Stuck between a rock and a hard place...

[wobblyknicks]

Hate coming on here to moan but I will anyway...

I really want to go back to work p/t because I enjoy working (as much as you can enjoy it!!), I want a reason to get out of the house more, I would be financially much better off and could afford to move out of my parents.

BUT all the childcare stuff is basically doing my head in!! I get nervous whenever I leave dd, like to go shopping for an hour, and really miss her. I think if I left her with someone I knew I could trust, that I could get over that though. But deciding on childcare is a nightmare at the moment, and I have even started looking for a specific place yet so that might be another huge hassle.

I've more or less decided that I don't want my parents to register as childminders and look after dd, for many reasons. But they've basically set their hearts on it and I don't know when or how to tell them that its not what I want. And then I'm left with choosing between a childminder or a nursery. Most of the childminders round here don't get much praise so it seems a better option to go for a nursery. But the mothering paranoia has truly settled now and it keeps going round in my mind that no-one will give her the care and attention I do and that it won't be good enough.

It doesn't really seem worth going to work sometimes if there's going to be this many problems - any advice?

And to top it all, I've managed to post this thread twice!!!

Hi WK - am in exactly the same boat so will be watching thread with interest

I also hate to leave ds (even with his dad, tbh) and really dislike the idea of him going to a nursery. I've only visited one so far, and the staff were nice enough, but all the babies seemed to just be sitting around not really being played with etc - the staff member who was with them was not really interacting IMO - rather put me off. I think I would prefer a childminder from that point of view but that still makes me nervous and I feel there is less comeback if things do (god forbid) go wrong. It is a total nightmare, isn't it?

FWIW I do think it has got to be worth going back to work if it's what you want. I am desperate to get out of the house and earn some money for the same reasons as you. Is it rude to ask why you don't want your parents to look after dd? Sorry, not much advice and lots of rambling as usual but you are not alone!

could you 'split' the childcare between childminder/nursery and parents?

wk
I think we all go through this. You need to decide whether the benefits of going back to work are going to outweigh the downsides. Someone said to me when I went back to work (dd was 10 months) that it's much much harder for you than it is for them and it'll take about 3 weeks for them to settle in. That turned out to be about right. I did feel nervous about it, but I really really needed to get back to work and as a result I enjoy my time with dd much more now.

I think you need to take it a step at a time....you first need to work out the finances. That will have a big influence on whether you decide to leave your child with your parents or not. My childcare costs £35 a day, then add in your travelling costs to and from work and any other costs (lunch, work clothes, etc).

You then need to think about what sort of care you think your dd needs - how old is she? Does she need/want stimulation all day, or not. How does she cope with lots of other children around? Is she quite clingy? Eventually she'll probably go to nursery anyway - could this be a good time for her to be with your parents? Particularly if you're trying to get money together to move out.

If you do decide to go the childcare route, you can find childminders and day nurseries on www.childcarelink.gov.uk. Visit a few to get a feel for the place. With childminders, look for an untidy (but not unclean!) house, and find out how many other children she looks after. You might also want to find out about the sort of activities they do, and how much TV is allowed. I don't know about nurseries - maybe another mnetter will help you with that.

It is a huge thing to sort out, and difficult to time too. Good luck!

Thanks mm - its always nice to know someone's in the same boat as you!! I definitely do want to go back to work, there's so many advantages but feel exactly the same about nursery/childminders. It sounds snobby butI instinctively feel that the nursery won't give her enough individual attention and the childminder won't be qualified/regulated enough - nightmare isn't it!!

