does your DH work long hours??

[auntyquated]

without the 'overtime' - just salaried so not entitled to overtime?

DH is bugging me as he never rings to give any indication of what time he will be leaving. we finish eating then usually one of the kids asks if we can ring him to find out how long he will be! tonight i am NOT ringing ... sometimes i do wonder if he would ever come home if we didn't ring and remind him of our exsistence...well tonight we will find out.

I think it's an issue if you mind but not otherwise. Plenty of people even have a wife or husband they only see at weekends who works away or even abroad and are happy with that. Others hate it. I would avoid remarrying someone if I didn't think they had any time for me but on the other hand I would hate someone who didn't work at all and was always around.

Can you have one night a week that is yours and he has to be home for say 6:00 to pick up the childcare. It's not fair to leave you stranded every night with little or no notice.

My DH works away most of the week (usually mon morning to Thursday around 6:00) I too work full time. We have a nanny who works until 7:00. I know he isn't coming home on Mon, Tues Wed nights and I have accepted that. But, Thusday night is mine. He is home before nanny gets off work and I can go out. Okay, granted, our nanny is lovely and does most of the work. But, we all need a break no matter what we do. And I get my evening out. I don't always take it. And sometimes DH doesn't come home on Thurs and I can't have the night off. But, it's usually there if I want it.

Sykes -

I don't really know what they are looking for, but you do not even need to be able to ride, AFAIK. It just states that it is for members of the public and whenever certain criteria are required, they make it very clear. So I would imagine they are just looking for uniqueness to whittle down the applicants.

Sorry for hijack

Thanks v much. I do ride and have always wanted to race. Sorry re hijack.

my OH runs restaurants so works very unsociable hours but always makes sure he has 2 days off and 2 nights. Doesnt sound like much but it works. His restaurant is very close so he comes home when he gets the chance and tends to bath DS. I now work part time and i think he appreciates our time together alot more and is better round the house etc.

Our relationship is all about planning!! But it works

DH works for himself. Today he's working 7am to 9pm

Have read thread with interest - do you not think that sometimes your dh/dp's have got into the trap of working long hours because they think it is 'expected' or 'the norm' in their offices/work enviroment? I have to admit it would drive me nuts and totally p* me off if I was in some of your shoes. Can you talk to them about leaving work at a more reasonable time, have some time with the kids tea & bedtime then work from home later if needed? Hopefully most companies are more flexbile nowadays and would support this (unless I am being totally naive)- question is do some of them really want to or 'prefer' to miss all the 'noise' and come home to calm house (but v knackeres and stressed out mummy!).

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my DH is in the forces so i am on my own for 6 months at a time plus any other courses or exercises he has to do. we have been together 9 years and have probably only seen eachother for what equates to half of that. we are wanting another baby but with the possibility of him going to iraq within the next 6 months i dont know wether we'll manage to conceive this year. the joys of being married to a soldier . the uniforms nice though

Dh is a driving instructor. He books lessons when people wants them, but I sometimes think he should have a sensible cut off time and offer them another slot. Tonight he's going to get home about 9:30. We'll have tea, a bit of a sit down and I can guarantee that he'll be falling asleep by 11 at the latest.
Last he was in bed for 9:15!

my dh has admitted to me that although he 'cant help' working late if the pressure is on at work, its quite nice to come home when kids are in bed, house is tidy again and his dinner is waiting for him in the ove,. cant say i blame him really and actually in a way the worst time for me is between 4 and 5 when they are really hungry and winding each other up and he wouldnt be home by then anyway. also i get a bit stressy when i know hes going to come home and find the house in a state mess everywhere etc because i kind of want to maintain the illusion that i actually 'do something' with the day rather than just 'swanning around drinking coffee with my friends and going to the park'.
and its not an option for me to go to work instead or for us to both work part time as had my first baby when i was still at uni, and although i finished the coursde., im not really qualified to do any thing. going to go to work when littlest one starts school though, just part time. quite looking forward to that tho dont want to wish her little life away1

god my DP came home the other day when a friend was over with her LO- they had been here all afternoon and the house was a tip, wahing in the machine, washing up not done, he looked so shocked!! I was like, 'welcome to my world'and he proceeded to tidy the whole house, bath DS and then do my dinner. quite right too

Dh doesn;t work quite such long hours as some of your DP's although he does leave at 7.15 each morning, so doesn;t see DS before he goes, but usually tries to be home by 6 so he can give DS a bath.

