to lean into missing the occasional bedtime. Then there’s hobbies which only take place in evenings (eg I sing in a choir), without which I wouldn’t feel me and wouldn’t parent well. I think the children miss out on me less if I skip a bedtime (1-1.5 hours max in my company when they are very tired) than if I go off for an activity mid weekend which would see me miss perhaps 3 hours with them (what with the getting there and back). So I’m cool with being absent for some bedtimes. Hope you can grow to see it’s ok too.

I think it's good advice to stay near your work now and again. I'm a teacher so not highly paid but my colleague and I sometimes stay in Youth Hostels (they're surprisingly good these days, single rooms and ensuite) so we can gain back that commute time once in a while and maybe go to the theatre with colleagues or something. The other thing I did was take up having my hair professionally coloured. Two hours stuck in a salon - bliss! I also look for third spaces e.g. get half way home and park myself in a nice cafe and do some marking.

How about swimming for fitness, somewhere on the way home? And if your DH is a bit selfish, a schedule for bedtimes and stick to it like glue. And maybe a bit of counselling for the guilt.

Thank you for your responses
It is reassuring to know I'm not the only one seeking to fit a little bit of "self care" into their day

All these suggestions are so great I just need to find a way to make them work
Our nanny is contracted to work 7-7 and already this one again is saying "but yohbsaid you'll be back 5.30/6 so it will be great to have an extra pair of hands" and it's like a seed planted where again I feel guilty not rushing back

I ageee with Pp maybe guilt needs to be addressed
I just find I don't have the time 🙄🤣

Our nanny is contracted to work 7-7 and already this one again is saying "but yohbsaid you'll be back 5.30/6 so it will be great to have an extra pair of hands" and it's like a seed planted where again I feel guilty not rushing back

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You are PAYING her to work til 7...