Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

[misosoup]

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

"The suggestion childcaer is a female issue at work is so damagning to women. It's when men are asking as much as women for reduced hours and to go home because the child is sick that we will get more fairness at work."

YES, Xenia. YES YES YES YES YES

I've said this so many times on this website, but Gordon and Tony never listen. I also think men should get paternity pay and time off equal to what women get. Only when they are offered 90% of their pay are they going to take it. And only when they take it will women of child bearing age be treated the same as men of childbearing age.

Congratulations, Floating (though I'm not sure if you really want to hear that from me).

"It's when men are asking as much as women for reduced hours and to go home because the child is sick that we will get more fairness at work."

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement Xenia even though I dislike all of the generalisations you have been making. Perhaps more women would be happy to keep one foot in the world of paid employment if more men were prepared to step a foot out of it.

I seriously don't think that asking for "as much" as women sums up the debate although it's a good point.

Many more good points made by thankyoupoppet, so, thank you, poppet!

I sometimes wonder if women forget that it is not an aspiration to be a man.

If you're bored cod, eff off. Simple innit?

Floating, that's great. Congratulations.
Poppet, I know most people are in between. The average wage for men and women in the UK is about £20k a year I think so anyone on £30k is doing tremendously well etc

"xenia men and women are different and will therefore have different needs/rights to fight for. (men don't need time off to give birth for example)"
Don't agree after a time, although there are certain inherent differences. I gave birth obviously and my ex husband didn't but nothing stopped me taking business calls shortly thereafer. Pregnancy isn't an illness. I could be back after 2 weeks out of choice. I loved breastfeeding and men can't do that but that fit around work fairly well.

Actually it's higher paid women who have more of a financial incentive to get back to work because state maternity rights are only 6 weeks at 90% of pay. After that you plummet right down to a level most people can't pay mortgages on so in practice after 6 weeks the right is derisory. If you earn about £100 a week then obviously SMP is by no means derisory. I think next year some rights for fathers are being introduced which are not transferrable which will be interesting and I am sure ultimately we'll go the way of Finland. I think having involved fathers with little children like Blair and Cameron, new men with wives who have very successful jobs, is helping to ensure parents together make decisions about child care rather than it being relegated to being a woman's issue. I am very hopeful that we will achieve more fairness.

Oi! Uwila! You are officially named on the Christmas meet-up ditherers list, so are you going or wot?

"Pregnancy isn't an illness??"
AAAAAAAAaarrrrrgggggh, who needs men, when we have Xenia??!!

Now now, Xenia speaks far more wisely than any man I know.

Rhubarb, yes yes yes I am coming. Can't miss a party. Priorities, you know. I hope nobody brings a gun to shoot me after this thread.

Pregnancy isn't an illness although particularly with the twins I did feel very sick in the first 3 months. It's the only time you go to hospital (if you choose a hospital birth at all) when you aren't ill. Some people like to make a huge fuss about it because they like attention and some people have a hard time with it but you aren't ill of course you aren't. I actually found it at 3 - 6 weeks after birth hugely easier to be in a warm office sitting there thinking about work things working at my own pace than having to think about a crying baby and getting the washing machine on etc.

I just mean there isn't a major sex difference need for the mother, rather than the father, to take 5 years out of work to care for small children. The Working Families Act 2006 will help and will "Give employed fathers a new right to up to 26 weeks Additional Paternity Leave some of which could be paid, if the mother returns to work. This will be introduced alongside the extension of maternity pay to 12 months." A good start. But still for men and women you just have the 6 weeks on 90% pay. Perhaps that's good for those of us who want to go back to work anyway - another justification we can give if we need one at all. Anyway this interesting thread is not getting my work done I had better on...

I haven't posted on this before, and the only reason I'm posting now is because I want to see the number of posts to hit 1000, cos I've never seen that before!

As far as going back to work when a baby is 2 weeks old, it can and has been done. I did it with DD (my first). Most certainly not because I wanted to. But, I was working contract and there was no pay on offer for maternity leave. No 90% for me. And let's face it £100 per week doesn't even buy the groceries. So, I returned part time from home for two weeks, then when DD was 4 weeks old I was back in the office full time. It wasn't ideal. In fact, it was crap. But, I did it because I felt I had to. It never even occurred to me tha tI had a right to be home. I needed the money, and that was that. So off I went.

Xenia, I have a sneaking suspicion that you are researching....

3-6 weeks after the birth?

Xenia you're right that for the first five years there's no sex difference between the man and the woman staying home

but for the first six months there is - feeding. you just can't get away from the fact we have norks, and you can't outsource those.

