Feel like I'm the only full-time working Mum in the whole wide world.......

[AnAngryRegular]

This is really beginning to get me down, so I thought I'd share it to see if I can at least get the collective wisdom of Mumsnet to cheer me up....

Here's the low down:

• I work full-time and have always done.
• I mostly enjoy my (local, well-paid) job, but obviously have good / bad days.
• DH used to work in a similar situation to me (big company, well-paid) but gave it up two years ago to work in a small business, then this year set up his own company.
• DH's company is not yet making any money, so I am major breadwinner. Meanwhile, he is eating into our (he says "his" ) savings at the rate of £2k a month.
• DS1 starts school in September and over the last few months I've become really angry and bitter with DH that I won't be around to spend time with DS1 after school etc. I've realised that subconsciously I'd always assumed that by the time he started school I would at least be working part time, or actually be setting up my own, more flexible business to accomodate school hours.
• Meanwhile ALL my friends have now given up work (last one this week) and are, of course, making plans for the kids for the summer etc etc. Poor old DS1 will be stuck in nursery almost until he starts school in Sept
• I can't help feeling angry with DH, as I feel he has created this situation. We are arguing constantly about it, and I have asked him to commit to achieving a certain level of income by Xmas, or pack it in and get a 'proper job'. He just says I'm unsupportive and that he IS trying to do the best for our family. I just can't help feeling that he's just taking advantage of me. Although he does help with childcare etc, he is hopeless when it comes to organising school stuff/ the kids social life etc. Already I have had to take all the responsibility for school admissions/ visits, and undoubtedly will have to sort out uniform etc. I'm dreading it once school starts, I just can't see how we are going to juggle everything. What's even worse is that all the other parents assume that I work full time out of choice because DG is too proud to say that he isn't making any money, so I get all the sarky comments too. I feel really trapped and pissed off.... help!

I know how you feel to an extent. i don't work full time - four days a week but it feels like full time. i have to sort out ds's things morning and night and i buy most of the extra's we want. my dh gives me a set amount each week as he cannot afford anymore. He gets paid more than me though! we have no savings so live week to week. that suits us as if we had savings we would waste it. perhaps you could spend the next few months putting money aside secretly and then reduce your hours and live off your "joint savings" once the "joint money" runs low and dh thinks there is no more then he will have to do something! or his bills won't get paid! however, you will have a little extra in case of emergencies>

That sounds miserable AAR. I would hate to have all the responsibility that you have and be trapped in a job.

Do you think your DH will make money with his business? In what timescale? Perhaps he feels that your deadline of Christmas will stop him just before he starts to turn a profit. I think he should commit to a time when he will consider other options if he hasn't started to make a profit, or consider other options when savings drop to a certain level. Perhaps if you tell him that it's not that you don't believe in him but you're worried about your job stability or what would happen if you were to fall ill, that way he could feel that he's making contingency plans for the family rather than anticipating the failure of his business.

I haven't had much experience of your situation, although my DH gave up work about 3 months ago to start his own business he had money set aside to support himself, and a contingency plan to take on contract work if he wasn't making money within 6 months. He's also a natural saver rather than spender, so his outgoings have gone down since stopping work. I have noticed that he's been much crankier than usual, I think it's because he doesn't have the companionship of working in an office, and the business is definitely the most important thing in his life at the moment. He has been rationing my computer time so that he can do 'important stuff'.

I assume he has a business plan. When does he project that he will start making a profit? and when will that profit be enough to afford you to leave fulltime work? (assuming that you have agreed this).

Angry - I'm not surprised you are fed up. Some quick thoughts from me before I go home....

• I'm a full time working Mum and the main breadwinner. I would be really unhappy with this if I didn't work two days from home and set my own hours on those days, aldo my dp works part time so he looks after the children two days. Could you do your job more flexibly so you are around for your ds after school a couple of days?

• could your finances cope with you dropping a day, taken over two days as two afternoons for eg? If your ds is no longer at nursery presumably you'll be saving that money? Perhaps you need that breathing space or organisational time.

• I think you and your dp need to sit down and talk about what is best for both of you in terms of work. Why do you feel he has created the situation? Presumably you supported him in his decision to set up on his own? I know from friends who run their own businesses how it overtakes your life to some extent and the only way it can work is if both partners are committed to it. If you don't feel that then it's not going to be successful IMO.

