Setting a good example to DC's... Homemaker vs career

[HarrietBarking]

To cut an incredible long story short, I had a successful career pre DC. After having DC I decided I wanted to bring them up myself, and with the support of DH, gave up work. Over the past 15 years I've done a variety of jobs purely because they fitted in with the DC's, not from any kind of personal fulfilment. This has evolved over time into DH and I having a very traditional relationship where I do all of the childcare and household tasks.

This has had a noticeable effect on DC's, leading to comments, particularly from DD1 such as "I didn't realise men could cook" and "can men work washing machines then?". I'm really concerned that our relationship is setting a bad example, particularly when DH has a tendency to be flash with cash and I'm more frugal, inadvertently encouraging the 1950's housewife image. DD1 has mentioned before that she hates it when I'm under the weather as she feels DH is not a hands-on parent and that she has to step up to the role of "Mum" and she's not ready (she's14).

I really want to challenge these perceptions and give my DD's the knowledge that they can do whatever they want - but at the same time keep the safe nurturing home that grounds them.

I've seen a job advertised that I would love, it would pick up from where I left off and make me feel worthwhile again. It would however mean a dramatic change in our home circumstances. DH would have to take a much bigger role in the house, and I'm concerned how, or even if, it would work, and the pressure that DD1 would (wrongly) feel to be the "Mum" of the house in my absence.

WWYD? In 5 years my youngest will have left secondary so I haven't got that long left to wait and be free to do whatever I want work wise. On the other hand I would really like to feel like me again, and this might have a positive impact on DD. Or would she feel pressurised into taking care of the home, not by me but by her perception that DH can't or won't?

Hello OP, whether you work or not you have to get the point across to your dd tht it is the way your dh is acting and not the fact you are a sahm.
I too have been a sahm for 23 years and my experience is poles away from yours.
My dh does more than 50% of parenting and housework/domestic responsibilities.
Did your dh not do more when you were working?
Men are only lazy if you let them be, others aren't lazy at all.
I agree with others though your dd should do her share as well.
In our house atm there are 4 of us, ds1 has left now.
So each person usually does a quarter/ or the job once a week.
All hoover, polish, wash up, tidy, clean bathrooms etc.

Hello Harriet

I would allocate your children some tasks around the house eg cooking, cleaning, gardening, cleaning car, put out bins, walk dog, clean windows. tidy room. washing up, hoovering, ironing etc & pay them a small amount in pocket money in return.
Surely at 14 your children should be responsible for some of the household tasks ?

Your children can learn how to save & spend their hard earned money

Going to school and going to work are totally different
There is an element of responsible provision for oneself & for a family in the world of work

Suggest get your children to engage in some local charity or fund raising or voluntary work - helps to widen their horizons

Paper round or baby sitting

Of course men can cook - Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, Heston Blumenthal

Suggest asking your daughter what she knows about car maintenance, DIY & other tasks traditionally seen as male orientated - join a college course

I hope this helps ?

I don't think it really matters whether you work or not, but I do think it's important for you to challenge what your dd seems to have learned about gender roles. I would be very upset if my dd had those views.

Personally, I know from experience that it is entirely possible to create a safe, nurturing home environment and to be a very hands-on parent while also pursuing a career and one's own need for fulfilment. It is important for me to model this for my dd, so that she knows it can be done, without detriment to self or others. However, that's just a personal preference. I know plenty of sahms who have managed to raise their children without reproducing rigid gender stereotypes.