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Original poster

Nurseries - need some reassurance

47 replies

CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 15:27

I currently have a nanny, dd has know her since birth and adores her. However we can't really afford her. DD is now 18 month btw.

Am thinking of putting dd into nursery when she is 2.5 years old and getting an au pair to take her/pick her up on the occasional days that I am not working from home, plus to do babysitting, cleaning and dogwalking. This will save me a huge amount of money even taking into consideration the nursery fees. Until then we will just have to bite the bullet and pay the nanny as am not prepared to let her go to nursery this young.

The nursery is, I'm sure, very good. Another mumsnetter sends her son there and is happy with it. My problem is, I had a very traditional upbringing, mum at home all the time, never any changes etc. It breaks my heart to think of my dd having to go off full time (well 4 days a week) to a nursery at such a young age and not to have me or her nanny there. Won't she feel all abandoned and insecure (or is that just me )? Is change like this not bad for kids? Plus another change of carer in the au pair (not that she will see that much of her).

I find the idea of the whole thing very traumatic and it's not even happening for a year!

Am I being a silly old vampire?

OP posts:

LucyJones · 11/03/2004 16:24

Thanks Cd - that's made me feel much better, and this thread is meant to be cheering you up

Bozza · 11/03/2004 16:26

Lucy - I know how you feel. DS went to nursery at 15 weeks (maternity provision was less then) and I had all sorts of misgivings. But he settled wonderfully - never cried on being left there and has always loved it. Had some trouble when he moved up rooms - but that was more to do with leaving his friends in previous room than leaving me. He is now 3.1 and my no 2 will be joining him from October (due in May). Am hoping I am as lucky again.

collision · 11/03/2004 16:27

CD...obv you would have to check that your nanny is happy looking after 3 children. I would advertise in the local paper or The Lady magazine that your Nanny is looking for another child to look after. Obv it would have to be local and the idea is is that if it is PT then she works out her hours to fit in with having another child as well. She could pick up your dd one day and take to the other house and vice versa. You could meet the other family too to discuss pay and hours and what you expect from her etc etc

If you find another child it can be very advantageous to everyone. Also contact NCT as well to see if anyone wants 'in' on a great Nanny. It would save another family having the hassle of paying and finding a good nanny and the fact that you recommend her will be good enough. What area are you in?

Original poster

CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 16:28

SW London

OP posts:

MrsWobble · 11/03/2004 17:58

We discussed the end date with our nanny ages in advance, it was pretty obvious really as it was when the youngest started school. However, the last year was then fairly dreadful as it was full of last times - the last summer with the children, the last birthday party, the last trip to Father Christmas etc etc. In many ways it felt like dealing with the sort of upcoming bereavement that I imagine you face when diagnosed with a terminal illness. All this was fairly stressful for me and must have been confusing for the children - mu husband and I had to keep reminding ourselves it wasn't their last summer, birthday etc. I would strongly recommend that you keep the ending as swift as possible, I think I would have preferred not to have had my nanny working her notice as it was a very difficult time for us all.

As far as your daughter is concerned, as long as you are there for her giving her consistent messages of love and support then I think she will cope and be happy with whatever childcare arrangements you make. I think you should do all you can to avoid letting her sense any doubts you may feel - the worst times for my children were when there was any sense of uncertainty as to what might happen.

Original poster

CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 18:07

Yes I can see how that would be a nightmare. I am not suggesting that the nanny sever all contact, I have known her for ages and I'm sure we would keep in contact, she only lives just down the road. Would just become friend rather than nanny (if I handle it right)!

OP posts:

Original poster

CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 18:08

I know she is still friends with the mums she nannied for previously and occasionally helps them out if they need it.

OP posts:

MrsWobble · 11/03/2004 18:20

I hope you can remain friends. My experience, and from talking to my friends I think it's not unusual, is that ending an employment relationship is fraught. Nannying is a very personal employment and the emotional relationship between nanny, child and employer is complex.

On the positive side though, even though we all seemed to go through problems as the employment ended, we all ended up on friendly terms with our nannies.

fio2 · 11/03/2004 18:23

my friend was a nanny and still kept in touch with the families

Mo2 · 11/03/2004 22:45

CD - our first au pair arrived when DS1 was 18 months. However she was never used as 'full-time childcare' - just for baby-sitting and the occasional couple of hours if I needed to go somewhere at the weekend. If he was sick off nursery she might look after him during the day, but either dh or I would work at home that day (but at least get some work done!).

