Please don't hate me....

[Monnie]

I have just given up work (long story) as I am studying for a career change, so I plan on going back to work in about 1-2 years time.

I have loved being with DS full time for the last week, but I must admit that I did something quite odd yesterday.

I went into town with my mum and nephew and I insisted that I wore my 'Next' casuals as opposed to my trackie-bottoms and t-shirt and then when we were in town, every time I walked past women in their work clothes, I found myself trying to give off an air of 'I used to work in a high-pressured environment and this situation is only temporary'.

I feel awful about this and I think it's a
syptom(?) of that fact that worked since I graduated and I have difficulty adjusting to the situation subconciously. Also, although I'm 32, I look about 12 so I'm conscious that people may think I'm this 'irresponsible teen, etc, etc'.

Please, please tell me that other mothers who gave up work felt or feel that same and tell me it will pass.

I'm very proud of being a mum (one of only 3 things I have been truly commited to) so am currently feeling really bad.

Ok, will stop rambling now!

Monnie, the 11 months (it was supposed to be 6) I took off when I had my son was the first time in my life (i'm now 39) since I was 16 that I wasn't either working or studying. I felt guilty at first, but it passed quickly. It's not like I was at home doing nothing (as i'm sure you well know). Enjoy the time you've got, as when you start studying (sept?) you will probably find yourself even more exhausted than when you were working. And congrats on having the courage to make a career change in your 30's. I did it and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Monnie, don't feel bad! I went back to work in London when ds was 5 months old and commuted, with him in a buggy, on the tube every day (nursery was at work). Since I worked in a casual dress environment I felt sure that all the smartly dressed other commuters were giving me murder-death-kill looks since (I thought) they assumed I wasn't working (as I was casually dressed) and was just taking up valuable tube space in the rush hour to p* them off! Now I look back and think it was my paranoia...

I stopped working 6 months later to become a SAHM and at first felt utterly invisible. I told DH that I felt sure that I could rob a bank and as long as I had ds with me, no-one would remember my face, what I looked like or be able to pick me out in an identity parade since I was just "a mother with a baby". So I know the feeling. Never did rob a bank though

However, I no longer feel that way and I've been a SAHM for about 4 years now. It did take a bit of getting used to but once I accepted that this is what I do and that it is work it got easier, from the identity point of view. I think the transition from serious work where you're respected and paid properly to becoming a SAHM is a strange one and I'm not at all surprised that you feel this way. It will pass. Good for you for having the courage to make a career change.

Oh, I think that's so normal. I work from home now and feel such a hick when I meet up with my friends in their glamorous work clothes. I still try to look OK though, and do wear makeup every day when I go out (though yesterday I was in my dressing gown until 3pm!!!). Good luck with the studying.

Sofia, what do you do, if I may ask?

WWW, the point you made about feeling invisible is so true. I never had a particularly well paid or high powered job, but I did, at least, feel that people listened to me and valued my opinion. Now, I am (esp.in my childrens' eyes!) the least interesting person I know. In fact, on the rare occasions when I am outside the home without my children, I feel like I have lost my security blanket, IYKWIM. I have even forgotten how to walk properly without one hand on a pushchair and the other carrying a bag full of shopping . (Or maybe I should blame the wine!!

Anyway, Monnie, I'm sure this feeling will pass, it just takes a bit of getting used to. I tell myself every day that I am doing the hardest job in the world (luckily for me, D.H., agrees)

I go to work 3 days a week and feel such a hick whether at work or not

I work from home now and have done since Phoebe was three months old. I work 3 days a week and my mother in law looks after her. Phoebe will be 3 on 11 Oct and is a very happy, outgoing little girl and chats for england. Anyway, we had a barbecue for the queens jubilee and my sister in law, Phoebes Nans (who looks after her) daughter
had a right go at me (she was a bit drunk). She said that Phoebe should go to nursery as she is spending too much time around old people, thats why she is coming out with big words all the time
and she needs to be with other children. This is the person who has had two failed marriages and whose kids at times have hit her and gone back to their dad! I have been taking Phoebe to playgroup since she was 1, on a monday each week. To be honest I dont want to rush Phoebe off to nursery I am quite happy with my arrangements re childcare. Phoebes Nan takes her to loads of places when she has her and has got so much time for her, stories read, painting, colouring, jigsaws etc. Phoebe wont be starting school until the month before she is 5 anyway. This has been really playing on my mind though, possibly because how can someone have the cheek to mention re Phoebes childcare. I would love to hear all your views.

I'm going back to work on 1st July after 7 mth.I am looking forward to it in a way getting back some independance(4 hrs per day)and adult company but i would really like to stay at home with DS. I dont care that people just see me as a mum + wife,in fact i quite like it.

starmoon, my dd will be 3 in December and spends most of her time with 'old' people (eg, me, her granny and her childminder). Consequently she says things like 'Ooh, those wellies are perfect' and 'oh bother' and 'Ooh, an ice-cream, smashing'.

Re: feeling invisible, I also went through this, giving up a high-powered job in London to be a SAHM in Dorset. Take pride in yourself! Don't go out in trackie bottoms if you don't want to, rethink your wardrobe and dress well (but practically), wear make-up if you normally would, hold your head up high and be proud to be a mum!

Enid, when will your dd go to nursery? Love the bit about old people (me). Phoebe comes out with "mum thats absolutely fantastic", but I dont see that as a problem (quite impressive really). The funny thing is her nan doesnt use big words anyway.

