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Original poster

Nurseries - need some reassurance

47 replies

CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:27

I currently have a nanny, dd has know her since birth and adores her. However we can't really afford her. DD is now 18 month btw.

Am thinking of putting dd into nursery when she is 2.5 years old and getting an au pair to take her/pick her up on the occasional days that I am not working from home, plus to do babysitting, cleaning and dogwalking. This will save me a huge amount of money even taking into consideration the nursery fees. Until then we will just have to bite the bullet and pay the nanny as am not prepared to let her go to nursery this young.

The nursery is, I'm sure, very good. Another mumsnetter sends her son there and is happy with it. My problem is, I had a very traditional upbringing, mum at home all the time, never any changes etc. It breaks my heart to think of my dd having to go off full time (well 4 days a week) to a nursery at such a young age and not to have me or her nanny there. Won't she feel all abandoned and insecure (or is that just me )? Is change like this not bad for kids? Plus another change of carer in the au pair (not that she will see that much of her).

I find the idea of the whole thing very traumatic and it's not even happening for a year!

Am I being a silly old vampire?

OP posts:
bundle · 11/03/2004 15:33

any change is difficult, so don't feel bad about getting anxious. both my dd's are at nursery - they started at 7 months which I decided was the best age to send them, they go for 3 days a week and love it. I have seen older children have more difficulties settling than my 2 did, not because they can't cope/feel frightened but because - IMO - whatever developmental stage they are at has a huge impact, and that may be a clingy time for them when any change eg moving house - would cause them upset. planning it and making her aware eg the existence of nurseries, what they're like etc,I'm sure will help you/her. I have found that the benefits of sending my two to nursery far outweighed any minuses (see paying for when child sick thread..). good luck, x

Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:36

So maybe I would be better to do it sooner rather than later? Don't know why I decided that 2.5 was the right time, just thought that I should give her as long as poss with just one carer.

OP posts:
fio2 · 11/03/2004 15:37

No Im the same as you my Mum was SAHM and was horrified that I was going to send dd to nursery for only 3 sessions a week! I felt incredibly guilty but dd loved it!! She has been going to another nursery now full time since she was 3 and I am happy to send her, even though my Mum thought she was far too young. Ds goes 2 sessions (sometimes more) asnd he likes it too.

I think you should do what feels best for you. If your new situation would suit you better than go for it! Awww bet you feel guilty about getting rid of the nany though

Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:39

Oh god don't even start on that one Have put to the back of my mind. I figure that nannies must expect that their employment isn't for ever, but she loves dd so much and tbh is more than a nanny to her, she is so loving and caring and attentive (all good reasons to get rid of her NOW hee hee!! Don't want dd preferring her to me!)

But seriously, it will be a wrench. As will having someone else living in.

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bundle · 11/03/2004 15:39

difficult to say. never been keen on having just one carer myself, loved the idea of them being with lots of staff (our turnover is low at our nursery, so the faces are v familiar to the children) and children (ie good immune system build-up ). I'd read up on developmental stuff, see what the psychologists reckon and then chat to some mums at the nursery you have in mind, maybe get their children to meet your dd. it's heartbreaking, I admit, when they first go, but once I did it I never looked back (i even found letting dh out with dd1 quite hard )

bundle · 11/03/2004 15:39

I went to SCHOOL at 3

Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:40

She goes to playgroup 4 mornings a week with the nanny so is used to the environment etc, but always has the very familiar person to go to who is all hers IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:41

Actually I think I did too thinking back!

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Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:41

Have come to the conclusion that I'm being an idiot. (no change there then)

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MrsWobble · 11/03/2004 15:45

You're not being silly - but I do think you are probably worrying too much. Our nanny left us earlier this year after a very long time - the children were upset at the time but recovered remarkably quickly. We now have an au pair and it all (fingers still crossed though) seems to be working well.

An unexpected bonus is the sense of regained control - we hadn't realised how much our nanny had ruled our lives and our way of doing things - we can now make decisions to suit ourselves again.

Whatever you do, I'm sure it will work out but I really wouldn't worry about it - particularly if it's not for another year.

Does your nanny know anything about this yet? If not, you might want to think about how you manage that process. I don't think we handled it very well with hindsight.

Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:48

No, nothing. I don't want to tell her a year in advance and she throws a strop and leaves and then we have yet another change of carer! Can I learn from your mistakes? What did you do?

I remember now, the reason I thought 2.5 was because I wasn't happy with the thought of an au pair having sole charge (albeit occasionally) of a child younger than that.

Must go and do some work, will come back to this later!

OP posts:
fio2 · 11/03/2004 15:48

no you are not being silly CD we all worry about stuff and didnt mean to make you feel bad about the nanny! but I know you will most probably feel bad because you are a softy like me!

Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:49

Though she does know that we can't really afford her as have told her so she is not totally in the dark.

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Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:50

And would LOVE to retain her babysitting services. And give her great refs so she can get really well paid nanny job!

OP posts:
hercules · 11/03/2004 15:50

ds went to nursery full time when he was 3 as I went back to work and loved it. We intend to split the childcare of dd until she's 2 -2.5 then send her to a nursery.
Ds is now 8 and has lots of good memories of nursery.

