Working parents and finding me time

[nickname7890]

Hello
I return to work full time this month
My work is full on 5-6 I'm out the house dashing back for bath and connection with kids then up at 6 on weekends to fit in yoga/ sport of some sort so I keep up fitness
I find it exhausting
I also find I feel excutuatingly guilty if I go out in the evening instead of rushing back to see them (we have a live in nanny) and my husband is alternatively fine with this, going out 3 nights a week sometimes (2 work, 1 friends) then booking to go off with mates all day and night Saturday for example

I envy him and my friends that they can say yes to drinks with the girls after work or meetings etc or even to the gym for 45 mins in the evening after work (after bed time is just too late for me as I'm up so early the next day!)
I crave finding a balance but if eg I go out one night for a work event, I then feel I need to stay in every night and all weekend for the next week to make sure I'm with them

I just wondered how you all do it?
I need to understand what is an acceptable amount- 3 nights a week putting kids down?! Every night ?!? Only weekends ?!
At the moment I'm there every night and it's crushing my life and my marriage as I don't have a life outside the house other than phone calls with friends or the odd coffee on a Sunday, and I resent the freedom my husband and some friends has and guilt free experience of just saying yes to drinks after work etc and just being themselves more

BTW My kids are uber sporty and do sports every day and believe in starting kids in sport early .. but even I would say ditch the tennis class for a 2.5 year old and 11mth old !!

It s fine to have a night off each week.
Your issue seems to be that you feel guilty but your dh does not?
So that s a feeling you can change.
Just take a night off once a week do something for you. Dont feel guilty.
And maybe one saturday in three leave dc with dh .
Dont feel guilty.

I think your husband needs to maybe cut down on the evenings out, so you can have at least one evening a week to yourself. Personally I would sack off the gym, save money and time and maybe use your time in the evening with your kids to go for a walk or a bike ride ? Even though it is getting cold now, wrap up warm, put the 11month old in a carrier or pram, get the Wellies on to go play in the puddles! That way the kids get good special time with you and you get some exercise in. You could also try some homework outs in the evening that you can do alongside playing with the kids. Use the 11 month old as your weights, they will love it.

ThNk you so much everyone these are all really helpful suggestions.
It would b great if I could get comfortable with going out one night a week.

When I say "tennis" I mean my dc run round with friends throwing balls and collecting balls etc- it's just something special just for them and to socialise them.
I could start cycling again but work in central London and broke my arm last time I was cycling so am put off .... running unfortunately not a possibility since having children!
We live a long way from town so if I come home then go out then It would be quite difficult to then go back out again (travel time wise !)

I absolutely agree a parent should put the kids to bed every night and this is what I am looking to achieve instead of the nanny. My issue is that my husbands job is unpredictable and he just doesn't have any guilt about not making it home.
Yes my career is currently the breadwinning one but my husbands salary is equally important and we can't lose it

Further my employer is not saying they don't really like working from home, and they don't like me leaving early at. 4(I start at 7) as I'm not visible enough to internal clients (total rubbish in my opinion as I did this all last year with zero issues ) my office is 1.5 hours away on various transport links so I'm absolutely shattered anyway by the time i do get back !
Anyway ... I know I can't have it all. I just wondered what would be an acceptable aim to improve my work/home/personal life balance- I find work very stressful and isolating and it would be great to find a way to shift this a little without it heavily impacting on my dc s.
It's interesting PP says their friend who tried to fit in me time ended up not spending much time together ... that would be my worst nightmare. I love so much our days together on weekends and please trust that family comes first for me but I do need to work and I do need to take care to have a mental break some times

Do you really need to work full time.? I think at that age the children need there mum, you say you put the money away for their future but they can make their own money in the future, I think they would rather have their mum and father around more.

If you really must work that amount then I think both you and your husband need to sacrifice any "me time" and when not at work spend all your time with your kids.

Why do kids need their parents putting them to bed?? There's so much claptrap. Lots of kids have two working parents.

Stop viewing time as "me time " "kids time". It's just time. Go to a cafe together. Swimming. Walk. Be a family.