Starmoon

Your daughter sounds to be a lucky one.

I have found that even now in my 30's that I am glad my mother and my other relatives didn't pack me off to nursery when I was young.

I used to go to play school but apart from that was around adults all the time and I now look back and realise how much more advanced in some areas I was due to the care and attention I got at that age.

I'm still horrified by the 5 y/o's that I see that can barely speak properly and have virtually no idea how to read or write.

Maybe if more children had one to one adult interaction on a daily basis then we wouldn't have so many illiterate youngesters that think Tweenies and TellyTubbies are good programs to learn from.

Agree with some of your points SimonHoward about the importance of one to one attention (although I suffer from guilt about this myself for various reasons). As a Governor of a Nursery school, I've found that the one to one doesn't always help the child's progress, probably hinders it in some cases. Anyway, I can feel high horse coming out re: parenting skills, society's/Govenment's responsibilities etc etc.

Other reason for writing was that I am handing in my notice tomorrow from v. high powered, well paid job to go back to study full time for a year, to allow me to do job of my dreams that has the added bonus of letting me have more time with the children.

I suspect I will tell everyone how important I used to be - 12 years of working in my 'career woman' mode is difficult to shake. But I'll hate myself for it.

So I'm interested to read everyone's comments and hopefully will learn from them.

Starmoon, this woman was talking rubbish! It's brilliant that your dd has so much close and loving attention and knows what your sil described as 'big' words. Your arrangement sounds great. I'd try to forget what she said: IMO she's wrong.

My ds didn't go to any playgroup until he was nearly 3 and is also chatty and happy (mostly)with a great vocabulary. I think he has benefited hugely from a lot of adult company at an early age. I'm particularly proud of the fact that he knows what a hypothetical situation is and uses the phrase correctly!

Sobernow, I still sometimes feel the need to remind people how important I used to be - after all this time! And I agree with Enid about making an effort even if you are a SAHM. I always wear make up and don't think I dress like a slob, although I do sometimes have sticky handprints on the back of whatever I'm wearing.

She's starting at nursery in Sept a few mornings a week. I think she'll quite enjoy it...we'll see!

Oops got confused by presence of boss at office door, meant to say that it sounds like your dd has the perfect balance of quality time (hate that phrase but it's true) with you and your MIL and time playing with children, going out and having lots of new experiences. These all help to make happy, confident, independent children.

When my dd was first at state nursery, she described someone as looking 'stern' to an Ofsted Inspector. Apparently he nearly feel off his chair as he hadn't heard a 4 year old using that word before (?) That's undoubtedly thanks to Granny and Granpa when they've been looking after her and I love them for that and dd for using the word.

Anyway, if there was a 'right' way, we'd all be doing it. But I know it's hard to dismiss other people's comments (particularly family)

Star

If everyone had a job and no-one wanted to be a mum at home then the world would be a sad place.

I did have a rather jaded view of SAHM's before I got married but after working out what DW needs to do to look after DD it may not be as hectic as her previous jobs just yet but as she want's No2 soon it wii be and I'm still suprised at people that don't realise it.

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments you have made me feel much better, to be honest I think my sil problem stems from her own children. Her eldest is nearly 21 and when she was younger her mum worked full time and a childminder looked after her. The childminder used to also like Nicole to stay the night quite often which suited my sil as they were able to go out. My niece didnt go to nursery and at school hardly had any friends. Even now that she is working she doesnt mix very well. Basically my sil thinks this is all because Nicole didnt go to nursery!!!

They do make me laugh these people I would never have the cheek to put my view across to someone like she has.

Re the original message, I would also like to thank you all for your comments.

I am very proud to be DS's mum and I loathed the job I was in anyway, so I'm glad I gave it up.

Glad to know that I'm not the self-obsessed woman I thought this meant I was, lol.

Feel in tune with many of the comments here. It took me a very long time to come to terms with not working in a well-paid career, both from terms of self-esteem in the job and being financially independent. Now, however, I soon manage to put those little nostalgic moments aside by realising that I have much more control over my life now. (Especially as I am past the baby stage!). How can I possibly be envious of those high-flyers in the City when the sun is shining and I can be out in the park? If I don't feel like doing my hair every day and putting on make-up, I don't. My day may be dictated by the childrens' needs but I decide what to do and where to go - I'm not answerable to a boss. I save a fortune in tights! I don't have to juggle days off to attend school functions and parents' meetings. I don't have the child care anxiety if a child is sick. In the holidays I can get up later etc. etc. etc. I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to have been able to have the choice of staying at home.

I always want the best of both worlds. When I was in a stressful job, I wanted to be at home all day with a baby. Now I have that, I'm thinking of having a part-time job, to stretch my brain again.

I am more exhausted at the end of the day now than I ever was at work, and the salary and holidays are rubbish! But the perks make up for it. I would never want to give the care of my child to anyone else (except dh!), so I just try to remember that when I feel a bit inadequate and unimportant with my working friends.

Don't beat yourself up Monnie. We all need to feel important in other people's eyes.

wow, chinchilla, you must have a great dh. Mine is near the bottom of the list of people I'd trust my son with....I've just got back from hospital (just minor scare of preeclampsia...everything's ok) to find that my dh let our ds(18 mo.) into our bedroom (strictly off limits unless supervised) where he pulled apart the electrical cord going into my laptop while it was plugged in....
I found that staying home all day with my ds was far more exhausting than working too!