I don't mind telling you why I don't want parents to look after her but its a long story!! My mum is good with dd but very set in her ways and I can see there's be some arguments about the way I want things done, and I'd feel nervous about trusting her to do things my way. Also, because my mum has her own business and my dad has a job he hates, I suspect that most of the caring would fall to my dad and my mum would try and keep working. That has many problems;

I love my dad to bits but he is one of the grumpiest people you could meet, and often acts like a kid himself. That's ok if you're an adult and can deal with it but its not what I want for dd obviously!!! I want her to be able to be the kid, and have someone looking after her who can act adultly. I also don't want her picking up his negativity. Atm she's one of the cheeriest happiest babies I've ever seen (I'm not trying to boast, its just how I feel) and it would break my heart if she lost that. And the older she gets the more she'll pick up on and his depressed attitude gets me down on a good day, so I just imagine what it could do to a child. Also he has a lot of health problems which I don't feel very sympathetic to because he doesn't help himself, and he won't be able to be as active with her as I'd like. Lastly, he was away at work a lot when my mum was bringing me and my sis up so he hasn't got any big experience with babies IMO.

Sorry for the essay!!!

boudicca - I couldn't really because at least one of them would have to give up work to do it so they'd need to do all the childcare for the moeny to make it worth their while.

lalaa - thanks for all that advice. The money would be the same in either case (might be slightly cheaper at nursery), because parents would have to be paid in order to do it. It would work out better financially for me to work, and would also help with other things like a mortgage eventually. DD is 12 months and tends to play happily by herself and loves to watch what other people are doing but doesn't necessarily have to join in. She's also fairly active and fearless with it so she'd need careful supervision else she'd get herself into danger!!!

Hi WK,
I think I've bored you with my situation once before, but just to recap. My Parents and PIL take it in turns to take DS for one day a week.

Am I right in thinking your parents are part-time? Can you not work it so that just take DD when they are not working for say 1 day or two morning/afternoons a week? Would you still have to pay them?

The nursery/CM debate has been thrashed out on many other threads, but in IMHO DS gets just as much attention at nursery and they do tons of stuff. I get a report sheet every day and he has usually done at least 5/6 of the 20 things listed. Stuff like

Messy play (chalking, painting sticking bits of paper, glitter, sand etc on a paper shap)
Singing
Sensory room
Outside play
Treasure chest
Rattles

and loads more. Bear in mind he is only 10 months!!!

They have a staff ratio of 1 to 3, as do most CMs, so in actual fact I don't think there would be much difference in the individual attention they get. Don't forget if a CM is making food or changing a nappy then there is no one else to give the baby attention.

But then my DS is not a clingy baby and loves cuddles from just about anyone. I'm sure there are lots of MNers who will swear by CMs. They both have there pros and cons so you just have to work out what's best for you and DD.

BR

It takes quite a while to become a childminder where I live,perhaps you could use this as an excuse to your parents?

Thanks br (you're not boring me at all - you're a great help). I am definitely leaning in the direction of a nursery rather than CM but naturally all the horror stories stick in your head better than the happy stories!! DD isn't clingy either so that might be good. She's clingy in the sense that she always wants 'someone' there to pay her attention but she couldn't care less who that person is.

My parents are p/t strictly but have very funny hours which would make it impossible to share care. My dad starts work quite early in the morning and doesn't finish until about 4 - the nature of his job means he has a long 'day' - where he's not at home, but he'll get a couple of hour-long breaks so he's only actually doing p/t hours. Hard to explain but its just the nature of his job. And my mum works for herself doing aromatherapy but she does it from a hotel, who get the clients, so she doesn't control her hours much. So my dad would have to quit his job or my mum would have to drastically cut her hours to be able to be free for dd.

boudicca - we've looked into it and apparently it takes about 6 weeks and is described as 'relatively easy' (the council isn't too hot down here) - but even if dd had to go to nursery while waiting for parents to register, they still would and expect dd to go to them when they'd finished.

I think maybe you're going to have to be tough and not too honest! in telling them of your decision-maybe you could say that you want to prove to yourself how independant you can be? and that your Dd will have them in her life as well as all of these new people.

