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Original poster

Row with mum over nursery

37 replies

mylittleman · 23/06/2007 12:32

We are sending our son to nursery when he is 8 months old as I have to go back to work for financial reasons. My mother has strong views on the matter and really thinks he is too young to be at nursery full time. In an ideal world I would give anything to stay at home with him a bit longer or go back to work part time but it's not possible. I now feel really sad and really guilty about it all. I guess what my mum said got to me cos I have misgivings about it, but on the other hand my mum knows I can't afford to go part time so I wish she had kept her mouth shut to be honest.
I guess I just need some supportive words from those of you in the same boat or those who have been through it.

OP posts:
ktmoomoo · 23/06/2007 12:36

i have not been through this but have been a childminder and worked in day nurseries xx ive seen babies 12 weeks old go full time and not suffer it does them no harm at all they get interaction cuddles and stimulation still it not bad at all try not to feel guilty your mum is of the age where all mums were stay at home mums and have not had this nursery expierience, you will still vhave a great bond with you child dont worry hun xxx

poppy34 · 23/06/2007 12:37

so sorry that your mum is not being more supportive at what is obviously quite a difficult time. I assume for some reason your mother is not in a position to offer more practical help than berate you for your decision.

you're clearly doing the best you can in the circumstances as sah is not an option so please don't give too much airtime to your mother when you're already feeling anxious enough.

Can't yet speak from personal experienceyet but FWIW my sister was in nursery from 6 months and me from 18 months and never did us any harm. Also a number of my closest friends put their children into nursery from 8 months and they don't seem worse for experience (In fact one of them was a bit put out as her ds loves it so much that he announced one saturday a few weeks ago that he wanted to go to nursery not stay at home!).

cornsilk · 23/06/2007 12:43

Mylittleman, I went back to work when my ds was 6 months, fulltime ,'cos I had to.I also felt guilty and had the unkind comments. Looking back now, I think the most important thing is to make sure the time you have with your ds is full of love. Try to ignore negative comments as they'll only stress you out.

flibbertyjibbet · 23/06/2007 12:43

DS1 started nursery at 12m, ds2 at 7m cos I had to go back to work early what with two of them around now. both settled in fine, they love having all these little friends, they get full on activity and entertainment all day, and tbh mine cry when they have to come home sometimes and this morning DS1 was upset that he couldn't go to nursery! I think its unfair of your mum to be so critical, you have to do what is best for you and your family. If your mum does not work full time has she offered to have him for a day (location permitting)? Or is she annoyed that she is not going to look after him? My mum comes to ours and minds them once a week, but then she thinks that the nursery is great. Personally I prefer to pay a nursery than have them with granny all the time. Tell her to butt out. If you get a good nursery with lots of outside space to play then its not like they are cooped up?
Just grit your teeth and ignore her.

Woooozle100 · 23/06/2007 12:44

Sorry you are going through this. Not what you need, especially when you have your own reservations anyway - going back to work is hard enough.

My MIL was a bit like this, but far worse to come from yr own mom, I think.

As an aside have you looked into tax credits as a means of topping up yr income if you do not work full time hours? This has worked for me - have been able to reduce hours where I previously didn't think it was financially viable option.

Apologies if not though. All the best

Lentils · 23/06/2007 12:48

It's not ideal, but keep telling yourself, what's right for your ENTIRE family, is right for you.

Original poster
mylittleman · 23/06/2007 12:50

Thanks for the support. My mum works full time at the mo. I think she wishes she could help out as loves him to bits. She has offered to help out with a money a bit but it wouldn't really make a difference as its so expensive. I am happy with the nursery we've chosen and it does have lots of outdoor space which is great.

OP posts:
Chelseamum · 25/06/2007 18:31

put your hands in your ears and go.... LA LALA LA LA LA.... we all make our choices for different reasons and you've made yours... You only know what is going to work best to your OWN little family!

I am going back to work soon and feel the same as you.... as my mum thinks I should stay at home with dd.... but I love my job so... i am going back...

Good luck!!

LucyJones · 25/06/2007 18:35

Is there definitely no way you can go part time? Like someone else said tax credits do help an enormous amount.
Or would your mu be prepared to go part time and you work part time?
The onlyreason I ask is because my ds went to nursery 2 days a week at 5 months and he was shattered by the whole experience, got hardly any sleep there. The other alternative is a childminder as if full time is the only option at least your ds would get more one to one care?

lemonaid · 25/06/2007 18:45

I went back to work FT when DS was that age and he went to nursery, and he's absolutely fine -- has a blast when he's there, loves the staff, has a host of friends that he's grown up with since they were babies and who all great each other with big hugs and kisses every morning now they are two (it's just the cutest thing ever) but he's still very attached to DH and to me and we have fun as a family too. It can (and usually does) work out beautifully.

