New boss is autistic. Help

[IceQueenCometh]

So I have been in my current company for 5 years. I have always done well, have had good appraisals etc. Now I have a new boss. He's well known to be autistic. I can't work out how to communicate with him. He won't let me speak, talks over me, talks down to me. Can anyone recommend a resource to help me learn more about how I can get the best out of this new situation?

WE CAN NOT DO THAT, DAVE",

^

Sorry but

This is very helpful. I have a senior work colleague - thankfully not my boss- who has shown an almost identical communication style. He has a lot of self awareness- I think - but simply can't help but get worked up when he is passionate about things, which is such a shame as he has excellent knowledge and comes from a good place of wanting to get things right.

This thread is giving me some good ideas on how to communicate better. Any thoughts on encouraging him to calm down when he gets carried away - not so much with me, but with other folk?

So after that, myself and a colleague have had bad few days. Boss wants us to complete a piece of work for him but won't / can't articulate what he wants. So it's trial and error. Sometimes he likes it, sometimes he doesn't. At every review he changes the goalposts.Then yesterday he started screaming about not wanting to have to micro-manage and demanding that we "step up". I am an experienced worker. I am very good at tasks like this. I know it's not me, it's him. I'm upset and anxious and feel about 1 inch tall. I cannot go on like this.

I had a boss like you describe in your most recent post (he didn’t come with the other issues described further up the thread). I was in the kind of organisation where people at that level tend to move onto to a new role every couple of years so I sat it out, but it massively undermined my already fairly fragile confidence, so I’m not sure that was the right answer!

If that’s not likely or you don’t think you’ll survive intact and then I would think about looking elsewhere. I think there are some people who can survive that kind of boss unscathed, but I wasn’t one of them - have a think about whether you are. It didn’t matter that I understood that it was largely him and not me, it still made me feel like I was failing constantly. It gets harder to move as you lose your confidence. Does the company offer something really special that you want to stay for?

@swimwithaview I am well paid and I get to work from home a lot. If I moved jobs I would almost certainly have to commute at least an hour / 90 mins each way. Not so bad now that DS has gone to uni so possibly worth rethinking that. I am not the type of person to survive under that kind of regime, I guess the thing is, how frequently will it be like that. Weekly - I'm off. Monthly - well I'll be uncomfortable. Quarterly - could possibly deal with it. For now I'm sitting here with a knot in my stomach feeling pretty low

Maybe give it a bit longer then and see how it pans out? And bond with your colleague over how appalling it is! You could also think about some coaching for yourself to help keep you sane and maybe develop something other than an ulcer along the way!

You could also start putting feelers out to see what else is on the market, even if it’s just some exploratory chats with recruitment consultants. I feel like the flexible working thing has really shifted a bit in the last few years so you might be surprised by what you could arrange with a new employer.

Good luck, it’s a horrible situation to be in.

Thanks @swimwithaview. I'm coming to the same conclusions. They say you join a company and leave a boss. How true is that

I'm sorry you've had a bad few days IceQueen :(

Maybe this can be a learning experience too. When is this piece of work due? I'd suggest that after it's completed, you send boss an email as follows:

Regarding the recent piece of work:

1. We did not have sufficient information to complete this work based on your original brief, and
2. The expected parameters of the work changed as we were working on it, which meant that we needed more feedback from you.
3. To avoid delays to work in future, we suggest that the initial brief be detailed and timelines confirmed right at the start. Perhaps an initial TC to discuss would be helpful.

I know he doesn't like TCs but at least then you have the option to ask as many questions as possible at the time!

So now the piece of work is changed completely. Just come out of a meeting and he was as nice as can be. Laughing and joking. I am now 100% committed to this task. (In spite of being 100% committed to 2 other tasks). My nerves are shredding!

Sometimes the learning experience is that certain people are impossible

That was meant to be

How frustrating for you! I've smiled reading all the great advice you've had- DH and DS1 are like this (but without the senior management dynamic!).

It's really hard, because you feel flustered when he is ranting at you. If you can switch off from taking it personally, you can ignore the rant, wait for a pause and say 'So you're changing the spec? We'll need more time."

If it helps, he probably thinks of your role as an extension of himself- you are supposed to do what he wants you to do in the same way his hand or foot does. When you don't perform as expected, it's a bit of a shocker for him.

After 25 yrs It still shocks DH when I point out that I don't want to spend every day of my holiday looking at castles (or trains).

@picklemepopcorn

If it helps, he probably thinks of your role as an extension of himself- you are supposed to do what he wants you to do in the same way his hand or foot does. When you don't perform as expected, it's a bit of a shocker for him

^^
This exactly

He feels he doesn't have to explain, and then he's incredibly frustrated when we don't know what he wants

Sigh

I said about the more time, and my colleague being on vacation for the next 2 weeks, and he just said "No"

It's absolutely fine to bat it back at him.