I'm another one who does a full tiem job squashed into 4 days. I'm the account manager so have responsibility and lots to do. My daughter has Down's syndrome so that 5th working day is spent at the hospital having therapy of one sort or the other. My DP is lovley but useless and i do everything including all the forms I have to fill out at the moment for disability living allowance, statementing, disabled badge, ear tests, sight tests, peidro boots and so on and so on, let alone thinking about what she'll eat tomorrow, what she'll wear, what present and card and paper to get for the parties coming up, getting her into another pre-school, going to church so we get her into the main first school we want her to go to. None of my friends have a full time job or work at all actually and they don't have all the special needs stuff to deal with.
Now and then it all gets a bit much and I stand in the kitchen and declare that I'm not cooking or doing another single thing and I get some help for a while. Mostly I don't mind and get on with it and I make the most of my weekends.
I don't feel hard done by or pissed off just very tired and worn out with it all now and then. I'm happy to be working, just wish it wasn't as much but that's the way it is so....

Thanks.
To be honest, it's not really the money bit that bothers me - we actually have a good level of savings - could probably live for two years without either of us working luckily - but obviously I don't want to have to do that.

I think I just resent that this feels like a decision that DH has made, rather than US. When we've talked about it in the past, he talked about how it would provide him with more flexibility so that he could spend time after school with DS1 etc, but now he wants to put him into full-time afterschool club! (Which I don't)

Basically I don't think I'm convinced his business idea is a 'long term' one - more of a short term opportunity, therefore I would be relunctant to give up work as I can't help feeling that one day it (his business) may just disintegrate.

I feel really cheated - as if there was an understanding between us when we got married and had kids (something I wasn't that bothered about at the time) that he would support us in the future. And now he isn't.

And like your DH, Bran, he is less patient/ more cranky than usual. He keeps saying I don't understand how stressed he is, and I just think "what about how stressed I am?".

As an example, I always have to check up on anything he promises to do for the kids - we almost lost our first choice school place because he forgot to send the form in!!
AARGH!

Thomcat - don't know how you do all that with the special stuff your daughter needs too. I do everything at home in terms of organisation too - I'm just better at it than DP and to be honest I wouldn't trust him to do in properly/ on time. It prob takes me five minutes to get a birthday pres for one of the children's freinds - he'd dither about it for an hour.

Fiorocious - he does have a business plan, and he hasn't managed to achieve it - this is one of the things that worries me. he has lots of reasons why it hasn't happened (some valid) but I am just worried that he's becoming unable to 'see' the big picture objectively because he's so drawn into the detail.

Argh! E.g. DH just e-mailed to say that since he was passing a supermarket after his dentist appointment, he got a few 'bits & pieces' of food (bread, cold meat, butter etc) to 'tide us over' until 'we' got some shopping in, since the 'fridge was looking a bit empty...'

jimmychoos - absolutley, I do things myself as I know it's done properly! If he gets her dressed she looks like a gypsy kid and i change her again, if he was to buy a presnet he's buy a plastic toy for £2 in the pikey shop and I'd just go out and get something decent, if he got her food ready it'd be beans on toast so I do it and give her fresh veg etc and so on and so on, so I can't really complain!
Somehow it just all works out and it's how my life is so I don't really think about it. Just now and then i want to shout, and do, 'stop the world i need to get off'! i just try and be organised and fill out forms and make apptointments in my lunch hour etc.

Sorry no advice as such or much cheer, just a 'tell e about it' kind of sympathy.

All I can say is live for the weekend and have some fun, it's what gets me through!

Oh Thomcat - you make me feel guilty wingeing about it now - you have so much more on your plate than I do... How do some people just seem to manage to fit it all in and stay cheerful? I just feel so knackered - maybe I have too great expectations.... I just ahve this rosey view of 'family life' and it just ain't happening right now..

Good for you though - you sound like a fab Mum (and I know you ARE from other threads...
Thanks

I hate to say it AAR, but if your DH is anything like mine then there never was an understanding when you got married. My DH never picks up on anything thats unspoken, so I have to have to say everything. It really helps if I can make it sound business-y, and good for the family as a whole rather than just me, so I lay out a personal 5-year plan with aims and together we work out how to achieve them, rather than just telling him how to change. Also, whenever he has an idea I go through all the good points as well as the bad points, even if its the worst idea I've ever heard and it'll never work I always start with good points and then one or two bad points, followed by a few more bad points the next day.

For instance - DH might get a contract that means that he has work in Chicago for 2 months, and he would earn loads (about my annual salary), possibly starting in a fortnight. But we are trying to adopt and have been offered a little girl who would come to us in mid-August. My first instinct was to say "are you mad, how could you jeopardise the adoption", but what I actually said was "That's a lot of money. Is it good experience, would you learn anything? Will you definitely be back in 2 months, or might they extend the contract at short notice? Will our social worker think we might not be suitable parents after all if your not around?". He's thinking about it.

