Employer has refused informal request for flexible working

[Wharm14]

I've returned to work full time (reluctantly due to finances) after maternity leave and have been juggling childcare by working four days a week and taking one day a week holiday. My husband is currently not working after finishing studying and so far hasn't been able to get a job, he looks after our 16 month old DS one day a week and DS is in nursery the other three, because my husband was at college two days a week and needed to study on the other day. We need to give four weeks notice to drop nursery days and we are desperately hoping DH has a job to then.
My lovely boss approved holiday one day a week until the end of our holiday year in July but he has sadly got a new job and I had to apply for flexible working with my new boss, who is also new to the company so has no context of what has happened previously.
I sent an exploratory email to my new boss requesting a discussion about flexible working, outlining my request to do compressed hours, 4 days in 5, using my four hour daily commute to make up the other day. He met me today and told me he's spoken to HR and been advised I can't do this due to H&S and data protection reasons. I accepted this in the meeting but went away and found out that there are very clearly only 8 reasons hey can refuse a request and these two aren't on the list!
Does anyone have any advice how I tackle this without ticking off my new boss?
I need to work full time for the money but if DS has to do four days in nursery that will kill us financially. DH's response earlier was that he would look after DS and get a part time job but I'm hoping the other mummies on here understand why that pisses me off too and that DH needs to step up..... but thats probably a whole other thread!

Sorry to hijack, just to say that anyone using a public, open WiFi would be well advised to use a vpn service, to keep your data private. There are now loads available and very simple to install.

I imagine most organisations providing 'work' laptops and mobile devices will already have these included, but encourage you to check with them, just in case. Really simple, if you need to google your your use. They can have lots of useful side effects too, so worth looking at.

It's perfectly reasonable for your employers to have a general policy that time spent working on trains can't count towards your official hours for data protection and H&S reasons and that's an entirely separate question to the flexible working timings issue.

If you and DH are able to work from home - this solution worked for us to reduce the need for nursery by one day:

The days we were both in the office obviously dc was in nursery for the whole day. On our Working from Home days dc was only booked into nursery for the afternoon - saving two half days. We each had a fun morning with a regular activity we went to, and would then drop off dc at nursery at lunch time and go home and buckle down to work. The full day working from home would obviously stretch to 9 or 10pm as it started so late, so the other parent would be flying solo for nursery pickup, supper and bed time.

DH's response earlier was that he would look after DS and get a part time job but I'm hoping the other mummies on here understand why that pisses me off too and that DH needs to step up..... but thats probably a whole other thread

Yeah it probably is a whole other thread but I find your phrasing here a bit sexist. I shall await the other thread with interest if you decide you want to debate the point.

Sorry to hijack, just to say that anyone using a public, open WiFi would be well advised to use a vpn service, to keep your data private

A number of train operators have their free WiFi set up to block access via vpn because the use of a vpn blocks their ability to block misuse of their WiFi with Pornographic or otherwise unsuitable content.

*"DH's response earlier was that he would look after DS and get a part time job but I'm hoping the other mummies on here understand why that pisses me off too and that DH needs to step up..... but thats probably a whole other thread"

Yeah it probably is a whole other thread but I find your phrasing here a bit sexist. I shall await the other thread with interest if you decide you want to debate the point.*

Me too. Sounds a perfectly valid solution - you continue as you are, he gets a part-time job and covers the child-care. What's the problem?

Because that's not what mummies and daddies do

Because I'm not a full time working mother through choice or design but rather by necessity and I didn't have a child to then dump him in childcare 5 days a week or have his dad stay home and look after him. An unfortunate turn of circumstances have led to this which wasn't planned or our fault.
Frankly I'm stunned by some of the responses on here, especially when I've clearly stated that I haven't given all the facts due to it being too outing.
Nice to know us "Mum's" can't stick together and be slightly more empathetic to each other, cheers.

Nice to know us "Mum's" can't stick together and be slightly more empathetic to each other, cheers

If you just wanted people to say your unreasonable request was reasonable and agree with you then you should have said that in your OP. It's not about empathy. You have had good realistic advice.

Well someone has to work to support the family. At the moment it's you, through circumstance rather than choice - I get that.

However, the other parent is perfectly capable to staying at home too to provide childcare. He isn't, again through circumstance rather than choice by the sound of it, in a position to be the main bread-winnner.

Obviously circumstances may change and he gets a full time job that financially enables you to go part-time.

I guess most working parents have to accept that there is a compromise to be made somewhere between children in childcare and being able, financially, to support the family.

