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Original poster

how do you work out who pays 4 c/care?

62 replies

chickyboo · 07/10/2006 08:10

I'm already work part-time at home but have always looked after dd. But now I'm going back to work 2/3 days a week so will get c/care.

Problem is that dh seems to think it's my responsibility to pay 4 c/care soley from my wages.

Is this normal? I already pay for everything she needs as well as groceries and anything that is needed around house.

Hubby does pay mortgage.

How does everyone do money things?

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 09/10/2006 22:06

I'm with Twig, it's our money, in 1 account to which we both have access. Trust is implicit.

HuwEdwards · 09/10/2006 22:07

..and although I understand what WWW is implying when she mentions you're married, we are not.

gemmum · 10/10/2006 08:22

Everything is 'ours' in our house. Joint account and everything simply comes from there....can't understand how you can have his/hers money!? We are a family and dh actually earns 9% of the income its still all 'ours', since stopping work i thought i might feel uncomfotable or get sarchastiv remarks but no - it works really well for us - no resentment from him.

Gemma

gemmum · 10/10/2006 08:22

oops meant to say 90% of wage, lol

anniemac · 10/10/2006 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kslatts · 10/10/2006 10:08

We have a joint account where both our wages are paid in, I earn more than DH, but don't see that as relevant. At the end of the month the mortgage and other bills get paid including childcare costs, whatever is left we both spend. Some months I spend more, some months DH does.

foxinsocks · 10/10/2006 10:14

We don't have joint accounts because we've always kept our bank accounts the way they were before we met (we're with different banks).

However, having separate accounts doesn't change the way we view money and everything either of earn is considered as joint income.

When I was working full time, I paid the childcare out of my account and dh paid the mortgage out of his. We did it this way as I was the one who negotiated with the nursery so I felt happier that it came out of my account. Food and all other expenses normally came out of his account as he had more left after the mortgage than I did after childcare!

Just because your accounts are separate doesn't mean you can't manage your money as a partnership. You need to change his attitude unfortunately.

fennel · 10/10/2006 10:19

I happen to pay childcare and DP the mortgage as I have had a workplace nursery so it has to come out of my wages. But all our money is joint, whichever account or salary pays it.

we've always shared 50:50 even when DP was a high earner and I was a debt-ridden postgrad (that was quite a convenient approach for me at the time)

Judy1234 · 10/10/2006 10:51

One gneral point by the way if people aren't married whatever you do make sure you pay at least part of the mortgage. Makes a huge difference if you split up however unfair that seems.

fennel · 10/10/2006 11:20

Xenia it shouldn't make any difference if you have the mortgage in joint names. But it will make a big difference if the mortgage is in just one person's name and you're not married.

Judy1234 · 10/10/2006 16:53

True. I was assuming say a house the boy friend has and she moves into and he keeps it still in his name and pays the mortgage. If instead she paid half she might get half the house if they split. Even better for her is if they both go on the deeds and mortgage and then she doesn't even have to pay.....

ElleMacpherson · 10/10/2006 17:03

does not seem to be exception rather than the norm on MNet though rookie

fennel · 10/10/2006 17:09

Xenia I would think she might be in trouble if she's paying half the mortgage and the house isn't in her name, she still might end up with nothing if they split (am not a lawyer but am currently working with lawyers who are expert in cohabitation issues).

best to have house in joint names, or to pay nothing and expect nothing, I'd say.

MadamePlatypus · 10/10/2006 17:13

We have been together for almost 10 years, and during that time sometimes I have earnt much more than DH, and sometimes the other way round. We have always pooled our money and had equal amounts to spend on 'fun' things. It wouldn't occur to me that one of us paid the mortgage and the other didn't. (NB: for the great majority of this time we didn't have children and weren't married, but have always been committed to each other).

It is definitely worth taking into account the cost of childcare v. what you earn if you are trying to decide whether to go back to work, but if I was the main breadwinner and DH was working part time, it would never occur to me to think in terms of him having to pay for childcare by himself - we are both parents.

charlyp · 10/10/2006 17:22

We have separate accounts for our wages as before marriage but join accoumnt for all shared costs, bills, mortgage, insurance, etc. We both make a monthly payment into joint account for standard costs, then I bill him monthly for housekeeping things which i buy during the month, groceries, diy stuff

we split cost of holidays and stuff like that

he pays for dinners out because he earns abit more than me

we both save abit and whats left is our own

we are going to have our first next year all being well and when i go back to work childcare will come out of the joint account payment for sure

bakedpotatooooowoooh · 10/10/2006 17:22

Interesting thread.
DH an I have our own accounts.
We also both pay a fixed amount monthly into a joint account, from where we pay bills/childcare. He earns more than me, he pays more in. He also pays for holidays.
We buy our own clothes/treats/frivolities with our own money. (It would feel weird to me, buying DH's Xmas present out of the joint account.)

hana · 10/10/2006 17:35

isn't it your money jointly?
don't understand this my money your money stuff

Ladymuck · 10/10/2006 17:42

All of our money is joint. At present I tend to be the bill payer, budget planner and tracker, but over the years we've shared that too.

