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Original poster

Back to work on Monday and feel like I am damaging DD

31 replies

ArtichokeTagine · 10/05/2007 14:36

My career has always been by "thing". When I got pregnant I could not imagine being a SAHM and opted for just 6 months maternity. Then I had DD and have loved every minute of my maternity leave. I extended it and DD is now nearly 9 months but I have to go back on Monday. DD is a lovely, happy little thing but very mummy orientated. She is quite clingy and prefers to have me in her sight at all times. Even Daddy is second best.

She did her first settling in morning at nursery today and when I came to collect her she ws red eyed and tear stained. It broke my heart. She had not even had to eat or sleep which are going to be the two big nursery challenges. I know this is not what is best for her. What would be best is having me at home for longer. But to do that I would effectively have to sacrifice my career and I am not sure I am ready to do that.

I am not sure why I am writing this all down. I have to go back and DD will survive at nursery. I just feel so cruel and I have a niggling feeling that this might really effect her happy little personality long term.

OP posts:

Iklboo · 10/05/2007 14:38

Is part time an option?
I work full time now and the sight of DS's little face lighting up when he sees me coming home is THE best patr of the day. Especially when he runs up now shouting "cuggle, cuggle!"

Mumpbump · 10/05/2007 14:39

Dd will settle in, but it takes time. We started ds doing two morning a week about a month before I went back to work and I was really glad that we both had that time to get used to it.

He is so happy there now. I dropped him off this morning and he went straight to the colouring-in table, climbed into a chair and didn't look at me again! They get so much stimulation - possibly too much - and social interaction. When I go on maternity leave in October, ds will carry on going for 2 days a week, primarily for his benefit rather than mine... It will get better!

Original poster

ArtichokeTagine · 10/05/2007 14:41

I am starting back 3 days a week. But those will be long days (9am to 6pm, with commute 8am to 7pm).

I wish I had settled her in earlier like you MumpBump.

OP posts:

chocolatekimmy · 10/05/2007 14:54

Its hard with the first but she will adapt as children are very resiliant. She will gain in many different ways by being in a nursery and then have the benefit of you the rest of the time.

There are man pro's for you working too, self esteem, feeling valued, keeping your mind active, keeping up with the career after possibly years of training and working hard, money, equality with partner, social aspect etc

You are not cruel in any way, its just hard (more so on you) at first.

Pamina · 10/05/2007 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quietmouse · 10/05/2007 15:06

will she be at nursery for the whole time? Could you break up her day a little, maybe have a childminder/nanny pick her up earlier?

Original poster

ArtichokeTagine · 10/05/2007 15:15

DH will drop her off at 9.15am and pick her up at 5.45pm as he works closer.

My rational mind knows that you are all right and it will be fine. Its just that she looked so sad when I picked her up and I was watching the other babies and most of them were just amusing themselves in various corners. They all looked so grown up and DD looked so lost hugging her toy giraffe and crying . I guess I have spent every moment of the last 9 months teaching her that I am there for her and now I feel like I am going to undermine that and shatter her little world .

OP posts:

quietmouse · 10/05/2007 15:20

those hours aren't so bad. She will be fine. It's only 3 days, remember.

I am currently looking after a 8 mth old, 5 days a week, 9 1/2 hours a day and I find the last hour is a long one for us both.... (5pm-6pm)

You are going back at a stage when she will have some seperation anxiety, 9 mths is the classic time, but she will come through it, it's a phase, until she gets used to the place.

Don't beat yourself up about it, honestly.

quietmouse · 10/05/2007 15:21

sorry - I thought you were picking her up at 4.45pm.... but she is still having quite a nice late start at 9.15am!

TJRS · 10/05/2007 22:35

I have four kids and have worked part time throughout. I work with many women who have come back from maternity leave. Just for the first month don't think about it, just do it. Don't let yourself dwell on it, try very hard not to cry, wear dark glasses on the train and distract yourself hard. At the end of the month you will very likely find that you're fine, baby is fine and that you can do what seemed impossible at the beginning of the month. The trick is to give it a go headlong without hesitation and then review the situation when everything is more established. Only then will you have some experience and perspective to enable you to see whether this is working or not. Be good and kind to yourself and give yourself permission to enjoy work when you're there. The very best of luck - let us know how you're getting on soon.

