Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Colleague is draining me

29 replies

SidekickSally · 14/12/2017 22:11

I work in a small team in an office and we have a new member on our team and I've been assigned her manager. She is very bright and works very hard but she has some traits that are beginning to drain me.

She is very negative and pessimistic. She always doubts herself and asks for reassurance ALOT from me, either about her work or today about whether people like her or not. That is quite a common one.

She always has a crisis of one sort or another, with her boyfriend, with her flatmate, with an illness. She is always bending my ear and moaning and panicking. I know she suffers from anxiety and I do listen but it's started to really get on my nerves now.

I can understand needing reassurance about her work, I can handle that but the rest is building up so that I have started ignoring her or going off to find a quiet area if I need to work, or just snapping which I know is not the right way.

I've had open chats to her about needing to put things in perspective and trying to take a step away from personal stuff when you're at work but it doesn't seem to help.

I just think she is extremely needy and I'm finding it really draining. I am so tired and headachy this evening and feel as though the stress is getting on top of me which is ridiculous considering I'm meant to be the responsible adult and she is only 23 years old.

Any tips?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/12/2017 22:18

She’s a dementor and she’ll suck you dry if you let her.

Maybe a few lines on repeat to say to her might help. Such as ‘leave your problems at home’ or something less harsh. Don’t constantly reassure her. Just stay silent when she moans about her personal life and then carry on as if she hasn’t said anything.

Original poster
SidekickSally · 14/12/2017 22:28

I need to find a way of saying leave your problems at home whilst at the same time being someone she can talk to if things are bad as I wouldn't want her suffering in silence. I have to make her see there are limitations and boundaries.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 14/12/2017 22:31

You don't need to be someone she can talk to about personal problems.

What would a male manager do, I wonder?

BrownTurkey · 14/12/2017 22:32

Ask her to contain it to a weekly supervision session, where she can bring professional issues and brief personal issues impacting on work.

Original poster
SidekickSally · 14/12/2017 22:54

I will suggest tomorrow that we have weekly sessions where she can talk about anything that is concerning her but that we limit it to that. I'll make it clear that if it starts to affect her I will need to seek help for her (which she'll hate as she's moany but then doesn't want to do anything about it)!!

I do feel like I'm her mum, I've made a rod for my own back!

OP posts:
Nomoretears56 · 14/12/2017 22:59

I work with a life sucker, i feel your pain!

BlessYourCottonSocks · 14/12/2017 23:00

You need to say briskly, 'Ok - but I'm afraid when you are at work that is what you are being paid to do. It's unprofessional to be complaining about personal issues. You'll have to sort your bf/flatmate out in your own time, not during the working day. Now - have you finished that report on Roadworks on the M25? (or whatever it is you do)'

You've been assigned as her manager - so you need to manage her behaviour. Keep pleasant and friendly but absolutely focused on work issues.

Mxyzptlk · 14/12/2017 23:04

^^ What Cottonsocks said.
A weekly session where she talks to her manager about personal issues? No.
She should only be mentioning them to you if they are affecting her work eg can't concentrate because mother terminally ill.
Don't humour her.

JaneEyre70 · 14/12/2017 23:07

You've been too nice, and now you're paying for it. I'd go with the "oh dear I'm far too rushed today to worry about my own personal life let alone yours" with a smile, and carry on with what you were doing. Each and every time. You can be polite but just completely refuse to engage. She's not your responsibility, and her personal life is her own to sort.

Ceebs85 · 14/12/2017 23:14

I can relate to this. Youve been too nice so far. She's 23 and there to do a job. She sounds very emotionally immature but that's not your concern. You're just there to manage her in a professional capacity. .

I work in healthcare amd we get monthly 'supervision ' where it would be appropriate to talk about personal issues if they are impacting on work. Regular meetings may be a good idea but it sounds like she needs a coaching approach as she needs to find solutions for herself rather than constant reassurance!

Nomoretears56 · 15/12/2017 06:57

I've worked with my life sucker for 8 long miserable years, I inherited her from the previous boss, I open the door every morning to be met by the sourest, grumpy face that anyone could imagine and then the moaning starts, so and so done this, so and so done that, mumble mumble moan moan!! I've tried to be sympathetic (big mistake), I've tried to be professional and it didn't work, being miserable is part of her personality, now I just smile and try to to switch off but it's soul destroying and it must take a lot of hard work being so nasty!

Appraiser · 15/12/2017 07:25

I call them mood hoovers.

As her manager, you need to step up and turn on the cold dial.

There needs to be clear expectations on behaviours in the workplace. Going forward, explain that you will listen to concerns regarding work but any further negativity in the office not about work, will be ignored.

Explain consequences of negativity on you and team around you.

Make her aware it is now affecting you and others.

Give her support. There are Mood Apps to document her feelings each day which may help her (recently seen on of these and they’re very good).

Document the discussion (email).

Read up on millennials. It will help you understand what makes millennials tick, and what type of person they may be.

Step up OP, your her manager, not her friend or mum.

