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Original poster

Hating being a SAHM - with a 1year old boy and 11 weeks pregnant, what are my options?

35 replies

Princesitalinda · 09/04/2006 00:16

Hi and thanks to anybody reading this. I am from Southamerica, living in England for 6 years. Happily married to lovely Englishman. Around 2 years ago I was made redundant from a well paid and exciting sales job. Just after taking my redundancy payment, I went on short hols with husband and to our (nice) surprise I found out I was pregnant. This was in everyway fantastic news as I lost a tube to an ectopic pregnancy and was scared I could not have children!

Since I was pregnant, I felt I could not apply to jobs because of the moral dilemma of disclosing or not that I was pregnant. I felt like although I did not want to disclose at the interview for fears of being discriminated against, it would be acward to disclose it later once my pregnancy "showed". As I had the redundancy payment we could afford to live on one salary and we decided I should take long hols, go to see my family in South America for three months and come back to have the baby, which I did.

What I did not realise was how much my life was going to change after having my ds, and how much I would miss having "a" job of my own.

After my ds was 6 months I got help from a relative staying with us and decided to look for work. I was shocked to discover how discriminated new mothers are when applying for jobs! I had many interviews, and everything seemed to go great until I mentioned my ds. I even thought not to mention him, but how could I not? So after three months of very frustrating search, I decided to go on holidays again to celebrate his 1st birthday with my family in South America, so off we went for an other three months.

My husband joined us the last month of our trip, and we had such a nice time there, that we decided to start trying for number 2 (thinking it would take a while to succeed) and bang! number 2 is in the oven now!

BAck in the UK, away from my family, with my 1 year old son on my own, and 11 weeks pregnant I am bordering a crisis point. I cant bear the loniless of being a mother over here, dont want to split my family by going back home as I love my husband, but staying at home after two years is driving me mad. I love my son, and I am grateful and happy to be pregnant again, but I cant stand the lack of options for women like me, young and productive. I feel "punished" for deciding to be a mother, and that motherhood should be exclusive of any other jobs.

My poor husband is struggling to cope with my mood swings, and he even told me that I was not cut for "motherhood" which was very hurtful to hear. I bet he will not be cut for fatherhood either if he has to choose between looking full time after his son or going to work! He loves his job and he cant understand how frustrated I feel.

I wish there is something I could do, even partime. I thought of going on temporary work (any work - i only want to feel useful again and get out of the house). HOwever, the fact I am pregnant makes me hesitate again. Its not showing much now, but should I mention it to the agencies? What kind of work can I do from home? any other suggestion?

Thanks for reading, just writing about it makes me feel better :)

OP posts:
Skribble · 09/04/2006 00:19

What did you do before? WHat hobbies/ interests do you have?

Do you need to earn a certain amount?

Original poster
Princesitalinda · 09/04/2006 00:55

Hi skribble, thanks for replying so soon (and being so late!).

I like selling, although i have to believe in the product (hope it makes sense). I am quite good working under some pressure (i.e. targets or project time frame etc). I enjoy talking to people and working with people.

Before coming to England, I was an advertising person (loved it, but the job is very demanding, could not do it with a family).

MOney is not so important as is it is the need to feel productive and comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to think of my self of more than "just a housewife" (sorry, i dont mean to sound horrible to those who love being at home!) Its just me, I am hating being at home, non productive, I want to do something else! thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Skribble · 09/04/2006 01:07

Your most welcome, I have to take a break from looking for hunky men jpg's.

Would you consider other kids of work or are you looking for similar? Voluntary work?

Original poster
Princesitalinda · 09/04/2006 07:28

I have not thought of voluntary work, thanks for mentioning, I will look into it. Any ideas where I can look?

Also, any comments on working from home? is it possible, what kind of job is worth doing? thanks!

OP posts:
monkeytrousers · 09/04/2006 08:13

I think voluntary work is a really good idea - if you can manage okay without the money it will be much less stressful when you need to give it up (so two birds with one stone).

It is really hard, women are social beings and aren't meant to be isolated which is what modern society does to mothers.

monkeytrousers · 09/04/2006 08:14

Are there any local charity shops in your area? Look in the local newspapers too.

kidstrack2 · 09/04/2006 09:13

or maybe a childrens charity where you could either take ds or have a creche?

Skribble · 09/04/2006 22:11

Quite a fee charities need fundraising orgainisers and people to sell advertising space and get companies to help with sponsership so a variety of opportunities.

I worked in a charity shop, playshemes and outdoor centre when I was younger and I really think it helped to get paid jobs. I think it will help when the kids are older and you do want to go back to work full-time it shows you have "kept your hand in" so to speak.

milward · 09/04/2006 22:28

Helping at playgroups - I've done this & it's great fun!

Sparklemagic · 09/04/2006 22:53

I definitely think people have hit on a good idea with voluntary work. It keeps your hand in and gets you out of the house without it mattering that you are pg!

Some of these feelings could come from the isolation of being a SAHM, as someone said society can isolate mums. Do you get out to mother/toddler groups, playgroups, library storytime and meet other people in the same position as you? Doing lots of that could help to stop you being lonely.

This thread did make me laugh though at the differences between people. I have HAD to work 2 days a week since my DS was born, (financial reasons) and would have given it up in a heartbeat to be full time at home with him. I have never felt so productive, so useful, so important, as I have being a mum. Work outside the home has paled into insignificance for me, it seems so shallow and so much less important than being the one who each and every day nurtures and develops another human being.