Original poster

ArtichokeTagine · 11/05/2007 11:48

Thanks for the advice QM and TJRS. I dropped her off this morning for a 4 hour settling-in session and she smiled and waved at the carers as we arrived. Then she realised I was going and screamed and screamed. I am not bck at work 'til Monday so I distracted myself by going for a coffee and cake. For months I have longed for an hour with a paper and coffee and cake but I did not enjoy it at all . I called DH at work and he has now called back 3 times to see if she recovered. I do not know as I am not due back 'til 2pm. I guess not having heard from them is a good sign. I think it is a good tip to not think about it for a month. Any thought is bound to make me feel worse at this stage.

OP posts:

FeelingaBitLessOldnGrey · 11/05/2007 11:57

My DD has been in nursery for one or two days a week for the last 3 months. I had to return to work also. I had exactly the same concerns as you, and posted a thread for some support too.

DD did not eat any food, or sleep for about 3 weeks. Then she started to sleep, but no food. Then she started to eat and sleep.

Now, she eats and sleeps there fine, and when I leave her in the morning she sometimes cries, but stops as soon as I leave her, and more often than not now she is happy to be left. Wednesday this week I put her on the floor with some building blocks and two other babies. She was waving the blocks and laughing at the other babies, and was not at all bothered when I said goodbye and left.
I used to cry after I left her, and would call often in the day to see how she was. The nursery promised I would be called if she was inconsolable. She never was.
When I called to see how she was, she was in a great mood, had slept and took a bottle, and had a snack. When I collected her she was busy playing with toys and was very pleased to see me but looked content. It has not in any way affected her behaviour in a negative way, in fact I would say she enjoys it there. She is still the happy content little baby and still needs her mummy but has fun at nursery.

Please dont feel you are damaging her. She will get to enjoy it in time, and it will be good for her. She will learn some independence, play with other children, do things she would not do at home, develop great social skills, be able to be looked after by people other than mummy and daddy. It will give you the chance to continue working which you will be pleased about in the long run, esp if you are career minded.

It will take some time. But she will settle and be happy there, and at home

Sunyshineymummy · 11/05/2007 11:59

My DS goes to nursery f-t and he loves it. He's absolutely thrived since he started and is such a sociable little thing. I agree with Ikboo - the very best bit of my day is picking him up and watching him run across nursery with his arms out to be cuddled. It's tought at first but it gets better.

FeelingaBitLessOldnGrey · 11/05/2007 12:00

She is 10 months old btw.

GameGirly · 11/05/2007 12:08

As others of said, she will be absolutely fine. You're not damaging her in any way. Most nurseries are lovely warm, caring places and she will eventually settle down, but it will take a little while for you both to adjust to your new environment and routine. Please don't feel guilty. Go back to work and see how you get on. If in 6 months' time it doesn't seem to suit you or the life you want to lead, then perhaps you can have a rethink? But please, please don't feel bad about it. Your DD will I'm sure thrive at the nursery, she will make friends and have all sorts of new experiences. And don't forget the old SAHM-WOHM argument: you can't win that one whatever you do!
Anyway, you're a woman, you're allowed to change your mind! So if this new chapter doesn't suit, you CAN change it. But give it a go. Go back on Monday, enjoy your work and the interaction with your colleagues, then spend some time enjoying your DD in the evening. The first few days will be horrible - I certainly couldn't leave my LOs at the nursery for the first few days so DH took them instead, and I still cried on my way into work, and on a couple of occasions at my desk (I am famous for my crying, so no-one was surprised!). At the end of the day, a happy mummy will mean a happy baby, so if work makes you happy, then do it. I have always worked full time, for a number of reasons. My "LOs" are now rather bigger, aged 12 and 9, but they are both polite, loving, sociable, well-adjusted children, despite having spent their early years at nursery. Good luck!

detoxdiva · 11/05/2007 12:19

I am sure she will be fine. I returned to work last month after 14 months at home with dd. She was booked into nursery for 2 full days.