Appraiser · 15/12/2017 07:25

*You’re

AmeliaFlashtart · 15/12/2017 16:58

You need to develop boundaries. You are her manager not her friend. If she was well balanced normally and hit a rough patch then a good manager would support her. This person has ever present issues, you aren't her counsellor, her priest, her sounding board. Next time she starts tell her you don't have time for this, your busy, have a lot of work to do, tell her you'd a KFC

ireallydontcare · 15/12/2017 20:09

wow, this is so sad to hear. So much ignorance about mental health problems. Telling someone to 'leave their personal problems at home' isn't that simple. anxiety is with me everywhere I go. I talk about my problems with my manager so they, whoever it is, know why I can be the way I am. It's never stopped me from doing my job, in fact I'm ahead of the rest of my team in terms of meeting targets.

My manager allows me to work from home occassionally and we have an employee assistance programme. We have courses for staff on managing stress and also on mental health awareness.

We had a member of staff commit suicide about 5 or 6 years ago which changed a lot of things in our workplace, I think there was legal action as a result from the family and evidence against a manager who had an approach such as yours. The legal action related to lack of care/neglect and unmanageable workload. I'm not in HR so I only know what I've been told. It's a much better environment now.

Why not adopt a similar supportive approach instead of being so dismissive? Yes she's asking a lot but if you speak to HR and arrange some sort of proper support then that lessons the 'hassle' for you.

Another approach is to get another job because your management style just sucks

Poor girl

ireallydontcare · 15/12/2017 20:12

*lessens

Timmytoo · 15/12/2017 20:36

Geez Gamerchick, I looked up Dementors, pretty harsh to call some who’s insecure and anxious the foulest person who walks the earth! I was that person and it’s taken me years and a lot of work experience to feel more confident and secure at work. I’m not a foul person, I was bullied at school and I lacked confidence plus I have ADHD and anxiety which automatically makes me different which people pick up making me more nervous.

Katescurios · 15/12/2017 20:51

Is your company signed up to an employee assistance programme? If so I would just tell her it sounds like she's having a number of problems in her personal life and maybe it would be a good idea to contact EA for counselling/finance etc advice.

AmeliaFlashtart · 15/12/2017 21:06

Timmytoo

There's a huge difference between mental health issues which deserve compassion empathy and support and a needy insecure self obsessed attention seeking person who thinks everyone around them is there to reassure them and build them up. That is not her managers responsibility!

Ceebs85 · 15/12/2017 23:11

Why does someone always bring out the old mental health thing. Yes mental heath problems can affect work performance but this person does not sound unwell. She sounds unprofessional, immature and self centred.

I would suggest she seeks counselling/therapy as this is not your remit as her manager! She could really do with working on her resilience and coping skills

Appraiser · 16/12/2017 12:48

I agree with @Ceebs85

@Ireallydontcare - that’s awful that a suicide made your organisation realise managers should be supportive. Work related stress is covered under HSE and if the suicide was work related then legal action may have been taken.

The problem with MH support in the workplace is that having MH doesn’t then make you a professional in advising and managing it. I see it a lot in my workplace. Non professionals (managers) giving advice and support (support is fine) and it not being the right advice. You can support management to support employees but ultimately the responsibility of MH is on the professional services.

I have days when I’m anxious but I don’t relate that to having a MH problem, and the last people I’d be discussing (personal) reasons that might cause anxiety is work people. It’s personal, it shouldn’t be brought into work.

None of us can diagnose the OP’s colleague with MH with the limited information we have. Only a GP can do that, which is what my advice was for the OP (to encourage her to get help and track her mood).

As a caring, and supportive manager, you can still be firm on the behaviours expected in the workplace.

ireallydontcare · 16/12/2017 15:11

Actually managers do have a responsibility as mental health is covered by the Equality Act 2010 and all mental health charities say more support is needed from employers. As I said previously, mental health is not something that can be switched off when entering a work place. Empathy is very badly needed in this situation. The girl in my opinion suffers from anxiety and it's being misinterpreted as immaturity. That kind of misinterpretation is what leads to discrimination claims. I bloody hope this girl is in a union as she will need one.

Appraiser · 16/12/2017 15:24

Where have I said managers don’t have a responsibility? You’ve completely misread my post idontcare

And as you don’t work in HR, don't quote law at me that you don’t understand. An organisation not a manager has responsibilities under the EA if the diagnosis of any health matter is deemed as a disability. Having anxiety doesn’t not necessarily mean the person is covered. There are many variables here.

Charities say many things about MH but the main one I hear is that the lack of services and professional support is a major concern, not employers not supporting.

As I said before, with little information we have on this person means it’s impossible to diagnose her.

ireallydontcare · 16/12/2017 15:50

actually I have both an HR and equalities background but will not say more in order to keep my job private. I'm pretty sure I know more than you.

Both organisations and their staff have responsibilities under the Equality Act. In the case I mentioned above, the individual's manager and more senior staff were all involved in the legal action.

Think of all those managers acting like arseholes because they think equalities is only HR's responsibility?

You can't argue with stupid.

abualb · 16/12/2017 17:07

Echoing others,you need to identify, communicate and reinforce professional boundaries if you expect her to follow them. It sounds like a toxic mix of your ambiguous well wishing and her lack of awareness/experience has led to a situation which should never have been allowed to develop.

The MH comments are a bit of a distraction to the OP because if there's anything that is if grave concern or above the remit of a competent manager (which some of this behaviour isn't)... Normal approaches should still apply e.g. escalate to HR or OT or whatever for referral... There should be an applicable process which supports the OP as a manager herself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread