Any SAHM's out there regret their decision?

[TartWithAHeart]

I have been a SAHM for four years. DS is now 3.9. During that time I have also been a part-time student at university. DH has been the only earner during that time.

This has put a strain on our finances, what with paying for the course, having a child and we had only been in our new house for a year. We have had to sacrifice a lot. of "material" things, but reasoned that they were just "things" that we could always have another time.

DS is happy and bright and has been going to nursery part-time since he was 22 months old. I don't regret staying with him - but I just feel so guilty about our financial situation - because I have not been bringing any money into the house - even though DH is fine with this and it was a joint decision - I hate the fact that we are in debt.

My course finished last year. I am ready for the world of work but can't help feeling guilty for our financial situation, disillusioned that after four years of training for a new career, I'll probably still have to go back to office work until I find the paid work in my field (I currently work on a voluntary basis)and worried that it will take years and years before DH and I get financially on track.

Is it just me who feels like this?

Bin the guilt, it's not a productive emotion. If you want to contribute to the finances, then perhaps a part-time job will do that. Debt can feel crushing, so at least you will feel you are doing something to alleviate that, even if it isn't in your chosen field of work.

Just try to make sure that you keep your eyes peeled for opportunities that come up in the area of work you eventually want to land up in - it's easy to be side-tracked when you are tired and busy and thinking of other things in life.

You are lucky to have a supportive partner and to have been with your son for those precious early years, so don't beat yourself up about the downsides too much.

Good luck

Sorry had to go off line for a while. Thanks Anonymama for your post. I guess it is holiday season, and you overhear conversations about people taking their kids here and there and I can't help wishing it was us jetting off somewhere.... but I know it is just a period of time that we have to get through.

Don't feel guilty about the finances you seem to be 'managing' which is all any of us can do really - i've been a sahm for 4/5 years now and although there are days i feel like you on the whole i know i have made the right decision i love experiencing all the things they do and achieve

There are very few families without some kind of debt and no it isn't nice but it is something you will get out of and as long as you control your debt then you will be fine

The fact that you have taken on a college course with a small child is fabulous and a great achievement in itself (so well done!) i'm sure that your DH has the same opinion as mine which is that you are contributing to the house in a major way by bringing up your ds

If you want to go back to work for yourself then do or if you need to financially but talk to your DH about your concerns too he sounds very supportive, the guilt you have seems to be placed on you by you

your DS will be going to school soon so maybe you could get a part time job then if you want to

we're jetting off to Mablethrope this year

It doesn't sound as though you have anything to feel guilty about to me! imo you have done the best thing for your child by being with him in his early years. Sacrificing material things to be able to do this is not easy to do so I have every admiration for you.

I'm a SAHM and have been for 6 years, but I work freelance too so I'm bringing in money - not quite the same situation as you.

Re holidays though - we only do British holidays regardless of finances, simply because we find them much less stressful with 3 small boys!! So don't be thinking you are the only one not getting on a plane! I know plenty of families that are doing England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales even if they are not broke!

Good luck with your course etc - and your dh sounds fantastically supportive! Enjoy it!

Thanks sparklesandwine. Yes I feel that I have been able to be there for all of DS's milestones and we are very close. We made bread the other day, and he was so excited and fascinated when the dough rose and doubled in size. I would not have missed it for the world.

I guess I am very lucky really and
it is silly to think he is missing out on holidays etc when he gets me to himself most of the week and we have had the chance to do things together like going to the park, drama/music class, Tumble Tots, going to town and stuffing our faces with cake, painting, baking, etc - I know some children don't often get a chance to do that because their mums work and have to balance home chores etc when they are home, so having the opportunity to go on holiday is a special time to have mum/dad 24/7.

I could not have left him in nursery when he was a baby, I would have been a gibbering wreck worrying whether he was missing me. Even now, we miss each other when he goes to nursery. We will never have this time again. He starts school in 2008 and I guess it all changes then.

Sorry I'm rambling. I think it's the money worries that's causing these feelings more than a sense of regret at staying at home.

Thanks gobbledigook.

