Full-time work and parenting

[Joz]

Marina - I know exactly how you feel! My sons nursery in under a week has had outbreaks of:
Scabes, chicken pox, foot and mouth, vommitting and diarrhoea and measles - great!

My son had a measles jab a month ago - do you know how long it takes for the vaccine to become effective - I thought it was 6 weeks?

Batters, you have obviously looked at all your options and you are taking the only course of action that you feel you can, in the circumstances. This 'choice' is being made for the good of your whole family and will therefore benefit your child. Such decisions can be heart breaking as one readjusts but hold on to the fact that you are doing it for the greater good!

Eight years ago I went into fulltime education having been in part time education for a year. My daughter was three. Her father and I had recently separated and I was moving her across the country. My guilt was enormous and I remember being consumed with fear that I might be making the wrong decision (surely she needed me at home full time particularly as she was readjusting to a whole new life)I was deeply worried that I might live to regret it. Now she is coming on 12 and I can honestly say I do not regret it. We have a great relationship and she is extremely together. I feel that although my daughter had less of my time she had wonderful carers and I feel I gave her more than I personally would have if I'd been a SAHM. Little is perfect. Obviously there are times when one wishes there were more hours in the day etc but don't feel bad. It will be worth it.

My son is now eleven months old and I had very mixed feelings about returning to work. I am working four days a week and am seeing private clients one evening a week. For the moment I have been able to give myself a day with my son
but I know that there is a limit to how long I can do this before I have to work five days a week. I think that I will feel it is the having no choice that is the hardest thing to deal with. Luckily I know from my experience with my eldest that it is the parent you are that counts, not the amount of time one spends with ones children. Both my daughter and I have lots and lots of great memories and she has never said to me that she hates me working (until I went on maternity leave she'd known little else). I think a really valuable lesson for children (maybe not at 3) is to learn that there's very little that is free in this world and one has to put something in before one can take anything out. (And please don't read this the wrong way everybody: I know this isn't only demonstrated by doing paid work!) Life is for lots of families at the moment particularly with house prices as they are and I certainly get the feeling that many families are making big sacrifices to keep it all together. You are not alone Batters. Good luck and best wishes.

Batters, I'm obviously not an authority on this but my daughter will be nearly 3 when I return to full-time education next yr, so I'll have it all to come (great). I think the best way to look at it is how you are doing so already. You will greatly appreciate and use the time you do have with your daughter because you are aware of what may happen if you don't. At the end of the day you will become a great role-model for her when she is able to understand the situation and I doubt she will ever look on it as though she missed out on any part of you, because you will be there for her job or no job. Hope that helps a bit, good luck......

Don't see the dilemma personally.

Actually I've just done a quiz on The Guardian called "have you got your work life balance sorted" and it said no. It said I have too much life and not enough work.

We always talk about balance in terms of not doing too much at work but we forget it is an equal dilemma if you feel you aren't doing anything productive.

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Hi Bloss, I'm doing an access course in the evenings this year to (hopefully)start an English Language and Linguistics degree next Oct(if Lancaster University will have me!) I was going to do an open uni course, but changed my mind as time is of the essence for me to complete a degree and hopefully go on to do a PGCE (may change my mind though, if other offers come my way - as if!) I've managed to avoid higher education for 8 yrs after finishing my a-levels but it's always been a personal goal of mine and since I had my daughter she's given me the impetus to get my act together and get it done for me and her. So there you go....!

Lizzer- Good luck on the access course! I know loads of people whose lives (career wise at least) have been turned around by good access courses, so I hope the same will be true for you.
I started a part-time PGCE course yesterday- it was great!- and my boys begin morning playgroup tomorrow to give me some study time. So it's all change in our house... I sometimes think adults find transistions just as hard as young kids do, really. I was nervous about my course starting and now I'm getting nervous about whether they'll like playgroup!

Batters, while I haven't faced a similar dilemma my personal view would be that under the circumstances, moving up to 5 days would be the right thing to do. I'm a great believer in taking decisions on what is best for the whole family than any individual as overall, that tends to make for a happier home life. Your partner is no doubt feeling pretty miserable and an increased financial contribution would no doubt at least relieve some of the pressure he must feel. Also, presumably your decision doesn't need to be irrevocable and you could move back down to 4 days at a later date?. The only thing I would say is that perhaps if you don't have a cleaner or help with the ironing that you might consider getting it. That way, the 3 of you will be able to focus on enjoying your precious weekends together.

