Demanding job - not going back

[kerala]

My job is really demanding its in the city and involves long hours (regularly workign until 10/11pm) and international travel. It makes me very stressed. The people in charge are all men. Other mothers have tried and failed to negotiate part time/fixed hours.

Have to decide this week whether to go back and have pretty much decided not to. Now having the last minute jitters about being dependent on DH (who is fab and earns enough to support us and is very appreciative of me being a SAHM) and giving up a supposedly good career.

Has anyone else gone back to a job like this? How do you cope? DD 10 months.

i didnt have choice like this about work (self employed and different situ..)
but

...if you have made up your mmind to stay at home and look after your baby esp with no money worries you will / can have just such a fabulous time...

..but will say that as SAHM you have embarked on one of the hardest toughest most rewarding jobs imho and develop loads of new useful skills ..majorjuggling..cookery queen..entertainer...
and you meet a load of weirdos and makes some good pals too..

its great fun as you already know..

the time off work,paid work can be used to find something more rewarding and suited to your new life i think...

hth good lucjk!

what exactly is your job?

My boss wasn't flexible on hours so I went back when DS was 10 months. I regret it so much. I had to put him into nursery. I missed him terribly and if I'd had a choice like DH supporting me I would have gladly embarked on the great full time job as a mum. Stress, international travel and unflexible hours are not good for babies and husbands. Take a year or two off and get a new job or career when DD is a bit bigger and can enjoy being with other children. Good luck with your choice. Go with your instincts.

Is this a job that you can do on a contract basis, ie contract to work on a particular project then leave when the project finishes? It may be that your work (or other companies) might feel more comfortable about reduced contract hours than reduced permanant hours as they can cancel the contract easily if they want to.

My dh works in credit risk for investment banks. He is working on a contract at the moment, but he is also a partner in a company that places contractors and he has negotiated a part-time contract for at least one person that I know of.

You are going to find it really difficult either way I'm afraid. I wnet back after dd, and dh and I used to argue all the time about who was going to ick up from nursery, who got to use the pc to log onto work in the evenings.... 2 people doing v. demanding jobs is IMO&E just not feasable

But the change to SAHM is a very big one and I ended up with serious depression because of it. YOu need to recognise and address the issues you will face instead of just thinking they will go away (like I did) Things that have worked for me are: taking on voluntary work so I get some of the work benefits (challenge, stimulation, appreciation from others), managing the family finaces so I don't feel beholden to dh financially, ensuring that dh really does understand how difficult my life is (emotionally rather than practically)

I had a very demanding, senior job in the music industry. Long hours, male dominated, target-driven. I went back for 3 months and hated every minute of it, so resigned. (SAHM for a while, eventually got to where I am today doing a bit of part-time stuff and a bit of freelance stuff, although it took lots of trial, error and fretting to get to this happy-ish balance). Is there any way you can take a career break or extended maternity leave or something? You may feel differently in 6 months or a year, or you may not - but buying more time is always a good plan.

Thanks for these posts really helpful

Bossykate - job is lawyer, senior associate at one of the big name city firms doing transactional work. Not conducive to part time. The mother that does work there has a night nanny and a day nanny as no one nanny can be asked to work for this long. Just can't face that. Plus DH has similar job (he worked until 2am last night). Cant see how a family could function with both working like this.

Decided I will def not go back and have a rethink about what to do - in the meantime being a SAHM which I have found just as challenging in different ways. At least long hour city type jobs prepare you for the no sleep first 6 months of having a baby!

agree that transactional law (is that a phrase?) is not the thing for family life - that's true for your partner btw, not just you

but surely it's not all or nothing? could you move to another area of law that is less demanding in terms of deadlines?

agree with loveangel that buying more time always helps.

Yes thats my plan eventually in a few years to retrain but staying in the profession but doing different type of work where hours are more manageable.

When you're picking your career in your twenties you just dont factor this in (well I didnt)

DH also talking to other employers about getting a less demanding job. He gets so upset about not seeing dd as much as he would like.

Kerala, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I was a City lawyer too and I left after my first baby, and have never regretted it although as other people have said, being a SAHM brings its own pressures and frustrations. Part-time work would be the ideal for me (and I'm guessing for most mothers of young children) but that's a dream for most of us.

The way I figured it out, you can never get those early years back once they've gone. However you can always go back to work (maybe not at the same level, but you can work up to it) so if in a few years' time you decide being a SAHM is no longer working for you, there is nothing to stop you applying for jobs again.