Blu · 11/03/2004 15:51

Also, CD, from about 2.5 they start to make relationships directly with other children more than with the adults in the room, unless they are very shy. Mix with some 2.5 year olds and see what pre-teenage hooligans they are compared with your 18 month old daughter, and you'll probably worry more about the nursery staff!

Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:52

LOL Blu!!

GO AND DO SOME WORK (talking to self on mumsnet, worrying sign)

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collision · 11/03/2004 16:08

CD, I used to be a Nanny so I am speaking with some experience, (I sound a bit pompous..sorry) Why dont you see if your Nanny could find another child to look after as well and do a Nanny share so that you can share the cost? That way your dd will have her nanny but a friend as well, you share the costs and everyone is happy.

If an employer had mentioned to me that she couldnt really afford me then I would have already started looking at other possibilities.

The prob with a nursery is what will happen if your dd is ill......who will look after her? Nannies are flexible though expensive. Still, I suppose you will have thought of that.

Mo2 · 11/03/2004 16:11

CD - you're not being silly, i can understand all your sentiments, but so long as you're happy with both the nursery staff and your au pair, I bet you'll be surprised how quickly your DD will adapt.

I was never keen on the idea of just one carer - nanny style - guess I was just jealous I would be 'replaced' (!) so both mys DSs went to nursery full time from 6 months, and I have to say have thrived on it.
Yes, of course there are clingy days, and occasionnally there are days I leave them, and although they are quite happy (ds2 19 months quite happily says 'bye bye Mummy' and runs off) I leave with tears in my eyes because I'd like to be with them, but on balance I know it's the best solution for us right now.
We also have an au pair, and she is fabulous. However 2 years ago when I was PG with DS2 we had a different au pair (who was also fabulous) who suddenly decided to go back home and leave us high and dry just a couple of months before DS2 was born. I was convinced DS1 would be traumatised, and guess what, he wasn't... (meanwhile I WAS.....)
Sounds like you've thought a lot about it, so be confident about your decision, and don't beat yourself up - it will likely all be fine.

On a different note, I think it's good for kids to get into some kind of nursery situation from this sort of age anyway since it prepares them for school. One of my friends has had her son at home with her all the time until very recently, when she started him at Pre-school for 2 x 3 hours per week, since he will be starting full time in Sept (he's 4.5 yrs). When I asked if he was going up to full-days after Easter she said no, because they'd been having problems with him settling in - seems he refuses to stay for lunch with the other kids - finds it too stressful. Don't know what she's going to do in September!

Good luck anyway - hope it all works out!

LucyJones · 11/03/2004 16:13

Hi CD - I worry too - I'm expecting my first baby at the end of this month and I'll have to go back to work beg of September p/t so baby may be 4 1/2 months old if overdue. The thought terrifies me but cos of money can't afford not to work

LucyJones · 11/03/2004 16:13

Sorry forgot to say that baby will be going to nursery....

Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 16:16

collision, the problem is that she would be starting nursery school mornings only from 2.5 anyway. That in itself is quite expensive so can't afford that as well as a nanny even a nanny share

Will look into it for the intervening year though.

How does it work? Eg currently I have stupid job where I am sometimes leaving early or getting back late. Dh can generally be here till 8.30am so nanny arrives at 8am and he then has half an hour to get ready for work. So what would happen with the other child? Would they bring him/her to my house? Also the nanny pretty much does what she wants in the day, is not here a lot of the time as she has dd of her own and lots of friends so is often taking dd out to places. Would she just take the other one too?

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Original poster
CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 16:18

Mo2 how old were your kids when you entrusted them to an au pair?

Lucy poor you But I have heard that babies settle in nursery easily so young if that's any help. It's more the change bit that I'm worried about. I'm almost kicking myself that I didn't start with a nursery

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Northerner · 11/03/2004 16:21

Hi CD. I think our little ones are alot more resiliant than we Mums give them credit for. Things are bound to be a liitle strange for your dd at first but I'm sure she will settle in. My ds has been going to nursery since 4 months old and he loves it, he does have days where he gets upset when I leave, but it's literaly for a few minutes and then he is fine. We always beat ourselves up over our kids but I'm sure she'll be fine.

And it's a year away, so try to relax!

outofpractice · 11/03/2004 16:24

I am a real fan of Nursery, even though when I grew up we had a live-out nanny whom I loved very much. A child aged 2.5 would very rarely be off Nursery ill anyway (or maybe ds is just tough and immune because longstanding Nursery goer - has not had a day sick for 2 yrs). The only times sickness caused a problem was when he was under 2, and I always managed somehow. I like not having to be constantly giving the nannies instructions, I like the fact that the nannies at Nursery all work together as a team, I like not having to plan for their holidays and sick leave and training courses, and I like all the lovely friends I have made whose children go to Nursery and ds's wonderful community of young Nursery friends. I like the Nursery environment so much that I have decided to go for an after school club rather than nanny/au pair when ds starts school, even though this will require some reorganisation and stress at work. I am also planning a house move with the thought in the back of my mind that if I ever have more children, I would really want them to attend the same Nursery.