DH thinks i'm selfish going back to work 3 days a week

[emmajlh]

When i go back to work in september i'll have had 11 months off work. I'd like to go back 3 days a week as that feels like the right balance, plus we can afford it. However my DH would prefer me to go back 4 days and thinks i'm being selfish to go back less having had a year off and that our DD 'will be fine at nursery'. i'm sure she will but that is not the point, i want to be her main carer i'm her mum!

would appreciate any advice from people who had similar experience!

You will still be her main carer even if you work 4 days a week ! Think of all the evenings,nights,early mornings and weekends...not to mention holidays,time when she is sick etc...See what I mean ? don't worry you will still spend more time with your daughter than anyone else. And it may mean that you settle back into your career quicker if you can be seen as a ' nearly full time worker '...why not try th e4 days and see how you go ?
Good Luck with your returmn to work[ smile]

Does your DH have a good reason he would prefer you to go back 4 days rather than 3? Maybe his idea of what you can afford is different to yours, e.g. in terms of long-term planning rather than day-to-day for the next few months.

I think 3 days a week sounds great, but I would be interested in why your DH thinks you are being selfish. I know for many Dh's I know, their wives going part-time would out more pressure on them to work longer hours. I disagee with other posters here who thinks its your choice. I think its something you need to work out between you.

Emma - I work full time and even though we could afford for me to stay at home my DP is very bitter about it so wants me to work!! I work as Legal sec so earn an average wage but over half my salary goes on full time care for my DD. I have a few debts to pay from before I was pregnant and DP pays all the mortgage and bills so I can't really complain but it is something that you have to work out between you as other people have said. My DP also use to say to me that I had "7 months off" when I was on maternity leave. I dont think some men understand what is involved!!

Fairymum,You're right that this is a joint issue - I also disagree with the posters who say this is 'your choice'. A child has two parents, and both should be involved in decisions about raising them. There's a temptation amongst a few mothers to be rather dismissive of the father's role - as it they should just be straight back to work full stop.Maybe some father's DO want the chance to maybe cut down their working hours a bit. Certainly if i were in a position where we needed to work 8 days between us,I'd far rather my partner and i did 4 days each and one day each with the child than one of us doing 5 and the other 3. Sounds like win win for mum, dad and child. Xenia's point is interesting - when we gain extended parental leave,hopefully this will give more families the chance to really equalise things more.

Emma, my dp felt the same way really when I wanted to go back 3 days. He didn't really see that it was valuable for ds1 to be with me rather than at nursery & nothing I could say really persuaded him until he saw how happy ds1 was with me, once he started talking etc. He thought nursery would be the same care as at home with me - now I am not decrying nurseries or cm's at all, but I think babies are happiest with their parents all in all. I seem to remember dp saying ds would be fine at nursery too.

I did go back 3 days though, I just decided it was a battle worth winning for ds's sake & we could afford it. Now, I'd read the Steve Biddulph book (Raising Babies) out to him as dottydot suggested earlier. You might not persuade him of your reasons now, but he'll see in the long run - my dp has completely changed his opinion now. Good luck!

I thin kyour DH has a point. You say "we can afford it" but is that how he sees it? Perhaps he doesn't want the whole families quality of life to suffer. Or maybe he doesn't understand how important it is to you to stay home? Or perhaps he wants to stay home one day a week with the kid(s), in which case he should explore that option.

One thing tht hasn't been pointed out that you might want to consider is that when you go back, if you change your mind, it will probably be easier to go from 3 days to 4 than it will to go from 4 days to 3. So, going back 3 days will more likely still give you the option to change your mind.

If the tables were turned in my house and my husband said he was scaling back his work (for a pay cut), I'd tell him he was Fing crazy and he had children to support and he'd better get his lazt arse to work. Now, my DH has no SAHD tendancies so this isn't going to happen. But how would you feel if you had to workk harder and longer to make up for him staying home?

I agree that it should be a joint decision and you should try and agree something that you are both comfortable with.

We have 2 dd's and I used to work part time, when I was made redundant last year I found a full time job and dh changed his job to allow him to spend more time with dd's.

I can understand your dh resenting the fact that you get to work 3 days, but he has to work full-time, maybe 4 days each or similar would be the solution.

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