Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

DH thinks i'm selfish going back to work 3 days a week

34 replies

emmajlh · 28/05/2007 10:06

When i go back to work in september i'll have had 11 months off work. I'd like to go back 3 days a week as that feels like the right balance, plus we can afford it. However my DH would prefer me to go back 4 days and thinks i'm being selfish to go back less having had a year off and that our DD 'will be fine at nursery'. i'm sure she will but that is not the point, i want to be her main carer i'm her mum!

would appreciate any advice from people who had similar experience!

OP posts:
Dottydot · 28/05/2007 10:10

I think if you can afford it, you should do what makes you feel happy and comfortable - but it should also make your dh feel happy and comfortable too. So why is he saying what he's saying - is he jealous that you've had 11 months off and then will still get to spend 4 day a week with your dd? If so, is there any way he could cut down to 4 days a week and you could both do a 4 day week and your dd still go to nursery part-time? Maybe he'd like to be a bit of a SAHD as well?

edam · 28/05/2007 10:13

I think it's your career so you decide. Obviously as a family you discuss it, but in the end it's your choice. Do it, he'll come round. It's not set in stone, tell your dh if it doesn't work out you can all reassess (but personally I'd be thinking, tough, my job, my baby, my choice). Three days a week means dd spends more time with her family than she does in day care which a lot of people would prefer if they had the chance.

Is he at all jealous that you'll be spending more time with dd than he is?

I don't necessarily approve of Steve Biddulph, but if you google him you'll find his views that full-time nursery isn't great for under-2s - you could put that under dh's nose if he needs convincing. (I'm not convinced but in your circs. I'd use it as ammunition).

Katymac · 28/05/2007 10:16

I think DottyDot has the right idea

rookiemum · 28/05/2007 10:57

My DH was happy as long as I was about what days I worked. I don't think a lot of men quite get the idea that its important to spend time with your child.

When DH was between jobs he insisted on putting DS into the childminder most of the time rather than looking after him himself because the CM was so much better at looking after DS than he was !

I'd love to be able to work 3 days a week and if your work can accomodate it then I think you should go for it. Its a lot easier to increase your hours once back than it is to reduce them.

Original poster
emmajlh · 28/05/2007 11:00

Yes i think DH has been a little jealous that i've had 11 months off, who wouldn't i guess. I also think he'd rather not 'scale back' as much as i'm happy to. Him dropping a day hasn't been discussed but i'll mention it thanks Dottydot.

Thanks for all your comments - am working on a for and against list, so glad of all the annunition!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/05/2007 11:05

Ahem...can I just point out, you havent had 11 months off...you have been spending the best part of the first year of child's life, nurturing and caring for your (as in yours and your DH's) child.

Thats not "time off". Not in my book.

I appreciate that he may want to share some of the parental responsibility, but, how is wanting to look after your child yourself, over and above a staff member at nursery being selfish? [boggles]

rowan1971 · 28/05/2007 11:05

You haven't had 11 months 'off'!

Last time I checked, looking after a small baby and running a house was quite a lot of work.

Tsk.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/05/2007 11:05

amazingly timed x post rowan

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 28/05/2007 11:05

Sorry I think he's being selfish for putting his resentment above the welfare of his wife and child. If this is what's best for you (and therefore your child) he should be supportive of it. But as someone else said, if he's feeling resentful about you getting "time off" (??? Hello? You've been looking after a baby!!!) why not suggest that if he wants you to do 4 days, then he should go down to 4 days too, and that way you both have one full day a week alone with your DD.

rowan1971 · 28/05/2007 11:05

Look at that, VVV - same time and everything!

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 28/05/2007 11:06

Oops, crossed with the others!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/05/2007 11:06

Its looking like a pretty good general consensus then, rowan and cali

rowan1971 · 28/05/2007 11:07

Do you think Emma knows now that she hasn't had any time off?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/05/2007 11:07

Perhaps he'd like to hire a cleaner at the same time?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/05/2007 11:10

ROFL

Motherhood (with my first that is ) didnt seem like "work" in the general sense, but ultimately, it was. Its not easy, there is never 'time off' because you are always on duty/call.

rowan1971 · 28/05/2007 11:12

My DP was foolish enough (once, and once only) to suggest that he had more right to the puny amount of disposable income that we have because he 'works' and I 'don't'(SAHM). I researched the costs of 24-hour-a-day childcare, a 5-day-a-week cleaner and an occasional escort girl, and presented him with an invoice for 50 per cent of the total amount.

Original poster
emmajlh · 28/05/2007 11:13

thanks Mnetters! You're all quite right, whilst i haven't been 'at my paid employment' i have worked harder this year than in any job i've had in my life. I think it comes down to money for DH. his job isn't 100% secure, (though hopefully that will change in july) so he has concerns over that, whereas my job is more secure. The thing is we have managed to save a nice 'buffer' in the bank to manage if one of us was out of a job for 6 months.

