How do you manage work and family? I'm struggling.

[Fishandjam]

Am just after a bit of experience-sharing. Apologies in advance for long post but I don't want to dripfeed.

I have 2 DC, DS aged 5 and DD 2.5. DS has been diagnosed with mild ASD, though he's unstatemented and seems to be doing OK at school. Younger one is at nursery.

I work in a professional job 4 days a week, 9-5. I have an hour commute each way. So DS has to go to pre- and after-school club 8am to 6pm. I rarely get back home with the pair of them before 6.30pm, whereupon we have to do snack/bath/bed in a rush. DS often struggles to settle to sleep and has a lot of anxiety/separation problems, so either I or DH has to stay with him until he's asleep (though we've been doing a staged withdrawal and it seems to be working so far). So by the time we've got him settled and had some dinner, it's usually knocking on 9.30-10pm.

DH works 5 days week, and has a 1.5 hour commute each way (the oposite way from my commute). He isn't often able to do school/nursery pickup or dropoff, though he can do some days. He tries really hard to be home for the kids' bedtime but he usually then has to work again in the evenings.

We have no family help at all - we have to manage everything between us. I do outsource my cleaning though!

Basically, we're all miserable. DH and I are exhausted and snap at each other constantly, as well as at the children. Weekends are basically riot control as DS is so tired on Saturdays from the week at school, he's really hard work. DH and I almost never go out anywhere as a couple as DS struggles to be left with anyone other than us.

I'm also conscious that there's only 1 day a week that DS can do any kind of after-school activity, have playdates etc. Homework, when it comes, has to be done at weekends too.

There is little scope for me to reduce my hours or to rearrange them to achieve an earlier finish each day (I already work short days as our official finish time is 5.30pm). DH can't either. Part-time work in my field is rarer than rocking horse shit generally.

I keep fantasising about just jacking in my job, but while we could just about manage on DH's salary, there would be no savings, no pension contributions, no holidays (we live in the SE where housing costs are a lot). I don't really enjoy my current job - it's well paid but much of the work is singificantly below my experience level, so I'm bored a lot of the time. Yet I know it's a good job and that I should be grateful for it, and I feel I'd be such a failure if I gave it up. I've always worked and have been quite career driven (I had my kids quite late).

I really don't know what to do. Has anyone else been through similar and come out the other side?

I feel for you, I really do.

I think its just not feasible without re-jigging your hours (as a couple) or paying for more help. Is there any way your H could change his work pattern so he could do drop off? Thats what we did, and then I brought my working hours forward quite significantly so I left at 6.15am, got to work at 7.30-7.45 and then left (most days!) by about 4pm so I could collect from nursery / after school at 5.30/5.40pm, be home for 6pm.

I also then compromised on the bedtime routine. They weren't bathed every night, mine needed a full meal but it was something I'd cooked previously (and warmed up) or something very quick like stir fry / fresh pasta with a ready made sauce. I also lowered my standards re ironing etc (all the chores you do at night). If I was cooking for the children at tea time, I would cook for all of us and sometimes eat with them, or warm it up afterwards if I waited for H. I didn't cook a 2nd meal after the children were in bed. I also batch cooked quite a lot at weekend so there was less to do in the week.

If your H can't change his hours, could you look for paid help in the mornings (e.g. look into asking one of the nursery workers at your DD's nursery to come to the house at 7.20/7.30 (so your H can leave) and then drop your DS off at breakfast club before taking your DD to nursery?). One of the mums at nursery did this. It might cost you an hour per day but it would probably make a big difference.

Now, instead of after school club, we use an after school nanny - they are like gold dust but she collects all 3 children, brings them home, gives them tea, baths them, does reading and a bit of homework and when I get in at 6pm, its all done. Don't get me wrong, there is still stuff to do but its not that frantic couple of hours where you find yourself reading bedtime stories in your coat because you've not had chance to take it off.

I think it does get easier as they get older !

Can you find a childminder with flexible hours?

That sounds hellish. No wonder you're miserable. The only suggestion I can think of is such an obvious one that it must be unfeasible otherwise you'd be doing it but wondered about you or Dh or both working from home once or twice a week.

