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Original poster

Had a row with the nanny - am I right or going mad?

38 replies

CountessDingDongDrac · 02/01/2004 01:09

I have been really ill lately with Glandular Fever, my nanny has been ill too but they don't know what's wrong, maybe gallstones but the good old NHS taking forever to investigate.

She took a weeks holiday over xmas and DH promptly did his back in. I can't look after her on my own as I am just so tired and have been told that if I don't rest I won't get better. So for 3 days she stayed down with my PILs and then came back yesterday. I didn't want to call on the nanny as she was on holiday and obviously needed the rest, she has a dd of her own who I thought she would want to spend time with and also I needed her to be fit for next week when she comes back to work.

So, I arranged for dd to go to a local childminder that we both know for a couple of days. I spoke to the nanny tonight and she has thrown a total wobbler, said that she should have first refusal looking after dd and that she needed the money and would have done it, told me that I was out of order for not asking her first. I explained my reasons but she wouldn't accept them. So she is in a right strop with me and I don't think I've done anything wrong.

TBH I am so fried at the moment that I am not thinking clearly and keep having rows with people so I could be in the wrong, but I kind of think it's up to ME who looks after my dd and also I did it for the right reasons. I would be pretty pissed off if my work called on me during my holidays, and if I had mentioned it to her I thought she would think I was implying that she should come in which I didn't want.

Any opinions?

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 02/01/2004 01:17

you're right imo and she's got a nerve. sorry you're still under the weather. excuse typing, baby on lap

Original poster
CountessDingDongDrac · 02/01/2004 02:27

Thanks WWW, I think she is really moaning that she doesn't get paid enough but won't say so! Was going to give her a New Year payrise but not so sure now as she is being so silly.

I just can't face the thought of the palaver of getting a new nanny, dd loves her and we get on really well most of the time.

DH is snoring soooo loudly as he has to sleep on his back due to the injury, so I have given up trying to sleep!

OP posts:
katierocket · 02/01/2004 07:03

CDDD - think you're in the right but nanny probably feels a bit threatened IFYKWIM. I think as you are ill and DD like nanny it's not worth arguing over. I would just be open with her - say "really sorry if I upset you, the reason I asked childminder was because I thought you would appreciate the rest..blah, blah"

hope you feel better soon.

bobthebaby · 02/01/2004 07:17

I would point out that it is important to you that she has holidays and rests, and that you appreciate this more having been ill yourself and needing to rest blah de blah...Then say that obviously you appreciate that the money would have been useful to her and you are giving her a pay rise. I think forcing her to have a holiday is very responsible of you and its nice to see an employer doing this rather than expecting employees to be on call 24/7.

I don't think you should not give her her pay rise for speaking her mind, just make it clear that you do not agree with her on this issue.

aloha · 02/01/2004 07:17

It does sound totally blown out of proportion. I can sort of see both 'sides' - ie I would be irritated if I was called by work when I was off, but I might also be a bit upset if work I was involved in was given to someone else to finish off without consulting me first. Having said that, it doesn't seem worth making a big fuss over, your motives were entirely good and your nanny is being unreasonable I think. It does sound quite likely that your nanny is bothered by something else, like money. A couple of days of childcare certainly doesn't seem worth falling out over and you don't need this when you are so exhausted and ill anyway. If you need her and your dd loves her then maybe the old "I'm really sorry you were upset/offended' routine might be the way to go if you can bear it, and mention that you are ill atm so maybe misjudged how she would feel blah blah.

Original poster
CountessDingDongDrac · 02/01/2004 09:27

Thanks everyone. I have already apologised until I'm blue in the face last night, she was so bloody rude and I ended up telling her that it was not up to her who looked after dd and when. I tried to call her later to talk about it but she was sulking and wouldn't talk to me.

I don't want to lose her but by the same token I am a good employer and I'm not going to be held to ransom by her. I will ask her what she wants and then discuss with dh. If it's unreasonable I will tell her so and if she doesn't like it she can leave and dd will sadly have to get used to someone new.

I think she just has problems telling me what she wants - she did tell me at the beginning that she wasn't very good at it so I often ask her if everything's ok etc to give her the opportunity to mention anything on her mind. So I suspect her money gripes have resulted in this row because she can't express herself properly, and she caught me at a very very low point when I just can't deal with rows.

DH suggested that we sell or rent out our house and I give up work, then we won't need a nanny, which I am thinking about but tbh it's not something I have considered seriously before, but this prolonged illness is making me thing that I need to look at things again.

OP posts:
Northerner · 02/01/2004 10:24

CD so sorry you're still under the weather.

