In the light of several recent threads on working parents, I have helpfully compiled a little list for everyone to look at and hopefully gain tips from. Have fun!
- Remember firstly to breathe in and out as soon as you get up in the morning. If you?re not sure how to do this right, pinch your nose and hold your breath until you pass out. Once you have passed out hopefully your hand will let go of your nose and the airway will be open once more. Congratulations- you?re breathing!
- Go to bed in your Power Suit so you don?t have to worry about time spent getting dressed. Have your Power Suit laminated on the inside and also on the outside so you won?t have to worry about getting it dirty or inadvertently sweating on it in the night or in High-Powered Power Meetings. Wear a cycle helmet to bed to protect your hair and to keep your hands-free set in place so that you don?t miss any Important Conference Calls. Wear a nappy at all times to save time using the toilet.
- Keep the children in the car at all times that you are in the house. This saves time when setting out on Nursery or School-Run. It also means that the children aren?t messing up the house or eating any of your food. There are plenty of gadgets these days and in-car entertainment to keep them amused whilst they are in the car. Hire a driver to take them to a Drive-through restaurant twice daily. Get the driver to park on your drive or at least within view of the house so you and your dh can wave to your children through the front room window from time to time.
- As the children are kept in the car, you should find that there are fewer domestic chores. However, you?re only human, so if the housework does eventually get too much, simply move house.
- When at work, ask if you can work in a sound-proof booth or, failing that, wear blinkers along with your cycling helmet and hands-free set so that you are not distracted by colleagues who wish to ?chat? about non-work-related issues. Show your boss how dedicated you are by never taking toilet breaks (no need ? you have your nappy) and having any food taken in liquid form intravenously so you do not have to leave your booth.
- Save time blinking by having your eyelids removed and hire someone to spray your eyes with moisture every so often.
Next week: Which angles are best for Granny to get her lips round the hole in her egg.