We did go to Norfolk year before last and he still remembers it. ANd we go to country parks, and zoos etc which he loves. He calls these "holidays". Children don't have the same expectations as we do and can get really excited about the smallest things can't they!

twah is you can afford to get a tent do (try ebay) and go camping even if its just for weekends campsites are pretty cheap

we have 4 dc and simply can't afford to go off anywhere exotic but we do go to Haven/Butlins for a week in easter and then go camping in the summer for a week or 2 its really great fun the kids love it and find it such an adventure, tbh they actually don't ask about going abroad even though alot of their friends do they just ask when we're going camping next and that is lovely because we know they are having a fab time and they make so many friends on the camp sites too

Hi there. I've been a SAHM for 6 years now and have two DDs. Sometimes it does my head in. We've been lucky on the money front because we had some savings which came from selling two houses to buy one when we got married.

However, the savings have dimished and DH hates his job. I feel sad more than guilty that I gave up a well paid career to stay at home - but it was a joint decision and, like you, I couldn't have left the girls in a nursery as babies. We don't have family who are willing to provide childcare.

So now DH is stuck in a job he hates just so that we can pay the bills. Would be so much easier if I was working but DD2 won't go to school until 2009!

Like Sparklesandwine we have only done UK holidays since the kids - we love Norfolk and South Wales, Devon, Cornwall - so many beautiful areas and you know what the food is like! Doesn't have to cost much if you have a cottage.

I'm rambling a bit now - may not be your thing but I have found a great sense of achievement by selling stuff on ebay to bring in a few pounds. Not only stuff we no longer need but I go to boot sales and buy to sell on. You soon get to know what sells!

Got to go - DD2 potty training!!

I regret it now, with hindsight. I regret selling my London flat to finance being a sahm. I regret moving to Devon. I regret being out of the paid work market for so long (4 years).

I have ds, who is 9.5 and dd, who is 3.5. With ds I was a sahm, financed as above, had split with ex dh so lived on profit from flat + maintenance. With dd I went back to work when she was 4 months old (dh#2 was a sahd) and only now do I feel I've really got my cv looking good again, having worked for the past 3 years+ and only now do I feel I'm earning a decent amount and we have a good standard of living.

So, with hindsight, I wish I had worked when ds was small.

Oh and I don't have a 'career' - my aim is to earn as much money as possible for as little effort as possible for as long as possible. Which isn't to say I hate my job, I don't, but it's not my natural milieu, I just fell into it and it pays well. So I do it purely for a) the money b) the adult company c) using my brain d) to avoid being at home with children

Yes we have toyed with the idea of camping - but DH just would not stop laughing at the prospect of me sleeping outside in a tent . But we have considered the little cabin things on legs.

E-bay is brilliant isn't it - I sold all of DS's baby equipment on there, and we do car boot - which DS loves.

Unlike you swtb and gobbligook, I was not in well paid work before, neither did I have the ransferable skills which would enable me to freelance and I suppose part of my ennui at the moment is that had I not underachieved so much, I would not be in this position now. Which is why I did the university course and am now qualified to do something better than I had been before DS. So my crisis is an existential one which is probably linked to my looming 42nd birthday next week.

Sorry that should say transferable skills.

I hear you WWW. I do miss the adult company that work offers you - everything I do is so child orientated. I go to bed with the theme tune of Horrid Henry ringing in my ears!

I am glad that I have kept my CV looking healthy, particularly because of my my career change, by doing voluntary work in my new field, and becoming a school governor and also committee member at DS's nursery - actually my CV has improved tenfold since I stopped working which is ironic really.

TWAH, don't let it worry you. Think about it from your ds' point of view. Having time with his loving and involved mum is worth more to him than any material thing. And I personally believe that perhaps some subtle but important level of self esteem and confidence is added as a layer to your child's personality when they know that you've prioritised being with them in their early years. It's intangible but I believe in it.

You've done the right thing. You have nothing to feel guilty for, in having been at home to bring up your child!

There will be loads of time in future years for you to bring money in, and take holidays etc; the things that you can buy, and the holidays you can have, will be more important to your ds when he's older; and he'll remember them!

Also, good things can come out of sacrifice and being broke; in order to be a (mostly) SAHM for ds pre-school years, we sold our 3 bed house in a city and moved to a 2 bed terrace in a small town.....but we live 2 minutes walk from the beach, our house is gorgeous and we are happier by far than we would have been, in the city.