It took a while for her to settle - I just left her for an hour at a time at first, building up gradually until she did 9-12.30 and stopped for lunch after a 2 weeks (told you it took a while!!)

I thought she would never settle there, but the staff are fantastic and reassured me they see this all the time!

She now practically runs in, and waves me goodbye in the morning! She sometimes has a little cry when I drop er off but this stops as soon as I go, and I love watching her through the window playing with her friends!

It has been so good for her to mix with other children of the same age, and she is developing skills that she wouldn't have done at home with me.

I was worried about her sleeping, but she often has her usual 2 hours there. Again it took a while as it was a new place, but she takes her snuggly toy and her keyworker sits with her and pats her tummy to settle her in her cot if she needs it.

Have patience and try not to worry. Things will be fine - it is very early days for you.

Gemmitygem · 11/05/2007 14:20

artichoke, just to send you positive thoughts and support! I have 7 mo DS, went back when he was 3 months, it was hard the first week but then got better, now we're both happy, and it's all fine. it's just a new stage, but it will be fine, honest

Tangfastic · 11/05/2007 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 13/05/2007 09:05

It will be fine. It's only 3 days a week and plenty of children do fine. She's had 9 months of getting used to you at home. 6 months might have been easier for you both but you were able to afford the extra 3 months and probably enjoyed it. She'll get used to it. If you asked my 22/20/18 year olds if they were glad I worked they would all say they did. No remembering of early trauma, no emotional damage, just nice student children who are probably more independent than the children of non working mothers and significantly have been hugely materially benefited because I worked, as well of course as all the normal love all parents bring whether they work or not.

mozhe · 13/05/2007 20:12

It will not affect her adversely, quite the opposite...you are setting her a fine example. Be proud of yourself.

CazzaB · 13/05/2007 20:25

I am going through exactly the same thing at the moment - I am due back at work next week and my 11 month old has spent his first two settling in sessions in floods of tears. Like you it broke my heart. I feel a bit better after reading all this advice so I hope you do too - just to let you know you are not alone!!!

Original poster

ArtichokeTagine · 13/05/2007 21:41

Oh God. 12 hours to go and I am sitting here trying to express and not a drop is coming out. DD will not drink formula so this is bad news. I think I just feel so guilty and stressed that my milk has shut down.

Right now I do not feel positive at all about my return to work. My career was everything to me but to be honest I have already damaged it by having a baby. I will damage it more my going back 3 days a week (I am the first person ever to try and do my job part time). I know I cannot now have a glittering career and I therefore wonder if it is worth it? Plus I love being a stay at home mum. I love the little world I have built for DD and I. Luckily money is not a huge issue for us (we are not loaded but DH earns well and I inherited our house so there is no mortgage). Why am I doing this?

I appreciate Xenia trying to cheer me up saying her grown up kids don't remember anything bad about having a working Mum. But my Mum worked and I remember missing her terribly. I remember being sad she could not do things with me in the day or just after school when other Mums could. Once I was 10+ i think I liked her being at work but before that I just wanted my Mum.

I feel so down tonight .

OP posts:

mozhe · 13/05/2007 23:35

Your baby will not suffer in any way...you must plan a big treat for yourself tomorrow night after your first day. Also do not worry about expressing tonight, she will take formula when she's hungry....express tomorrow at work, I'm sure you'll have plenty then.Good luck....and welcome to working motherhood, there's a lot that's good about it.

beckybrastraps · 13/05/2007 23:40

I did this too. And every time ds went to my dh instead of me (even if he was first to hand), I was convinced that I had ruined my relationship with him. For about a week. Then I got my head round things and it was fine. You and your dd will be fine too. Relax.

beckybrastraps · 13/05/2007 23:47

And, of course, good luck for tomorrow...

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