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Original poster

how do you work out who pays 4 c/care?

62 replies

chickyboo · 07/10/2006 08:10

I'm already work part-time at home but have always looked after dd. But now I'm going back to work 2/3 days a week so will get c/care.

Problem is that dh seems to think it's my responsibility to pay 4 c/care soley from my wages.

Is this normal? I already pay for everything she needs as well as groceries and anything that is needed around house.

Hubby does pay mortgage.

How does everyone do money things?

OP posts:
frogs · 11/10/2006 16:55

We also have joint accounts. Everything that comes in belongs to both of us (I earn significantly more than dh, btw), so it follows logically that all expenses are joint. When we were first together I was earning and he wasn't, then when dd1 was born he spent 5 years doing a job he hated to keep our heads above water. We both made a decision to have children (well actually dd1 was an accident but that's another story). By all means agree a monthly amount that each of you can have as discretionary spending for things that are important to you (shoes, say, or CDs) but you have to look at overall household expenditure in the light of the total household income,

I'm afraid I really fundamentally don't get the idea that your dh can't 'afford' to contribute to the childcare costs -- she's the child of both of you, so you share joint responsibility.

Judy1234 · 14/10/2006 11:52

Yes, chiod of you both. Women almost have a sisterly duty to ensure for the sake of their daughter's lives children are NOT seen as their responsibility and that childcare is something men know about and arrange at least as much as women. Never let it be otherwise.

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2006 12:04

I just can't get my head round how people run things so separately - so bloody complicated for a start!

All our money, regardless of how much is from whom, goes into one account and everything goes out of that account. If either of us wants to take money out or buy something, we just do - we don't ask permission! It's one big pot we both have access to for whatever we want.

Easy.

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2006 12:07

Totally agree with you madameplatypus.

Greensleeves · 14/10/2006 12:24

He's having a laugh

You are both parents - you are both responsible for all the expenses of running your home and taking care of your daughter. He's being an arse.

I would have a frank talk with him if I were you - it obviously hasn't dawned on him that being a father is just as much of a commitment as being a mother.

I'm quite surprised that couples have separate finances - I don't understand how that works. If we did that I would starve to death - but we both agree that what I do is important, and I'm very good value for money, compared to the cost of childcare if I worked full-time.

firsttimemama · 14/10/2006 16:18

we have the same arrangement as thebecster and bakedotatooooo..wh, and it works fine for us. I'm not at all shocked about how many people have joint accounts, I would think that was the norm when you have a long term relationship/Kids or a joint mortgage. What I am shocked about is how many women earn more - and significantly more, in lots of cases, as their DP. I don't think I'm being sexist on this matter as DP and I have always earned roughly the same (prior to baby) and I intend to return PT but if these women have SAH partners I can see it for sure. But IME If a women has a high paid job professional/executive i've usually found that her partner had a similir role or similar income! The exception I've found to this was if partner was in a "caring" role ie nurse etc. I certainly don't think women shouldn't earn more - or that there's anything wrong with their DP earning less. I'm just suprised how prevelent it is and how wide the gaps appear to be. What do you Mn's and partners work at if you don't mind me asking?

3sEnough · 14/10/2006 16:45

This is all really interesting for me (SAHM) as my dh earns the money and is too busy to spend any of it poor lad! He pays for everything effectively although I do provide the expert childcare, budgeting skills (which I'm pretty good at) cooking, some cleaning, child teaching, chauffeur etc, etc, etc. Brain surgery is extra. I do however pay for our odd nights out by selling stuff on ebay - great excitement at how the £2.99's add up! Sad but strangely very satisfying.

disemboweledbint · 14/10/2006 17:08

up until we had our daughter we each paid same amount into joint account to cover everything. both earned the same so worked very well. i'll be going back to work part time, so new arrangement is dh pays for all bills inc. mortgage (mortgage is a lot) and i will pay for nursery, groceries and baby's things.

Judy1234 · 15/10/2006 20:17

firsttimemama, most women in the UK still want to "marry up", marry someone who earns more or has capacity to earn more. Many men are content if their women earn less. However about 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 women earn more than their husbands now so I suppose people on this thread who do are in that category. Also I expect women who go back to work might be on average more likely to be in the relationships where they earn more. Often people do a sum - who earns more and who should give up work which is a sexually neutral question about money if they want one of them at home with the children at all.
My ex husband is a teacher. I virtually always earned more which was never a problem until we came to divorce and I had to pay him loads of money...... The worst cases are women who worked, man didn't, woman loses children on divorce and has to pay.

dreamteamgirl · 15/10/2006 21:24

TBH, I pay for almost everything
I earn roughly twice what DP does (he is in admin, I am a senior manager grade to answer your q firstimemama), but he does do the salary sacrifice for the childcare vouchers as well as me, and then I pay the balance... I never have sussed out what he does with the rest of his money, cos I pay mortgage and all the bills too!!

firsttimemama · 19/10/2006 02:46

thanks for that info Xenia - 1 in 5 women earning more seems closer to what I thought would be the case - probably more than I would have guessed - (I may have said 1 in 8), but on this thread -and I haven't gone back to check it, it seemed higher women earners were in the majority - possibly more of a reflection on the demograph of MN's.

threebob · 19/10/2006 03:38

I could be way off the mark here - but if you reckon he should have 400 pounds left, and he reckons he can't afford to contribute - is there anything he isn't telling you - like a gambling problem, or a debt you don't know about.

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