Sounds tough OP. Is there any option to move to reduce the commute? We've swapped a 4 bed house with a garage and garden for a 3 bed garden (terrace) flat in zone 2 and the shorter commute has made a huge difference.

Are your children comfortable and happy with the nanny? If so, I don't see the harm in them doing bedtime 1 to 2 nights a week.

It's really important to fit in exercise and self care, I find it makes me a better Mum.

Can you and DH tag team at the weekend so one of you goes to the park with DC, and the other goes for a run then swap, or reverse on the other weekend day?

DC can survive a nanny babysitter putting them to bed sometimes. Or dad does it when you not there. You are there on the weekends. You could look at changing jobs within the sector to a more flexible company. Dont give up your salary and independence but talk to some one eg life coach about balance and look at a sideways move to a more flexible work place. And yes maybe accept the next fes years are work and family with the odd hour for you... listen to headspace on your commute

And a run should be easy enough to fit in. C25k if new to it...is 30 to 40 minute sessions.

i hear you OP.

I leave the house at 7 am and I get back at 7 pm. we also have a nanny.

DH and I agreed that wherever possible, one of us will put DD to bed each night. I would say twice a month the nanny has to do it as we are stuck at work or out.

we always do the morning school run, so our DD gets a full hour of our time each morning.

I get in at 7 pm, have to eat/wash/sort stuff for the next day/attempt to reconnect to DH - my exercise is non existent as I basically have 2 hours to myself each night.

like you - I feel guilty about spending time away from DD. I am working on this but it isn't easy.

these days, with a demanding job, it is really hard - and we need the money so I can't exactly stop.

I would definitely say that your DH needs to step up at the weekend. we both have weekends where we will have time to ourselves but these are most definitely not ever weekend!

oh, the other helpful suggestion I had from a friend (works full time in demanding job) was to start to exercise at home when the kids are in bed. I've found some good videos on line and plan to start this next week. at least I don't have to leave the house!

and to the person who suggests giving up work - aside from needing the income, my daughter is out of the house at school from 7 am (when we take her there) until 3 pm when she gets home.

giving up a good job in a career I worked hard for, as a result of an education I paid for, so that I could be home from 3 until 7 (bedtime), seems absolutely nonsensical.

Part-time is the way. I have turned down promotion and stuck with a lower management level job in order to work 3 (school hours) days a week from home. I still use my professional qualifications but as others have said 'having it all' isnt possible. Well you can work long hours and see the kids but time to yourself and leisure time has to be sacrificed. My leisure time is important and makes me a less stressed mum!

Couple of things jumping out at me, but mostly your DH and his irregular hours job, you're the one with the senior role, yet you're the one leaping out the door at 4. Irregular or not, he should be able to commit to at least one evening bedtime , and I'd insist on that.

Regarding exercise- could you try to slot it in at the start of the day by getting up earlier. I'm guessing you don't see much of your DCs then anyway, your DH will still be at home so it gives you a bit of a slot. Other than that then a couple of weekend classes- my gym has early morning and evening ones even at the weekend - or home exercise you tube, coupled with as much walking as possible.

Your main issue is the commute as 3 hrs of dead time each working day doesn't really leave a lot of time for anything else.

Your 2 year old and baby dont need stuff like tennis classes.
I think with the ages of your children there wont be any down time if youre also working full time. It sounds like your schedule is packed to the rafters.

You cannot keep this crazy lifestyle going. You will have a physical breakdown from stress.

OP it’s knackering isn’t it?

Looking st what you’ve written it’s your commute that’s the biggest factor. That’s 3 hours of currently dead time a day. That’s killing any chance of me time or down time etc. Can you either move (I know, not easy), get a closer job, use the commute to exercise (bike or walk part of the way?).

Some other ideas

• I find leaving early is frowned upon in a way starting late isn’t. So a couple of days a week I do that - have proper leisurely breakfast with the kids, start a bit later and then work late. I’ll often do a late Pilates class r see friends after too. And I don’t feel guilty as have had quality time with them in the morning
• more radically, could you find a reasonably priced air bnb in town/close to work for one night a week and just stay there? You would instantly gain back those 3 hours of commute and could do some socialising and go to gym in the morning. And would force your DH to step up too.
• do you have a PA? Does DH? if so you need to connect them directly and get them to make rescheduling/resourcing decisions. So, if your DH is due to put kids to bed it gets scheduled in the diary. If he can’t do it, he has to reschedule that bedtime. Takes all the emotion out of it as neither you nor your dh even see the rescheduling.

