Worried and scared..what do you advise?

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Hi everyone, I’m hoping there are some wise HR/employment law experts here who can help. Any advice would be MUCH appreciated, so thank you :)

Background (bit long sorry but relevant):
I work for a large multinational. I’ve been at the company about 4 years, and I’ve been promoted once.

I’m in my late 20s, and in June of this year, my fiancé of 7 years and I went on a break and subsequently broke up. This has been the most painful experience of my life so far, and really knocked me for six. We lived together, we were half way through buying a house together, I was closer to his mum than I am to my own, and it’s been a very emotional few months.

I didn’t tell anyone at work at the time but it definitely affected my performance at work. In July, my manager questioned my work and set out various projects/deadlines on paper which were sent to me in an email. I panicked and ended up crying in front of her the next day, and told her about the break up. She was pretty neutral but asked if I had supportive friends/family, which I confirmed. A few weeks after that I discovered that my ex-fiancé was already seeing someone, and that they had already been dating 4 weeks after I moved out (or so I thought). I found out at work and couldn’t stop crying, so I told my manager and asked if I could work from home the rest of the day, which she agreed to. Other than that, I’ve not mentioned this break up to her or other senior people at work and I’ve not taken any proper time off until recently. But the emotional repercussions have definitely been going on in the background. My manager also didn’t again bring up the projects/deadlines she’d sent to me by email.

Fast forward to October: a close family member had a serious health scare, and at this time I was still in touch with my ex-fiance’s mum, so I mentioned this to her. My ex-fiancé then got in touch with me to say he hoped everything was okay, which led to us having contact again and considering getting back together. Over a very difficult few weeks I discovered that he had actually gone on holiday with his new girlfriend 6 days after we started our break, that they had met before I actually moved out of the house we shared together, and various other things which he had been hiding from me. It was extremely traumatic. We basically went through a second break up, and I also had to ‘break up’ with his parents, as I knew we had to stop all contact. It was the right decision and a relief in a lot of ways to find these things out, but also just utterly shit, and again I was super emotional and distracted throughout all of this. During most of this time, my manager was actually away on holiday for a month, and then I went away for two weeks of holiday, so we had a good 6 weeks of no work contact.

The day I got back from holiday (end of Nov) my manager sat me down and told me that she’s worried that I’m going to struggle in my annual review in January/February, that my performance had been ‘noticed’, that there had been feedback that I’ve not been very available or easy to get hold of, and that there had been a few ‘misses’. She said she thinks there’s still time, but the previous plan we had agreed on was out of date and sent me a new plan with new deadlines. I mostly listened in the meeting and tried not to say anything because I’m terribly scared. Since then I’ve been knuckling down and really trying to deliver. The projects/deadlines are intense and it’s meant working late nights and weekends. But I’m terrified that it won’t be enough and that I’ll be put on an employment improvement plan at my annual review.

I’m posting here because I’d really like to get advice from anyone who’s an expert in HR and/or employment law, on the best way to handle this situation. Can anyone advise me on the following:
• Should I talk more to my manager about what I’ve been through over the last 6 months?
• Should I acknowledge/agree that I have not been performing?
• I also have an eating disorder which I get lots of support for but flared up over the last 6 months due to all the stress/emotional pain – should I mention this? I’d prefer not to, but is it in my best interest?
• What will happen in Jan/Feb if I don’t meet the bar for my annual review?
• Will her manager (my skip manager) be aware of all this? I’m supposed to have monthly catch ups with this skip manager - should I open up about everything? How open should I be?
• What if I can’t meet some of the new deadlines? I have already missed one due to the massively intense workload of 1 specific project – my manager is aware this has been pushed back, but will this come back to bite me come Jan/Feb?
• Do you have any other advice on how I can manage this? I just really want to get out of the woods and back on an even keel with my life, frankly.

For context, I don’t think my manager is a horrible person, but she is not emotionally invested and is extremely critical/prickly (not just of me, across the board in all her interactions), and the whole atmosphere just now feels intensely oppressive. I am considering looking for a new job but I was hoping to buy a house in the new year, and I’d rather stay put for now if I can.

Any advice would be really, really gratefully appreciated.

