Has anyone ever had to choose between job and family?

[markMinkowski]

I started a thread in chat but it probably sounded a bit weird. Reposted here. Basically I am in the position of someone from 1 or 2 generations ago, having to choose between career and having a family. Does anyone have any advice on how to actually get on with it?

*(posted the stuff below in Chat)**

I find myself aged 38 in what should be a dream job, just wanting to tell my totally unsympathetic boss to shove it, I'm going home to have babies...

I've spent the last 20 years in a career - academic science - that I've grown to hate at times, getting increasingly burnt out and apathetic because of the relentless hours, the immature egotistical colleagues, the low pay, the job insecurity, the need to move countries all the time... But because it's totally defined me and ruled pretty much every waking hour, and because the work is actually quite fun, I now have no idea how to just quit and walk away. People who walk away are viewed as total failures. Noone ever tells you how to actually leave academia, you normally just get spat out of the system by failing to get a job.

I have recently started a job where I'm the high profile expert being brought in from the other side of the world because i know how to do stuff that my bosses don't. But actually I think the project I'm working on is mostly pointless, I find my bosses depressingly immature, and I just don't want to be here anyway.

I got married 6 months ago, my husband is at home on the other side of the world in a good job, and I actually just want to go back and be with him, and have a child, and be a SAHM. But there are almost no jobs there in anything at all... so I would have to commit myself to giving up the career completely.

I'm too scared to leave, because I know that if I burn bridges by walking out of a perfectly good job where i have been hired on my own terms at some inconvenience to my employers, it will get around to potential future employers and I'll never get another job doing anything academic. Which is a problem if I live in a small town where the university is the only employer and people in every relevant department know my current boss.

Help sad - how do I do this? I can't stand the thought of being here for another 2.5 years.

Can your DH not come to you?

Not wishing to be alarmist....but at 38 if you want children you should probably start trying sooner rather than later. You might fall quickly, but if you don't at least you have a few years to consider help etc.

I feel for you as it sounds very. specialised. Are you sure there are no options longer term if you leave the role now?

I was you late 30s. FT, permanent position. I left cause I had a toddler. Went on to have another child 4 years later when the first started school. I was living with my dh though.

At 50, I now regret packing it all in. Negotiating a fractional appt doesn t really work in academia as you do the same work often. I ve gone back on a casual contract but it s very insecure. I never kept up with publishing so I think that was my downfall really. You might be able to do that I guess. I just didn t want to. I wanted to spend all my time with the kids. And I loved doing that. You pay for it, however.

Hi there. 38 and burned out here, too, although not in academia.

My children are older though I'd love another... So I think I get where you're coming from.

I think the first thing would be to start trying for children ASAP. You don't want to take drastic steps yet, and realistically you could be looking at 18 months before you have to make a decision (3 months ttc, 9 months pregnancy, 6 months mat leave).

If you have some savings... Dh is secure... And you can afford to take some time off... Then bloody hell, go for it. "Having it all", IMO and experience, doesn't mean having it all AT THE SAME TIME... So if you've had 15 years of hard, fun work... Take a few years to be a full time mum... And take it from there. You may end up doing something completely different, or retrain (teacher, perhaps?) or... You don't know.

Resist the temptation to plan every minute of your life until retirement... One step at a time... Trust in fate.

That is my advice ;)

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Thanks all for the ideas.

Totally aware I have no time to waste. Unfortunately DH is the one with the permanent job living in our recently-bought house, with no ability to take any sabbaticals because things are very tight in his university, MrsMargo (love the name by the way - are you my mother ?!! ;-)

Frozennortherner - your point about packing it in resonates. TBH i think if I go back I'm not going to get a job anyway, because there are so few jobs, but having no pension does leave me pretty scared. So I am really worried about the vulnerability if I have no job, one or more children, no pension and then something happens to DH.

Softcookie- you're saying what I want to hear!

Time to think about booking that plane ticket.

Not in the same position (quite) but would like to say ^^ what softcookie said. How does the saying go, 'no one on their death bed wishes they'd worked more..'

good luck x

I'm so good at giving advice, aren't i? And yet I can't heed it myself. In so fed up of where I am with my life and just want to pack it all in... But too scared!

Perhaps we should start a support thread... ?

I was in a similar position a couple of years ago and gave up a job in academia to have family and follow DH around the world. This all fitted in with coming to the end of my contract, and having a new head of department who was a bully. 10 years later we are settled back in a different city in the UK with children in school. I now find myself unable to get a job and feel quite resentful of how much I've given up. I also feel slightly guilty about not earning any money when we could do with a bit of extra.
I'm not sure what I would advise other than you have to be certain that your relationship is worth giving up the other stuff for. How will you find it going from being successful and independent to being financially dependent on someone else? Will you resent your DH when his career is at a high and you've spent the day cleaning and cooking. It's emotionally difficult, and I have a very supportive DH who leaves me control of the bank account and spending.

I threw a job in scientific research to the wind when I had my first child- at the age of 38. I thought I would go back to work but did not want anyone else to care for my babies.

Needs determoned that I had to find a way of maiking money for myself fitting around the children, so I did, now 16 years on still working from home ( earning as much as my OH). Very happy being able to fit my work around my needs and those of my family.

Had I not taken that leap of faith i would not be in the good position I am now.

Deepinthewoods, may I ask what you do?

I have two main ways of making money. I write articles, product descriptions, company profiles, travel blogs: I also sell used books online.