As someone who was in a similar position to you, tho' not such big bucks, I would hang on in there, at least while you consider the realities of the alternative.
Your 250k buys you a lot of choices. You can get the very best childcare - we chose a nursery that was absolutely brilliant - the children were happy, and I was reassured that they were doing lots of stuff I don't have the imagination or patience for, and were being cared for by energetic, people who were geting proper breaks and did not have to do lots of domestic chores while simultaneously caring for the children!
Your 250k buys you domestic help so your weekends can be entirely free to cuddle, read to and play with your children.
Also, bear in mind that you (and DH) are entitled to 13 weeks unpaid parental leave for each child up to the age of 5, of which up to four weeks can be taken in a year. So your 250k can easily absorb you and DH between you to have
eight weeks per year with the children in addtion to your annual leave.
Also consider the dynamic between you and DH, which may be strained if he is suddenly cast into the role of sole provider - maybe having to work longer hours and see less of the
kids himself. If money is also tight he may begin to resent your cosy lifestyle (as he will see it) and however much of a new man, will start to complain about the tidyiness of the house etc, whcih will inevitably become 'your' respnsibility as 'you are at home all day'
Also consider that jobs are not jobs for life - if he gets made redundant you may have to return to work at whatever you can find.
Also, things change - you have the luxury if knowing you can throw it in if you want, which is quite some luxury. ( Especially with a few years bonus behind you)
Also consider education. (In its broadest sense, not just schools.) Your 250k buys you choice, and the flexibility to change schools if your children are not happy, to find them the type of education that is best for them as individuals, rather than what your local school offers. Bear in mind that children do get expensive, even disregarding the 'expensive trainers'red herring. Talk to some people with older children about what they cost!
How about an experiment. Take two (or more if you can)weeks leave from your job, while DH is at work, (preferably when the weaather is bad!!)and live the life of a sahm. Work out what 50k really means in disposable income when you have taken out all the boring essentials (no cheating!)
In my case plumped for carrying on with my job, which I did, and do enjoy. I arranged the maximum parental leave I could (which came as a suprise to my managers - in a male-dominated field I was the first person in the company to come back to work after maternity leave, and they were non-plussed by paretnal leave, but happy to accommodate.) After that had run out and my youngest child was at school I asked for term time working. As I was able to demonstrate that I had been taking the fours weeks parental with no detrimental effect, I now proposed to formalise that with a additional unpaid four to cover all school hols. They reluctantly agreed, but later admitted that it was working extremely well. So - win-win.
You may find that you are able to negotiate a four day week by working longer on the four- this is now common practice even at director level in some organisations.
So my advice is - take a reality check before jumping, and don't assume it is all or nothing.
If you are earingin250k, you are earning vast profits for our company, who are likely to at least give you a hearing, however male-dominated they are.
Good Luck!

CL, very wise. Good post. I agree with a lot of that. Money gives you freedom in a lot of ways even in just educating your children as you choose. It's power.

Would be good if this thread gets up to 1000. Perhaps there should be a section of the site where 1000 post threads are preseverd in aspic for posterity.
No I'm not researching anything. I should be getting on with work today.
2 weeks with baby no 1 and used holiday. 2.5 with no. 2. About 5 including some holiday with no. 3 and with the twins I worked for myself and was based at home so I was picking up emails and calls from the day after which wasn't very hard. I'm quite fit and my ex husband had a week's holidays anyway as it was half term the week after and then the week after that our new nanny started so it was fine.

Breastfeeding - well a lot of SAHM don't breast feed. The UK has pathetic breastfeeding rates. So so few women stick that out to 6 months (different topic, another thread). But those that do like me you can express. If you've a choice of give up with £25Ok means to a fmaily and a career earning that over 30 years or pump milk 3 times a day in the office then I didn't really feel there was any contest.

Also if you both work full time from such an early stage you don't build up inequities at home whereby the man assumes you are better at doing XYZ with chidlren or it's the woman's job to do ABC or fix up a nanny - you get a more equal relationship and responsibility for your family in some ways (if that suits you).

cindylou i would argue that you don't need 250 k to have all of the things you have mentioned. I think that 50k would still buy you a tidy little lifestyle with cleaners, school fees, an au-pair if you fancy! and in the meantime she could still have time to cuddle her lo (not just on the weekend!) and she might even get to know them too...

Then in the not-too-distant future she would still have considerable earning potential, when the kids are at school. She worries about that now but I'm sure she could, at least, double their income of 50k by working school hours. Giving her even more choice of schools, some fancy holidays and goodness knows what else that kind of money brings in!

(of course if I had my way then she would be offered an equal type job back after having done the most wonderful job of raising her young-uns.)

At the same time as all this, by being at home, she may even be able to squeeze in some time for herself to stop her getting bored (gym, yoga, day spa, starbucks, hey even a little high-powered charity work perhaps?)

But of course if she doesn't want to look after her kids then it's as simple as that.

Xenia I'm starting to see how you managed to have 5 kids so close together - you didn't do any of it!

Leeeave it, Fankyoupoppet, she's not worf it

(screeched in manner of pissed up Bianca outside pub in Albert Square...)

r u avin a go satine? (drops the T in satine)

cos I'll start on u init

(anyway I can't, I'm addicted to this thread. I'm seeing the GP about it on monday.)

oh thankyoupoppet, you make me laugh out loud! Good posting hon xxx

Xenia... you have fallen in with a very traditional male dominated way of thinking lacking somewhat in imagination. Shame.

In fact, I don't disagree with many of your points but you act oblivious to what women (generalisation) do well (generally) and men have been capitalising on that for years you silly billy.