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Original poster

should I tell new employers about my children?

27 replies

Peacelizzy · 27/03/2006 15:17

Mums of the world I have a problem... please help! I had two beautiful twin boys six months ago and it is now time for me to go back to work. I have just been offered a new job which I really want to take... problem is, they don't know I have children. I decided not to tell since when I mentioned it in previous applications and interviews I felt a cold wind blowing as soon as I did and - funnily enough - never heard back from them. The thing is, everyone in the small office where I'm due to be starting, seems really nice and obviously I want to be able to talk about my boys! If I say something now, will it look like I've been manipulative and backed them into a corner? Will it affect our working relationships? I would really appreciate any advice!

OP posts:
SueW · 27/03/2006 15:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

Original poster
Peacelizzy · 27/03/2006 17:24

I didn't lie. I wasn't asked and I chose not to forward the information... you could say that I was "economical with the truth"!

OP posts:
edam · 27/03/2006 17:30

No, why on earth would it be a problem? Parents are allowed to go to work!

ScummyMummy · 27/03/2006 17:32

Should be fine! Enjoy the new job.:)

Original poster
Peacelizzy · 27/03/2006 17:49

Thanks all! I just can't help feeling a bit uneasy about it... It is a fact that employers prefer not to employ mothers of small children. And the interview process took four stages - the final one being a team drinks meeting - so they will definitely think it was evasive that I never mentioned my baby twins then.

OP posts:
alison222 · 27/03/2006 17:55

i wouldn't mention it now. When you start - maternity leave will be over won't it?
If it comes up subsequently you could say that you thought it wasn't an issue as you have adequate childcare arrangements in place. - you have haven't you?
The only time it shoyld be mentioned first IMO is if you need to adjust your working hours to accommodate pick-ups /drop offs for your children.

Original poster
Peacelizzy · 27/03/2006 17:57

No childcare problems as me stay-at-home dad! Yes, maternity leave will be over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peacelizzy · 27/03/2006 17:58

that should have read; my wonderful partner is going to be stay at home dad!

OP posts:
BadHair · 27/03/2006 18:00

I wouldn't mention it. From personal experience I know that employers just don't want you if you have children.
Before I had children I was successful in every job I ever applied for, bar one. Since having children I've been unsuccessful in every job I've applied for (over 10 now), bar the job I'm in, which no-one else wanted as it's not very good.
So yes, leave children off the CV, and don't mention them unless asked. I don't think employers can ask if you have children, only if you are able to be flexible, so you're not under any obligation to declare.

LeahE · 27/03/2006 18:02

Really, I can't see it being a problem. We take on people all the time and rarely know much about their personal circumstances until they start. I wouldn't see it as evasive at all that you didn't mention your twins during the interview process. You haven't been manipulative or backed them into a corner, you've just taken a job for which you were the best candidate. Should anyone be crass enough as to ask why you didn't mention them before you can say that you'd spent six months talking about your twins and really enjoyed the opportunity to talk about adult stuff instead and be Peacelizzy rather than the twins' mother. Or just that you didn't think it was relevant at the time.

Also, I bet they would a hundred times rather employ you with six-month-old twins than employ you and have you fall pregnant the next month, which was a risk they knew they'd be taking. In fact, the fact that you already have two small children (probably) means it's less likely that you'll need to take maternity leave in the immediate future, so in that sense your employer is definitely benefiting.

I mean, no need to breeze in on your first day, erect a poster-sized photo of your boys, and send a company-wide email telling everyone that you have children -- but no reason not to mention it as and when it comes up naturally in conversation.

philippat · 27/03/2006 18:35

I wouldn't expect anyone to mention their family circumstances before they actually start work and start having informal conversations. In fact, unless they mentioned kids as an example of why they were good at something - a question about multi-tasking or prioritising for example - I'd be concerned they weren't being very professional at interview.

If for any reason anyone asks why you didn't mention it - you simply say it doesn't impact upon your ability to do the job.

NoeudFrange · 27/03/2006 18:49

If you were a man, Peacelizzy, no one would think it was in the least bit relevant.

WideWebWitch · 27/03/2006 18:52

Agree, it's not relevant and shouldn't be an issue.

Original poster
Peacelizzy · 27/03/2006 20:14

I agree that it shouldn't be an issue... but in reality it can be. BadHair, I can't help but agree with you as I've had similar experiences. I have a three month probation period, my paranoid scenario is that I let them know I have children (either formally or informally) then I make one little mistake during this time and they use it as an excuse to fire me. Is it a risk I can take since I have a family to support?!

OP posts:
LeahE · 27/03/2006 21:26

What field are you working in?

Original poster
Peacelizzy · 27/03/2006 21:52

Professional recruitment

OP posts:
Uwila · 27/03/2006 22:34

Telling them is unfortunately an invitation for discrimination. It shouldn't be. But it is sometimes. So, no, don't tell them. It's not relevant.

Tanzie · 27/03/2006 23:01

I applied for a job the other day and was asked on the application form if I had children and if so, how many. Is this legal??

nooka · 27/03/2006 23:33

I don't think it is legal. Certainly NHS application forms, which are sticklers for the rules don't ask, and you are not allowed to ask any questions of that nature at interview. Why should they need to know? Your personal circumstances are just that, personal, and unless you ask for something special (flexible working etc) it is completely irrelevant. Peacelizzy I don't think that you will be able not to mention your children for the next three months, but as you have the best childcare possible I can't see how it could be raised as an issue. I would see how things pan out once you start work, and whether other people mention their children before you volunteer anything. If they have gone to such lengths to find you (several stage interviews are expensive and time consuming), I can't believe that they would then want to get rid of you so easily, or risk that you would then sue them for discrimination.

Uwila · 28/03/2006 08:22

I don't think it's legal either. But you are in.... Belgium? So I don't know if UK or EU law applies. I'm no expert of course, but common sense tells me that question is grounds for sexual discrimination.

grumpyfrumpy · 28/03/2006 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thelennox · 28/03/2006 10:07

Legally i don't think they can ask, and you certainly do not have to tell. Go back to work, enjoy yourself and talk about your boys all you want. Us mums are protected you know!!

NikkiH · 28/03/2006 10:18

From what I can see Peacelizzy you're in the enviable position of a lot of men who go out to work and have a partner at home looking after the children (and hopefully the home etc!). No pick-ups / drop offs and scrabbling around trying to get four of you out of the house at more or less the same time early in the morning - sounds like bliss!

The fact that you're a woman shouldn't make any difference and having dad at home should enable you to concentrate 100 per cent on the job while at work and be able to enjoy being mum when you get home.

Best of luck with the new job and returning to work after maternity leave. I can understand why you might be worrying but try not to. It's never an easy time, even when returning to a job and workplace you know well, but I wouldn't try to hide your family - they're a big part of who you are and your new colleagues need the chance to get to know and like all of you!

Uwila · 28/03/2006 10:37

Us mums are not protected in reality. Only on paper. Don't tell them squat.

Blu · 28/03/2006 10:42

PeaceLizzy - I think it would be impossible to keep completely shtumm about your home life once peopel get to know you, but if it is known that you have built-in childcae in the form of a sahd no-one should have anything to worry about.

Pesonally, I do not think it is a good idea to spend much time talking about your children at work anyway - unless your colleagues are parents of kids the same age it is generally a very boring workplace conversation for other people.