Dh is only interested in one amount - how much is his budget for his hobby? The only time we ever seem to discuss money is if circs ever threaten to reduce that amount...

Sounds as if dh needs a reality check. What did he expect would happen when you started a family? Also if you can't account for his cash then I'd be worried. As his wife you have a right to know IMO.

bewilderbeast · 10/10/2006 17:54

So glad to see I'm not the only one with this sort of problem. We had a huge row about it last week. My partner hates the concept of a joint acount and got all pissy about me spending his money. We work for the same organisation. He earns considerably more than me. I own the house, he moved in in April, but we are selling it and the money will then be totally joint ie what doesn't go in for a deposit will be used to do the building work and anything left over will be put into a joint account. He is paying for the solicitors fees, the estate agent and the stamp duty. I think this is a fair arrangement as in the long run he will earn more than me until he retires and will therefore probably have to carry more of the financial burden so I guess it works out even in the end. I see it as our money. Yet we have a joint account, which he seems to think I forced on him, to pay the mortgage household bills etc. I pay all the car costs including all the petrol to get us everywhere, he pays nothing because he doens't drive and its not his car! Splitting the weekly shopping is a nightmare. To be fair to him he pays for all the treats but I would prefer it if our joint account dealt with all bills including the shopping and that we split things more equitably to avoid anymore arguments. I am so envious of those of you who split everything with no hassle and view the money as yours. I would still want us to have seperate accounts for our "fun" money but can't see how our current system will work with a baby and all the expense associated

GarfieldsGirl · 10/10/2006 18:44

I've never understood the 'my money, your money' thing. All of my friends have seperate bank accounts from their DP/DH. Those who both work have the fuss over who pays for what, and those who don't are given an 'allowance' for food etc each week or month. It all seems like a really strange set up to me. If you can make commitments like marriage, buying a house & having children, then why the fuss over a joint account?

DP & I have had a joint account for years. It means that everything comes out of the one account, and everything left over is ours. Equally.

If you're going to share those commitments I've mentioned, then surely you have to share the money too?

MadamePlatypus · 10/10/2006 20:59

I think it is important to remember that once you have children, while one partner may earn more than another, this is often made possible by the fact that the other partner bears more of the childcare responsibility. The partner who bears most of the childcare responsibility often has to sacrifce promotion because of a career break, working part time, not being able to work overtime etc. etc. Obviously they may be doing this willingly, but it is still completely wrong IMO for the higher earning partner to feel that they have a 'right' to control more of the money coming into the household.

Original poster

chickyboo · 11/10/2006 10:58

Well I'm still in shock at how many couples have joint accounts.

I've tried to talk to DH but he just starts to hold his arm and say I'm giving him a heart attack (really). So I need to focus on starting my new job and once I'm on level playing ground I will gradually get him to take more responibilty.

I think this problem stems from the fact that when we first met I was the main earner and he could hardly afford to pay mortgage, since then I have become student and had DD. So lots of changes.

Basically I used to pay for everything when working most of mortgage, food, holidays and going out.

OP posts:

USAUKMum · 11/10/2006 11:51

We also have a joint account. In fact everything is in our joint names (bills, house, etc). We have basically had to do this since we got married for Immigration reasons as it "shows commitment" so made DH green card slighty easier to get. As well as for the UK government and my residency here.

We've been through all earning combos, when we were first married DH couldn't work because of waiting for green card. Then we both had jobs, but I earned lots more, then I went parttime after DD, and he earned more, now I stay at home.

thebecster · 11/10/2006 15:21

I do pay for childcare, but that's because, like Bozza, my work has a voucher scheme but DH's doesn't. Also I earn twice as much as DH so it's only fair... We have a joint account, which most of the bills come out of, and we both pay an agreed amount into the joint account once a month (I pay in a bit more than DH, because I earn more). But we both have our own accounts as well, which our salaries go into. So everything that is just for 'me' and not for 'us' comes out of my own account. And if I want to buy him a present (or vice versa), it doesn't come out of the joint account. My DH prefers this arrangement because he likes to feel he has some independence of me financially. Works for us... Maybe this compromise might work for your DH? And head off that early heart attack

Judy1234 · 11/10/2006 16:35

It's particularly important to get this right if you're not married as your rights on divorce are so much worse if you're the lower earner and things like who technically paid the mortgage bill rather than much higher childcare/food bills matters hugely (although even then ideally get on the mortgage/deeds too).

If you're married it's just a very important day to day issue. Everything joint worked for my ex husband and me for nearly 20 years because we had a similar attitude to spending and money and we thought of everything as ours, not his or mine. higher earners resenting paying money to lower earners is fairly common even if they both work but not very nice at all. If I remarried to protect the children etc I would keep my income separate I think. Saying child care is a woman's issue is incredibly sexist as children have two parents. SImiarly saying mortgage are men's stuff sounds about 50 years out of date. So for the sake of achieving gender equality it would be better if both paid for both.

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