Has anyone ever had to choose between job and family?

[markMinkowski]

I started a thread in chat but it probably sounded a bit weird. Reposted here. Basically I am in the position of someone from 1 or 2 generations ago, having to choose between career and having a family. Does anyone have any advice on how to actually get on with it?

*(posted the stuff below in Chat)**

I find myself aged 38 in what should be a dream job, just wanting to tell my totally unsympathetic boss to shove it, I'm going home to have babies...

I've spent the last 20 years in a career - academic science - that I've grown to hate at times, getting increasingly burnt out and apathetic because of the relentless hours, the immature egotistical colleagues, the low pay, the job insecurity, the need to move countries all the time... But because it's totally defined me and ruled pretty much every waking hour, and because the work is actually quite fun, I now have no idea how to just quit and walk away. People who walk away are viewed as total failures. Noone ever tells you how to actually leave academia, you normally just get spat out of the system by failing to get a job.

I have recently started a job where I'm the high profile expert being brought in from the other side of the world because i know how to do stuff that my bosses don't. But actually I think the project I'm working on is mostly pointless, I find my bosses depressingly immature, and I just don't want to be here anyway.

I got married 6 months ago, my husband is at home on the other side of the world in a good job, and I actually just want to go back and be with him, and have a child, and be a SAHM. But there are almost no jobs there in anything at all... so I would have to commit myself to giving up the career completely.

I'm too scared to leave, because I know that if I burn bridges by walking out of a perfectly good job where i have been hired on my own terms at some inconvenience to my employers, it will get around to potential future employers and I'll never get another job doing anything academic. Which is a problem if I live in a small town where the university is the only employer and people in every relevant department know my current boss.

Help sad - how do I do this? I can't stand the thought of being here for another 2.5 years.

Mmmm, at the risk of outing myself, your post resonates so much with my life right now that I had to contribute.

I left my academic, full-time, permanent post a couple of months ago. I thought that after having a child I could go back to work, no problem, but that was not the case. I felt very strongly that I could not leave him with someone else, and with basically two full-time jobs I had to choose the one I could not reject, so I decided to quit my job. (Which btw was not where my dp lived so I would have had to travel a lot)
Will I regret this in the future? Yes, I already am and I knew I would, because I have been doing this for the past 20 years, because it has been what defined me, because I was proud of who I was, because sometimes being with dc is the most boring thing ever, and so forth. However, did I love my job so much that it was worth losing time with dc for? No. I was a glorified administrator, I was paid little considering all the hours of work, I was never good enough (though I was good!), I had to swallow a lot, and there were times in which I was really bored, really really bored by my job. What I miss is something else, not my job. I miss the research, meeting interesting students who then become more than students you teach, having lots of amazing conversations. But all this was becoming less and less possible because of the admin, so really the job that I miss now does not exist.

Obviously I am lucky to have a husband who can maintain us all, and we are trying for another child (do not underestimate the pressure trying for a child might cause. We went very lightly into having our first, and it worked out easily, but this time for some reason it all seems so complicated, unattainable, scary, even though I do not have reasons to think that it should be so), so if we are successful I do not think that I will be able to think about anything else but raising children for the next 3 years at least. After that I will see what I want to do, or maybe I will think about it during these three years. But I decided that I would pass this time thinking about me and my family and about enjoying this time we have together.

I will regret what I have done, I am sure about that. But one morning I woke up and thought that if I died on that day my tombstone would have said 'She worked hard'. There is another thing that I heard and that made me think 'It's already later than you think'. I want to do more than work in this life, and I am lucky enough to be able to try. Plus what if I had continued working even if I was not convinced about that and in five years I realised that I should not have done so and that I should have passed my time with my family? For me, that would be so much more regrettable. 'It's already later than you think' reminds me that I have already worked really hard, that I have already lived off a suitcase, eaten sandwiches for days on end, that I have stayed in my office when many were with their families, that I have not seen the seasons passing because I was stuck in my office looking at the screen or at books. Now I really like the sun on my skin when I am at the playground with dc. In five years I might regret not having kept up with publications, or not having kept my demanding and less than rewarding job, but right now I am happy, and dc is happy, and this is all that matters, as much as before only my articles mattered.

