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Original poster

"Daddys work, and Mummys stay at home and look after the children..."

39 replies

emkana · 06/08/2004 20:01

So says my three-year-old dd. She would say that - I'm a SAHM, and so are all my friends... Does that mean she'll grow up to be a Stepford Wife now, or a militant feminist, pitying the ruined life of her poor mother?

OP posts:

enid · 06/08/2004 20:25

When I started work (part time), I told dd1 I had to get ready for work. She laughed and laughed and said 'don't be silly mummy, mummies don't work! They need to drink tea all day!"

princesspeahead · 06/08/2004 20:31

hmmmmmm. is that really the choice? stepford wife or militant feminist? rather like classifying women as either madonnas or whores don't you think? if I didn't know you were a woman who is trying to be witty, I'd think you were a misogynist...

sorry to be brutal but this thread has depressed me

lavender1 · 06/08/2004 21:00

when the kids are under school age what is so wrong with that, does them the world of good!

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 21:31

Sorry, pph, that my wittiness is not up to scratch!
Feel rather sad now that you felt the need to put me down like that... I was only trying to be light-hearted, in a "The things kids say" kind of way, but hey, maybe I shouldn't have...

OP posts:

prettycandles · 06/08/2004 21:32

I tell my children that people work in all sorts of different places: Daddy goes out of the house to work in an office, but Mummy stays at home to work looking after ds and dd. He is intrigued by the fact that his mummy has had 'two' jobs - one in the home and one out of the home before he and dd were born.

I have no problem with my children seeing a mother's primary role as looking after the children, as long as that is a valued role and regarded as a proper job - just as if I was paid!

hercules · 06/08/2004 21:33

I work but am not a militant feminist. Def all for equality and want the example of both parents working for my children.

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 21:37

Just for the record:
Of course I DON'T think that SAHM = Stepford Wife
or working mother = militant feminist...
for goodness sake, I wish I'd never started this thread now...
am not very good at being funny, must be because I'm German...
(See, I'm a misogynist and a racist...)

OP posts:

nutcracker · 06/08/2004 21:40

When i went back to college my Dd1 (then 5)asked me why i was going to college. I said, so i can go to uni and get a good job.

She started to cry and said 'but if you go to work, who will be our mommy'.

The thought that i should work had just never ever entered her head.

kalex · 06/08/2004 21:41

Emkana, I got that you were being funny, just for the record. I often say things that people totally misinterpret

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 21:42

Thanks, kalex.

OP posts:

hercules · 06/08/2004 21:43

REalise that Emkana. I do thinkit is a good discussion though and very interesting how we influence our childrens view of the male/female roles.

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 21:45

It wasn't meant to be a discussion...
but maybe it can be turned into a good one?
What do you mean it's not a good discussion?
I certainly don't want my daughters to grow up believing that a woman is in any way limited in her dreams and aspirations, but as she is only three years old at the moment maybe there is some hope left? Regardless of my work status...

OP posts:

moominmama86 · 06/08/2004 21:46

I got it, emkana, and actually think you have made a good point, even jokingly. Pph, no offence, but lighten up

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 21:47

Sorry, hercules, just re-read your post and saw that you wrote it is a good discussion...

OP posts:

bran · 06/08/2004 21:47

I didn't think there was anything misogynistic about your post emkana. It's human nature to divide the world into two categories even though we know that real life is much more complicated. We hear it all the time and it doesn't even register until it's a topic that we feel strongly about, and then the two category thing can really hit a nerve.

What sort of area do you live in? It does seem strange (unusual strange, not bad strange) to me that all your friends are SAHM, but then I'm in London perhaps the suburbs or domitory towns or whatever are different.

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 21:50

I live in Gloucester.
I think it's because I met all my friends that dd1 sees on a day-to-day basis through toddler groups etc., and in those places you're more likely to meet other SAHM's...
Have other friends who work, but if full-time I see them in the evening when dd is asleep, or if part-time then dd doesn't realize that they work.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 06/08/2004 22:01

I figured it was just light hearted too, so don't worry

Children have a great way with words and phrases don't they?

edam · 06/08/2004 22:04

I did think you were funny, Emkana .

I don't have a problem with children of SAHMs thinking their mother's primary role is childcare. (Actually my primary role is motherhood too, it's the most important thing I am even though I work).
But I would have a problem if they were encouraged to apply that to every woman, or not corrected when they do.

My mother tells me she was happy for us to call our childminder 'mummy' occasionally because she understood us to be using it as a job title, in that instance. We knew our mummy was our mummy, but our childminder was a mummy (used to bring her little boy along) doing mummy things. And did them so well that she's still part of our family now, 32 years later... but that's another story.

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 23:12

Had another think about this.
As my daughters grow up, I want them to see me as a woman who is (mostly) happy and content with the choices she made. If that choice is to be a "homemaker" (hate that word!), then I don't want to have to feel guilty for that. I will point out other choices in other women and encourage them to make their own choices, but I won't be something/do something I don't want just to be a "working woman" role model for my children. I love being a SAHM, every minute of it, and that's the main thing!

OP posts:

edam · 06/08/2004 23:17

Quite right too!

enid · 06/08/2004 23:18

Well my children thought it was utterly s*e of me to go back to work. But I didn't care...because it made MY life so much better and gave me an ENORMOUS amount of confidence back...if my daughters judge me in years to come, I can take it on the chin, because NO-ONE can possibly know what it takes to make someone fulfilled and happy...I love my girls, nothing could be as wonderful as they are - BUT I am proud to help teach them that a mother can be a worker/campaigner/carer - not just for them, but for others too...

Original poster

emkana · 06/08/2004 23:22

Exactly my point, enid - each to their own, we have to make sure we're happy and fulfilled and teach our daughters that's that what they should strive for...
Do you mean to imply that it's self-centred, as in not caring for others apart from your own children, if you're a SAHM, or am I being oversensitive here?

OP posts:

Beetroot · 06/08/2004 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

enid · 06/08/2004 23:50

ooh emkana - I found being a mother quite overwhelming. but then when I was ready, I found that I had unlocked a whole new part of me that could campaign/care for others as well as my own children...a kind of power I suppose...that is the part that I want to teach my children about, what you learn about yourself when you become a mother and how wonderful it is

Jimjams · 07/08/2004 10:57

RFL that made me smile. Enid - dh used to think I drank tea all day (I kind of did when ds1 was a baby I think). Now he solemnly tells everyone that he couldn't do what I do (and he couldn't!).

Went out to dinner with a bunch of lawyers last week and one of them (young, pretty ambitious, very bright) asked if I stayed home wth the boys - and was very impressed that I did. First genuine interest I've seen. Mind you he has an autistic brother so maybe he understands a bit more than most!

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