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Original poster

How to tell boss I can't go on Christmas work trip? (new hire)

53 replies

mmullen19 · 16/10/2017 20:40

I have recently started my first job out of university. In my first week, I had to travel to London (HQ) for 3 days for training. The annual Christmas week, also in London, is currently being planned. It involves lunches, a team-building day, party - nothing too essential.

I have a very sick family member, and really don't think I can be away from home so close to Christmas. I just don't think it's worth it should anything happen, and particularly as this trip doesn't seem essential. Although the trip in my first week was difficult, as it was arranged for the sole purpose of training me I felt I had to go.

Flights, etc. for the Christmas trip have already been booked. I have checked the cancellation policies of both the airline and hotel and the company don't stand to lose any money should I cancel. I don't want to rock the boat as a new hire and cause bad feelings.

How should I tell my boss (who I've been getting on very well with), without any major fallout/risk of losing my job?

OP posts:
AliPfefferman · 17/10/2017 07:10

What does the trip's proximity to Christmas have to do with anything? They're not actually asking you to miss Christmas with your family, right?

I think you absolutely need to go, unless the person's death is imminent, which you can't possibly know two months in advance. Being a professional means you can't always be there for everything but that's part of the balance we all face. As a PP pointed out, you will likely need the goodwill of your boss and colleagues down the line and you don't want to squander it when it's not critically necessary. It doesn't matter whether you judge the trip to be essential or not. Optics are very important when you are new in the workplace and everyone has family stress and commitments.

AnneElliott · 17/10/2017 07:51

I would speak to your boss about it. No way would I expect a member of my team to join this if they have a dying close relative.

KarmaNoMore · 17/10/2017 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemepopcorn · 17/10/2017 08:05

Warn the manager of your circumstances, say you will go but may need to leave on short notice should the relative deteriorate suddenly. I am assuming it is a very close family member!

blueskyinmarch · 17/10/2017 08:06

Surely you speak to your boss and explain about the sick relative and agree should anything happen while you are away that week that you can be released to fly home immediately? If you are going to be in London you have many airports available and many options to book last minute flights.

Hulder · 17/10/2017 08:12

Ignore the fact it's at Christmas - it isn't over Christmas day. So you are spending time with your relative over actual Christmas.

Plus what you think is 'not important' work clearly do - they wouldn't spend money on this trip if they thought it was non-essential.

So the starting point is you have to go. Other employees will be in similar positions, have small children etc, clearly they all go.

Your workplace will have policies for special leave/compassionate leave should emergencies happen.

You should speak to your boss, let them know you obvs are planning to go but you have a sick relative and what is the workplace position on leave etc - this is worth knowing in advance anyway as varies massively from 'take as much time as you need' to 'one day for the funeral and we'll start sickness procedures if you take the time off as stress via your GP'.

Ifailed · 17/10/2017 08:16

It's not for you to decide what aspects of your job are essential or not, certainly not at this stage of your career. The obvious thing to do is to speak to your line manager about it, and follow their advice.

seven201 · 17/10/2017 09:44

I think it depends on who the relative is and how dependent on you they are. If it's a parent, sibling (with no other care) or partner then your employer might be sympathetic. If it's a grandparent then you've probably got no chance, and rightly so imo. I think you should maybe speak to your boss in a head ma up kind of way. Letting them know that if your relatives condition deteriorates then you might be needed to miss part of the trip.

It's hard, my Mum died of terminal cancer when I was quite new in a job and she lived a few hours away, so I couldn't pop by in there evenings. I'm a teacher and I did have two separate days where I was unfit to be stood in front of a class of teenagers all day, so didn't go in. My head was supportive but I found it really stressful as I didn't know if I was pissing people off.

flowery · 17/10/2017 10:20

"I don't think I can be away from home so close to Christmas"

What does the proximity to Christmas have to do with it?

Is this person dependent on you for care? Presumably they are fine during the working day as you are at work anyway, but do you care for them in the evenings/mornings?

disahsterdahling · 17/10/2017 12:28

Years ago I went on a work trip to the US when ds was very small. He became ill while I was there, and my boss was fine about me flying home a day early. He wasn't that bad as things had turned out, but given how long it takes to get back from the US, it was better that I fly home.

I am sure that any boss with any sort of compassion whatsoever would allow you to fly home early if you needed to. Go on the trip and if the worst happens, you can get back.

problembottom · 17/10/2017 15:21

I'm not really sure why the week being so close to Christmas has anything to do with it either? Please explain OP.

WipsGlitter · 17/10/2017 17:17

I think you have to be logical and realistic.

