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Reasonable to refuse to work with a pregnant woman?

72 replies

Bestseller · 07/02/2019 17:15

So, A is having fertility treatment. Colleague B has recently announced her pregnancy.

B understands it is difficult for A and is doing her best not to rub it in her face but A is being absolutely vile.

She has stated that she hates B both publically and privately and that that won't change even if she does fall pregnant, this is her time not to be shared with B etc etc. ATM A is very deliberately and publically refusing to speak to B. They are supposed to work closely together so this is an issue, quite apart from how upsetting it is for B.

So, is this one of those things management and colleagues gave to live with, understanding that A is struggling or is the lack of professionalism a disciplinary matter?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 07/02/2019 18:56

Stinkytoe - nope, I had repeated ICSI treatments. I did not bully any of my pregnant work colleagues. Nobody deserves to be bullied at work.

And actually post likes yours have the opposite impact that you'd desire - it sets up a idea that those struggling to have a family should be able to behave with impunity. I'd much rather people were educated as to why it's so damn hard (stats and what the actual treatment requires and emotional and financial impacts ) which would hopefully enable greater empathy all round.

TakenForSlanted · 07/02/2019 19:02

Some heartless women on here! Always the same From smug fertile people.

No, absolutely not. Here's the thing:

Employees can get resentful of one another for all sorts of reasons. You obviously seem to believe that infertility warrants special compassion. But not everyone values having children and a family the same. Other colleagues might feel just as strongly about compensation. Or seniority/career progression. Or takes allocation. Or any number of things.

The point is, people - and this very much includes functioning adults in the workplace - can and do develop feelings of envy and resentment. And while that's not ideal, it can't be helped.

What can be helped is employees becoming someone else's target. In fact, it MUST be helped in the sense that this is something employers are obliged to protect other employees from.

To the victim of bullying it doesn't particularly matter whether they're being targeted for their ability to fall pregnant or to be promoted. They have a right to be protected against this kind of hostile behaviour in the workplace.

Likewise, employers have not only a duty to protect their employees but also a right to protect themselves from the potential legal consequences of them being "understanding" of the bully's situation, i.e. letting them get away with it.

As stated in my first post, firms and managers do have a reasonable expectation of a minimum level of emotional maturity and self-control on the part of their employees, and that's pretty much entirely divorced from the reason for them being upset (unless, perhaps, it's a direct result of the employer's actions). To claim that special consideration should be given to the fact that this is about fertility would, in effect, result in a bias against employees who would value a seat on the board of directors or unpaid time off or any of a million possibilities over a pregnancy. It should be pretty obvious why that's not on.

By the way, I have absolutely no idea whether discrimination over emotional triggers would be a legal issue,so long as it's not over a protected characteristic under the EA. Fascinating question, though. I'll ask legal tomorrow just because I'm curious at this point.

Schmoobarb · 07/02/2019 19:05

*Some heartless women on here!

Always the same
From smug fertile people.

Shame on you all!*

From a business perspective, the employer cannot be seen to be condoning bullying and harassment of a pregnant woman. Nothing to do with being heartless but about protecting the business and the employee being harassed.

I’d have a very serious line in the sand convo with A tomorrow making clear that while you appreciate her difficult personal circumstances, her attitude towards B needs to improve with immediate effect and point her towards your bullying and harassment policy and suggests she familiarise herself with this and act on the contents, or she could face disciplinary action. Further, it’s a reasonable management instruction to work with B and if she doesn’t do so that could also lead to disciplinary action being taken

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/02/2019 19:17

@Stinkytoe there's never a reason to bully and abuse someone. No matter how heart broken she is,it doesn't give her the right to badmouth a colleague,refuse to work with them or tell them she hates them to their face. A is being a dick.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 07/02/2019 19:20

I have been in this situation. Going
through fertility treatment whilst managing and working with someone pregnant. Who made it very hard for me.

You just have to get on with it. I smiled and bore it with grace and counted the days till she went off.

You cannot act this way at work.

TheInnerVoice · 07/02/2019 19:20

Some heartless women on here! Always the same From smug fertile people. how do you know that everyone replying on here is fertile?

It’s absolutely ludicrous to think that someone can behave as they like and use infertility as an excuse to do so.

It’s worth bearing in mind that arseholes can be infertile too, but infertility does not give you the right to behave like an arsehole.

I suspect A would be of the type to demand special treatment if she were to get pregnant on the basis of what she’d been through to get there. And would be first to cry discrimination if someone with fertility issues behaved towards her in the way she’s behaving now.

Remember infertility doesn’t make you a saint

Graphista · 07/02/2019 19:26

"I would not have supported them in openly bullying a colleague for having the temerity to be pregnant. There is a line it’s not ok to cross."exactly!

