Feel like I'm the only full-time working Mum in the whole wide world.......

[AnAngryRegular]

This is really beginning to get me down, so I thought I'd share it to see if I can at least get the collective wisdom of Mumsnet to cheer me up....

Here's the low down:

• I work full-time and have always done.
• I mostly enjoy my (local, well-paid) job, but obviously have good / bad days.
• DH used to work in a similar situation to me (big company, well-paid) but gave it up two years ago to work in a small business, then this year set up his own company.
• DH's company is not yet making any money, so I am major breadwinner. Meanwhile, he is eating into our (he says "his" ) savings at the rate of £2k a month.
• DS1 starts school in September and over the last few months I've become really angry and bitter with DH that I won't be around to spend time with DS1 after school etc. I've realised that subconsciously I'd always assumed that by the time he started school I would at least be working part time, or actually be setting up my own, more flexible business to accomodate school hours.
• Meanwhile ALL my friends have now given up work (last one this week) and are, of course, making plans for the kids for the summer etc etc. Poor old DS1 will be stuck in nursery almost until he starts school in Sept
• I can't help feeling angry with DH, as I feel he has created this situation. We are arguing constantly about it, and I have asked him to commit to achieving a certain level of income by Xmas, or pack it in and get a 'proper job'. He just says I'm unsupportive and that he IS trying to do the best for our family. I just can't help feeling that he's just taking advantage of me. Although he does help with childcare etc, he is hopeless when it comes to organising school stuff/ the kids social life etc. Already I have had to take all the responsibility for school admissions/ visits, and undoubtedly will have to sort out uniform etc. I'm dreading it once school starts, I just can't see how we are going to juggle everything. What's even worse is that all the other parents assume that I work full time out of choice because DG is too proud to say that he isn't making any money, so I get all the sarky comments too. I feel really trapped and pissed off.... help!

I work full time and also am away for at least eight nights a month. I have to say it was easier in some respects being a SAHM. My dh expects me to do the lions share of domestic stuff even to getting back from a trip late and asking what I plan to cook.

It is more frustrating than anything and it doesnt matter how much I object. I have to say I love working and would really miss it if I didnt do it as when I was a SAHM I got really low and had lower self confidence.

I think though that the transition to full time working mum has meant that my dh still expected me to do all the things I did when I was at home. It means lots of tears, arguments and constant tiredness but at the same time I also get to have my say over money and running of the house now.

Big group hugs to all who are in similar situations as it is really really hard. I would love a wife!!!!!

And another one here.... I am also the major breadwinner. Also DS is only 10 months, and I work in London, so I spend nearly 3 hours a day travelling so I only see DS for about 45 mins in the morning and an hour in the evening.

I'm missing out on him growing up.

I work from home on Fridays, but our mums take DS for the day (8.30 - 4.30), so I get to see him for a few more hours, but it's really not enough and it breaks my heart sometimes.

I know if we had the money for one of us to give up work, it was make financial sense for it to be DH and not me..... But when I win the lottery, it'll all sort itself out......

All I can offer by way of consolation is you're not alone AAR....

BR

when I went from a fulltime office job to p/t freelance work from home, our income plummetted. My dh loves his job and he can work very flexibly...but...it's very poorly paid for a man of his education and experience. My earnings have dropped by nearly half. But honestly, it's had hardly any effect on our lives. We still drink wine, go on holiday and stuff. I don't buy designer clothes any more (but then I don't get to the shops anymore either!). We don't have savings or much in the way of pensions so I suppose it might be too precarious for some, but it works for us amd we spend a lot of time with ds. As for being expected to cook - well, that just doesn't happen. From the very first day we met I think we've both been very honest about what we wanted out of our lives together (the HUGE advantage of meeting later in life IMO). We agreed on marriage and at least one child very early on in our relationship, on equality in domestic life (true,I do more school/nursery/organising childcare stuff but dh handles most of the bills, which suits me) and sharing the parenting. I'm hope I don't sound too smug - I know I am lucky that we already had a house and that I have the kind of job and experience that lets me freelance from home, but I also think it's amazing what a bloke can and will do if you really make your needs explicit, and if you simply don't do certain things - like get all the shopping and do all the cooking. And how you adjust to less money.

As for AngryRegular, I totally sympathise. I can really understand your resentment. What would you ideally like to happen? Would you like to work p/t or even just drop a day? Then why not start making moves towards that. Talk to your boss about working a four day week or whatever would suit you better. By working so hard you are facilitating your husband's non-earning. I think if you carry on with your plans you might feel better.

Another one here! I work 4.5 days per week and try to be very strict about my 1/2 day off and always work at home on that morning so that I can do the nursery/school drop off.

However, I am not the main breadwinner and hubby is in employment not running his own business which makes things more secure I think.

