Shiny new job turned to shit

[UnhappyProjectManager]

Seven weeks into my lovely new job as an IT project manager, I think I've made a big mistake. My boss is incredibly uncompromising about business solutions, and I don't think I can deliver something usable to the business that meets his very narrow criteria.

What's worse, he shouts at me. I dread our weekly meetings, and today he made me cry, which I've never done at work before.

I would leave like a shot, except I'm a bit less than 2 years into my return to work after a very long break.

I don't know whether to call it quits now, and take a hit to my CV, or stick it out until Christmas, and get 6 months under my belt, meanwhile being very unhappy, and probably failing to deliver.

I wonder if anyone has got any advice?

Oh no!! I'm no expert (and someone will probably have better advice) but I'd probably call it quits now so it doesn't affect your confidence/self-esteem. 2 years is still ok, no? If there's no reasoning with your manager and they won't change their behaviour then I'd leave. I dont think shouting at people is ever acceptable. I'm sorry this happened - it must be such a disappointment after being so excited about a new job.

Any chance you can go back to your old company?

I am coming round to that way of thinking, Crumbelina. I now feel like a flake for crying, instead of being robust enough to stand up to a drubbing.

He was very apologetic, and said he'd try and change, but he's been in this job for many years, and hasn't felt the need to, although his run-ins with colleagues are legendary.

Job market look quiet at the moment, and I am very specialised. I might have to wait a couple of weeks.

Galaxy, old company paid peanuts, although was otherwise lovely. I needed to move for career progression. Plus I helped recruit my replacement before I went.

Surely as the project manager, the deliverables are not all down to you? Your role should be to facilitate and organise activities/try to control the budget? Can you prepare a presentation giving facts/planning/risks/timescales etc and meet with him to discuss what needs to be done and where you need better support from other teams etc ?

I would stick at it a bit longer but actively look for something. Go for interviews if they come up and if offered a job, then weigh up the options and see how you feel. Maybe you need a few more weeks to settle in and you might start to be able to deal better with your boss and understand how he ticks. Or maybe he is a complete dick and will never change. If so, get out!

I stuck out a job for 9 months with a bitch of a boss. She was fairly new to the company too, and drove few of us out, even people who had been there a while. I frequently cried at night and dreaded going into work. It was very stressful. I worried how a short job spell would look on my CV but in future interviews, I was just honest and said it wasn't a good fit for me. It didn't bother my now current employer.

I work for an IT company and the best project managers are the ones who are prepared to kick arse a bit. Try to take some emotion out of it and present him with hard facts. If we do x then this is the result, if we do y, then etc, after discussing with such and such my recommendation is that we do z....

It's horrible being new :(

It's totally inappropriate to shout at you

If your options are leave or sort it then I'd suggest speaking to him first and saying that you find it intolerable.

Are your skills v marketable? Is contracting an option?

Don't feel like a flake! I'd put on a brave face and then scuttle off to the ladies and cry my eyes out if someone shouted at me at work! My DH has to deal with some awful US banking clients who think nothing of shouting at him on calls. I'm slowly convincing him to look for a new job. I know it's affecting him as it makes him question how good he is at his job.

You can deliver without shouting at people

It's unacceptable

2 years back is FINE IMO

Can you stick it while you're looking and say on your cv that it was a contract?

My DH is an IT project director and he doesn't need to shout or kick arse to get results or get the best out of people. It's unacceptable.

The new Project Manager is going to be the fall guy if deliverables don't get delivered.

We are at the feasibility/strategy stage on my two main projects, at the moment, in a situation where both these projects have been around for a couple of years without achieving anything because funnily enough, they always fail because of lack of business buy in.

Now I have the skills to achieve business buy in, but not if I am hamstrung at the outset on the tools I can use, because he has pre-decided this, and it is cast in stone.

I have previously been an IT director (pre children) and never made a member of staff cry, despite inevitable disagreements. You can put your point across in a measured fashion IMO, without destroying your staff member.

He has told other team members to fuck off. I really would just walk out if he did that.

That doesn't sound good at all(!) and I agree that a prospective employer is likely to understand that things don't work out sometimes. It's not as if you've been going from job to job. Could you start a search in earnest which will hopefully make you feel a bit more detached as you know you can hopefully leave in the near future.

This sounds like a stupid question but have you TOLD him in no uncertain terms what the constraints are (his, of course, but I wouldn't phrase it like that). How you can see a path to success but xyz needs to happen. Have a google of Transactional Analysis if you don't know about it already. If you have the expertise to do this ( and it sounds like you do) you have to face him out. Do it with facts, not emotion.

Does your employer have a code of conduct? Even if they don't, being shouted at and told to fuck off is not acceptable, and I would consider going to HR for advice. (Well, no, what I actually did was read my CoC and then do a mini-training session on it in a team meeting, emphasising all the bits about respectful work place. Alongside that, I complained to his manager, but I'd been in my role for a few years rather than a few weeks at that point.)

When you say he's uncompromising, do you mean he doesn't listen to input from others at all? I do find not being listened to very wearing. I don't mind if my ideas aren't always followed - there may be valid reasons not to. But I do expect to have a hearing at least. Especially when I'm right.

Crumbelina, I think I've decided to do that. I will start over the long weekend. I thought I would try and stick it out until Christmas, but seeing as I'm unlikely to achieve anything, why prolong the pain.

Portofino, I had to Google it, but realised I'd read I'm OK, You're Ok about 30 years ago. Not sure how it would help. Can you elaborate? He definitely adopts the parent role, and I uncontrollably revert to child.

EBearHug, I know HR is the official way to go, but I can't see solution that way. He doesn't listen to what he doesn't want to hear, just closes me down rather unpleasantly. He won't listen to reasoned arguments, but escalates to shouting, at which point, it appears I collapse.

I've got to go, haven't I?

Thanks everyone, this has really helped me clarify my thoughts. I know what I'm going to do now.

Best of luck!! I know the HR solution sounds good in theory but if he's been there for years, is stuck in his ways and hasn't been disciplined for telling people to eff off previously then I doubt it'll make much difference. Onward and upward!

Um no- you don't have to go. Yes he is indeed Critical Parent if you go on my TA suggestion. So you look him in the eye, explain what the problem is and ask what you are both going to do about it. Why should you run away? There are ways of dealing with this.

If you found yourself working for a fuckwit bully in Tesco's my advice would be different. If you are a professional person, you can at least try to turn this around.

And TA is so not 30 years ago. You take a deep breath and speak to him like he speaks to you. Not rudely. You are not a child, you are an expert in your field. You have experience and know what is causing the problem. Tell him. Present your argument. At least try it before giving up. What can it hurt?

But why would you expend all that effort and energy on someone who is unlikely to change in the long-term? It's only been 7 weeks and he's shouting. Far better to use that energy on the job search ... I bet your CV is up to date and you're still well prepared for interview questions.

And why should some bloke bully you out of a good job?

If you are going to go, you should at least tell them why when you do. We have a manager here - people have left, saying privately it's because of him, but they've not said it to HR or senior management that that's why. When I spoke to HR about him, they said they'd only ever heard good things about him. I was literally open-mouthed in shock - but when I thought about it, I realised probably no one does take it there. I have come across people who think, he's the manager, so I have to take the shouting (no, you don't! )

The one thing I do know is that things will not change if people just leave without complaining about such behaviour. Managers get away with it for years because they go unchallenged for years, but we all have the right to be treated with respect in the workplace.

It's also ineffective - if shouty manager has a go, you just think, that's the way he is, I happen to be the one who was passing at the time today. There's another manager, who if he told me off, I'd be gutted, because I would know I actually deserved it.