Okay, deep breaths. I honestly think the only thing you can do here is say to yourself "well, that was a shit year." then focus on work and ensuring you do your best to show improvement. As much as you've had a tough time, to be blunt, lots of people face similar everyday. While I'd expect a boss to be supportive you can't really expect them to tolerate the role not being performed appropriately for a lengthy period.
Everyone copes differently but, having been through horrific family deaths and sad break ups I have always looked at work as my stabiliser. I put on my poker face and get stuck in. Distraction is sometimes the best way to get through things. That doesn't mean I don't have moments when I fall apart but I try to hold it together at work. The one time I cried in recent times I excused myself and went to the loo then on return I was asked if I was okay - clearly I wasn't but I said "yep, just needed a moment" and boss made me tea.
Don't let an ex ruin your career! You can do this and be proud of getting through it.

You’ve been through a hard time called a break up, but that isn’t your employers fault. So yes you now need to prove yourself

See it as a lucky thing, a lot of employers would have just fired you

I agree. The more you panic the worse your performance will be. Just accept that you had a tough time and you managed it as well as you could then and focus on the future. If you are put on a performance notice, it's not the end of the world, you can come of it.

Do the best you can for now, your manager will recognise that you have. Don't talk to her anymore about your situation as however sympathetic she may or may not be, you are still expected to perform.

Would some counselling help? cbt might be a good investment right now to get your life back on tract and reassure your boss you are right back on track.

I am afraid I agree that you need to take what is coming and pull your socks up. What you have described is unpleasant but it is nothing what most people haven't gone through at some time or another. You need to start to leave your problems at the door. Your manager is not your councillor, I think you have been lucky to have not been fired or put on performance management already. Take that as a positive.

I think refer to the acas procedures to understand how performance management works. Work on your performance but not so hard as to make yourself ill. Ask for feedback on how you're improving. Make sure your efforts are visible. Get counselling- this can look great in reviews to show you're doing everything you can to help yourself. Shit happens and people go through rocky periods all the time. You can get through this- don't let your ex's behaviour ruin your career.

Lots of good advice already. You have had a rough time, and you've let it impact your work, and your employer has given you the opportunity to fix it. Provided the deadlines are realistic, the best thing you can do is demonstrate your commitment to meeting them.

I would also strongly advise you to get some support outside of work. Your manager needs to have confidence that you're not going to have another dip in performance, which means you need to make sure you have emotional support when you need it.

As kindly as possible, as a pp said, most people go through what you've been through at some point during their working lives.
Your priority now is to get your performance at work back on track. I wouldn't say anything more about my personal life to my boss/HR people tbh. Seek outside help if necessary (counselling etc) but leave the personal stuff outside work.
You tell them during your review that you know you've been under performing, you'll take on board their advice and you'll do your best to improve. Then do it.
Next year will be better!

In addition to what girlsofgold writes, you should be able to see a copy of the company’s performance management process. It would help to know how that works and if there is a timeline, to know where you are on it.
I assume you are in the UK, if so you have rights as an employee to know where your performance is lacking and be given reasonable notice to improve. The acas site is very useful for this information.

Please seek counselling or help of some sort.

Be open. It’s not a weakness to tell management what you are going through. We are all human and if they had known more earlier, they could have put more support in place.

Take this opportunity to get back on track, even if you have to ask for help, I had a very stressful time leading up to maternity leave as my partner lost his job, however I went back to the work with a promotion as they knew I had a dip in performance for personal reasons but also they knew what I could achieve.

I agree about the honesty, it’s easier as a manager to provide the right support and signposting early on before problems escalate

A performance improvement plan in a multinational business should be pretty robust and should give you the opportunity to improve. You'll know the company best tho.

Having worked in this sort of environment and been the manager, I'd advise:

• acknowledging with you manager and skip manager that your performance hadn't been where you want it to be. (Your boss sounds thorough so I'd be surprised if your skip manager doesn't know)
• being open / appearing grateful for the support your manager is putting in place
• make sure you are clear about what you need to deliver (and ideally deliver it)
• these type of organisations often have an Employee Support programme that can offer counselling. Ask if something like this is in place and without using it as an excuse, acknowledge your having some issues which you're keen to deal with. If they don't have it, seek some external support. You don't have to go into all of the details but I'd be open about you understanding you need help and getting some.

It seems scarey just now but I know of several individuals who have been in your situation and turned it around. They're stronger for it and are doing well at work years later in promotes roles.

Just to echo the good advice you’ve had, I’m afraid. I’m an HR a professional and been in your shoes. You’ve told them what the issue is, and they are being supportive. Now you need to deliver - I’m afraid whatever is happening in your personal life, ultimately work is work and they will expect you to deliver. You’ve clearly had a difficult time but you sound bright and articulate. You will be fine. Both in work and at home. But it does take time.