Like Mandy we did that for a while - 'shifts' - enabling one of us to start by 7am, so therefore leaving in time to pick up at 5pm.
Then you do things like realising it's OK not to have a 'beautifuuly prepared dinner' every night, and it's OK for the dc not to have a bath every night, etc.,etc. Ultimately though, the only way for it not to be like that is for one of you to go part time (which I know you said is difficult for you - what about dh?) , or to try to find a job with a shorter commute. I think that's what makes the difference for you.

Could you take a career break from your 'real' career and get a lower paid, part time job whilst the children are small? I know this would mean a big income drop but if you could almost manage on DH's salary then bringing in a little more this way could make a difference, also, don't underestimate just how much money you spend actually going to work.
Please try to think outside your current box, it sounds miserable for all of you and life is too short. Although being v short of money is shit it could be a different kind of shit to your current life.

Submit a flexible working request to reduce your hours to three days per week.
Get an after school nanny who can do tea etc before you get home. If not possible then a childminder.
It is hard. Reducing hours is really worth pushing, apply you never know

That is hard work. I know you said there's not much scope for part time in your work but could you ask anyway? Or ask about working from home a day a week? Could your DH do one day working at home a week?

I would also give up on baths every night and the suggestion about easy food and only cooking once is good.

How about changing your field of employment? If you're bored and it causes all this stress, then the high pay is its only reward. Even a lower paid job in a different field night give you enough to put towards holidays etc.

"it's well paid but much of the work is singificantly below my experience level, so I'm bored a lot of the time"

This sentence really leapt out at me.

Essentially it sounds like what you need to achieve is a promotion and reduction in hours simultaneously. I have no idea if that is achievable in many industries.

Is your job something you could do freelance/on a consultant basis?

What do other - dare I say it - women/mothers at your pay grade/experience level do?

Part time work as a permanent employee is rare in my field. Freelancing and consultancy are common and as you set your own hours you can choose to be part time. That's what I do.

Maybe you are selling yourself short by doing something below your experience level. Maybe you should step up to serious consultancy. Is that an option in your field?

Do you have an extra room for an au pair?

OP have you had a look to see if you would be entitled to working tax credits or other benefits if only your DH worked? You might find you're not as badly off as you think.

It sounds hideous.

Or, find some work that you might be able to do from home - perhaps freelance as Twelve suggested.

I work 4 days a week, usually 2 days from home and 2 days in London with a long commute each way. I can ONLY do this because DH works from home permanently and so picks up the slack in terms of drop offs/pick ups from nursery and doing bedtime. I hate not seeing DS go to bed on those days but the mortgage needs paying.

Have some easy meals on standby. I usually knock a couple of meals up for the next few nights and store them in the fridge
Don't bath the kids every night
Have a slighter later bedtime. My 2 DC's 3 and 7 have always gone to bed about 8.30pm so it's not all rushed when I get in about 6.20pm.

Most nights my DH gets in about 7.45pm -8pm because he does AM drop-off and then changes and starts getting the kids to bed. We eat once they are down for the night so about 8.30pm - 9pm and then DH cleans the kitchen. Perhaps while one is doing bedtime routines the other can prepare dinner or clean up. I would be wary about giving up a well-paid job as the likelihood of being able to return at the same level in a few years will be difficult.

Also it's important to have some 'me' time when you're both working full-time. Often i'll take the kids out for a couple of hours while DH gets a bit of peace and quiet and vice versa

It's very hard with one at school and one at nursery, not much you can do about that until youngest starts school.
Things that have helped us:
Online shopping. I do this weekly but go to supermarket occasionally for stuff I like to choose myself.
Simplifying meals as much as possible. (I get delicious waitrose/M&S healthy options and other "healthy" convenience food. (E.g. Frozen rice, prepared fruit etc). If you and or Dh can eat "properly" at lunchtime then this reduces stress in evening.
Cut corners/lower standards in terms of laundry and housework. E.g. Change bedding every 10 days instead of 7, but change pillowcases in between. Tumble dry stuff until part dry, hang on hangers to avoid ironing.
Re time together. Try and find a babysitter, any friends with older teens. If the children can meet a babysitter a few times and get to know them, they may be happier about being left for an evening?

Could either of you work from home 1 day a week, to cut back on the commute and exhaustion?