Just ignore Jbr's comment - her refusal to accept that some women have a perfectly legitamite desire to spend more time with their children than their partners do is frankly, very boring.

Batters, lots of people here have already given you helpful and supportive advice. After quite a short time of working 3 days a week when I returned from maternity leave, for financial reasons I too had to move to 5 days per week. I was so sad about this at the time, and to be honest would much rather be doing 3 days, so that I had more time to do chores and keep weekends free for family fun. But, as Winnie said, sometimes the element of choice is removed, especially where keeping a roof over your heads is concerned. We didn't have the pressing need that your household faces, but would have done had I not gone back full-time...
I worried myself practically ill thinking that this level of work outside the home would mean I knew my son less well and it would be detrimental to our relationship. A year and a half on, this hasn't happened. He is a happy, secure, confident little guy, with lots of friends at nursery.
Good luck with finding that full-time job and I hope things pick up for all of you soon.
And as for you Lizzer...fab news. I bet you'd be a great teacher, but make sure you have lots of fun at college first. Our son is at a wonderful, not-for-profit, small-scale university nursery so you may even find good quality childcare for your daughter comes as part of the package.

Batters, I can understand how you feel, luckily I havnt had to go through the feelings you have now, I managed to find a part time job I can take my son with me and with my husbands promotion to London looming in the next few weeks, I will be able to perhaps just do a few hours cleaning or something like just to cover a few bills. It probably wont be as bad as you think as you are just going from 4 - 5 days, but I understand that this extra day at home has become special. You sound like a loving, caring person.
Croppy - I have been thinking of something to write to Jbrs comment thanks for putting it into words. She doesnt really seem to care about anything.

Hi there Batters and everyone. This is a really hard one, I think. I went full time when the boys were 2 and 5 in order to make a major career change, and after 18 months managed to go down to 4 days a week. I work for a university and public sector pay is poor, so the 20% drop in salary wasn't as bad as it might have been, and we have learnt to live with it. However, my husbands business is about to close and so we will only have one income for a while. I am frankly terrified about what will happen. For me, the day I have with the children is vital. I take them to school (they are now 9 and 6), get to see their teachers and classrooms, meet their friends and hear the after-school woes which are part of their growing up. I also do some of the household chores, which frees us up as a family for the weekend. I can't bear the thought of losing the fifth day, but know I might have to - we might need the money, especially if DH can't find work quickly.

In the end, I know the children will adapt, and will know they are loved. To be honest, as much as anything I think it's me who will lose out on the precious experience - they will be fine. Anyone else feel the same?

I think jbr misinterprets what equality is all about within relationships. To me, being equal with my partner means that the contribution we each make to the family is of equal value to each other, not that we each earn half our income or do half the washing up or clean half the toilet. And who cares what the rest of the world thinks, so long as everyone is happy?

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To inject a little light humour to this subject - I found some of my old exercise books at the weekend, from when I was about 10. One piece of 'creative writing' was explaining my family..."I have two brothers...my dad is an accountant" etc etc, then the classic piece "my mum used to be an occupational therapist, but she isn't AHYTHING anymore!"

As a new 'full time mum' I found this very amusing as only the previous day my daughter asked 'mummy, why aren't you a dentist?' (our neighbour is one!). Will she one day soon, write a story about how her mummy used to be a Marketing Manager but isn't anything anymore?

I was reading about "Take Your Sons To Work Day" where mothers take their sons to work, and alot of lads were being left out!

I still think even doing something on a Saturday helps in the long run. You always have more chance of getting a job if you are already in one.

Just to add to the humourous side, too, it's "Take Your Dog To Work Day" today. I'd love to be able to send our dog out to earn a crust or two!!

I remember once we had a pet day at school. I didn't take my dog but someone took a rabbit and it escaped!