I would echo the pps but add that it might help to think of some examples of things that have gone really well this year to. Did you contribute well to something, get some positive feedback, volunteer for something, go on a training course? You don't want your review of the past year to be soley negative.

I would be very briefly acknowledging the issues I've faced and be sorting out something to live passed it even if it's just contacting a counsellor at this stage.

Also think about what you want for the next year. Is there any training, shadowing, projects etc you would like to do.

It seems to me that instead of supporting the OP this manager has increased her workload and put her under more pressure.

I have found myself working in a corporate environment and it is becoming clear to me that they give zero fucks about welfare and individuals and have learnt not to look to my employers for support for anything other than work stuff. Sadly the industry i work in is going that way across the board so its not even worth looking for a new job.

I agree with posters who suggest counselling. CBT will be good for offering strategies for coping when you are expected to suppress your emotions at work.

Actually i also treat my work as my stabilising environment and do my best to keep personal issues out of it. However, when that safety net is threatened in any way that exacerbates things.

We are at work more than anywhere else. We are not robots and shouldn't be expected to perform as such.

It sounds like its a good idea to look for a new job and s new start.

As someone said, you are clearly intelligent and articulate so look for an employer that will support and develop you ratger than threaten you with shit reviews.

It sounds like the manager is trying to help by flagging now, giving an opportunity to rectify, rather than simply giving a poor appraisal in Jan/Feb.

OP, I would do what you can now - pick the tasks that will give you the best outcome - then you might get appraised as 'under performed for some parts of the year, but with good progress in Q4'

I think it's fine to mention the split at your appraisal, how hard it's been, how you've done your best to keep going and how you feel that you're over the worst of it. What I wouldn't do is give the whole history, nor would I talk about the ill family member or the eating disorder. From a company perspective, the former is probably resolved, the latter probably unresolved (therefore ongoing and more of a concern).

This might come across as cold - genuinely not meant - I've simply got my 'senior exec' hat on and am trying to see what would work from the other side of the table. I'm sorry you've had such a shit year.

It sounds like you've been given a second chance, so rise to the challenge.

You can't bring your personal problems to work and let it impact your performance to this degree.

Do not sit and offload your personal problems onto your manager, simply state that you've had some personal issues but they are resolved now. In the mean time get cracking, demonstrate an improved performance and you are able to cope with your job.

Yes your second line manager will be aware. However again, if you now demonstrate you can do the job and your personal life won't impact your performance then you still have hope. So look forward not back.

I think it's fine to mention the split at your appraisal, how hard it's been, how you've done your best to keep going and how you feel that you're over the worst of it

Don't do this, it's extremely unprofessional to sit and tell your boss how hard your break up has been, especially at your appraisal, and your manager isn't th most empathetic.

So just say you've had some issues, you've learned from them, you're back on am even keel, and it won't happen again and that you hope your recent performance has demonstrated that.

Bluntness
The OP has already told her manager about the split, so it would be referring back to a mid-year conversation. But I take your point.

Exactly, the manager knows, there is no need for her to go into her appraisal and discuss it again. In fact it's

Unprofessional!

It seems to me that instead of supporting the OP this manager has increased her workload and put her under more pressure

On the contrary, the manager has been very supportive so far. The OP has already failed an improvement plan - the manager could have started capability procedures.

I agree with Bluntness - she's a manager, not a counsellor. I'd put all your personal tribulations behind you and focus on the future. Look at the improvement plan as a structure for your work for the next year (or whatever it is). You want your manager coming out that meeting with confidence that you'll be reliable and productive in the future.

I have seen situations like this be turned round. I agree with those who suggested putting on a 'professional' poker face, to help your manager to believe that the reasons for your below-par performance are behind you, or at least that you can ignore them at work.

The projects/deadlines are intense and it’s meant working late nights and weekends.

That concerns me. Why is this?

• Are you in an industry or company which expects such long hours? And if so, do you want to stay?
• Has your manager set you too much work? Does she realise? Is she trying to get you to make up for the previous few months? It may not be intentional, but unless you are in a work-all-hours industry, I would be tempted to discuss this with her, and subsequently put in writing, that the workload is not reasonably achievable in the time. You may also wish to agree with her what is reasonably achievable, and whether that will allow you to pass the appraisal.
• It is possible that you are working more slowly than expected. It doesn't sound like it from what you have written, but can you do an honest review on yourself just in case it's this?

Breaking up can be horrible, miserable and all-consuming, and it does take time to recover. You need to have a strategy to separate work from it though, to give you space to start to recover if nothing else; there are some good ideas from pp on friends, family and counselling.