Vive la difference, I guess!!!

lindat1964 · 10/04/2006 00:01

Hi there,

there are any number of selling from home jobs that you could do which would give you something diferent to focus on : Mini-Iq (which I do), Usbourne books, cookery items (pampered chef) cards and gift wrap - plus lots of other, not so 'mum' type products, have a look at the DSa website - they regulate all these self-employed businesses.

Original poster
Princesitalinda · 10/04/2006 12:02

Hi everybody and thanks for the replies and ideas. AS soon as ds is enjoying his nap today, i will be able to research. Hopefully will find something appealing to me!

Sparklemagic - I know i am lucky to be at home and be supported by my husband, so i dont have to work. I love being with my son, I just wish I can also do something else. I guess is about personalities as well... we are all different as you say, and I need to do something on my own to feel good. However, I need the flexibility to work on my own, as I also think is very important to be with my son. I think if I get a little break from just looking after him, the times with him will be much more happy for both of us.

thanks to everybody for reading and your ideas.

OP posts:
cece · 10/04/2006 12:08

Phoenix Trading sells really nice cards and wrapping paper. They might be worth looking into as I think you can do that from home and hours to suit.

cece · 10/04/2006 12:10

Just wanted to say I felt the same after my first. Couldn't wait to get back so went back full time. After DS did full time for about 3 months but found it was too much so went to 2 days a week. We could manage on DH money but I find I enjoy getting out of the house and being myself. so can totally understand! However, I also now really enjoy my days as SAHM. Part time for me is therefore a solution to my problem!

blueshoes · 10/04/2006 12:30

Hi, you are fortunate to have dh support you. But if you are going to be working out of the house, you would need to investigate the cost of childcare for your 2 little ones and whether your dh would be able to subsidise that as well or whether you have to earn a minimum amount to make it financially feasible.

All the best. I too would go crazy if I did not work pt.

Original poster
Princesitalinda · 10/04/2006 12:42

yes, i know i need to weight all the options. I found a lovely lady who will look after ds for two mornings a week, but I need to at least make 100 pounds to compensate for those hours. Otherwise is really not fair on husband, so I now see it has to be a paid work...

I am looking into Direct Selling (like Mini-Iqs, etc). Where can i find info on Phonix Cards and anybody doing something similar?

by working from home, but being able to fully concentrate at least two mornings per day, I think it can make a whole difference, at least it will be worth to try!

OP posts:
Littlefish · 10/04/2006 12:47

Princesitalinda - I don't have any wise suggestions for you, but just wanted to empathise with you. I work part time (2.5 days per week). I would love to say that I would be completely happy at home with my dd, but I know that I also need the stimulation of a job where I feel fully involved and enthused. I found a great job which pays well, has good hours and means that I really look forward to the time I spend with dd.

As sparklemagic said, we're all different! I hope you find a solution. Smile

Littlefish · 10/04/2006 12:48

\link{http://www.phoenix-trading.co.uk/\Click here for Phoenix Cards!}

Nightynight · 10/04/2006 13:34

Go on a part time course to train for something new, or improve your existing skills? Your local College of Further Education, or University may have a creche where your little ones can stay while you are studying.

Uwila · 10/04/2006 13:43

What about finding a course to take. If money isn'tthe issue maybe you could gain another degree (MBA or something?) while you are at home with kids. Then, you could go back to work when they go to school, and it wouldn't be like you were totally out of the workforce for a few years.

Where are you? Are there any good Universities near you?

Original poster
Princesitalinda · 10/04/2006 13:57

first of all, thanks for so many ideas (and for the link, littlefish)!

i live in Camberley, in Surrey. My closest Adult Education Centre doesnt have much to offer, I guess I should enquire a bit further (Guildford or something around there?). The course is a good idea, not sure we can afford something like a MBA or similar, but maybe I can look at whats on offer.

My first choise would have been to work part time, but being pregnant is kind of out of reach now. Thanks a lot for all your suggestions!

OP posts:
kitegirl · 10/04/2006 14:01

Check out Open University for courses, anything for certificates to postgrad level. The study system is flexible and you can fit it around your schedule and commitments. You could study something that is complementary to your existing professional skills and experience, or try something totally new - my background is in finance but I am about to start a marine biology course just because it is interesting and, like you, I need to engage my brain in something other than play dough and nappies!

Skribble · 10/04/2006 21:23

\link{http://www3.open.ac.uk/courses/bin/p12.dll?A02\Open University} is a great idea, all sorst of courses to do. You can do lots of unrelated courses or ones that go together to work towards a diploma. You can of course work towards a degree. Any previous qualification can count towards your points for a degree. Do courses for fun, interest or towards going back to work.

gingernutlover · 11/04/2006 13:45

if you only want to make a little money - what about avon or betterware? You wouldn't need to find childcare, unless you wanted to Smile and it fits in whenever you have time to do it. Aklso, easy to take a break from when number 2 comes along, and you get to meet/talk to lots of people. I almost did avon about a month ago but dh stopped me. grrrrrrrrrrr Angry

jofeb04 · 11/04/2006 16:56

Hiya
I work from home, and love it.
If you want more info, CAT me, or email me on:
[email protected]

thanks