Batters, as a full time working mum since dd 4 months old I am afraid to say I have not regretted it, but the first few weeks were hard. But I do know it was nice to have a lunch break!! Though now I do envy people with with part time jobs or working from home, probably my ideal solution would be a job share with dh!! (impossible though). However I am lucky in that dh is full time dad so I know that dd has always had 100% good care.

For any psychologist people out there who think I am a bit weird legging it back to work so quickly, I blame my family upbringing (lame excuse). I was brought up by aunt and nan while mother worked away and visited occasionally (father unknown at that time. thats another story!). So working mum has always seemed normal to me - what is important is love, stability, reliability and consistency from whichever carer you choose.

Two things have always been very important to me since becoming a mum, and would be essential if I were to start job hunting. One, flexi time so I can have time off without biting into holiday time for those important moments eg health visitor checks when younger and now for school meetings etc. (My mum was never there for them ... ) Two, flexible start time, to enable me to take dd to school. That way we get some time together (even if there is an element of shouting HURRY UP get dressed we are going to be LATE!!! )
Finally, each weekend always includes "a girls day". This gives dh a break and can be as simple as hanging out with a friend for the afternoon (coffee and fags for us; playtime and videos for the kids), or an outing (mostly cheap and cheerful) eg going to Sat morning pictures/swimming/shopping whatever.

As long as you have confidence in your child's carer, working full time means you just have to make the most of the even shorter time you have together (though without being fixated on "spending quality time DOING stuff")- let your child take the lead on what he/she wants to do!

Best of luck

scummymummy, how old are your children, and what do you do with them while you are studying? Its just that I am hoping to start the PGCE course next september, but i will have 2 babes needing nursery, and I am looking at using the college creche as it is much cheaper than the current private one. But that will still cost a lot considering I won't be earning - would appreciate your ideas on this one?

Madmaz, I don't think there is anything wrong with "legging it" as you put it, back to work. Nothing strange about it at all, provided you felt well enough. It takes so many different people different lengths of time to recover.

Lil- I wish I had some magic answers for you re:childcare and PGCE study but I'm afraid I don't really.
My twins are 2 1/2 and have just started at a (cheap) Pre-school Learning Alliance Playgroup which I plan to pay for using the teacher training salary. I'm hoping that they'll settle in OK and that I can then use the mornings for studying and so keep up with the non-school based learning. (I'm pretty determined that it WILL work since there are no other places that we can afford in our area and I don't want to have to wait till they're 3+ for a free nursery school place.) As for the school based part of the course, I am very lucky to be able to call in support from my Dad and parents-in-law for childcare so I'm hoping that between them and my partner the boys will be ok. Since the course is part-time and partly distance learning based it doesn't feel like too much of a pressure yet. I'm sure it's all going to go pear shaped at some points though, particularly during the compulsory full-time school placements!
How old are your bairns? If either or both are over 3 you might have some luck in getting free part-time places even at a private nursery, depending on their fees policy.
The other thing to consider is using a childminder for some or all of your childcare. They are usually a bit cheaper than a nursery when you've got more than one child to pay for. I've met some great ones and will definitely be knocking on their doors in a panic if my family let me down!
What ages subjects are you planning to teach btw?Are you considering a part or full-time course? It's nice to hear from a fellow wannabe educator!

Batters - I work full time. I changed my hours so I start an hour earlier and leave an hour earlier, which works great. My hubby takes our son to his childminders and on the odd occasion I have to take him, she takes him early to fit in with my hours. The extra hour in the afternoon is brilliant. We can go to the park, we can go and see friends or go to the library. Its very relaxed.

My advice would be instead of doing the 9 to 5, try the 8 to 4!

scummymummy - I will (!) have a 6 mnth and a 2.5 yr old that will need nursery. The college one is certainly cheaper than the private nurseries, and I've been told that I will be given schools very near to the nursery to work in, which is a relief. I want to do the 1 year full time course, because if I have to pay for full time nursery then I might as well get the course done asap. I hear what you say about child minders, they are certainly cheaper and more flexibe, but I wish I had some really good recommendations, to feel secure.

I am doing the science course - have you been watching the series on mondays that follows PGCE teachers? v. interesting. I can't wait. How long is your course?Is there a lot of extra homework? that's what worries me with little ones, finding the time in the evenings. I am impressed at the women here that have done degrees etc in their 'spare' time!