A few pps have I believe said they have experienced infertility. None of my friends & family that have/are experiencing it would behave like this either!

There's never an excuse to discriminate against and bully a colleague, none!

eurochick · 07/02/2019 20:08

A is clearly in the wrong. And I say that as someone who went through fertility treatment and a miscarriage, while those around me got pregnant.

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/02/2019 20:13

You need to take action now, OP, and A should be disciplined. B is going to have a strong case against the company if you don't protect her from this in the workplace.

SemperIdem · 07/02/2019 20:16

A is quite clearly in the wrong and needs to be dealt with.

explodingkitten · 07/02/2019 20:45

I have had 5.5 years of fertility treatments and multiple miscarriages. I still think that A ahouldn't take it so personally. Yes, it's hard to work with a pregnant woman but if A hadn't been infertile she would have been the pregnant woman.

wireswireswires · 07/02/2019 20:57

Some heartless women on here! Always the same From smug fertile people.

Bollocks.

A needs to get a grip. And that's coming from someone who's suffered infertility and many, MANY miscarriages.

Brenna24 · 07/02/2019 22:52

Stinkytoe you are way out of line. Another sufferer of recurrent miscarriage here. It is no excuse to behave like that to anyone in this world, in or out of work. Of course it rips you up inside and you go home and have a good cry (on the way home on a bad day) to be around pregnant women, especially when in the process of having a miscarriage. I have always still pasted a smile on my face and reminded myself that their joy and my misfortune are totally separate things and tried to be happy for them.

We still have to be professional at work. I have been less than professional at times (I have cried in work at times - luckily my job was not public facing) but not in a way that would compromise my relationship with my colleagues and certainly not in a way that could be considered bullying. Infertility is not an excuse for that sort of behaviour.

Had A come to you all and said that she was having trouble coping and asked for temporary reassignment to a different group or office, that would have been far more reasonable, likewise had she taken up your offer of counselling. Or even taken a couple of weeks off to find time to put her game face on for work, less ideal but understandable.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 08/02/2019 09:18

Hi OP, if she had behaved this way because the other lady was black you'd be all over it. This is no different, pregnancy is a protected characteristic in the same way as race is.

As others have said it's a disciplinary matter. I don't know if it is gross misconduct, you do need to take the circumstances into account and sacking someone with no notice pay is a bit extreme. But without pre-judging and I realise that's exactly what I am doing, a disciplinary hearing and a written warning would seem like the minimum that should happen, possibly a final written warning.

Aridane · 09/02/2019 18:12

stinky - stop being an apologist for behaviour that is totally unacceptable in the workplace

OakElmAsh · 11/02/2019 13:32

@Bestseller very curious as to how the conversation with A went?

SnapesGreasyHair · 11/02/2019 18:56

Her reaction is obviously not ok and needs to be dealt with but the poor woman must be absolutely broken.

I was absolutely broken when my Dad died, but it didn't mean l could go around treating those who still had a Dad like shit!

Aridane · 11/02/2019 20:20

Exactly, snapes

Peridot1 · 11/02/2019 20:30

A is being ridiculous. And I say that as someone who had fertility treatment twice and both times friends announced pregnancies. I hugged them, congratulated them and went home and cried in private. It’s called being a grown up. First time mine was successful, second time it wasn’t. The time it wasn’t three friends were pregnant.

ValleyoftheHorses · 11/02/2019 21:00

*God, my heart breaks for poor A. Imagine what internal torment she must be going through to have responded like this.

Her reaction is obviously not ok and needs to be dealt with but the poor woman must be absolutely broken.*
Agree with this
A needs help. She can’t be allowed to act like this but disciplinary etc is harsh and avoid if possible. Could one or other be moved to a different team or something?is A having counselling- they need it.

FWIW I have felt like A. I didn’t say awful things like hate or anything but I basically stopped speaking to B beyond what was needed to be polite and professional- no chats, no asking how things were and not helping with work unless I had to (my role is solo so I don’t have to collaborate normally). It was a shit time because I’m normally a warm and chatty person. I’d like to think B understood though.

YouBumder · 11/02/2019 21:47

Disciplinary is NOT harsh. Dismissal might be but the employer needs to protect the business from the risk of B claiming harassment due to her pregnancy and to show that they’re taking it seriously. Plus if anyone moves it needs to be A. You can’t ask someone who’s the victim of harassment to move.

ThanosSavedMe · 11/02/2019 21:55

A is being a bitch.

There are plenty of woman with similar problems who don’t behave this way. It doesn’t matter what she’s going through, her behaviour is unacceptable.

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