I think your best bet is to formally apply for 80%.

But most people work through necessity don't they? Very few people work for the sheer joy of it and would continue to do so if they won the lottery.

Anyway, at my work you would be laughed out of the place for suggesting that work done on your commute could replace work done at, you know, work (or home at least). They would support compressed hours though, you just have to do the hours at work. Can you look at that?

I'm also not sure why you are so opposed to your DH doing the childcare until he gets a job and then revisiting the issue. But equality is important in my relationship in a way that it doesn't seem to be in yours.

I don't get it OP, if your DH is unemployed why doesn't he do all the childcare bar the nursery time you've already committed to, and you stay full time?

Because we don't dump our babies in childcare and daddies don't do what mummies do.

This thread has really fucked me off, actually.

Jeez, is it 1957 still?

Please call ACAS for advice, they are very helpful.

0300 123 1100. Monday to Friday 8am-6pm.

Nice to know us "Mum's" can't stick together and be slightly more empathetic to each other, cheers.

Funnily enough being a mum doesn't mean you have to agree with every other mum!.

FWIW both my old work place and my DH workplace certainly wouldn't have agreed to your suggestion either.

I honestly can't think of anywhere that would.

You'd be better asking for a day working from home. If that's doable.

MN is great for no-nonsense, realistic advice.

It is not great for unconditional "Aw hun that's awful" support, if that is what you're after.

It's unfortunate you're in circumstances where you're the breadwinner and would prefer your DH to do that. Life is like that sometimes, but it makes no difference to how reasonable your employer is being, or to whether trying to negotiate working some of your contractual hours on a commuter train was realistic or sensible.

"EvelynWardrobe

I don't get it OP, if your DH is unemployed why doesn't he do all the childcare bar the nursery time you've already committed to, and you stay full time?'
He has a penis

I had a spell of working full time while DH worked part time and looked after DC the rest of the time, it was fine. So I'm afraid I don't understand why it pisses you off. As for "dumping in childcare" - really? That's pretty derogatory to childminders and nursery staff. What does your DH actually want to do? What would you want to do if he found a full time job?

I agree with others that being paid to work on a train seems pretty unreasonable, it's one thing if you are travelling on business but not as part of your commute if you are normally office-based. I'd suggest asking for a 4 day week and your DH get a part tine job.

I find it difficult to imagine any employer agreeing to a staff member using their commute as 'work time'

Think about how your colleague's will view this!

You are in a position to earn a full time salary. Your DH is not. As a partnership, I can't fathom why you resent your DH being a SAHD or part-time SAHD in order to keep childcare costs down and to avoid 'dumping the child in childcare'. How offensive to other parents who make difficult choices and use childcare through necessity. And how disrespectful of your DH.

Mummies on this site are generally supportive to an amazing level. They are also realists and pragmatic in suggesting solutions and calling out sexism.

Having worked full time, with a long commute by train, and requested flexible working the past, I would agree with your employer and turn down your request based on the fact that you want to make up hours on the train.

Work on the train isn't the same as work in the office/at home. You can't be on the phone discussing work business, you can't be talking to customers, you can't work on anything sensitive in case you're overlooked.

I manage a team who all do different flexible working, and I'm really supportive of it. I have people who work 5 days in 4.5 days, people who work two days per week from home, people who work term time, and everyone is on flexi and so comes in/leaves within generous limits. There are two things I won't agreed to - one is working from home while in sole charge of a child and the other is counting commuting time as work time. Those two things are not a fair deal for the business, so I won't agree to them.

You sound quite hard work & very blinkered in your outlook Op - your boss really wasn't being unreasonable in declining your request at all.

I didn't have a child to then dump him in childcare 5 days a week or have his dad stay home and look after him

You have no more right to be a SAHP than his dad does. He is equally both of your children.

Op we arent all going to agree that your employer was wrong or that your dh shouldnt be a sahd, just because we are all mothers.

We are all people. Different people. Being a mother doesnt change who we are.

Honestly i find it odd that you are so against him being pt but think its your right. I also think that you can not expect someone to follow the formal route when you asked informally.

An employer will not want to start a flood of people asking to reduce their hours and make them up on the commute. Once they do it for you it opens them up to having allow others. The reasons for not wanting this have been stated so I wont go through it again.

Yesterday 19:07 WyfOfBathe

You have no more right to be a SAHP than his dad does.

This. I lost any sympathy for you OP when it became apparent that you feel entitled to work part time and that you don't want your child's father providing care for him