In many ways I do choose to work but not to would mean a lot of life style changes. This would include moving the children from their private school where they are settled and happy, which does not seem fair to them. But is not having mum at home not fair too???

I also feel that it has taken a lot of work over the years to get my career to the point it is now and I work in an area that would be very difficult to retain that position if I were out of the market for very long.

I'm lucky to be senior enough to have complete control over my working week, but obviously ahve to be sensible about it! This week is the last week of term for my DD and DS and it has been a logistical nightmare trying to fit in sports days, end of term concerts, new school visitations, leaving circles, end of term picnics etc. I just cannot do all of them - and when I can't be there it does really upset me.

DH is very good around the house in that he will do things if you ask him. However, all of the thinking bit is left to me, what to pack for holidays, the packing, the domestic admin, looking for and interviewing nannies, organising all the childrens activities and playdates etc. I just don't think they can cope with the variety of little challenges every day brings. But nevertheless, I am grateful that he can and does put the washing on, sorts out the socks etc.

I think the biggest difference is that I feel in control of my lot, that I do have choices. I really don't think I would feel the same if I had to work just to keep things ticking over. I also know that if I didn;t work we would probably have to move further out from London. This would mean that while I had more time with the children DH would have much less, as he would have a much longer commute. He loves the children as much as I do and is horrified at the idea that they would be in bed by the time he got home in the evening. I think that the children need both of us, and by both of us working reasonably hard we both get to share in the joys of having them.

AAR, I have been thinking about this some more and wondered if it would be possible for you and your husband to have some form of counselling. I realise this may not be possible for you as you just may not have the time but the reason I am suggesting it is because I get the feeling that one of the most frustrating things for you is that you don't feel you are being listened to/heard properly.

When we had counselling, I was astonished at the the impact it had because the presence of that third person really made my husband listen to what I was saying and actually take it in (for once) as opposed to the usual change in behaviour for a week and then back the old behaviour. I really think it would help because your husband also seems to feel that he isn't being listened to (you don't understand the stress he is under type comments).

I'm another mother working f/t outside the home and you have my total sympathy AAR. I manage to smoulder with resentment at dh at times - we both contribute 50% to the household budget as we are fairly senior but averagely paid public sector workers. I have bigger line management responsibility, but a smaller dept IYSWIM, and what really gets me, as it does so many on here, is that it is ME who has to find room in her brain and hours in the day to remember to return forms, sew in name tapes, order weekly shop online, keep the After-School staff batting for us by being extra pleasant and interested, bla bla bloody bla. And stay cheerful and engaged for the children and for dh too. Dh just cruises through it all most of the time, asking where "we" keep the spare bibs etc. When he's not sulking about having no time as a couple, of course.
Agree that not taking over and doing it all by default is a good strategy - but not in high risk situations such as school applications...
Thought Bran's contribution was very interesting, wish I could think so contructively and dispassionately!
AAR, as others have said, you aren't alone, I hope that helps a little bit. Sis is right to suggest some couples counselling might help him properly understand why you feel so unhappy.

AAR - lots of good stuff - but I am worried about your DH's vision of his business - is he geting advisory help with it? Isn't there a small business advisory organisation? (I think our local council runs one). It's a brave move to start a new business, but knowing when to cut your losses and pull out - or alternatively invest and plough on, is the make or break crux. Could you both get management advice so that at least you can both feel you're pulling together and you can be in agreement over his business decisions?
And yes...I'm a full-timer, but do work lots of flexi, and do feel that DP is a 50% partner in our domestic and parenting life. Otherwise, I would find it unbearable - and I sympathise.

Another one working five days a week and yet still completely in charge of shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. What I really hate is always being the last one to arrive home, to find the vultures already circling the dining table, plaintively asking 'what's for dinner?' It is, apparently, impossible for DH to start cooking dinner at the same time as looking after two children, although - if I remember to ring from work - he will put baking potatoes in before I get home! However, I do think that to a small extent I have created these monsters since I believe that no one else can do all the household things as well as me. DH always says that all I have to do is ask and he will do whatever chore I am currently having a nervous breakdown about. The problem with men (sexist comment coming) is that they will never think to clean the kitchen/put a load of washing on, etc, but - if asked - will do it. However, it will be done in their own time and you have to keep your nerve and not rush to do five minutes after you have asked. And it will be done in their own way, not necessarily yours.

One solution to the idea that you are the only person keeping the household going is to go away. I just did, for five days. Went for some 'me' time to a friend's house abroad. Felt guilt for all of five minutes and then she opened the first bottle of wine. They all survived. They ate, they cleaned their own clothes, the house did not look like a total tip, they all stayed up far too late to watch all the football, they bought junk food, they did things I would not allow them to do - and they really appreciated me when I came back!