With our 2nd (current au pair) we've felt more relaxed. She's still not the permanent childcare, but on odd occasions she's picked both of them up from nursery/ given them tea, and put them to bed.

She helps bath and put to bed 2 nights a week anyway, when she babysits too.

Original poster

CountessDracula · 11/03/2004 22:49

Mo that sounds ideal - hadn't thought about that, could of course work from home and she could do childcare if for eg dd is ill (though my work are v understanding).

I wasn't proposing an au pair for f/t childcare, just the odd hour here and there, so that sounds good.

Have been looking on some websites, seems you can get au pairs who are up to 28 so don't have to have a teenager!

OP posts:

Mo2 · 11/03/2004 22:54

Ours is a very sensible 21 year old Slovakian - found her through contacts - she's our last au pair's best friend's sister!

Do get in touch 'off line' if you want to 'chat' about the whole 'au pair' thing - I'm more than happy to share any thoughts/tips....

Mo2 · 11/03/2004 22:55

Sorry - forgot to say our current au pair arraived when DS2 was just 8 months old....

FairyMum · 12/03/2004 07:36

My children both started nursery early and have been fine. It's important to find a nursery you are happy with and where you communicate well with the staff. I think it's easier to leave small babies than toddlers in the beginning because they might not have reached the seperation-anxiety stage. However,I think 2.5 is the perfect age to start nursery. At this age they have really started to benefit from being with other children and enjoying themselves in groups. My children have both learnt so much from being in nursery. I like the fact that they spend their days with differnet children/adults and learn to relate to differences and to be compassionate to others. I don't think you can get this if you are at home with a nanny/mum all day, so I think this is the plus-side of nurseries. On the downside, I agree with others here that nurseries aren't great when your kids are sick. Nor are they flexible like a nanny can be if you work long/variable hours. I personally think it's good to keep the routine constant in nursery, so you pick you children up every day at the same time. That way they know to expect mummy just after supper and it makes them feel safe I think. IME the first months or even year of being in nursery , children pick up all kinds of bugs as they are exposed to so many viruses and you might need quite some time off to care for them......

Good luck with whatever you decide!!

bossykate · 12/03/2004 08:31

hi cd, the pros and cons have been well explained here already, there is also a comprehensive guide here on mumsnet here .

ds has been in nursery since 6m old and has absolutely thrived there. you will need to find one you like with high standards - they can vary.

good luck

fisil · 12/03/2004 09:05

Hi CD, difficult one, cos I know how happy you have been with your nanny. We are all really happy with ds being at nursery - but of course he's been there since 8 months, so it's a bit different. We make these huge agonising decisions, but really we have no idea what impact it will have on our kids. Me & my brothers had both excellent and dreadful childcare, and I guess it must have had some impact on us, but it is not a dominant feature in our lives, IYSWIM. We make so many difficult decisions for our kids, some we'll get right, some we'll get wrong, and we have absolutely no way of telling which it will be.

There. I've been of absoluely no use, have I? But I guess I'm just agreeing that it's an agonising decision, and there is no one correct answer.

Original poster

CountessDracula · 12/03/2004 11:04

Thanks everyone. Fisil you are so right. That's what is so frustrating about being a parent, suddenly there are no blacks and whites only greys. I am a very black and white person and find all this murkiness very confusing and unsettling. I like to make a decision and feel confident it is the right one, now the best I can hope for is that it is not totally wrong!

OP posts:

Batters · 12/03/2004 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CountessDracula · 01/04/2004 13:31

well quick update - dh and I went to see the nursery this morning (I know it's still 11 months until she goes!!) and honestly it was so sweet it made me cry!! (i am v wet though). The kids looked so happy and there was a lot of cuddling and laughing happening. All my fears have been dispelled.

Thanks to you all for your kind advice.

OP posts:

janinlondon · 01/04/2004 14:00

Batters you make me laugh. I was instructed only yesterday to "sit quietly and wait as I am very very busy with my work" when I went to get DD!

Freddiecat · 01/04/2004 16:56

CD - we put DS in nursery at 11 months and it was hard as every single part of me (apart from the bit required to earn money) said it was wrong. We left him there, drove down the road and sobbed.

However a year on, he is happy boy there who joins in song and dance sessions, enjoys group stories and shares toys well. My main concern now is that when this baby is born and I have to take him out of nursery he will be bored at home with me.

He still cries when he is dropped off occasionally. But he is more likely to rush off to play - turning back briefly to wave me goodbye.

I am hoping he'll be better prapared for school because of all this.

Batters · 02/04/2004 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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