Just some thoughts. It’s tough. There was a thread on here awhile ago about senior career women - had some good advice on it, perhaps have a search for that too.

OP I did a search and found this post really useful. stay strong!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/511712-aibu-to-want-a-highflying-career-as-well-as-being

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3645286-Senior-career-women-what-did-you-do-how-did-you-do-it

This is the thread I was thinking of

In our family we have quality time in the mornings, up a little bit earlier than strictly necessary, then coffee/ milk in bed and time to dress and play a bit. Our nanny arrives at 8 as little one goes down for his first nap and either me or my husband take the elder to school, husband squeezes a jog in on the way back from this. And walking to school time is quality chatting, collecting leaves, playing. You also avoid the ‘leaving work early trap’ it’s ridiculous but it’s always perceived better, rolling in late and staying late, rather than coming early when there’s no one to see you doing it!
Evenings together in our house are short but I’d say we put our kids to bed ourselves 95% of the time.
You need to speak to your husband though, you cannot carry all the guilt and angst and he should want you to be happy and fulfilled too by taking on some of these worries and contributing practically.

I think you need either your husband to "check in" to family life a bit more, or tweak your nanny's hours so that you get a break. I think exercise class and taking a 2.5 year old to a tennis class is not a good use of a potential lie in!! If exercise is crucial because of your bone condition then could you prioritise that one or two nights a week and spend your weekend mornings getting a proper break? Your DH could spend that time with the children, or your nanny could have them. Be prepared that work might have to be what gives. Not in its entirety, but even if you stop your evening work an hour early, 2 nights a week, that could buy you back a little breathing space.

Thank you everyone
@soberfabulous and @stealthbanana thank you for the links

This is all so helpful!
Basically, I can't get up earlier because I'm up at 5.15 and feel if up at eg 4.45 it's just a bit insane ... esp as once kids are down I feel pressure as it is to get into bed swiftly as I'm a bad sleeper and it takes me a while whole to nod off (despite being absolutely shattered !!!)
I totally agree now you have all highlighted it, there is no recognition of working before the 9/9.30 hours but totally is if you're las tman standing at the office. My reluctance of going in later and staying later is 1) mum guilt would mean I end up not doing anything in the evening anyway and I rush back to see them even if they're sleeping just to see them asleep (crazy I know!) 2) my commute gets worse as the day goes on. U less I left from work post 7 pm, then as I go through the city to get back I basically hit every rush hour possible 🙄

I totally see the point of the air bnb and it's a great idea. I guess even if once a month to once a fortnight it could work ...id likely still feel bad tho and as work is erratic I can't plan which night would be a good all-nighter to work late at the air bnb and then there is always the financial side

My employer did previously let me work from home 2 days and those days were written in a letter appended to my contract but the new boss says they want to review this ... those days are my Savin grace and make the job so much more worth while for me.
On running - I absolutely love it however post natal injuries /pelvic floor means I've been advised never to run again. That would otherwise be a wonderful way to combine the two. Cycling I loved pre family but now feel it's irresponsible with kids

Nanny has started now, training basically and gettignto know the ropes. And I'm really struggling not micro managing and can't really go anywhere. The mum guilt is so unmanageable at the moment I don't know how to cure it- I'm paying a nanny so I can confidently leave the children, so I can get some time to myself to get sorted before work and perhaps learn to sleep again ..and yet I'm either in my room or the car outside the house waiting to see the kids again ..!

Your H isn’t doing enough of the parenting.

I can relate to a lot of that. Exercise is super important to me. I try and fit it in on my commute (eg cycling or running) or try and get 30mins at work during the day. I only like to miss one bedtime a week to be honest.

It does get easier, my sister children are a bit older than mine and she does ‘drop off’ sports clubs and then heads for a run etc

Sorry just read your bit on running/cycling!!!