Oi Angry - you weren't supposed to feel guilty, I just wanted to make you feel that you're not the only one hon' and is hard but what are you gonna do aye? Sometimes I have to plan my week like a military manoeuvre. It's busy and hectic like most mothers lives, maybe a bit more cos we work and maybe a bit more for me cos I have a SN child, BUT, some mothers who have 4 kids but don't have another paid job are just as busy with their school runs and ballet classes pick ups etc!

At the end of the day the grass isn't always greener. If you didn't work you might end up hating being at home, I know I'd miss the office environment and I like the feeling of having the opportunity to miss Lottie while I'm here. I love the feeling of going to pick her up (I do all that too btw!!)

At the end of the day babes my philosophy is - make the most out of it and count your blessings there is always someone worse off then you. And it's true. I felt so down the other night having to fill in these awful disability forms and then realised that I should be bloody lucky I wasn't having to fill out the form for my child with a terminal illness. Soon stopped me feeling sorry for myself I can tell you.

Speak to your husband tell him exactly how you feel and get him to do more in other ways.
Take more time out for you and like I said make the most of the weekend. Get a babysitter and go out and have some fun so you don?t mind the week ahead so much and you always have something to look forward to.

oi - Angry - just seen that your DH went to the supermarket without being asked!!!!!!! Are you trying to make me jealous now or what!!!!!!!
If DP goes it cos he's told to and only ever gets the exact things for that nights meal! As long as he comes home with the main ingrediant - WINE though!!

No your not the only full time working mum ! I work 5 days a week & ds is 3.5. DH has his own business & works from home -but has also now got a regular contract & now earns more than me. But it wasn;t always like that & i was supporting his business in the early days. SOmetimes I get guilty & think I should be at home - but i honestly think I need some sort of work to keep my brain ticking ! It is hard, especially when you come home stressed & grumpy - & I never seem to have much energy. But I do (mostly) enjoy what I do. I've tried for flexible working but what was offered wasn't very flexible ! Luckily DS loves nursery & is quite happy. It's hard though. Just accept that there are good days & bad and try & work as a team. I have to do most of the organising too but at least then i know that it gets done ! Keep smiling AAR

AAR you certainly aren't the only one. Dh is an actor so our lives are always being turned upside down and I have to be the main breadwinner. However on top of working I still do it all in the house. I can totally understand why you feel resentful, I do sometimes as I have to try to make him feel better when somebody doesn't give him the job he wants etc. Fortuneatly he is not eating into savings (not that we have any) and we can live on my salary (just). However we are looking at things to change as it is just not fair on me and the kids, and I wish he would give it up at times. The problem is he doesn't know what else he wants to do. I do feel I have to support him whilst he 'chooses' what he fancys doing, whereas I HAVE NO CHOICE!! However I am lucky that I do enjoy my job. I just wish I could spend a bit more time at the school gates.

Actually ATM dh is working and cannot take the girls to school, and work is v understanding, so I am getting 3 whole weeks of school gates in the morning It is really nice

oooh reallyy crunch?
does he do stage or film?

Do you think this is maybe how a lot of men feel a lot of the time? Not being provocative, this thread has just made me wonder.

Oo thats a deep one Tinker! I suppose it goes back to tradition. Women supposedly having a choice between work or kids. I expect over time more men will swap roles. When I first went back to work baby was 5 months old & DH split his time between working from home & looking after baby. We were then gradually able to add more nursery time until it became 5 days a week. Seemed less traumatic all round. The thing is i assume men don't feel guily about going to work - unlike women

Tinker, I think a lot of them are affected by the stress of the unspoken assumption that they will provide and if one parent is to work part-time, it is generally the woman. But, I am not sure that the frustration that AAR and others with similar problems with their partners is something that many men experience on a regular basis.

AAR, I don't have any sensible advice but do sympathise. Also, I think your ds is likely to have a great summer with his friends at the nursery but I do take the point that you probably want to spend lovely long summers in the garden/park/day trips etc with him rather than being at work whilst he is at nursery.

Sis - not being unsympathetic at all to AAR's problems - sorry if I came across that way. Was just pondering.

Tinker, I didn't mean to imply that you had come across as unsympathetic - I was just trying to distinguish between the stress of being the breadwinner and the frustration of having a partner who does not seem to take any resposibility in running the household. Many men probably relate to the stress of being a breadwinner 'cos of social conditioning etc but a lot of them don't seem to contribute to the smooth running of the household so don't feel the frustration that a lot of women feel about that aspect.