I also think if both parents are in City-type stressed-out jobs, it is not very good for your marriage. There needs to be someone in the family to do the shopping, cook the meals, organise your social life, etc, otherwise none of it gets done and your quality of life takes a nosedive.

Kerala, I am also a city lawyer and in transactional work and I have pretty much decided that I won't come back after my LO is born later this year, even though my income is at least triple my other half's and I just cannot think about how we will make ends meet. I have seen colleagues try and fail to live up to the huge expectations at work and home and to be honest it just made them unhappy trying. Better to stride forward into a new world I think, but if that makes you unhappy, there is always a road back to where you were - even if your career prospects have been dented a bit by absence. My immediate managers have already suggested (in a slightly threatening way) that a nine or twelve month ML absence will make it "hard to catch up" which should be tosh but probably isn't in this environment.
I haven't really enjoyed being bullied into working long hours while pregnant and cannot imagine enjoying it more when I have a small baby at home waiting for me.
It is sad I think that the workplace hasn't grown up in the time women have flooded into it, but we are where we are. I honestly thought all those long years ago that by the time I had children it would be easier to combine work and family but it just makes women into martyrs for a lost cause.
Good luck with your choice and hope it is a creative time for you.

Kerala - it can be done. Am a city lawyer too. Stopped working for a magic circle firm and work in quite a niche area. Now work 4 days a week - 1 from home and leave office early on the days I'm there (although I do work in the evenings). This means that I am not earning the mega bucks that I could be but I am working at a fairly high level and using brain.

Would being a professional support lawyer be an option for you? I know lots of women who have done this and it has worked really well with children. It is not necessarily the most satisfying job in the world, but it can combine really well with family life and flexible working.

Think thats the answer - to step back and work out what you can do with your skills gained to date without working yourself into the ground and missing out on your family.

Just cant bear to think of sitting in my office night after night and not seeing dd because thats what would happen.

good luck whatever you decide

I work in different but equally demanding profession (raher not say) - initially I went back full time (I am main breadwinner) it was 6 months of absolute hell sometimes not seeing DD for 48 hours Would never go there again - now I am in less high pressure area same profession work 2nad half/3 days no weekends or late nights - we downsized and don't have fancy holidays but wecope and my life is so much better (apart from cheaing lying DH but thats another story ) - anyway would never go back to that kind of high pressure working it was recipe for disaster .....

i went back when ds1 was 6wks - then back again when ds2 was 6mths - gave up when ds2 was 2. id had enough of trying to 'fight' to prove i was worthy of being there as i was a mum. retrained and now loveeeeee my new career. less hours, i set my own times etc.

cx

kerala- you might also think about in-house.
Many of the women at my company work part-time and it is generally possible to leave by 6pm (although I often switch on the PC again in the evening). The work is top-quality too.

Don't think you have said if you enjoy your job, but if you do it would be a shame to jack it all in because of the nature of your firm. Transactional work at top city firm is an extreme end of the spectrum, there are a number of other options for achieving the balance if that's what you would prefer.

On the other hand, if you would like to be SAHM, that's a different matter- go for it! You are lucky not to have the financial constraints that remove the choice for a lot of us!

I didn't go back - was a european sales director for electronic company and DH still in similar role - and although sometimes missed the mental stimulation have no regrets.....

DS is now 6 and DD about to start school full time in September so in the past 6 years have

...set up 3 new businesses based around the family
...worked as a Phoenix trader selling wonderful cards
.... worked as a part time sports coach

Am now thinking about going back into a full time regional sales managers role which will be home based but just working in a set territory so no european travel....Am quite excited about the prospect TBH...I think you'll be really surprised at what other opportunities are available once you've made the decision to change direction.....

I'm lucky enough to be a part time (20 hrs pwk) lawyer and never work in the evenings or weekends.

High street divorce/family specialist.

The main good thing is I earn almost as much as if I was full time, because of course it's based on billings, and if you get yuor head down you can easily do 7.5 billable hours in 5 hrs.

Well, for example,if I get one letter in and then write 3 letters out (one to client, one to other side & one to court), each of those is billable as one unit (24 mins work) but I actually spend about 5 mins dictating a holding letter to the other side, a copy of their letter to the client asking them to make an appt, and one to the court warning them that we may need an adjournment.

Voila, 5 mins actual work, 24 mins billable.