Take care and be good to yourself.
XXX

katierocket · 02/01/2004 11:11

CDD sounds as though you have taken exactly the right approach - hope it works out.

princessinapeartree · 02/01/2004 12:00

poor cdd.
I can understand why she thought it was odd that you didn't even ask her, and as money is always tight over xmas, I can understand that she would appreciate the opp to make some more cash. BUT equally she should be happy with an apology, a list of your reasons, and a promise to give her first dibs on the work next time!
Sounds like there are other issues on both sides. If you like her and want to keep her, and were going to give her a pay rise anyway, then I would still do so. After all you were going to give her the rise because of the good work she has done for all of the rest of the year, a bit petty to take it away for one problem which has arisen at the end of the year which probably arises from her money insecurities anyway. But I'd sit her down and say "I understand why you wanted to be asked to do the extra work, and next time of course I'll ask you first. I hope you accept my apologies for not doing so, and understand my reasons why I didn't, which were all about not disturbing you on holiday etc and were well-meant. But as far as I'm concerned, this episode should now be over, and I don't want it to affect our working relationship. We have really enjoyed having you look after dd this year and think you have done a great job. If there is anything else that is bothering you or that you want to discuss, I think this is a good time to do it." And see if she brings anything up. If not, or once you have dealt with whatever it is, tell her that you and your DH would like to offer her a pay rise of X. BUt only if she is being gracious and stopping the sulking. If she still is, I'd withhold the pay rise news until a later date, and tackle her about the sulking now.

I think the whole leaving work thing is a completely different issue, and I don't think you should make that kind of a decision in order to solve problems with a nanny, or your health, if you know what I mean. I think you should decide what you would prefer - would you like to keep working, or would you like to be a stay at home mum? Then if the answer is that you would like to keep working, you'll have to sort out childcare and give yourself time to get better. If you don't want to keep working, then in order to get better you may need to keep on some kind of childcare anyway. But don't give up working just because it all seems too much at the moment, when you are ill and having a fight with your nanny, if it isn't really what you want....

CountessDracula · 02/01/2004 13:59

Thanks oh wise birdy one.

I wasn't thinking of giving up work until I was better given that I can't look after dd anyway at the moment! It was more a suggestion for a long term plan as my health in general is very fragile, I have Crohn's disease and take immunosupressants for those which leave me open to every passing bug/infection and also means that when I am ill it takes me a long time to get better as I can't take anything like Echinacia to boost my immune system. It was ok until I had dd but of course she brings so many bugs etc into the house from playgroup that I have been ill on and off for ages.

I am now worried that I'm getting depressed though I don't know as I have never been depressed, I am usually a very relaxed and happy person and nothing much bothers me. Thought I would go and see the doc about it. I just feel really tearful a lot of the time and can't cope with things, it doesn't help being surrounded by other sick people all the time (nanny first, then dh who has just 10 mins ago decided to walk to the shop and is now on the floor in screaming agony AGAIN) and tbh I feel so awful that I just want them to go away and leave me alone.

I also had huge row with my parents over xmas which is now resolved but they are all under a lot of pressure at the momement with various things and I just don't feel I can call on them for help. I suppose I just feel very alone though I'm not IYKWIM. Things like this row with the nanny don't help. I do realise that I am the common denominator here, I have a very short fuse at the moment.

To top it all I have see very little of dd over xmas as have been in bed, and now have had to give her to the childminder which breaks my heart, I was so looking forward to hanging out with her at xmas etc.

Maybe I should just shut up and stop moaning, I know a lot of people on mumsnet have it much much worse than me, I just don't seem to be able to cope any more.

tamum · 02/01/2004 14:24

CD, your last post sounds like the glandular fever talking to me. I felt just the same when I had it; depression is a well-established complication of GF (as in glandular fever, not Gina Ford ), but do remember that it's self-limiting- when the GF gets better so will the depression, almost certainly. It's much harder in your case as you have rational reasons to be depressed too, like not being with your dd. I would honestly advise you not to take any far-reaching decisions until you're over your illness, unless you're forced to, as you are almost certainly not yourself at the moment.

I think the nanny is being completely irrational, to be honest, and there's probably something else bugging her. I really hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

CountessDracula · 02/01/2004 15:21

Thanks tamum, I feel much better about it now, glad that it is just related to the GF. I feel so sad for anyone that feels like this all the time, I really can't imagine how awful it must be.

tamum · 02/01/2004 15:58

I found this , which although it is aimed at students, seems to have quite a lot of good advice about the psychological side of the illness. I know it just seems as though it will never pass, but it will, honest. Glad you're feeling a bit better about it

CountessDracula · 02/01/2004 16:37

Oh thanks, you are a star!

Just had a chat with the nanny and she isn't sulking, we have agreed to meet up tomorrow and discuss her issues and she seems fine
At last something positive!

