Please don't hate me....

[Monnie]

I have just given up work (long story) as I am studying for a career change, so I plan on going back to work in about 1-2 years time.

I have loved being with DS full time for the last week, but I must admit that I did something quite odd yesterday.

I went into town with my mum and nephew and I insisted that I wore my 'Next' casuals as opposed to my trackie-bottoms and t-shirt and then when we were in town, every time I walked past women in their work clothes, I found myself trying to give off an air of 'I used to work in a high-pressured environment and this situation is only temporary'.

I feel awful about this and I think it's a
syptom(?) of that fact that worked since I graduated and I have difficulty adjusting to the situation subconciously. Also, although I'm 32, I look about 12 so I'm conscious that people may think I'm this 'irresponsible teen, etc, etc'.

Please, please tell me that other mothers who gave up work felt or feel that same and tell me it will pass.

I'm very proud of being a mum (one of only 3 things I have been truly commited to) so am currently feeling really bad.

Ok, will stop rambling now!

I agree - At my husband is at a crisis point in his job we are currently considering me working full time and he part time and looking after our 14month ds. But I have serious doubts as I know looking after him is all he could do and I would still come home with the tea to cook, washing to do etc. Yesterday he offered to cook tea while I was out with our older son - when I came back it was burnt - his 'excuse' - he had to keep an eye on the toddler! - strange that I manage to cook a meal and look after the kids every day!

Has anyone successful re-educated their dh in this way?!

I like the time off I have but I don't think it's "stressful". I'm not going to pretend going to the park is as hard as dealing with a switchboard of 20 customers!

Why, oh why did I ever agree to train in that?! I only work a couple of days a month - enough to pay the bills - and I'm having difficulty finding anything else, so I thought I'd take up some extra training to stretch me a bit and I really wish I hadn't bothered!

I've quickly skimmed through this interesting thread, so excuse me it I'm repeating anything already said:

Just like to pick up on this question of lack of respect for SAHMs. In my last job - a senior position - over a two year period, my manager consistently ignored his small team and at times undermined them to the rest of the company. Even when I knew I had produced good work - and was praised for it by people in or out of the company, he didn't acknowledge it. His bad man mangement skills were openly recognised by all.

When some of our team were made redundant, including me, it came as a relief in some ways. My confidence in my abilty had reached an all time low and indeed I wasn't sure, still aren't, that I should be writing for a living. Silly because I have worked as a copywriter quite happily for years and years.

Although I can't remain a SAHM for ever, I feel more respected now than I ever did in my last company.

Phew - I can say this now I'm not using my PC at work!

Jbr - I don't think having a child is 'stressful', merely exhausting. I am woken up at six, and don't get to bed until at least 11pm. During this period, yes there are times when I am sitting playing with ds, or in town with him and mum, enjoying a coffee. BUT, I do housework while he sleeps, prepare his food after he is in bed (to freeze) etc etc. I don't get time to sleep while he does, despite what all the HVs say. So that is why it is exhausting.

Working would be a rest - you get to sit on your bum all day. Yes, I know it is more stressful, but it is physically less tiring. Having said that, I too would come home to the cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping etc, so perhaps I am better off

My dh is quite good with ds. I do worry about things if I am not there (which incidentally is very rare), but you just have to let them get on with it if you want any time to yourself.

I work part-time and believe me, work is a doddle compared to looking after an active toddler and a baby. Mind you, I suppose it depends on what work you do. I also think that my 3 year old has learnt a huge amount from being at nursery and would be very reluctant to keep him at home now, as I would find it hard to provide as stimulating an environment for him, especially with the baby to care for as well.

It's great to get eveyone's opinions on this.

I agree that work is more stressful that being at home, although I only have DS and he is not even a year yet.

I worked part-time and for me it was very stressful, because I loathed it so much and was taking my hatred out on DS and DH.

I am much happier now that I am out of that particular environment and I know that I am extremely lucky to have DH who can support us until I qualify for my career change.

For me, it's comimg to terms with losing my financial independance and what that represented rather than 'I'm embarassed to be a mum'.

This has been a really interesting thread for me. I am glad other people feel the same way as I do.

I used to have a ?good? job. Loads of pressure, international travel etc. I was miserably unhappy but you can?t have everything.

Now I have dd (7 mo) and have to decide about returning to work part time. In my absence complete w***r has taken over as boss which is very disheartening. The fact is I hated my job ? why then is it so hard to just walk away from it? My dh and I can manage financially for a couple of years until we complete our family ( I am trying to get pregnant at the moment).

I guess my fears are:

1. If you take 3 years off work you will never work again.
2. I will turn into a dull needy housewife and inevitably end up drinking big tumblers of gin.

I come from that generation/class of women who were supposed to be superwomen and am finding it hard to admit defeat. That?s how it feels.

Monnie, I hate to admit it but I am embarrassed to be a mum. How do you get over this?

Ishbel

Try not to think of it as giving up a job, but more as you finding a vocation that allows you the freedom to spend time with loved ones and see them grow.

DW gave up work (not a high paid job mind you but it was important to her) and is now more active socially and at home due to DD arriving. She is loving it.

Ishbel at the large tumblers of gin!

I know what you mean, but IMO it's not defeat to stop work to look after your child/ren if that is what you want to do (and if you're lucky enough to be able to afford it).