Libra I think you have hit the nail on the head regarding men not actually thinking about it, but will do it when asked - provided, of course, you don't think about asking when they are actually doing anything else. For instance watching TV or reading or playing on the playstation etc. Actually my DH is totally useless, I ask before going to bed on a Thursday night, would he please take the rubbish out before coming up. He has a go at me for asking him, as 'he knows it is his job'. I wake up on the Friday morning hearing the binmen, and notice (suprise suprise) that our bin bags aren't out When I challange DH, he says 'well what did you expect I was playing on my playstation!!!!' FFS we had a row about it, because I dared ask him, he felt cr*p as I obviously felt the need to remind him, give him a chance etc. He then claimed amnesia I did send him down to the dump - with the kids as punishment

Seems there are a lot of us in this little boat (is it sinking yet? ) I also work full time- not through choice. I don't skip merrily off to work each day, but dread dragging myself off up the motorway. I also do all the "organising" at home, including full & total responsibility for the money, of which there is never enough. DH will do "my" washing if asked, but it won't occur to him to do it otherwise. Or else he does it when he's ready, which could mean 4pm on a lovely sunny day...

Rang him today from work to remind him that ballet class tonight started at 4.15 & had an argument through clenched teeth because he didn't see why he should have to go- it would mean him having to leave home 20 minutes earlier than usual... OK, I'll leave work on a 1/2 day then shall I? I am also at the end of my patience with trying to keep all the balls in the air.

Are we all married to the same man, do you think?!

Sorry to rock the boat on this one, but to add to my post from yesterday, my DH isn't really that bad.

Although he has the brains and I have the common sense, so he won't remember to get something out today for tomorrow's dinner, he does do all his own ironing (which is only work shirts anyway), and will iron work stuff for me if I ask.

He puts washing machine and dishwasher on, hangs clothes out and puts them away, sometimes without me even mentioning it. He doesn't cook, but then I love cooking and it's just too painfull to watch him trying and he takes too long.

So it sounds like, compared to your lot, he's a good boy! Still have to check up on important stuff though, so it still feels like I have total responsibility for everything, but at least if I'm late home from work, I know he'll have steralised and made up bottles etc.

BR

Hiya, me too... I was on retreat this weekend (yay, two days in silence with food provided - bliss!), and spent most of the first day in tears as I came out of the family situation and realised just how much I do and how tired I was. As I put it at the tiem, it feels like I'm doing two full time jobs (being a mother and a minister) - I know ds goes to nursery, but as others have said its the having to hold all this stuff in your head, think about it, plan it that is so stressful. Dh works full time in a long hours job an hour away, and is trying to do a phd in his 'spare time' (ie it isn't happening since he doesn't have any) - he is pretty good reading the rest of the thread, but I work from home so bear the brunt of things. Its just very tiring isn't it? Not at all sure how I'll manage if we have a second child. In fact, one of my friends (a GP) has decided to stick at one for precisely this reason. I'm hoping it gets better in a few years time....

Thanks everyone - some good advice here, and some solace in the fact that I'm clearly not alone on this...

I guess I seem to have extremes of 'good' and 'bad' days when everything seems either manageable, or likely to tip me 'over the edge'

Judging by many of your comments we're probably not doing too badly - DH does realise he has to do his fair share - and like lots of your have said, WILL do it, but it requires a) me to remember that soemthing needs doing in the first place, b) me to ask DH to do it, and c) me to remind DH when it still hasn't been done

We have a great cleaner, so at elast I don't get all the cleaning/ laundry/ ironing (that's the one thing I refused to compromise on, savings wise, if I was going to keep working.

Blu - thanks for your thoughts on DH's business - to be honest, I'm not worried about his ability to properly manage his business - his last job was as a Director for a large European multinational. i think we just haven't communicated enough about what roles we forsee each of us playing in family life.

My company has quite a good flexible working policy so I'm sure that if I asked, I could negotiate different working times etc. However I feel as if onec I do that it will be the 'end of my career' as I have known it, so I have to be sure that that is what I really want.

Anyway - have eliminated one chore that was hanging over my head... went onto the M&S website last night and ordered ALL of DS's required uniform (except the school sweatshirt & PE kit) in one order!! When I mentioned it to DH he started bleating on about "oh - but couldn't you have got it cheaper at Tesco or down in town?" to which I replied "probably yes, but as I am unlikely to find a single moment between now and September when I will be able to go shopping for it, I had made an 'executive decision' to get it sorted!"
(By the way, anyone know where I can get red PE shorts?)

I also work full time and do the majority of the work in the house as well. Although if asked my dh will make dinner or put ds to bed. However my problems come when dh is deployed (hes a soldier)and I am left, often at short notice to do everything and trying to explain to a 2 yr old why daddy hasn't come home yet. The only positive thing thing from deployments is I don't really care if he does nothing in the house as long as he is there.