Could OH start work earlier/later or have a shorter lunch break to help with the pick ups/drop offs. Or OH work compressed hours?

We too struggle with work and the children and our children are exactly the same age as yours. The only thing that is keeping me from going insane is knowing that dc2 will be starting school in 2016 and I hope things get a bit easier.

OH and I spend out weekends tidying the house, but it doesn't stay tidy for long. We try and spend the weekends doing something 'nice' as a family, so we have something to look forward too. I have a notepad which I write literally everything in, to keep us organised. OH and I have a lie in every other weekend, or one of us will take the children out to give the other a break.

Sending you a big hug.

this sounds really miserable and not much good for the kids

you said you could live on dh's salary, I'd do this and forgo savings and holidays for a few years whilst I got my kids and my marriage together.

I work reduced hours. I don't love my job and the pay is crap. But I start at 9.30 I'm home at 5pm!

DP does compressed hours and is off on a Friday.

Don't bath every night
Use some ready meals
Plan your weekends so everyone gets some "me" time

Would it be possible financially to have a nanny rather than nursery/after school care? Or after school nanny? That way, snack, maybe bath and homework could be dealt with before you get home - and you can go straight home rather than doing collection.

The year when your first starts school and the second isn't there yet was the hardest for me as a working parent - all of us getting used to a new routine, coping with school's expectations, the school starter being knackered and catching every bug known to man and liberally spreading them round the family. My oldest is now in year 2, my youngest has started, and it has been gradually easier ever since.

I was feeling exactly like this last term, it was a hard adjustment hard 2 in different places. My biggest recco would be see if you can find an after school nanny,really helps. Any other working parents you could do nanny share?

I did something similar to this for a few months and it nearly broke all of us. I took demotion to be able to work 9.30 - 2. I'm not achieving anything like what I am capable of in my career but we are ALL happier.

I agree with PP who said take a career break and find a p/t job that fits with family life.

If you and your oh cant or wont cut or redistribute working hours then can you throw money at the problem by hiring someone to help?

You sound like us without the commute.

We are moving out of London with only DH doing the long commute and reducing our mortgage. It just isn't sustainable.

This sounds miserable but also probably unsustainable. I think you need to either find more help with your childcare or reduce working hours and/or reduce commuting time.
It is a shame to be surviving your children's early years more than enjoying them.
Dh and I have been working full time in stressful jobs for 2 years with much shorter commutes than you and no nursery or school pick ups (also no cleaner!) and it has ultimately made me stressed enough to need to leave my job.
Good luck with finding a new healthier balance to your family life.

If you gave up work could you move nearer to DH's job so you are both at home more as his commute is reduced? Would obviously only work if he doesn't 't work in Central London (but if it is an option it would presumably save on housing costs too if you move out of the city.)

You have my sympathy!

Like you I work 4 days a week and OH has a really long commute so stays away couple nights a week and can't do nursery/school drop off even when he is home. It is tough!

Things that have helped me:

1. Spread my hours over 5 days - crap not having a day off and costs more in nursery fees but means I finish at 3ish most days so more time with kids in the evening.
2. work from home once a week (or as often as possible!).
3. don't bath kids every night
4. eat main meal at lunchtime so dinner for me is one less thing to worry about in the evening

Not sure if any if these things are practical for you.

I'm lucky in that I do have family nearby who can help with drop off/pick up. Maybe like others have said you'd be better with a nanny who can have the kids at your home before and after school/nursery. This might give more flexibility to your hours (eg allow you to start earlier and therefore finish earlier)

I really feel for you, it's such a stressful position to be in.
As others have suggested, is it possible for you to share drop offs/pick ups a bit more, or work from home once or twice a week?
I work 9am-5.30pm 5 days a week. I do drop offs at childminder, DH does most of the pick ups. I have an hour commute either way so am rarely home before 6.30. DS has a bath Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday as every night would be unworkable (DH doesn't 'do' bath time). DH is at work for 7 so that he can leave in time to collect DS by 5.30.
DS started preschool in September, I arranged to work from home one day a week during term time so I can take him and collect him. I generally don't get my full 7.5 hours done on that day so make the time up in the rest of the week but it works for us at the moment (just about). We are hoping to have another this year and I've no idea how we'll manage.
Good luck OP