Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Setting a good example to DC's... Homemaker vs career

28 replies

HarrietBarking · 07/03/2015 10:03

To cut an incredible long story short, I had a successful career pre DC. After having DC I decided I wanted to bring them up myself, and with the support of DH, gave up work. Over the past 15 years I've done a variety of jobs purely because they fitted in with the DC's, not from any kind of personal fulfilment. This has evolved over time into DH and I having a very traditional relationship where I do all of the childcare and household tasks.

This has had a noticeable effect on DC's, leading to comments, particularly from DD1 such as "I didn't realise men could cook" and "can men work washing machines then?". I'm really concerned that our relationship is setting a bad example, particularly when DH has a tendency to be flash with cash and I'm more frugal, inadvertently encouraging the 1950's housewife image. DD1 has mentioned before that she hates it when I'm under the weather as she feels DH is not a hands-on parent and that she has to step up to the role of "Mum" and she's not ready (she's14).

I really want to challenge these perceptions and give my DD's the knowledge that they can do whatever they want - but at the same time keep the safe nurturing home that grounds them.

I've seen a job advertised that I would love, it would pick up from where I left off and make me feel worthwhile again. It would however mean a dramatic change in our home circumstances. DH would have to take a much bigger role in the house, and I'm concerned how, or even if, it would work, and the pressure that DD1 would (wrongly) feel to be the "Mum" of the house in my absence.

WWYD? In 5 years my youngest will have left secondary so I haven't got that long left to wait and be free to do whatever I want work wise. On the other hand I would really like to feel like me again, and this might have a positive impact on DD. Or would she feel pressurised into taking care of the home, not by me but by her perception that DH can't or won't?

OP posts:
SoHHKB · 07/03/2015 10:13

How does your dp feel about being perceived to be useless? Confused

YorkshireTeaandCake · 07/03/2015 10:15

Hi,

I would go back to a career. Your children are old enough now and there is no reason why they should be given a couple of chores to do here and there. DD1 shouldn't take over the 'mum' role but she can still help you out at home (even without you working). At 14, she is old enough to be home alone after school. I can understand that she won't want to take care of her younger sibling all of the time after school. Is there an after school club that you can use for the younger child?
I take it the job is full time? What time do your children get home from secondary school?
I would go for the job if I was you. You are at the right stage and you don't want to leave it too long. Extra money would be great too!

YorkshireTeaandCake · 07/03/2015 10:16

Oh, and your DH should do some of the housework regardless of whether you are working or not :-)

Jackieharris · 07/03/2015 10:18

Your poor dd.

She deserves a better father.

AgentProvocateur · 07/03/2015 10:20

It is possible to keep a safe nurturing home AND a have a successful career. Your DD's comments are worrying, and the onus is on you and your DH to prove that housework isn't for females only, and that she shouldn't adopt that role in future relationships. Surely, though, she's seen her friends' parents have less traditional roles?

AnythingNotEverything · 07/03/2015 10:22

You don't have to go out to work for your DH to set a better example.

Mrsjayy · 07/03/2015 10:24

I don't work my Dds know their dad can cook and stick a washing On I think. The fact your Dd perceptions. Of men is useless I's shocking why have you and your husband allowed that.

Mrsjayy · 07/03/2015 10:28

My dds boyfriend is pandered to by his parents and his mother asked mydd to iron his wwork shirts my Ddaughter laughed and realised she was serious and then saId no why do people bring children Up thIs way

Joyfulldeathsquad · 07/03/2015 10:31

You can have a safe nurturing home with out showing dd that women are there just to serve men.

You and your dh are both to blame here for encouraging this culture in your home.

Go back to work and get your dh to actually parent his own children and pull his weight in the house.

My gran had three sons and a dh, she would get up in the morning before them, warm there fucking overalls before the fire, make their sandwiches , wake them, sort there breakfast then leave to do Ft work, come home a tidy the house and then start all over again the next day. It's just not needed.

Don't turn her in to someone's house wife.

Nolim · 07/03/2015 10:34

I would apply for the job and redistribute the chores in a more balanced way (and hire a cleaner!). It is a shame that your do cannot step up as the main parent when you are unavailable.

Nolim · 07/03/2015 10:38

Fwiw my own mum was a sahm until my parents split up (very different to your situation op, i know) She then went back to work and i am convinced it was the best decision for her. It made her happy, financialy independant and it was a role model for me and my siblings.

