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Original poster

Paternity Leave - did your husband take it and what did he do with HIS "time off" ?

34 replies

Grrrr · 22/05/2007 08:58

Following on from the "is maternity leave sexist" thread,

My dh took the 2 weeks paternity leave but subconsciously seemed to be under the impression that it was some sort of holiday time in celebration of him becoming a father (again).

He considered it to be his time and was irritated that he didn't get done what he had planned to do because I wanted him to come to the hospital each morning (was in 5 days after c-section) and look after baby whilst I showered etc. The second week he was still irritated that he couldn't go to IKEA for the day (it's over an hour a way and he wants to look at everything when we usually go) because I wanted a bit of help with stuff and there was ds1 to look after (he refused to take ds1 with him to IKEA).
He met friends for lunch at least twice that I know of and when really pressed he announced he had brought some work home with him that he needed to do before he went back to work.

Do I win for the least sympathetic/helpful use of paternity leave ?

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 22/05/2007 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saralou100 · 22/05/2007 09:13

dp spent his 2 weeks off after ds1, playing on the computer and going out drinking with friends (he 'wet the babys head' about 10 times!!)

no help, no support, nothing!

ds2 was a shock to his sytem asi had c-section and he had to help! he redeemed himself!!

nogoes · 22/05/2007 09:14

Dh took 2 weeks holiday he didn't take the statutory paternity leave because we could not afford for him to be off with little pay. Dh was really helpful and did loads.

themildmanneredjanitor · 22/05/2007 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourJays · 22/05/2007 09:22

I remember sitting in bed after DS2 was a day old and asking DH to puit a load of washing on.
He just looked at me and said "I'm here to look after DS1 not you!"
My mum was there to "look after me" too but I still managed to do all the laundry and tidying up for two whole weeks. It was easier when they both went back to their normal lives!!!

oliveoil · 22/05/2007 09:23

dd1 - had about 2 weeks off
dd2 - same

hands on dad, cooking and cleaning etc, I was b/f so he was let off the night feeds!

he runs his own business with his dad though so can take more time off as and when

I remember when dd2 was born, he would phone and tentatively say "how are you doing?" and I would sob "okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" he would finish early and come and rescue me

to those of you who have dh's that don't help out, you need to sort them out, no way I would stand for any of that nonsense, no siree

goingfor3 · 22/05/2007 09:26

DP had three weeks off with both girls. With DD1 I was ready for him to go back after about 2 as I just wanted sometime to myself. With DD2 it was great having him at home as he spent his whole time looking after DD!, taking her swimming , to the park etc. DD1 really missed him when he went back to work.

indignatio · 22/05/2007 09:29

Same as nogoes, but as ds slept for most of his first two weeks, he also had time to dig a pond in the garden - the midwives were most impressed (NOT)

LilRedWG · 22/05/2007 09:36

Agree with Olive - men like this annoy me!

DH took two weeks paternity and two weeks holiday, so four weeks in all. He knew from the get-go that he'd be looking after both of us, as I had severe SPD and a CS.

He came to the hospital all day every day whilst we were in (six days) and changed nappies, gave DD first bath etc. When we were home he got up with me at every feed and bottle fed DD whilst I expressed the next feed (DD refused point blank to BF).

He was and is a star and I appreciate him all the more for knowing that he is sadly unusual.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 22/05/2007 09:49

My dh was fantastically helpful as usual when he was actually here, but he kept having to go in to work to sort things out
He managed to persuade the department where he lectures to pay for a research student to cover some of his lectures, but it was frankly more work briefing the student than it would have been just giving the lectures himself.

In retrospect I would have preferred it if he hadn't taken the leave, because that would have made the point that he was not getting properly covered - as it is his department was having it both ways, making out that they were family friendly but actually not being.

The only person who actually benefitted was his research student who got to do some lectures to put on his cv.

slug · 22/05/2007 09:51

Dh was given 3 days paternity leave when dd was born in 2001. This was then generously extended to 5 days by his employers who, being a world famous children's hospital, should have known the stress involved in having a newborn in intensive care

I have no idea how he spent them, I was in hospital the whole time, as was dd. I do know however, that I spent the first two hours after finally coming home tidying, putting on washing and doing the dishes.

appledumpling · 22/05/2007 10:14

DH took 2 weeks paternity and 1 week holiday. He was (and is) very good when I ask him to do something but if I didn't ask eg. can I have a drink/toast, can you do dinner/the washing up/put a load of washing on it didn't happen. He spent a lot of time fixing his dad's PC until I got cross with him and then he got the hump. Bless him...

Original poster
Grrrr · 22/05/2007 10:20

I made it quite clear at the time in quietly hissed conversations when he did finally show up each day at hospital, that it was not fair that all the other fathers had been there since about 9.30 so their wives/partners could have an unhurried shower in peace. It just seems to go over his head.

To be fair he was better the first time around with ds1 and I knew when I married him that he wasn't the kind of person who is particularly "sensitive".

I would concede to saralou because her dp played computer games and went out drinking lots but it seems he got better with the second baby.