Today I have cried because I had to drop dd of at childminder, the loo blocked, the fridge smelt of cheese, I couldn't get my new juicer together for about 20 seconds, dh asked me to put the rubbish bag outside and about 20 other times but I can't remember why! What a whinger. Must try and pull self together.

tamum · 02/01/2004 16:46

Thanks CD Please don't think you have to pull yourself together, that's just what it's like, honest! Every tiny thing seems insumountable. You'll have lots more lovely times with your dd, this is a drop in the ocean. I've just had the loveliest Christmas ever with my 5 year old dd, taking her to see the Nutcracker and so on.

Great about the nanny, anyway. Chin up girl!
xx

sunchowder · 02/01/2004 16:50

Sorry CD....I feel for you and I do understand lots about depression for sure. Tamum that was an excellent article!

It is so difficult to be in the middle of any sort of confrontation when you feel this way because you don't have your normal "grounding", this gives way to the self-doubt that you probably wouldn't be feeling otherwise. Princess gave you great advice as have all the others that have posted here. Such good friends you have CD! Let your Nanny sulk a bit if she needs to, for some reason this must have pressed her very insecure button on top of her needing money badly button. She doesn't want to be replaced!! Her feelings are strong about this, that is why she is overreacting for sure. You are more mature and can see this from the outside, she can't right now. Her inablity to ask for what she needs (or wants) stems from the same insecurity--she either feels that she will be rejected, replaced, or whatever and this shows up in all areas of her life, not just in her relationship with you. She will sort and when she does she will probably need a big hug.

You know my advice on the health, yes the old broken record...probiotics, chinese doctor for herbs and cranio osteo for a start--along with anything that Western Medicine can do for you at the same time would be ideal! I am sure you could use a massage, does anyone there to call-outs and come to the house?

Sending lots of love and cheer CD!

sunchowder · 02/01/2004 16:52

Opps, Cross Posts! I was typing while you two were--glad things are better with the Nanny then!

aloha · 02/01/2004 17:32

Agree that everything you feel is totally consistent with glandular fever. Don't make any major decisions when you feel like this. My mum had similar feelings of indecision and depression with low thyroid, but it was just the illness, and she was totally herself again with treatment for the thyroid problem. Now I monitor her myself and if she starts to get dithery or gloomy I chivvy her back the dr for a blood test. It's just a mental side effect of physical illness.
Glad things are better with the nanny.

CountessDracula · 02/01/2004 19:12

Oh god now you've all made me cry again by being so kind!

Sunchowder strangely I booked an aromatherapy massage for Monday pm today!

sunchowder · 02/01/2004 19:22

Yes Countess!! A massage would be WONDERFUL for youdon't leave there without making another appointmentyou deserve to spoil yourself darrling...in the name of gladular fever....

fisil · 02/01/2004 19:24

CD, this doesn't sound like you. I haven't had GF, but I believe what others are saying that it must be the GF talking!

I'm glad the nanny isn't sulking. I wonder if the true story is:

You: know how much she cares for you dd and that she would have ignored holidays and illness in order to care for her, and didn't want to ask her to do so, as you knew she'd say yes whether it was in her best interests or not

She: cares very deeply for your dd and cannot bear the thought of someone else caring for her

In which case you are both very lucky to have such a good employee/job, but just this once it has caused friction. I'm glad it has worked out, you're very lucky with your nanny.

I didn't know you had Crohns. I have had a series of operations which people with Crohns often have to have, and it doesn't sound paticularly nice!

CountessDracula · 02/01/2004 19:36

Really fisil? What for? Poor you

Yes I'm sure you're right about the situation with dd/nanny. We are lucky I think.

fisil · 02/01/2004 19:46

No, you really don't want to know. Just poor you!

princessinapeartree · 02/01/2004 20:23

look after yourself CDD! which doesn't include saying "pull yourself together" or "I'll just have to try and cope"... because you are ill! It includes allowing yourself to feel crap and depressed because it is depressing not operating at the 120miles-an-hour-all-balls-nicely-in-the-air-and-haven't-I-got-nice-shoes that you are used to! As long as you keep one eye on the future when you will be better, and keep doing good and healthy things like massages and afternoon naps and all those lovely things that sunchowder suggested. And remember.... in a few weeks you will be on holiday flat on your back on a very nice beach and THAT will certainly help the recuperation process....

tigermoth · 02/01/2004 21:10

Countessthingummy, I really second the advice about depression and GF and not making big decisions right now. When I had GF the world stopped it seemed and I only got my life back slowly - but once you start to have good patches it gives you so much hope. I am absolutely fine now, btw. GF is but a distant memory and I am sure it will be for you, too.

I wonder if your nanny had a bad experience with another employer regarding being usurped by a childminder? It really sounds like she could be referring back to something. I agree that tight financies after christmas could play a big part too.

I also agree with others, offer her the wage rise. You say she has deserved it. And a suggestion: can you amend her contract to state in writing that she has first dibs if any extra childminding is needed?