I gave up my senior management role after 2 dc as I was nolonger able to work the crazy unpredictable hours the job required or do the international travel element of the role. Dh also had a 'big job' and we could not manage both. I looked at the skills I had and the bits of my job I liked and decided to go into HR. DId my professional qualifications when Ds was small and had no probs finding a part time HR job albeit at a much lower level and less pay than my previous salary! I have moved upwards a bit since then but won't do a big senior job again cos I love the work life balance I have now.

Isabella, that's really inspiring, thanks for sharing.

Can I ask how old you were when you "converted"? I am 38 and freaking out I've left it too late to sort myself out and I'm too old to retrain as anything.

I love the sound of deepinthewoods's venture, too :)

I should think most woman choose between jobs and families at some point, mn is full of this!

I wouldn't quit until you are 3 months of though.

At 38 you might never be able to get pg, or if you do the mc risk is higher.

Tbh I know it's harsh but why didn't you think about this 10/15 years ago?

Nasty post weatherall. I had my first child at 38. Why the need to be so harsh? You can't judge someone like this.

It would be a no brainier for me. I thought I was going to have to do the same and be a SAHM and forget my career, but an unexpected job came along and now I'm working part time. If it came down to it though family would always always come first.

Make sure you can conceive first before jacking it all in. My cousin did that and it took her years to conceive and it was really bad for her mental health as it was all she had to focus on.

I cannot think of a less helpful post, weatherall.

A support thread sounds good. I think many / most / all women have at least moments of this dilemma.

Honestly though my (horribly sensible and over cautious) advice would be:

• Put the big girls pants on and get on with your new job for now. That fear you have about just walking out is a fear because it wouldn't do you any long term good.

- Plan a dignified and professional exit at a point that won't burn bridges

• think of something that you can do that you would prefer - either finding a better science based work place or start retraining for a new role

- Work towards that plan.

A 15 year career isn't something to chuck away lightly. But you can't ignore how unhappy it is making you.

I was 36 when I did my professional qualifications, 37 when I got a new job and 39 when I had dc2. tbh I went for 3 interviews and was offered all 3 jobs. The feedback I got was that I was honest about why I had changed careers and the employers liked my varied experience. your age and late career change will not be a problem! you just need to work out what skills you have and what you want to do!

There is life after academia but it can be very different! Its many years since I stepped away and I have the odd moment when I miss my old life, but I have other things instead. For a few years I did odd bits like visiting lectures, (poorly paid!) but once ds eventually came along (and I became out of date) I really did not have the time or the energy for keeping up. I was able to side step into a clinical area so I now work part time in that field. Ds now in his teens, has SN so that takes up most of my time - and energy!! I think time is of the essence here too. Good luck!

Many thanks everyone for the advice. General points in reply -

Packing in a 15 year career to return to a town where I may never get a decent job is obviously not great. ThinkAboutItTomorrow's advice on dignified and professional exit and working towards another goal is good, and I am thinking about that. The tales of those who packed it in and found new things to do are inspiring. The tales of those who now resent it sound like I will probably sound in 10-15 years, but given the circumstances of the town where DH has his job and we have our house, the choice is really stay overseas, or pack it all in with the risk of becoming one of the pack of mothers with PhDs treating the local high school's Parent-Teacher Committee as an academic staff meeting.

I'm aware that at 38 I have no time to lose re TTC. As my DH and I live on opposite sides of the planet and spend at most 2 of my monthly cycles per year together, the chances of me getting pregnant are very low. It could happen, but the overwhelming likelihood is that it won't. So I think I do need to cut this job short if I am going to have a shot at children.

As to whether my DH is worth giving it all up for - I have given it a lot of thought, and moving overseas for this job was partly an exploration of whether the relationship would last. It has actually got stronger and more open, and was in a good place before anyway, so I think I would cope OK with going back, and so would DH. He's already overtaken me academically - I used to be the hot shot while he was the one dragging his feet - so I have already got used to him having good days at work while I grit my teeth with boredom!

That brings me to "why didn't you think of this 10 or 15 years ago?".

First, weatherall, do you ask everyone that kind of question? I recommend engaging your brain before you open your mouth.

Secondly - if you really want to know - After an upbringing that had taught me no useful powers of social discrimination whatsoever, 15 years ago I was a suicidal PhD student with a choice boyfriend who slept with 7 other people in the 6 years we went out and lied constantly, even about failing his PhD viva. Thankfully he ran off and became someone else's problem. 10 years ago I was in hospital with Hodgkin's lymphoma, occasionally being visited by psychologists about the suicidal thoughts, and rather more rarely being visited by Mr. Choice #2, an egomaniac alcoholic hospital consultant who was also sleeping around at every opportunity and lying about it. Again, thankfully he dumped me for a younger and healthier model.

So in all the hours i had to think about career and children, my thoughts were mostly "I would like to have a career, and I would like to have children, but now isn't really the time" - just like pretty much everyone else who leaves trying to conceive this late. Thankfully, the cancer disappeared at about the time I met my (now) DH, and things have improved from there, in all areas but my drive for my career.

Finally, a support thread sounds very sensible. Thanks everyone.

Yes, my husband did last year.

He gave up his dream job teaching at degree level in a college that is known as bring one if the best in its field to come home & teach in a school at post 16 level.

Although the school it has to be said is still a leader in the field of this particular type if education.

Weatherall... If you're still reading, the only way to come out of this in a dignified way would be to come and apologise... Js

Op. You've had an amazing journey already and if there are any doubts in your mind about your resourcefulness, resilience, and overall bravery.... Reading your story should dispel them all. You will know what is right for you when it's right for you. Trust in fate
And good luck!

I second softcookie there!

I think you already know what you want to do op, good luck with it and follow your heart x