"No"

"What do you suggest?"

"Well get it done."

"Not possible"

Then challenge him. Just because he is beloved to be autistic does not give him free reign to ruin people's lives around him. If he can not manage his staff then he should not be a manager.

He feels he doesn't have to explain, and then he's incredibly frustrated when we don't know what he wants

I don't think that's quite what's going on and I don't think he can see it that way - otherwise he'd do something about it. A huge part of autism that NT people are generally clueless about and don't understand is deficits in communication and he's demonstrating a very common one.

He feels he doesn't have to explain
There's a name for this which escapes me at the moment, one of the speech and language tests shows it, it's when someone launches into a narrative assuming you are au fait with all the ins and outs of their situation and then expects you to take action.

That's because they genuinely don't realise that you don't know what they know.

You'll have to get that message across to him and patiently explain that he needs to do a briefing assuming you know absolutely nothing, because his current briefings don't contain the information you need.

Have a read of this article, there's loads about autistic peoples' communication. www.iidc.indiana.edu/pages/Social-Communication-and-Language-Characteristics-Associated-with-High-Functioning-Verbal-Children-and-Adults-with-ASD

This bullet point is close Have difficulty knowing that he or she has the responsibility to give the communication partner sufficient information to understand the message. In addition, he or she may have difficulty surmising what information the partner already has and what new information is needed

Frustrating as it is for you, it's not his fault, he's autistic and that's how he's wired. He doesn't instinctively know that he's not giving the right information in his briefings, he cannot intuit that from your responses unless you patiently explain to him exactly what information you need from him.
He thinks he's given you everything you need to do the task, you need to let him know what else you need in order to get the result he wants.

Theory of mind?

Oddly, he may need things spelling out with nothing left to inference, yet be completely unable to express in that way himself.

Could you find a polite way of referencing the communication differences, to draw attention to them occurring? When DH is complaining about something, I'll point out 'yes but you don't like change/that's a communication thing/she probably doesn't see it the same way as you'. It really helps him to remember that he may be reacting a bit more than the situation really requires.

Thanks for the link @BlankTimes. It's all useful to be able to recognize the behaviors. What to do about them and how to cope with them is another matter.

His first language isn't English and that makes it harder to interpret what's going on. If he's challenged he will fall back on this rather than admit an error "it was my poor English".

However it's very useful to have this input. Thank you all once more

Read some sites for ppl with aspergers (there are thousands) -esp "Loving Mr Spock" for wives of men with aspergers/high-functioning autism) and you will understand better.

I started working with autistic ppl at university when I was asked by autistic students to help as I speak in a very direct blunt way so autistic ppl find me relaxing to be around as I just tell them specifically the information they need to know. No superfluous details.

For example for these autistic boys at university, on campus a sample conversation is" "is the teacher happy with my interactions is class" "yes" "does that girl like me?" "No" "Why?" "Because you are staring at her so she thinks you are rude. You also smell like you haven't showered today and that offends people" "Ok thank you that's useful to know"- then they type on their phone "remember to shower and don't stare at girls. Because like all boys they are desperate for a romantic relationship but can't read the 93% of non-verbal communication we take for granted).

With a boss you need to communicate like your car direction machine. ONLY FACTS. ONLY DIRECTIONS. For example if you send him an email make it strictly factual. Then if he rings you say, for example "I can't talk now I will ring you back in 12 minutes."

Then calm yourself. At any time you are speaking to him and he's making you anxious say "I have a task to do now for .xx...minutes I will ring you back." Remember they are literalists.

If he is flustering you about how he is perceived in his workspace ask him for a list of directions about exactly what to say to who etc. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to send you a very precise list:-)

So don't take him yelling at you personally. It is often due to him being flustered and confused. This doesn't make it ok, but while you need to work for him, just make the situation easier for you both by being super clear,rational,logical and directive....like talking to Mr Spock:-)

Hope it improves for you OP.
You need to be what you yourself would consider rude (the Germans call this being direct ). He won't consider it brusque or wonder why social niceties aren't there, it just requires black-white formulating.
I do wish more threads were like this though - you being receptive to advice and others giving it freely with nobody getting defensive.
Good luck with the project

remember to shower and don't stare at girls
I hope this is my atypical lovely boy one day (Me: Would you prefer a bath or a shower? Him: No).

I am beginning to suspect he might be hiding a narcissistic personality disorder behind a false autistic spectrum diagnosis. He sounds despotic and completely impossible. Have a quick look at “The Pocket Psychopath” and see if that ticks more boxes. If so, you may have to cut your losses. The screaming down the phone at you and taking no responsibility thing is what is ringing alarm bells for me. Also the micromanaging and claiming not to want to. The guy’s a loon.