Ubik1 · 07/03/2015 10:38

One of the benefits of working ft is that my DDs have high expectations of their dad in terms of housework and cooking.

I hope they will have these expectations of their future partners.

MyNightWithMaud · 07/03/2015 10:40

I'm trying, as best I can, to show my DD that it's possible, with a certain amount of compromise, to make a home and have a career; it's not quite the either/or that the thread title implies. There are certain jobs around the home that it would never cross DH's mind to do, so they fall to me, but he is a very involved parent and doesn't expect me to be the "little woman".

You are right, OP, to be concerned about the messages your DD may be internalising. Pursue the revived career if that's where your heart lies. Could you then buy in some help with household tasks - cleaning, gardening - so you don't end up frazzled?

Mrsjayy · 07/03/2015 10:41

Btw you can have a Balance and not work I have health issues so I really can't work but you can have a ffamily set up where the children don't think like your dd and if you did get a job you would still do it all anyway

BouleSheet · 07/03/2015 10:45

Apply for the job immediately: you may not get it but if you do then worry about coping then.

I too am a sahm in a similar situation and worry about the role I am setting for my DD. I do feel at this stage (having had the luxury of being there for my kids for 14 years) that maybe I made a mistake and should have kept working. I know that my dh is lazy and will never be much good at pulling his weight no matter how much I rant and rail (we lived together for 10 years before children).

AuntieDee · 07/03/2015 10:53

You could well find yourself in the situation many women do - you work FT and still do all the chores...

Have a word with your H before you start work and explain that his life is significantly going to change...

IsabellaofFrance · 07/03/2015 11:04

I work now, albeit from home.

I want my DD especially to know that working hard pays off. I still do the majority of the childcare and housework as DH is away often, or working from 6am-9pm, but we make damn sure that the DC's know it is for that reason, rather than because DH is lazy and women do that stuff anyway.

I don't think you ar setting your DD a bad example, I think your DH is.

Yuleloglatte · 07/03/2015 11:20

I don't think you have to go back to a career to set a good example. I am a foster carer- essentially paid to be a housewife, and while our roles are very 'traditional' it hasn't limited our children's aspirations at all - they are surrounded by women with careers who can be role models, and while I may be the launderer at home, I am also a decision maker and can have intelligent conversation etc. I really don't think you can only be a good role model by working - it's nonsense that people bring up in the whom/ SAHM debates ( and I did wonder if this was a fake thread). Being a good role model is generally working hard, taking risks and challenging yourself, in whatever is relevant to you. Let children know they can be/ do what they want to be. It's also ok for children to see their parents might have different strengths and weaknesses but can work as a team. My DH probably doesn't know the nuances of our washing machine, and I struggle to change the kitchen halogen bulbs, we could both learn but choose not to - life's too short! But we have adult children who can both use a washing machine and change light bulbs, so I don't think they have been scarred by our traditional roles.

MyNightWithMaud · 07/03/2015 11:26

Great post, Yuleloglatte.

husbanddoestheironing · 07/03/2015 11:30

If you want to go back to work then I would. If you don't want to then put it off a bit longer.
If you do go back then you could make sure that you share the children's chores out so they are each 'responsible' for something suitable so your DD1 doesn't feel she has to 'step up'.

Laquitar · 07/03/2015 12:06

I agree with Yule.

Where did your dd pick this phrases? If she does some chores thats not 'taking mum's role'. Thats 'contributing to the household', the one she lives in.
They all should be responsible for some chores whether you work or not.

Jackieharris · 07/03/2015 13:14

My mum always worked. I wasn't aware of other mums working or not working.

I didn't know not working was an option tbh.

Original poster
HarrietBarking · 07/03/2015 14:56

Thanks everyone, lots to think about Smile

OP posts:
YorkshireTeaandCake · 07/03/2015 20:16

I work part time (3 days) and DH hardly lifts a finger. Well, he does but only when I point out what needs doing and beg! He just does not notice jobs that need doing. Men can be so LAZY! I want to return full time soon and it does worry me that he won't help out 50/50.

wobblebobblehat · 08/03/2015 20:11

Your relationship works because you both have your own roles. if DH will pick up some of the slack then go back to work. It would be great if chores could be shared 50/50 but working full time for a lot of women means doing a full days work then coming home and doing 99% of everything at home.

Do not underestimate how knackering it is trying to work full time and run a home.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2326348-To-just-chill-everytime-Im-home-and-not-at-work-now-rather-than-do-any-of-the-chores

Swipe left for the next trending thread