Being micro-managed by someone who isn't my manager - how do I handle it?

[spookyskeleton]

I have recently started a new role working within a project group and one of my colleagues on the team is micro-managing me - she is neither my manager or the project manager!

She is constantly interfering in my work, questioning everything I say and generally treating me like I am much more junior than her (we are at roughly the same level).

We are both 'specialists' on the project (say IT and Finance for example) and I would never dream of questioning her as I respect her experience and knowledge so not sure why she feels she can question me. We are both in middle management so in my view, that comes with a certain level of expectation that you will complete the work you need to do when you need to do it

She is extremely tight with the project manager and has been on the project for much longer than me and I feel I am unable to make a good impression with the team as she is undermining me.

She is extremely well thought of within the team and my manager also thinks highly of her so I know there is no point in taking it anywhere.

I just need strategies to deal with the interference on a day to day basis before it drives me crazy.

I'd talk to her in private. Nip it in the bud....

A few options:

• Be straightforward - I feel you are getting too involved in my work, please stop

Or

• I have noticed you have kindly taken an interest in my work, but I feel settled enough now, so I just wanted to say thank you and I don't need the interference support going forward

Or

• I have noticed you have been taking an interest in my work. Is this something you have been asked to do? Would it work ok if I were to take a similar role with you?

Or

• I have noticed you have taken an interest in my work. I wondered if there would be a more mutal way we could support each other on this project. A weekly catch up meeting?

Tricky one...

Margo thank you for your suggestions, I think you are right. I do need to talk to her and your wordings are very useful. I just hate conversations like this

What does she do to micro manage you exactly? Give us some examples.

To be honest, I'd kill her with inane queries. Until she snapped and screamed 'I am not your manager!'.

Alternative difficult to pick specific examples but here is something that happened today. I was on my way to a meeting and we quickly discussed an issue that needs sorting but I need to discuss it with my manager. It isn't an urgent issue but needs a decision in the next couple of weeks. I explained that I would be arranging a 1 to 1 with my manager next week so I would discuss it then.

I went off to my meeting, came back and within 5 minutes she appeared to ask me if I had arranged anything with my manager - I had literally sat back down!! Anyway, I said no as I had been in meetings all afternoon but I was going to set something up for Tues afternoon (I am not based in the same place as my manager). She said ' oh I'll ring her about it on Monday' (I don't work Mondays so she knew I wouldn't be able to speak to her).

It really isn't that urgent that it can't wait until Tuesday and my manager is dealing with a really difficult situation elsewhere which is resulting in her having to do 2 jobs so I feel that she doesn't need a phone call that isn't urgent.

To me, this shows that she is undermining me, trying to demonstrate to my manager that I am not being pro-active. She is constantly chasing me up about things which aren't urgent like this. I am used to being left to manage my own time and have done so successfully without this level of interference for years so I don't feel I should be treated like this by someone who isn't even my manager.

Does that make sense?

Ok I think you need to be a little more backwards about coming forwards.

Stop discussing things with her, if she asks you questions be less forward and throw a question back to her:
'Have you yada yada' - 'All in hand, why, is there a problem?'

And speak to your manager at your one to one about why you are being so closely micromanaged by someone who isn't even your manager.

If you feel particularly brave a few comments like 'I am so glad you are asking me all this, my old PA used to do this, it's like the old days. '. Should put a stop to it.

Yes, you need to stop letting her know what's going on.

If she asks about a project she has no input in just tell her it's in hand, with the Monday phone call thing I would have just replied, no need, I have it in hand.

It sounds like she is pushing it because your manager isn't visible on site, has she been tasked with stand in manager whilst the manager is away?

Thanks for your advice, I like the 'it is all in hand, is there a problem' response - I am definitely going to use that one.

Assertiveness is not my strong point - I am, by nature a people pleaser and a co-operator so I find it difficult not to answer direct questions with the full information but I am going to try.

No, definitely not asked to be a stand-in manager as I am at a level that I don't need day to day management and I know my manager well enough that she is happy with me having a certain level of autonomy.

I think my feelings are being magnified as I feel like I am a disappointment to the project team - I am performing but feel I am not what they wanted. I have no idea why but I do wonder if my colleagues behaviour is giving them the impression that I have no idea what I am doing

Yes, she could be using it to "big herself up" to your manager, things like the phone call are undermining. That call could be "I had to have a chat with spooky today" etc

I would definatly bring examples to your manager and let her know how it is making you feel.

I think I would have said in response to the 'I'll talk to her about it on Monday comment' - no need, I'll pick it up with her myself on Tuesday, it's not super-urgent.

Of course, this doesn't stop her from raising it on Monday so you send a pre-emptive email: want to catch up with you about this on Tuesday, let's speak when you get in.

Then you do that on Tuesday, regardless of whether the manager says 'I've already discussed it with so-and-so', you say 'oh really?' and then just plough on and have the conversation anyway.

I also agree, stop answering her questions. She's treating you like a junior and in responding you're tacitly accepting that.

Can you get some one-to-one time with the project manager and talk about his/her expectations of you? Absolutely do not try and criticise this woman but see if you can steer it round to roles and responsibilities so you're clear what role you are meant to be fulfilling.

tribpot excellent suggestions. I did pre-empt the conversation by putting the details of the issue in my meeting invite for Tuesday and said can we discuss this?

I know I am allowing it to continue so I am really going to make an effort to stop. Again, I did manage it today when she came and questioned me about the meetings I had been in this afternoon, I didn't provide her with the details if what was discussed.