Oh, and my DS slept fine at nursery -- far better than he slept at home, to begin with. All babies are different.

mozhe · 25/06/2007 19:03

You are doing the best thing for yourself and your son by working fulltime.....be proud of yourself , ignore your mother, and give yourself a nice treat at the end of the first week.
Loads of children thrive in nurseries...see how yours goes, and keep it under review.
I work fulltime,( always have ), and my children are fine and happy.
Good luck....we're rooting for you !!

pointydog · 25/06/2007 19:11

sympathies.

When I went back to work my mum and mil were both vehemently opposed to paid childcare. It can give you a huge guilt-trip.

Keep up some contact with the nursery before your ds starts and take one day at a time afterwards. You love your son, no one should be making you feel that guilty so don't let them.

mozhe · 26/06/2007 07:54

She DOESN'T need sympathy just support and encouragement ....she is doing the right thing !!

littlelapin · 26/06/2007 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubyslippers · 26/06/2007 08:07

I think you have to ignore what your mum said - it seems very insensitive of her. Don't beat yourself up about the decision as it is the right one for your family.

I do know what you are going through as my DS has been in nursery since he was 6 months old. I also had to go back to work for financial reasons but i can honestly say my DS is fine - actually more than fine! He loves nursery (wait till your LO brings his first picture home )
When is your son having his settling in time? I found this helped enormously as i could meet the staff, spend time with his key worker, look around the nursery
Remember when your DS does start nursery you can ring every 10 mins to see if he is ok!
It does get easier, i promise

CaptainUnderpants · 26/06/2007 08:10

You and he will be fine. .

You will find that whatever your decison whether it be , nursery, childminder, nanny, work full time, work part time , SAHM, someone will always have something to so say about it.

You make the choice for what is best for YOUR family .

MY MIL was the same when I had my first child about him going to day care nursery , but as someone said put your fingers in your ears and sing very LOUDLY !!

lemonaid · 26/06/2007 10:46

If someone's mother (whom they love and with whom they have a generally good relationship) is laying a big guilt trip on that person then I think they do need sympathy, mozhe. Support, yes. Encouragement, yes. Doing the right thing, yes. But that doesn't mean they don't need (or wouldn't value) sympathy as well. Assuming they aren't a cyborg, anyway.

kittylouise · 26/06/2007 11:08

Oh, my mum still thinks I am a disgrace to the human race for working full-time, and my dd is 11! Went back to work ft when she was 3 months, and my mum was very vocal in her opinions. There is nothing you can do, just remind her that you ARE an adult and a good mother, and you would appreciate her support. And I am sure that your little one will thrive at nursery. Good luck with it all.

Enid · 26/06/2007 11:10

full time nursery for under 2's a bit much IMO

childminders better

Lizzylou · 26/06/2007 11:12

My Mom was horrified that I put DS1 into nursery for 2 days a week at 8mths , I actually would have done so even if she could have looked after him (she lives 100miles away) as I wanted him to have the social interaction and structure of Nursery.

Please don't worry, your son will be fine and so will you.

Nip · 26/06/2007 11:15

My DS went to nursery from 5.5 months and i think he has benefitted hugely from it. He is a very outgoing little chap now, his development has been brilliant and although i would MUCH prefer to be at home with him, this is the best we can do.

Many people said my DS was too young to go, but the girls at his nursery are brilliant, they deserve medals. They are so attentive, loving and caring!

You do what you have to... and your DS will love it!

lemonaid · 26/06/2007 11:16

Depends on the childminder and the nursery. I agree that the world's best childminder is better for an under-2 than even the world's best nursery, but not that (for example) childminders near me with vacancies are necessarily better than nurseries near me. A really good nursery can be better than a so-so childminder, IMO.

squiffy · 26/06/2007 11:30

My mum thought I shouldn't put my 4mth DS in a nursery, then after about 6 months when she saw how much he thrived and enjoyed being there she admitted to me that she'd been wrong. It's a generation thing - if the nursery is good your DS will be fine. Personally I think it is much crueler to keep a child at home until they go to school and then expect them to suddenly develop advanced social skills....

nappyaddict · 26/06/2007 12:02

have you thought about a childminder. i think they are sometimes better for the littlies as they aren't so regimented.

pointydog · 26/06/2007 16:27

mozhe, you're a little touchy.