How to be a successful working mum

[Moomin]

In the light of several recent threads on working parents, I have helpfully compiled a little list for everyone to look at and hopefully gain tips from. Have fun!

1. Remember firstly to breathe in and out as soon as you get up in the morning. If you?re not sure how to do this right, pinch your nose and hold your breath until you pass out. Once you have passed out hopefully your hand will let go of your nose and the airway will be open once more. Congratulations- you?re breathing!

1. Go to bed in your Power Suit so you don?t have to worry about time spent getting dressed. Have your Power Suit laminated on the inside and also on the outside so you won?t have to worry about getting it dirty or inadvertently sweating on it in the night or in High-Powered Power Meetings. Wear a cycle helmet to bed to protect your hair and to keep your hands-free set in place so that you don?t miss any Important Conference Calls. Wear a nappy at all times to save time using the toilet.

1. Keep the children in the car at all times that you are in the house. This saves time when setting out on Nursery or School-Run. It also means that the children aren?t messing up the house or eating any of your food. There are plenty of gadgets these days and in-car entertainment to keep them amused whilst they are in the car. Hire a driver to take them to a Drive-through restaurant twice daily. Get the driver to park on your drive or at least within view of the house so you and your dh can wave to your children through the front room window from time to time.

1. As the children are kept in the car, you should find that there are fewer domestic chores. However, you?re only human, so if the housework does eventually get too much, simply move house.

1. When at work, ask if you can work in a sound-proof booth or, failing that, wear blinkers along with your cycling helmet and hands-free set so that you are not distracted by colleagues who wish to ?chat? about non-work-related issues. Show your boss how dedicated you are by never taking toilet breaks (no need ? you have your nappy) and having any food taken in liquid form intravenously so you do not have to leave your booth.

1. Save time blinking by having your eyelids removed and hire someone to spray your eyes with moisture every so often.

Next week: Which angles are best for Granny to get her lips round the hole in her egg.

Moomin - did ou get this advice from Xenia?
ARE you Xenia?

Moomin - next week please ensure you tell everyone to apply their lips to the right end of the egg. ie the one with the hole. It wouldn't do to suck the wrong end - might get egg all over the power suit. This is very important.

wouldn't matter tho. It is laminated

Great Moomin, Thankyou so much, now I can function at last

lol, by the way is grannys egg cooked or not?

I know where I went wrong now

Does the DH/DP play a part ? Or has he been disposed of

please more people read this, it is so so useful

why fank you. I got the idea from another very very very very very useful thread on the same topic which I found very very very very very useful.

dhs/dps? oh yes I forgot about them. Well I suppose, apart from doing joint waving with you out of your front window to your children sitting in the car on your drive, you could set up a Wireless Broadband Bluetooth Handsfree Conferencing System between rooms so that you can do lots of Heads Up together and Running Things Up the Flagpole and Seeing Who Salutes It and other Very Very Himportnant work-related communcations.

of failing that, you can compare bollocks together as you yourself will have been so Megatastically successful at work, what with not having to bore everyone with Women's things and Mothers' Things in the workplace that you will have sprouted a fine pair yourself.

Very good.

Will definitely come in handy.

Is this the version for people with more than one child then? [saucer of milk]

Fantastic.

Why not go the whole hog and link the kids up to a Matrix style virtual reality chamber? That way you can provide them with exactly the experiences you want, without having to move them from A to B at all, or interact with them at all?

Then at 18, or whatever age they are judged to be self-sufficient enough, you can just unplug them and ask them which pill they want to take.

sorry moomin have a problem with

1. As the children are kept in the car, you should find that there are fewer domestic chores. However, you?re only human, so if the housework does eventually get too much, simply move house.

surely you mean you must employ a cleaner to do the housework? needs must and all that........

hasn't everyone got a cleaner these days?

Brilliant

don't want a cleaner - her part-time status would annoy me too much so unless she was a live-in housekeeper I wouldn't be interested. I need people i can rely on for God's sake!! Don't any of you people realise how Busy and Himportant I am?

Also..put kids in breakfast clubs and after school clubs, start a campaign for longer hours for said clubs with other succesful working mums.
(Ie overnight clubs)

Obviously get driver to drop off and pick up on way from and to drive thru establishments.

Allow grandparents to visit for one hour every Sunday but only allow them to wave at you and dh through window...to save on mess and idle chatter.
Get them to bring thier own coffee in disposable cups, leave bin within easy access of grandparents car. They have the choice of walking up drive or waving from thier own car.

Dont encourage these visits every week because you will be busy with your weekend work load that you will bring home with you. To impress boss and colleagues.

Brill Moomin

very good points Donbean. What about insisting that all grandparents are educated up to at least degree level or have high-flying career behind them if we are to let them mix with our children? We want role models setting good examples during their hour together, not idling whiling away the time?

This is a PRE marriage stipulation moomin....dont be wasting time with a partner who is from lower than perfect live stock.

You have obviously only considered the here and now havent you...there fore you cannot claim to be a succesful working mother. Sigh.

Like me, you should have commenced planning and training from the age of 13 in order to be succesful.

and perfect

I would personally say the easiest way to be a successful working mum is just to hire children for social events where you want to pretend to be a parent. Easy!

But if you hire the children you would really have to vet their pedegree so they do not let you down at key moments. You know what those children things are like

Just don't have kids - get some cardboard cutout ones instead. Ensure they are correctly sized to fit in the car so you can take them out with you in between reading your trade journals (tesco shelf stacking weekly, cleaners today etc) and e-mails in the evenings and weekends when you aren't in the office.

Hell, make sure they fold up in your suitcase so you can take them on the 5* holidays that your hard earned money paid for. After all you are the hardest working career person ever who is never off work and puts in more effort than anyone you know so you deserved all those promotions over the years

oh no you're not allowed to take holidays - shows complete lack of committment to work !