OP posts:
saralou100 · 22/05/2007 10:59

why thankyou

i would like to thank dp for being a useles fuckwit, selflessly sitting on his arse allowing me this moment of glory

MissGolightly · 22/05/2007 11:05

at these awful men! The best thing about the antenatal classes I went to was the instructor kept repeating "a woman who has just given birth should be treated like a queen for at least 2 weeks, you are not to let her do any housework or cooking, she needs this time to bond with the baby and establish breast-feeding".

Evidently the mantra stuck because DP was wonderful (although he did manage to get quite a lot of playing on the computer done). And he did keep making me do things because he thought it would be good for me to get out of the house - whereas in fact I just wanted to collapse with exhaustion on the sofa any time DS wasn't feeding!

Anna8888 · 22/05/2007 11:09

My sister told me last weekend about a man she knows in the Netherlands who took several months' paternity leave and spent the whole time doing a work-related course to boost his career prospects.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 22/05/2007 11:10

"And he did keep making me do things because he thought it would be good for me to get out of the house"

Mine was a bit like that, MissGolightly.
He got very worried about me being stuck at home all day but actually I was adoring all the nesting/daytime tv thing.

dionnelorraine · 22/05/2007 11:13

My dh took two weeks paternity leave. He was great. I had an epidural so had a very painful back for a few weeks which slowed me down. He did all the housework for me, cooking, took dogs out, shopping etc.. And he was a fab dad from the start. He helped me to settle dd when she couldnt sleep, he changed her 1st nappie! (venflon in my hand, was very swollen)and lots more nappies. I couldnt fault him for a second! He still is a fantastic husband and father! He has his moments of being a 'bloke' but I nip it in the bud quick enough with my giant thumb!!!!

he,he

themoon66 · 22/05/2007 11:13

DH's boss at the time said 'well I'll let you attend the labour... but only as long as she doesn't have any false alarms'

I was in labour for 22 hours with DD, who was born at 7.30am. Poor DH then had to go to a sales call over in Liverpool, 3 hours drive away

dionnelorraine · 22/05/2007 11:14

Thats awful!!!

hannahsaunt · 22/05/2007 11:16

Dh had 3 days PL in 2000 when ds1 was born. The consultant he was working under organised it in a flurry and having no children of her own arranged it so that he was off for the three days whilst I was still in hospital and he spent most of it sleeping as he had found the whole experience quite tiring (and he was only there for the last hour of the delivery!).

Did a bit better second time round and hoping for great things this time.

barbamama · 22/05/2007 11:20

Mine took 2 weeks at crap statutory pay and bumbled around in sleep deprived chaos in awe of the screaming power of our newborn son, frantically trying to work out what the hell we were supposed to be doing with him, just like me. I spent the first week screaming at him when he failed to know which bit of equipment did what (took him that long to remember what the muslin cloth was) with much mutual swearing anmd name-calling at trying to get the pushchair up, steriliser to work etc etc. He did cook me a few meals which was useful as I was ravenous and in no fit state.

This time he will take 2 weeks again and, seeing as we have learnt from all our mistakes last time, it will pass in a haze of peaceful tranquility, lovely home cooked food and getting to know our lovely new baby without a houseful of people the whole time. Yeah right!

This time I think he will mainly be in charge of childcare of ds1 and taking him to nursery, amusing him while I feed the baby etc.

On balance, it is worth having them around, though by the end I did feel like I wanted him to go back to work so I could get myself organised and try and get some sort of routine going, rather than the random chaos that he favours, bless him.

DontCallMeBaby · 22/05/2007 11:30

Mine was off for six weeks in total - two weeks paternity leave on full pay (I love my/our employer, sometimes) and the remainder on a sick note signed by my GP for 'stress' as I had fairly bad PND and was liable to do someone a mischief (love my GP ALL the time). It was very good to have him around, as I couldn't bear to be alone with DD Other than that I don't remember what he spent his time doing - useful stuff, certainly, not going off drinking or doing DIY (over-commitment to DIY NOT one of his faults). The only thing that annoyed me was that he would not cook, or go to Sainsburys and stock up on ready meals, but neither would he resign himself to living off toast (which was my plan). So I had to cook, which was the last thing in the world I felt like doing. Small price though.

The advantage now is that he has an even clearer memory than I do of the difficult early months, and is on board with the 'one child' plan. The problem will be if I ever change my mind, I don't think he'd be up for another!

americantrish · 22/05/2007 11:34

my dh took 2 weeks paternity leave and 1 week holiday time when ds was born.
he helped around the house, looked after me and any company that came around. he didn't get bored or irritated with me and my moaning about being tired and struggling with breastfeeding...

Budababe · 22/05/2007 11:50

Mine was off for 2 weeks and did all the washing, shopping, cooking etc. Breastfeeding didn't work so he also did all the washing/making bottles etc.

We were staying in my sister's house as were in transit from leaving Vietnam and moving to Bulgaria. Sis and her then BF both moved back to respective mothers so we had house to ourselves which was lovely.

In fact the day he left to go back to Bulgaria he had to show me how to make the bottles!

All I had to do was concentrate on DS and getting some rest. Then I moved back to my Mum's for 4 weeks before moving to Bulgaria and again just had to sort DS out as parents did everything else.

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