What saved me from the large tumblers of gin was making friends with other SAHMs. I have friends who were accountants, engineers, teachers etc but are now at home with children. We get some intellectual stimulation from each other and we don't only talk about our children. We go for nights out sometimes or have each others children over to play for an afternoon to give each other a break.

I do sometimes resent the fact that because I'm at home I end up doing the majority of the housework, cleaning, shopping etc (when a nanny would only be responsible for the childcare) but hey, I generally have a nice life and only sometimes explode at dp about how I feel stuck in the 50's and does he think I get paid enough to do all this, Hmmm??!!!

Also, I'm going back to work in Sept after nearly 5 years of not working so it is possible to get a job once you've been out of the market for a while. It's rubbish money, although that's as much to do with where I now live (instead of London) as being away for this time I think.

Do you have to make a decision yet? Could you go back and see how you feel? Would it mean that you were entitled to maternity benefits for your second if you went back for a while? Good luck, you're not alone.

I could do with a large tumble full of gin, now I recovered from this morning's hangover.

Ishbel

I wish I knew the answer to the question of not being embarrssed.

I'm not because I knew that being a mother would have the 'wearing trackie-bottoms' days. What I didn't realise was that I would feel initially so down about givng up - despite that fact that hated it so much(you can tell how much I hated it by the fact that I always mention that point!!!)

Maybe you feel like you've lost 'you'. But seeing as you planning on going back part-time , you'll be 'you' again.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy it more than I did!

When I said 'giving up' I meant work, not motherhood!

My last job was a bit of a pisser. I certainly felt undervalued. Why I quit.

Certainly no praise or recognition on offer where I work (except the pay packet of course). I don't think this is especially uncommon.

Without doubt, the only area in my life where praise is forthcoming is for my efforts at home. I most definitely carry the burden of our domestic chores (doing all the cooking,laundry, food shopping etc etc) but my husband is very appreciative of my efforts. He works longer hours than I do, has to entertian clients at least once a week and I have Fridays off. So the way I look at it, I either shoulder the burden or our weekends together as a family get eaten away by tedious jobs. Perhaps though if I gave up work, he would take my efforts for granted.

Pamina, look at my earlier message here and you'll see you're not alone. I found it really soul destroying, but the wage packet, and some great colleagues, helped ease the pain.

I'm still perplexed as to why men just go to work no dilemma, no expectation that they shouldn't and no hassle if they do. On the surface, I see no reason at all why men can and do go to work when they have children - sometimes overseas - and nobody says a word, and yet the media, and some women, think it should be either/ or for women.

I would never advise anyone to give up work altogether. I've jacked in the switchboard training I was doing - hated it - but I'm still doing occasional days. Mind you that's to keep a roof over our heads but even so, you know what I mean.

I'm listening to Metro Radio over the Internet and an advert has just been on for Envisage (a work recruitment company I think) and it's for part time vacancies. The woman said "still work and have time for your family" - the implication being if you work full time, you don't have time for your family ! And then it said at the end "work opportunities for busy mums".

I'm astounded.

I'm still perplexed as to why men just go to work no dilemma, no expectation that they shouldn't and no hassle if they do. On the surface, I see no reason at all why men can and do go to work when they have children - sometimes overseas - and nobody says a word, and yet the media, and some women, think it should be either/ or for women.

I would never advise anyone to give up work altogether. I've jacked in the switchboard training I was doing - hated it - but I'm still doing occasional days. Mind you that's to keep a roof over our heads but even so, you know what I mean.

I'm listening to Metro Radio over the Internet and an advert has just been on for Envisage (a work recruitment company I think) and it's for part time vacancies. The woman said "still work and have time for your family" - the implication being if you work full time, you don't have time for your family ! And then it said at the end "work opportunities for busy mums".

I'm astounded.

Whoops, double posting. It's a shame we can't delete here.

Whenever the 'having it all' debate rages, one thing always seems clear. You can have work and a family, but what's very difficult in that situation is also to have some time for yourself. Jbr, speaking personally, if I worked full time I would not have enough time to care for my four kids, because I would be on the edge of exhaustion.

I agree with jbr about the giving up work altogether (that is if you WANT to work!).

There are many women out there who are quite happy to give up work to raise their children full-time and there's nothing wrong with that.

Personally, I'm going to be doing voluntary work as part of my career change and am looking forward to it. However, I am quite prepared to temp if we really need the cash (thankfully not yet).

Also, this having it all does not really exist, as most of us know. When you read about these 'Superwomen' they have outside help, ie housecleaners, live-in nannies, which is fair enough.

However, all the mums I know who work have to do everything themselves and something inevitably gives - either you go part-time for 'not so challenging' work or you work full time and struggle to find time for yourself.

Argghhhhh!

Batters, can I ask you a question - you don't have to reply - when you started your new and better job, did you feel immediately more fired up and enthusiastic about your work? I hope and believe that my 'soul' has only been 'destroyed' temporarily. When I too find that better job I'm hoping I will feel happier about my career again.

Just wanted to give a bit of hope, I have now been in my current job for almost a year, working 3 days a week. Everyone is great here and My Boss is very good at showing his appreciation. Dd is starting school in September and my Boss even asked if I would prefer to switch to 5 shorter days to fit in with school hours!! As sometimes the workload demands longer hours he is even going to by a laptop so I can work from home if I prefer. I do understand how soul destroying work can be having been there myself as the 'part timer' until I was made redundant 12 months ago in retrospect the best thing that could have happened. I just hope that attitudes change sooner rather than later for everyone else.