My mum was approaching the end of life and I went on a work trip. I had a plan to both leave early or get home in an emergency and had flights priced and knew what time they were at. It wasn't necessary though. But I felt better with a plan.

Christmas is a bit of red herring although in general I'm amazed people are willing to go away for a week close to Christmas as generally people have lots of other commitments.

underneaththeash · 17/10/2017 17:49

I had a similar issue when my dad was terminally ill. I approached him before hand and just st to say that I may need to leave at short notice, as he's only been given a few weeks to live. It was at that point that he suggested that I didn't go, I had to take the time as unpaid leave as the practice wasn't open, so working wasn't an option,

He actually pulled through that crisis, but died the following year...

user1471548375 · 17/10/2017 17:54

Tbh OP, it sounds like you just don't want to be away so close to Christmas and you're using the caring responsibility as an excuse - presumably the travel requirements were discussed at interview, part of the job description etc.

Either you can accommodate the requirements of the job, or you can't and you need to move on to something else.

Tentomidnight · 17/10/2017 18:45

Are you coming back OP?

Slimthistime · 19/10/2017 13:46

I see your point OP - the training was essential but this isn't

is the Christmas bit a red herring - I mean, it doesn't matter to you whether it was a jolly for June or December?

I would talk to them. Don't mention Christmas. but say you have a sick relative and can't be too far away.

the only thing is - sorry, as so many posters drip feed - was it ever made clear to you that some travel might be involved? I'd never accept a job with any travel any more, even if just once or twice a year, due to mum's health.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/10/2017 13:52

Is the illness terminal or long-term? Either way, if it is likely to affect your work attendance or performance at any point, you should probably flag it to your boss and HR now anyway. I'm assuming you are not their carer if you have a full-time job.

Re: Christmas trip, agree with others that perhaps have a discreet chat with your boss now about your concerns and ask for their advice, before making a decision. Just depends if you want to put your career or your relative first. Hope all goes OK.

LewisThere · 19/10/2017 13:57

How close is the family member and are yu talking about someone who is terminally ill, really at the end of life or about someone with a chronic illness that can look after themselves for a while or whatever in between?

I would do my utmost to go with the team. That will be an essential part of you starting to really BE part of that team (that's the whole point of team building exercise!).
Plus you don't want to look like you are avoiding anything that isn't strictly part of your job.
If you do have some strong caring responsibilities, then you need to have a word with your boss about it as I assume this is a situation that will happen again.

2014newme · 19/10/2017 14:14

It being near Xmas is irrelevant. Part of having a job is going where they want you regardless of whether you want to.
For the relative though if they depend on you for care then it could mean you cannot attend. You'll need to discuss with your manager. If it's your parent or sibling and they are near end if life it's a very hard situation and I can understand why you are reluctant to go away (assuming you currently live in the same area).

gamerwidow · 19/10/2017 14:47

I think unless your family member is terminally ill or due treatment in that week so needs supper then you have to go. I sympathise though, I hate when companies feel like they can make claim your free time whenever they like for these ridiculous team builders. I bet you aren’t paid for your time over the weekend are you?
I am so glad I no longer work in a place where this is the norm.

gamerwidow · 19/10/2017 14:48

*So needs support not supper

Ifailed · 19/10/2017 16:24

OP has disappeared. Hopefully not because something awful has happened to the sick family member.

I rather suspect it's the first time she has not had two or three weeks holiday at xmas as she is not now in school, college, or university so it's come as a bit of a shock that her employer not just expects her to be working but also go down to London for a few days.

Floralnomad · 19/10/2017 16:31

I don't get this at all . If you have a very sick relative what has Christmas got to do with anything , you aren't away over actual Christmas are you . It's also a long way off still so you need to plan on going and then see how things stand nearer the actual time , you can always get home at short notice if needs be .

Slimthistime · 19/10/2017 16:45

ifailed "I rather suspect it's the first time she has not had two or three weeks holiday at xmas as she is not now in school,"

!!! what!!! some offices will be open till 24th and again till 27th. Given that OP talks about an annual Xmas week in London, I can imagine this company will be one of them (not a complaint, I bloody hate having to use my holiday to accommodate Xmas closure of the office).

I'm guessing she's not replied yet due to work.

Ifailed · 19/10/2017 16:48

Slimthistime

That was my point. I had some Grads working for me a while back, and one confided in me that they hadn't realised that they would have to work over the xmas holidays, I told them they don't, they get 2 days off. They meant the 2 or 3 weeks they were used to getting at school/uni etc.