He has to work abroad quite alot and I find this to be the most difficult thing for us to cope with...I think it is because it is more disruptive, and DH gets very tired so at the weekend he doesn;t have the energy or enthusiasm to do anything.

I can deal with stuff better if it is routine.

He is a manager so no overtime, he often gets calls from his boss in the evening / weekends / on holiday and has to work evenings to do things like catch up on his e-mails.

I work P/T and basically do everything else around the house, moreorless..the things which don;t get done are the things DH needs to do like take some big metal gates off that are dangerous and going to fall on one of our neighbours before long - I have been waiting about a year for him to do that job....

The thing is it IS expected of him and he earns a better than average salary, we depend on it (mine barely covers childcare) - what alternative is there?

DH has always worked long hours. We met when we were both working in the City, so it´s nothing new. He has NEVER put either of our children to bed during the week (the eldest is 4.5). He has NEVER got home before 9pm, and is regularly in the office past midnight. On occasion, he works all night and all the next day. Once a month he will travel abroad for several nights. Perhaps one Friday a month he will be home by 8.30pm to see DS1 before he goes to sleep. He will do an hour of emails/calls etc on Sat and Sun from home. None of this is paid overtime, however he is relatively well paid.

Does it bug me? Not really, because it is how it has always been, since before we had kids. It was always a given that I would give up work to have a family, and he would continue to work hard in order to give us all a great life. So far we are both very happy, and both keeping to our end of the bargain, so not really much to complain about. I am also very proud of his achievements at work, as well as our marriage. He´s a great dad and a great husband and always goes that extra mile at the weekend when he is with us. I guess it´s just what you get used to!

I am finding this thread very interesting. Before we had children DH and I both worked in the city in similar jobs and both did long hours, if anything I worked longer hours than he did and also got paid a bit more. Since having DS I have gone back to work 3 days a week, essentially doing the same job, and have found that I am just about able to do it in 3 days plus 3-4 hours at home and these are short days as I have given up the battle to share responsibility for picking ds up from nursery. I have more or less given up any prospect of moving further up the career ladder by working 3 days but I reckon that if I worked 5 days I could do much more regular hours than I used to and still progress just as quickly.

DH has been promoted since we had DS and continues to work long hours. I know that he needs to take work seriously but I do think that he could work fewer hours if he really wanted to - my theory is that at lot of people work the hours available to them. Being at work is often easier than being at home with young children. I think a lot of it is a question of working efficiently and people often over-estimate the importance of being seen to be in the office late etc. But it's a difficult mindset to change.

ooh cq - are we the same person, our posts are very similar ! Nice to know I'm not the only mug around

Yes, sitting here in my peaceful office is easier. I could at a pinch some weeks meet the children at 4 at school. Instead I choose to work to 6.30. It means the working day is more relaxed and I avoid the pressures of getting them home, tea etc I am sure a lot of men and some women think the same too. But it looks from this thread like a lot of people are quite happy with the balance they have - husband very long hours, wife at home very long hours of chld care and if that works that's fine.

Yes although slightly different to the responses here. His job Mon-Fri finishes at 5 (8.30-5pm) and he's often home by 5.30 BUT has to be out early in the morning and more often than not falls asleep for the early part of the evening (just when I am most busy with homework etc). I always put all 3 of our children to bed every single night.

Thing is I have this every single day 7 days a week as he works weekends too renovating our house so I never get a break children are 7 (who has a disability), 4 and 17 months.

Kind of got used to it though and at least our house is slowly becoming more habitable

Well, reading this thread really brings it home to me that my dc's don't have it as bad as DS thinks he has it. My DH works away from home as a marine pilot for 9 days and then comes home for 6. My DS misses his dad desperately when he's away, but looking at this thread, a lot of your dc's dont get to see their dad during the week either and so he could just as well be away too. My dc's know that when dad is home he's got 6 days where he can give more or less undivided attention AND they also have the security that there is no way their dad is going to be home while he is at work, so there is no 'will he, wont he' thing going on. Yes I'm a part time single mother, but I'm happy with this situation. I think I prefer this to having a husband who works extremely long hours.