I just hate that I am being forced to spend time trying to always be one step ahead of her when I should be concentrating on getting my job done!

Good idea about trying to speak to the project manager about his expectations of me but as he is so tight with this woman, it will get fed back to her straight away and therefore she may realize she is getting under my skin!

She is currently being copied into a series of update emails that she has absolutely no need to be copied in to - it is a work stream that she is not involved in and I don't want her to be copied in but how do I ask the person sending the updates to not copy her in without it looking really obvious??

Smile sweetly, nod, try to minimise stress and wait it out if you can, Toxicworkplaces generally implode, if not keep your powder dry, your hands clean and keep applying for other jobs to keep your escape routes clear

Awful situation to be in, I know only too well, You are the better person,

God how very irritating

Is she like this with everyone, or just you? Is she managed by the same person? Is she wangling for a promotion?

I was thinking on the manager meeting thing though that it wasn't perhaps micro managing but more that she is one of those people who forgets that other people have to do stuff as well as respond to their specific enquiries.

Definitely stop giving her any detail, don't feel obliged to respond to her questions or queries other than in a general way, definitely do the smiley, breezy professional, "I'll get back to you on that in due course" thing.

therealmary I don't know if she is like this with everyone else - I suspect so and I really pity the people who actually do work for her. Their lives must really be hell!!

Yes, I do think she expects her issues to be dealt with immediately or that we all work 70 hours per week like she does!

Funny thing is she moved out of our office as it was 'too noisy' but still seems to spend a lot of time in our office bothering me

Good idea about trying to speak to the project manager about his expectations of me but as he is so tight with this woman, it will get fed back to her straight away

You're giving her too much power. You're completely entitled to talk to the PM about expectations, that should be a normal part of settling you in to the role. You don't say anything about her or her behaviour (noting that anything you say will go back to her) but it should put you on a firmer footing about what your role is, and get you some feedback about your performance to date.

You can't allow this woman to dominate your interactions with the rest of the team - that's clearly what she wants.

Office politics are tiresome and wasteful but navigating team dynamics is unfortunately part of any job. This strikes me as a classic case of jockeying for position (not suggesting that you're doing it because you want to!) and is common where leadership is weak and so a strong structure and boundaries are not being communicated from the top. I think she's bucking for promotion on the grounds that she has taken on a bigger role (note: that no-one asked her to) and the moving out of the office thing is pure attention seeking - her work is so important she needs an uninterrupted space to work in.

She's going to use your part-time presence against you as well, clearly, so you are going to lose some of these battles. But I think if you can get a better handle on how your success will be measured as an individual, you can focus on that and push her into the background.

On the email updates, just email back to the sender and say 'let's cut down on emails for people who don't need to read this, these people are outside the work stream so don't need to receive this content'. Simples.

I think as well you need to be more positive with your language.

can we discuss this? needs to be changed to something less passive.
'Agenda items are x, y and x', 'I need to discuss x', or schedule a meeting about 'X project' if it is the only thing.

Speak to the project manager about your role in the project, just to check that you are doing the right things, and only communicate with the project manager about project related issues.

Update emails - can you start a new email and only copy in those that need to know? If someone else is copying her in then something else is going on and you maybe need to read the political signs and try and work out what it is.

I do think she expects her issues to be dealt with immediately

You need a series of comments about it being sorted. 'Yes, it is all scheduled in, thanks' if she says anything else 'Why, does the PM need it before x date like I agreed with the them as I haven't had any notifications of this?

Alternatively just piss her off and keep saying 'can you ping me an email with that in, so I can add it to my scheduler - ta'.

This really is a form of bullying. Sorry you are having to deal with it.

God office politics sucks! I haven't got time for all this game playing.

I suspect there is some jockeying for position but I have no idea why. We are from different specialities, when my work on the project is done, I will go back to my previous job but she has had a permanent job 'created' for her in the new structure. The only reason that I can think of is because we are both women. Interestingly another woman of a similar age to us has just joined the team (from another speciality) and I haven't seen her behave like this to the new woman

Thanks for all the strategies - I will start using them next week and see how things progress.

but she has had a permanent job 'created' for her in the new structure

Ok - bingo. She is trying to justify her job. She has picked on you because you are nice and not rude. She wants to be seen to be in charge...of more than she is actually in charge of.

You have to be the swan, in complete control and with good systems in place to manage the project that you are there to do. Be honest with 'I am only here to do this project and it's all sorted, why the panic?' and make her look a little flustered which will make her back off a bit.

Words to use 'all good, sorted, no problem, all in hand, tickety boo, got it all booked in, no worries, got that all taken care of' etc etc. And questions to throw it back at her 'in what context?', 'what is the emergency?, 'why do you think that', 'who has asked for that do be done early?' etc etc...and walk off whilst she formulates an answer to 'go check the urgent email as you haven't seen what she is going on about'...

Always walk about with papers in your hand so you have to go do something if she stops and starts questioning you 'sorry, is there an email about this? If not, can you send me one as I need to get this done, thanks'.

Gosh, why isn't her own work keeping her busy?

Agree that this is a problem caused by your manager, though.

ragged because she works till midnight most nights and most of the weekends too (she is single with no kids). I couldn't compete even if I wanted to

cat why?

Wow, poor lady, no work life balance.
Are you sure your manager didn't ask her to keep an eye on you?
Utterly pants situation, you've had some great replies.

I would be extremely surprised (and disappointed) if my manager had asked her to do that. I know my manager thinks I am capable and promoted me to the job so I assume she trusts me.