Good luck. I'm sure it will all come together.

It is difficult. I gave up work to be a SAHM for many reasons mainly because putting ds into nursery at 12 months old when he was still not walking just didn't feel "right". Financially I would have been working to pay for nursery fees and there would not have been hardly any money left so we would not have benefited financially. I was also feeling really negative about my company as they had promised me a promotion and pay rise which never materialised and I didn't feel I could stomach going back there after a year break.

Ds is now nearly 3 and sometimes I doubt my decision to be a SAHM. I love spending time with ds and I know that I would have missed out if I had gone back to work but I do feel I have somehow lost part of my identity. I know that sounds stupid as we are not defined by the jobs that we do but I miss being really good at something which sounds shallow. I try to be a good mum but I am a crap housewife which is not surprising as I have never been particulary domestic, I can cook but that is as far as it goes. Dh does more than his fair share around the house and i know that it is really starting to grate on him that I am so disorganised. We also have a lot of debt now which is causing a strain, although if I had gone back to my old job I think we would be in a similar position.

I feel and it may be just paranoia that once you become a SAHM, everyone feels they are entitled to give unwanted advice on what you should be doing with your life. In the long term I have plans to start my own business but well meaning relatives (the same relatives that said I should give work) believe that I am being selfish and that I should find work that will bring in money immediately.

Wow, what a long post!

I can sympathise with your situation entirely. You have done fantastically well to get through college with a small child and I think you should focus on the long term and follow your dreams.

nogoes and TWAH, I think the thing to remember is that these pre-school years are over so much faster than you think. It's only for a limited time that you're in this position where you feel 'judged'.

I am now back in work and have found that the few years I spent on a 'break' and/or in diddly jobs did no harm at all, I'm now a service manager and more senior than I've been before. It doesn't always have a negative impact though I accept circumstances differ.

No HG it doesn't always have a negative impact, and it has given me the opportunity to re-train.
I know what you mean nogoes - sometimes it can feel as though you have lost part of your identity - but I have tried to see it as a new identity in formation, rather like a chrysallis period, where you have time to reflect and re-invent yourself.
Thanks to both of you for your supporting words - I love DS so much and I do believe I have done someting useful for his future in devoting so much time to his early years. I reckon if I had had so much attention when I was his age, my like would have been so different.

My "life "I meant, not my "like".

Sounds like you have so many positive things in your life. I agree with the first response. Ditch the guilt.

Enjoy what you have and be proud of your achievements. I think the majority of young familys start off finding things hard financially. You are setting yourself and your family up for a happier future, and sounds like you are doing really well.

So don't worry!

TWAH, that's a lovely way to think about it, you're so clever to put it that way; it is like a chrysalis period; you've had a major life change and you are a changed person when you're a mum. People who say they've lost their identity because of not being in the world of work perhaps need to look at it your way. Instead of wanting to get back to exactly how it was, welcome the changes and go with them, because (unless like another thread I saw you never care for your own child from the moment of birth and go back to work the next day )things are not the same.

I'm convinced that being a parent has given me the ability to sustain a much more senior post than I've ever had before. It's given me confidence in myself and it's given me a better perspective on work.

Don't feel guilty. You have been able to be there for your ds. It's time you'll never get back. Enjoy it. There's plenty of time for making money

I used to have a big problem saying 'No' to people and they took advantage of this, now i say it all the time to the DC (and mean it!) and don't have a problem with it to others now

I feel stronger personally since being a sahm i feel i know myself more and am more comfortable with myself and what i do/don't want to do

has been a good thing for me i think

Yes I too feel more confident since I became a parent and stayed at home with DS and I feel more comfortable with myself more so than I have ever felt before. I am different, more developed and ready to embrace the next phase of my life. That's why I have so much ambivalence about going back to what was (for me) doing the boring, soul destroying office work - I don't want to do it, but we need the money - but I so DON'T want to do it.

Actually just phoned and had a conversation with DH at work about why I feel miserable and we have kind of decided that instead of me going back to do work that I don't like, we could just send DS to nursery for the free LEA hours and save ourselves about £200 a month - so a possible solution maybe until I find a job I like.