Also forgot to say, there's so many little ideas I have about parenting that I know my parents wouldn't agree with and probably wouldn't respect, whereas a nursery would have to respect them. Such as;

I don't want anyone smacking dd in any way, shape or form - whereas parents wouldn't think twice about a slap on the hand or a (gentle) smack on the bum.

I don't want any 'negative' words applied to dd (other people on here describe it better than I can) - but my parents don't get it and think nothing of (affectionately) calling dd 'naughty' or 'monster'.

...and loads more 'little' things like that that when added up are really important to me

Would it do any good to suggest that it would be better to go the nursery/CM route in case the job didn't work out and you wanted to be SAHM again - you wouldn't want them to give up work and be without a job.

boudicca thanks - I think you're totally right, I am going to have to take a harder line about it. My main point up to now has been I want dd to have to social interaction but my parents basically treat that as a joke and say it's not important at her age.

Thanks iota - that's a good point (why didn't I think of that!!!)

I do think the whole issue of Gp's looking after kids can be quite fraught,everyone has their own way of doing things and Gp's often think they know best,just because they've done it before!
(I have offered to childmind for my Dd1,but I could quite understand her fears that I might take over)

Yep, thanks boudicca. My parents keep acting like because they've had 2 and I'm only on my first one, that I can't cope and they can do everything better. Plus, because I'm so much younger than my sister, they still think of me as 'the baby' and so naturally I can't do anything myself and don't deserve any respect.

ello wobbly

difficult situation - how to tell parents without offending them

I guess the easiest way would be to tell them that you think a nursery would be better for dd because she'd be able to mix with other children and there would be more activities for her to do, that way you're not casting aspersions on their suitability as carers for dd

or you could go down the honesty route and explain to them that whilst you love them dearly, you have different ideas about how you want your dd to be brought up, and feel that it would be too much of a compromise to expect them (mum and dad) to put their own ideas to one side in order to do it your way

the latter option would be more difficult but might result in your relationship with your parents going to a new level of understanding and respect where they see you more as an adult in your own right?

whatever you do, stand firm about how you want your dd to be looked after while you're at work - it'd be awful to cave in to your parents to avoid hurting their feelings and end up feeling unhappy and resentful about their methods of looking after dd

excellently put Sm !!

Hi spacey (haven't talked to you for agesssss). Thanks, think I'll have to start with the diplomatic reasons and shove in some honesty bit by bit!! One thing that helps is that my sister is definitely on my side about it but she's away for a month now!!! I will have to bite the bullet and put my foot down rather than leave myself stressed about it all the time.

Yep - very excellently put (as always)

Wobblynicks - just remember that the stories you hear here about nursery/childminders are the bad stories. I don't think I've ever had need to mention this here, but I love my childminder - she genuinely cares about my two DS's and they are happy to see her in the morning - the biggest test I think. We treat each other with respect and don't take each other forgranted. I'm sure there are plenty of others with the same opinion of their nursery/CM or there'd be no-one working. You seem to have written it all off before trying it.

I think you should at least give it a go - you'll find that you've been stressing over nothing. At the end of the day once your DD is happy the other details shouldn't matter too much. If it doesn't work out what have you lost? If your parents mind DD and it doesn't work out then you'll be under a lot more pressure to keep working.

Definitely agree with boudicca on GPs doing things their own way. This is why we've stuck to one day alternate weeks. I give them a plan for the day, but they don't tend to follow it very strictly. As MIL says: 'Spoil him? Isn't that what GPs are for?' Which is fine for one day a week but no more nor as primary carer IMHO.

They did offer to do more, and our excuse was that they have raised their children and now deserve to be free from the reponsibility. If they want to go on holiday etc. than they should be able to without worrying about who's looking after DS. With one day a week DH and I can cover them.

BR

Thanks everyone!

eefs - I know the stories on here are the worst of the bunch and I definitely haven't written off nurseries/CM's - just feeling rather nervous about it all!! I'd certainly be happy to give it a go, my major stress isn't really the nursery/CM, just my parents.