OP posts:
tribpot · 28/05/2007 11:13

If your dh is jealous of your time 'off' I suggest you leave him with dd for an entire Saturday and he may be singing a different tune by the time you get back!

Three days a week sounds like a good compromise to me between home and work. Four days a week for each of you, even more so. My ds has really benefited from having daddy at home (he's a part-time SAHD).

InTheHouse · 28/05/2007 11:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Judy1234 · 28/05/2007 11:58

You need to sort it out with him. What if he wante to work 3 days a week. Would you be happy with that? May be you could each work 4 days a week so you have the total of 8 days a week between you.

There's an argument that not going back full time and pursuing a career which best helps the family is selfish too. Basically you and he have to sort it out. We both always worked full tiem and that's worked out fine.

When we get 6 months maternity and 6 months paternity leave in 2009 it's going to be fun seeing husbands and wives fighting to stay home or go to work.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 28/05/2007 12:05

Yes there's that argument Xenia and you're vociferous in promoting it, but it's not actually relevant to emma's individual circumstances.

InTheHouse · 28/05/2007 12:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Judy1234 · 28/05/2007 12:09

I repeatedly get it wrong so I'm not the best person to ask. The DTI web site is best. I think it is 9 months now since April for women although only the first 6 weeks is 90% pay so unless you earn abotu £112 a week it's really only 6 weeks, isn't it?

The plan was from 2009 to make it 12 months and let men take 6 months if they and their wives choose but the 2009 date may go forward. Employers aren't exactly enthusiastic and as someone who has had 2 nannies off on maternity leave I know the complexity of it from both sides.

herbgarden · 28/05/2007 12:20

I've just had nearly 10 months "off" (ha ha) looking after our first child and have just gone back doing a jobshare working 2/3 days a week. We too can afford it (although I think you afford what you want to so some might think we can't afford it) and my days "off" are spent washing, cooking food for dh and ds so that we still eat well, food shopping or organising the delivery of the bulk food shopping, doing domestic admin etc etc, tidying up (we do have a cleaner) booking our holidays, sorting out weekends and then a couple of outings with our ds...I think my dh has found it hard to understand that my job is full on when I'm there and then the days I have "off" I am on call again all day with an increasingly demanding 10 month old who I fit the "chores" around. I know that deep down he does appreciate me and what I contribute to the house and also likes the fact that our ds is getting time from me in the week but I do feel more knackered now .... That said, the balance is really good for us as a family and I feel it is working well. DS loves nursery, I love going to work again (but really would find more than 3 days hard ) and I love my days off with him when we pootle around together.

I would discuss with dh what you see yourself doing on those days "off" - and perhaps agree what you will and won't do so that the resentment doesn't build up I do try to get the adminy things out the way in the week so there's less arguing at the weekends - We also still give each other a lie in and give each other time out alone at the weekends which allows both of us to do something without ds.....I suppose I see my days off as time to get out the way the domestic chores plus time with ds (didn't do much more on mat leave) so things haven't changed much other than they are packed into 2/3 days rather than 5 !!

Goodluck

herbgarden · 28/05/2007 12:31

I've just had nearly 10 months "off" (ha ha) looking after our first child and have just gone back doing a jobshare working 2/3 days a week. We too can afford it (although I think you afford what you want to so some might think we can't afford it) and my days "off" are spent washing, cooking food for dh and ds so that we still eat well, food shopping or organising the delivery of the bulk food shopping, doing domestic admin etc etc, tidying up (we do have a cleaner) booking our holidays, sorting out weekends and then a couple of outings with our ds...I think my dh has found it hard to understand that my job is full on when I'm there and then the days I have "off" I am on call again all day with an increasingly demanding 10 month old who I fit the "chores" around. I know that deep down he does appreciate me and what I contribute to the house and also likes the fact that our ds is getting time from me in the week but I do feel more knackered now .... That said, the balance is really good for us as a family and I feel it is working well. DS loves nursery, I love going to work again (but really would find more than 3 days hard ) and I love my days off with him when we pootle around together.

I would discuss with dh what you see yourself doing on those days "off" - and perhaps agree what you will and won't do so that the resentment doesn't build up I do try to get the adminy things out the way in the week so there's less arguing at the weekends - We also still give each other a lie in and give each other time out alone at the weekends which allows both of us to do something without ds.....I suppose I see my days off as time to get out the way the domestic chores plus time with ds (didn't do much more on mat leave) so things haven't changed much other than they are packed into 2/3 days rather than 5 !!

Goodluck