Does this help you at all? I do not know. You are the only one who knows whether your work is worth your time, whether you can afford to be maintained for a while, whether your dp is the right person for you, whether you can enjoy your life even though perhaps you will not be the same you anymore.

wokeup-I could have written your post.

I was in an almost identical situation. I too took a leap of faith- that was 16 years ago. I don't regret it for a moment, in fact I am so pleased I trusted my instincts, my life has turned out so much fuller that it would have done. As my children prepare to test their own wings I see what a impact a childhood of mud pies, carefree days and loving has done for them.

deep, very very true

I gave up a job I loved, not because I didnt like it or was loving being at home all day every day doing the same thing that was sometimes mind numbingly boring, but because I didnt want to leave my child in childcare all day, there was never a choice for me. It was a leap of faith and quite unpopular at the time, as everyone seemed to feel a career was more important (or maybe just what I read here, a lot...). BUT I had to still earn, dh is earning not even 20k, so I've taken a lot of badly paid, very menial part time jobs that have always fitted around the kids and the school terms. I dont regret giving up my job, as I said I didnt feel there was a choice, I just wanted to bring up my kids and not have them in childcare most of the week.

I'll never ever regret it, thats like saying I regret them, I'm in a job I did 30 years ago getting minimum wage now, its so hard and quite depressing, but I cant ever say I regret it, I made my "choice" and see the benefits every day.

" As my children prepare to test their own wings I see what a impact a childhood of mud pies, carefree days and loving has done for them. "

exactly.

ssd- I agree with what you say about not having a choice. I too felt that. Although I intended to go back to work it just wasn't going to happen. Wild horses couldn't have dragged my babies out of my arms.

Picturesinthefirelight - did your DH talk much about how the decision felt? Also, did he come back with the new job already lined up? or was he stepping into the void when he resigned from the old job?

Softcookie and ssd, thanks

Wokeupwithasmile - thanks for that. I can understand so much of it. I am currently a postdoc but had an untenured lectureship a while back, so can particularly relate to the job you miss being one that no longer exists for academics. It exists in good postdocs (the ones where you have a nice lab, and a nice boss, and freedom to get on with your work and also do some teaching if you want), but only the independently wealthy living somewhere like London with tons of postdoc opportunities, could actually enjoy the prospect of being a postdoc for life. For me postdocing (ad the untenured lectureship) has always been about gut-wrenching fear of what's (not) coming next.

Wokeup, Deep, Ssd and Combusti - Thankyou for that perspective. I'm lucky enough that we can probably afford to have at least one child on DH's salary alone. So I would be able to do the early years stuff without having to try to find childcare (which is another problem in our hometown - nowhere near enough places available, making it very hard for all the unemployed mothers to ever get employment if it ever comes up).

Career-change can be positive. I just need to find the courage to get on with it.

If your DH is in a university town, then there will be jobs you can do, even alternative careers if that's what you want. Exit from academic science doesn't necessarily mean no more interesting job. You already have loads of transferable skills (writing, project management etc etc).
Also if you do come back to UK and poss elsewhere there are now career re entry schemes which might be a possibility?
I'm an academic scientist with 2 kids, work part time and on probation for tenure. It's a bit bonkers, tbh, but I was doing a part time phd all the time they were small, which meant I got what was,for me a reasonable compromise between children and job.
I think if children are in your life plan you probably do need to be in same place as DH ASAP.
Good luck!

Thanks wearymum

The university town's in quite bad shape, university shedding staff, in a country with a failing economy, which is why I am worried about getting any sort of job at all, but your point is generally correct. And huge respect for being on tenure track with 2 kids!!

God, don't quit until you are heavily pregnant or have another job. I quit a senior management job after having a baby in my mid 30s and don't regret it at all. I do a small amount of freelance work, enough to keep my cv ticking over, my DH and I now live in the same country and I get to spend loads of time with DS. I spent a long time trying to conceive though, so in your situation I could have ended up sitting around for five years! I think you should try to get a job closer to your DH and work out how you can up you chances of conceiving. Could one of you negotiate home working for a week a month? After you're pregnant you can see how you feel about giving up work.