My DH used to do long hours. He would get home around 7pm which wasn't too bad (but felt bad as he always left earlier than the rest of them who didn't have children), but the would have some food, then back to his laptop to work. The phone would constantly go at the weekend and during any time off I persuaded him to take. No overtime and the carrot of a annual bonus that still made him end up on about £1 an hour (slight exaggeration !)

I hated it, not at all the life I wanted for our family. He hated it but felt trapped, and in the end became really ill because of it. He now has a job from home that pays more for 4 days than he got for 5 and our life has improved no end. He will never be returning to the work all hours culture.

Xenia - I don't feel like a single parent because when dh is home although he is very tired he is completely hands on with ds and does more than most partners I know who work less hours than him. Like most people dh would prefer a job that gives him a better 'balance' but for the time being things have to be this way.

The thing I seem to be picking up from this thread is that those DHs/Ps who work long hours feel compelled to do so, regardless of whether or not they are being rewarded for going the extra mile. I have worked since two days after sitting my final A-level (half my life ago), and still am surprised (and a little bemused) at the massive number of 'work martyrs' there are around. People who seem to think that if they are not seen to be slaving, they will be thought of as slackers. I have lost count of the numbers of sarky comments I have endured if I have had to dash off to a sick child or even once because I had the audacity to book Christmas day off work as it was my DD's first christmas. People are scared of how they are perceived at work, and more power to the parent who has the guts to occasionally put the needs of their family before the (numerous and demanding) needs of a boss taking full advantage of them. Also notice how so many of those who work long hours are not paid overtime - there is a very good reason for this.
My DH doesn't actually have this problem as he doesn't really have a boss- he puts the numerous demands upon himself, just so nobody could ever say he wasn't a hard worker and thoroughly dedicated professional. I am heartily sick of sacrificing our quality of life so he can chase his dream - or prove something to his dead father who never gave a flying f** anyway. But that's a whole other thread.

Bitter? moi?

It's fascinating and not just men who are like this. They've analysed why the British have the longest working hours in Europe and sorry to break it to everyone but it's because they want them! I wonder if it's something to do with the Protestant work ethic or perhpas it's just that being home with the children (and even your other half) can be unbelievably dull and work can be exciting or so I find it. Obviously I like the children and domestic things in reasonably small doses of course or I would never have had children.

Not sure about the Protestant work ethic given our Northern European cousins are quite civilised about work as well. When I worked in Sweden, it was absolutely accepted that no meeting start after 3:30, because everyone - male and female - left at 4:30 because that's when school/kindergarten finished. I have never worked in an environment before where men felt completely comfortable in saying "I have to work from home tomorrow as dd has a doctor's appointment" or whatever. It was astounding, and it should be the norm.

Personally I would not work long hours now that I have children, but it was absolutely expected when I worked in the private sector and that's why I don't do it now. However, I am fortunate in that I can earn a decent living without feeling pressured into long hours and I completely understand that not everyone has that good fortune.

I genuinely think that most of the long hours of working is completely counter-productive. You are so tired, you can't possibly be doing good work. But it's partly a macho culture where you have to been seen to be putting the hours in (or are billing for them), or there's a feeling that your client will be unimpressed if you aren't flogging your workers around the clock. I actually think this is maybe more of an American style of work?

I am quite sure that most of the dh/dps on this thread think they are doing their absolute best for their families, but I have to say, I would have a great deal to say to dh if he worked these kind of hours. But that's based on our particular circumstance, not anyone else's. As a general observation, however, as Xenia says we have a particular work culture in the UK which I don't think is healthy or particularly productive either.

Talking about the work culture, it is also interesting to note that despite the fact that the British work the longest hours in Europe I'm pretty sure that they also have the worst childcare system in Europe AND a school system which seems to presume that most of us are stay at home mums. In Belgium the oposite was presumed and schools never EVER organised meeting for parents before 5pm as they knew most parents (mums and dads) worked AND I'm talking about the 80's here.