Hating being a SAHM - with a 1year old boy and 11 weeks pregnant, what are my options?

[Princesitalinda]

Hi and thanks to anybody reading this. I am from Southamerica, living in England for 6 years. Happily married to lovely Englishman. Around 2 years ago I was made redundant from a well paid and exciting sales job. Just after taking my redundancy payment, I went on short hols with husband and to our (nice) surprise I found out I was pregnant. This was in everyway fantastic news as I lost a tube to an ectopic pregnancy and was scared I could not have children!

Since I was pregnant, I felt I could not apply to jobs because of the moral dilemma of disclosing or not that I was pregnant. I felt like although I did not want to disclose at the interview for fears of being discriminated against, it would be acward to disclose it later once my pregnancy "showed". As I had the redundancy payment we could afford to live on one salary and we decided I should take long hols, go to see my family in South America for three months and come back to have the baby, which I did.

What I did not realise was how much my life was going to change after having my ds, and how much I would miss having "a" job of my own.

After my ds was 6 months I got help from a relative staying with us and decided to look for work. I was shocked to discover how discriminated new mothers are when applying for jobs! I had many interviews, and everything seemed to go great until I mentioned my ds. I even thought not to mention him, but how could I not? So after three months of very frustrating search, I decided to go on holidays again to celebrate his 1st birthday with my family in South America, so off we went for an other three months.

My husband joined us the last month of our trip, and we had such a nice time there, that we decided to start trying for number 2 (thinking it would take a while to succeed) and bang! number 2 is in the oven now!

BAck in the UK, away from my family, with my 1 year old son on my own, and 11 weeks pregnant I am bordering a crisis point. I cant bear the loniless of being a mother over here, dont want to split my family by going back home as I love my husband, but staying at home after two years is driving me mad. I love my son, and I am grateful and happy to be pregnant again, but I cant stand the lack of options for women like me, young and productive. I feel "punished" for deciding to be a mother, and that motherhood should be exclusive of any other jobs.

My poor husband is struggling to cope with my mood swings, and he even told me that I was not cut for "motherhood" which was very hurtful to hear. I bet he will not be cut for fatherhood either if he has to choose between looking full time after his son or going to work! He loves his job and he cant understand how frustrated I feel.

I wish there is something I could do, even partime. I thought of going on temporary work (any work - i only want to feel useful again and get out of the house). HOwever, the fact I am pregnant makes me hesitate again. Its not showing much now, but should I mention it to the agencies? What kind of work can I do from home? any other suggestion?

Thanks for reading, just writing about it makes me feel better :)

Why don't you just apply for a part time job. Employers can't discriminate against you for being pregnant and if you are worried that they might just don't tell them.

After all if you are only 11 weeks anything could happen before your due date (God forbid that anything bad should happen).

To be honest I don't see why you need to tell anyone at a job interview anything about your home circumstances. As long as you can do the job and have childcare arranged to enable you to attend it its none of their business as far as I can see. Not sure what the exact law is but I can't believe that it wouldn't support this view.

DOing voluntary work is all very well but it pays nothing so if you've got childcare costs then it'll cost you money (sounds a bit mean doesn't it but I know it from my own experience)

PRincesitalinda... Find a hobby, something you always wanted to do but couldn't do because you didn't have time. I went back to Uni when I was pregnant, and although it was HARD work it helped me to keep my sanity. Use the time from now until your next baby is 6m to enjoy yourself, and don't feel guilty about spending DH's money. A full time carer would be far more expensive!.

Once your new baby is 6m old, find a good childminder and go back to work, with two salaries you should be able to afford it. And don't delay it for longer, I also worked in advertisement and it is the fad industry, so 3 yrs leave are more than enough to leave you out of the game. So, keep your knowledge about it well updated :)

Y no dejes que nuestra querida cultura latinoamericana te traicione (i.e. seguir la pauta marcada por el marido) que ya es bastante sacrificio estar solas en un pais lejano de lenguas extranyas como para estar frustradas profesionalmente y encerradas en casa todo el dia!!! La mejor de las suertes, :)

Hi again - thanks for all your replies. I am looking at whats available around my area. I thought about a part time job and I know its illegal to discriminate against someone just because of pregnancy. I was anyway thinking of not telling, however, as its the second, it already shows .

Gracias Chandra por el consejo! Asi es exactamente como me siento, lejos de casa, frustrada profesionalmente y encerrada... amo al pequenio, pero no puedo evitar pensar que yo podria estar mejor, mas rodeada y ser al mismo tiempo una persona con intereses propios, no solo una esclava de mi casa... suena feo no? Hace cuanto estas aqui?l..... gracias por los consejos y la mejor de las suertes para ti tambien!

Princesitalinda, I noticed you mentioned Mini IQ further down the thread. I'm a Mini IQ associate and have been since september last year. If you have any questions, or want to discuss in more detail you are very welcome to CAT me.

Could you give Spanish tuition? That's easy to fit around kids. I live near Camberley - have you looked Farnborough College for course ideas for yourself?

I'm a Pampered Chef consultant, so any questions that you have re this, let me know. I love doing it - great way of getting some extra cash, cooking with great cookware and meeting lots of new people. Very flexible, and there is a very strong support network to help you get started. Lots of rewards too.

Best of luck!

hi there
i hope things have worked out for you but i know exactly how you feel i have been at home with by 2 boys for almost 3 yrs now and i was starting to go out of my mind so i have got what i feel is the perfect job for a stay at home mum i have become a Mini IQ associate if you wont to chat or some more info on this just send me an email at [email protected]

best wishes
jess

PrincesItalinda - the pregnancy only shows to you. Someone interviewing you for a job will only think you've been eating too many mars bars!!

Don't forget that most working people have kids. Most of my colleagues are always popping out to collect children, go to the school play or parents meeting or whatever. The people without kids just waste time doing other stuff like going out for coffee or chatting with their friends anyway.

Hope you have found something to interst you.

If not, I have just joined a Company called Neways, working from home. The products are brilliant and have great health implications on all members of the family.

If you would like any more information, please mail me at:

[email protected]

Michaela

I have always worked. We have five children. I worked even when they were babies. I did not like being at home with them. I found it boring and stressful. I don't have a problem with that. I'm glad I understand myself. I always had a profession that I kept up so there was no career break which made it all easier for me. Full time work has always been best. That way we have also afforded someone to clean the house - other jobs I find terribly boring like that.

I was recruited to a job when 5 months pregnant but I think I was good for the job and they knew and they wanted me so it was not a problem.

No one is allowed to ask if you are pregnant at an interview and you have no reason to disclose it. Cna you not just wear a loose top so it is not clear you are expecting a baby? Nor do you have to take long off after the baby. You can have 6 weeks at 90% pay and go back. You will probably find this easier than being at home with two young children if you are like me.

So the only task is to find a job. If you want a break from the children I wouldn't do a job from home or you'll never get any peace.

It depends wehre you are in the country how easy or difficult it is to find work.