Sorry, I am going around in circles but I didn't think you were being unsypathetic, I was just trying to respond to what I thought was an interesting point that you had raised.

I think you've put your finger on it... it feels so bloody unfair that as well as being the breadwinner we are still completely responsible for all the traditional mummy stuff running the household, remembering birthdays etc. etc. as well. I want to do the mummy stuff that means looking after my ds ? I work full time so time with him is precious ? but I don't to be solely responsible for an unnoticed and unappreciated junior admin role at home as well. I just don't believe there are many men out there who automatically take on the boring household stuff as well as being the breadwinner.
Don't know how to change it though...
The stuff about doing things yourself because your partner/husband doesn't do it as well has been flagged up as a danger area though; you get left with a never-ending to-do list because you don't let him get on with it. I guess it's about weighing up how much it would irritate you if your partner didn't do it to your standards/timescale at first. Maybe if we let them get on with it they'd get faster/better? Or maybe they do it badly/slowly because they know mummy will take over and relieve them of the responsibility?

aar, you are certainly not the only one. my dh is extremely useful though (most of the time). however, it has taken years of - ahem - "training" (read nagging, crying etc ) to get to state of affairs where he can be completely trusted to do most household stuff. there is a downside though, the more confidently he can undertake those kind of things, the more alienated i feel from the household

i still feel a lot of "management" responsibility for ensuring things get done at home or that we make the appropriate life steps, e.g. we have just moved, left to dh, we'd still be renting our one bed flat... another e.g. it took a lot of prodding to get us moving on schools for ds. so i still feel quite a "burden" of household responsibilities.

do men feel the same way? good question. i think not for the reasons sis mentions - it's culturally the norm for them to be the provider/breadwinner and also culturally the norm to work v. long hours to do it - there just isn't the expectation on them to spend time at home in the same way. i also agree that many/most working mothers (based on what i read on mn anyway) take the lion's share of the domestic responsibilities - so they have more to cope with.

sorry that is not much help for your situation, aar. reading your post though, it seems to me that your most urgent issue is not working f/t or not - it is the feeling of having been let down by your partner, feeling trapped etc.

i can only suggest you sit down with him and go through the practicalities v. carefully - when you would like to reduce your hours, when he expects to start making more money from his business and present the figures in black and white. perhaps at least that will suggest a natural time limit on the situation.

another thing i recommend (i did this last autumn/winter when i too was feeling very trapped and miserable in the situation) is to go through all your household expenses and trim them back to the bone - then work out how much (if at all) would you have to work to meet them, taking your dh's contribution into account? i was amazed by what i found! i decided that i didn't want to have to live on so little, so would keep on working - but the big difference was i felt i had made a choice so it didn't feel like being trapped so much any more. i also went through all the advantages of working and thought i would be mad to quit! paid holiday, pensions, health benefits, time away from ds

the other aspect to work on is your resentment of the situation. if you can't sort it out using the practical measures above, i suggest counselling (relate or something) which could help you both resolve your "issues" about the current situation and work out a plan in a non-threatening environment.

good luck

ps - the other think i hate about being the b/winner sometimes is that due to pay inequality, the chances are my family is getting less that if my dh were working in the same field. the average discrepancy in the city is a staggering 40%!!!

Another one here. I work full time and in a pretty stressful environment. DP works four days a week and has the option to work from home, and his office is quiet etc. etc. On his day off DP has set up a business which has no intention of ever making any profit - in fact his business plan makes it clear that it is more likely to use up his savings. We now earn exactly the same - me for working my butt off 60 hours a week, him for his four days. Plus I run the house - sometimes I feel like the only adult there! So I do feel how you feel quite a bit!

I don't know if this helps, but I have found a couple of ways to deal with it. Firstly, I am immensly proud of how I run the house. I am prone to feelings of "if I didn't do it, it wouldn't be done right." And they do get me down. But I try to think instead about what an achievement it is that I can keep such a happy, clean and organised home in the face of adversity! Secondly, I did resent his business. Although they are his savings as we keep seperate savings, when it comes to buying new furniture we are having to hold off right now (and sit at the dinner table on chairs that collapse regularly) as his savings are being used up. However, I know that if he didn't have this day off and have his business then he wouldn't have the fulfilment etc. that he needs in order to devote all the time he does to his family at the weekend. He seems to need this space to be himself and do his own thing in order to relax. I need to be with my family in order to relax. So I am glad he has his day off and something to fill it. It means that we can finally be together and make the most of the weekends.

I don't know if this all makes sense. Basically I have tried to see the situation as one that I have choice about. I try to see the positive. But then I can sit here and type all this stuff - quite often I feel trapped and pissed off too!