Anyone else still struggling a few months after going back to work?

[Littleredtree]

I went back to work in April at 4 days a week when DD was 11 months, and I just haven't got back into the swing of things. I manage a team of 10, and while I'm the sort of person that does fret about how good I am at my job (and probably always will be, just wired that way), before mat leave I was pretty confident that I was good/ok at what I did. Now I feel as though I am barely holding it together, that my team and colleagues preferred my maternity cover person to me, and I am both bored and stressed by my job, which is a nasty combination!

Most of my friends have got back into things by now, so I was wondering if there was anyone else out there who took time to get to grips with work again? And any tips? Did you keep grinding it out and did it get better? Or is it better to cutyour losses and think about doing something new? We're not in a position for me to drop hours or salary much but I need to start thinking about what else I could do in a perfect world. i'm torn whether to hang on in there, because it's convenient, well paid, generally with good people, and keeps me in work in a difficult job market, but it is causing a bit of emotional turmoil. Looking for inspiration please...

Not really sure I can offer any advice littleredtree! But I know where you are up to. I've been back 8 months and still struggling. I keep going in the hope it will get better, and some weeks are better than others, but it's a case of tolerating work rather than enjoying it or feeling like I'm doing a good job. I hope it does get better! Or maybe it doesn't we just have to grit our teeth and deal with it, I'm not sure.

Are you getting enough sleep? Just posted on reastie's thread too, more teaching related, but seriously, you're both up at 4am (I think in UK?) and you must be exhausted with small babies. Try and get as much rest as you can, and you'll feel a lot better. :)

I know how you're feeling.

I went back to work just over 10 months ago, and felt very lost and incapable for months. Then I realised no one else had noticed how incapable I was, so I started to feel like maybe I was better than I thought (either that, or no one cared that I was incapable!). I have subsequently changed jobs (for career reasons), which involved passing an interview. That boosted my confidence too. I am now bumbling along doing my best and hoping its good enough :)

I had to say I don't think I'll feel as passionate or ambitious about my work again (at least not anytime soon). I work because I need the money and I like the change of scene from being at home, but my home life is definately more important than my work life and I an always conscious of that (unlike before, when my work and home life's were equal and complimentary).

I have good times when I think I approach work (particularly disasters!) more competently because I've grown up a lot since having babies, but I also have times (like yesterday) when I hae to walk out of work leaving a problem situation in the hands of an unqualified junior because it is 4 pm and I don't have anyone else to do the nursery run. I know that I left a member of staff in an uncomfortable situation and out of their depth, and I know that our customer might be very angry on Monday, but my kids come first and I will have to do the best I can for my employee and customer on Monday and hope for the best.

I guess I've rambled but not given any advice. I think it just takes time to accept that there isn't enough of you to do either job as well as you could if you just a job or children and have faith that you can probably do both well enough despite sticky moments :)

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Thanks everyone. reastie, it's surprising how reassuring it is just to know there are other people out there, just being part of this conversation makes me feel better!

loopy, you are right, of course, but my lack of sleep is mostly caused by anxiety about work, and I thought it would be better to do something (even if that was just post on here!) rather than continue to toss and turn.sleep is important and I'm trying to go to bed on time, think positive thoughts and get myself out of a negative thought train at 3am. Anyone who has mastered this, I'd love to hear how...

happy, thanks for your incredibly helpful message, and congratulations on finding your balance again. I definitely think I'm my own worst enemy, and that for now I need to just get on, and act the part of the composed, competent manager in the hope that this turns it into reality over time, sounds like it worked for you! I think my staff have lost a bit of respect for me, but I suspect this is in large part because I've been fairly chaotic and open about how flappy I'm feeling. It does no-one any good! I also think that my heart's gone out of the job, so something I used to find challenging but rewarding I now find stressful and uninteresting. My plan is to decide what I really want to do (I've lost any ambitions I ever had to take over the world, but I do want to spend my working life doing something I find interesting and I believe in) and take baby steps towards that while cracking on and building my confidence again at this job.

All this is really easy to write of course, less easy to do! No doubt I'll be back looking for more wisdom, but friendly waves to anyone else out there finding it tough.

My rule at work has always been not to mention family life especially kids unless someone asks me a direct question. I keep my general demeanour on work. If there is anything else going on in my head I do not vocalise it and make sure any calls etc remain private.

Don't apologise for having a home life that needs to be a priority but at the same time don't broadcast it either.

Having said that I have a lovely team right now and we all appear to be at the same stage of life re our families so it feels safe if that makes sense.

Hope that helps.

brass, sound and simple advice, thanks.

I have been back at work 2 years now (my DD2 is 3 years old!!) but I still find it hard.

I work 3 days a week so work is always a worry and a huge juggle, at times it worked ok but often work just keeps stacking up on my days off and my mind cannot leave it alone.

Now that my other 3 are at school I have a burning desire to have some "me" time as the last years have been so stressful juggling work and children and would love for my 3 year old to go somewhere on my 2 days off but I am riddled with guilt about it. Also feel guilty that if I do send her to preschool I should really be working/doing chores.

So I'd love to say that it all gets better but actually sometimes juggling becomes just the way life has become - for me anyway. I agree with what Brass has said and I never mention children at work, I have learned this a while ago and it has proven a valuable lesson. Good luck!!!

Can I be honest and say i don't get why you don't want to mention family at work? I have an assistant and we love chatting about how her DGC are and how DD is doing. I like talking about DD. Today it got to lunch time and I was so busy I realised I hadn't even thought for a second about DD and how she was getting on - I like to have something to talk about with other colleagues as it gives me a topic of conversation if I don't have much else in common! Is it because you get upset at being reminded you're leaving them at home or because you like to seperate yourself from work and home and so distance the two?

I don't know if your're directing that at me but here goes

I work in a corporate/professional environment, mostly male. It is hard to be in my profession and harder still to return to it after children. Present yourself as mummy/housewife and that is how they will treat you, i.e not seriously.

Having said that the male team I'm with at the moment are going through school applications and births so if they bring it up I am more than happy to join in. I do not initiate these conversations or seek them out especially.

I also do not miss the DC or feel guilty! They are 13 and 11 and perfectly capable and independent without me for a few hours. I enjoy my work and there is an element of when I'm at work my mind is mostly on work. My employers know they can rely on me to get the job done. This makes me employable.

It works for me.

OK, I see - we are in very different work situations and I can see how it wouldn't work in the same way for you!

I felt totally inadequate when i returned to work (when DD was just 3 months old). I work in a corporate, male dominated environment and i was treated as a "mummy" in the most patronizing way when i returned but i brought a lot of that on myself as i did tell my colleagues what was happening at home. I felt so torn, i felt that i was doing my two jobs poorly. After 6 months i left and i've taken a year off to spend time with dd. I start again next week and I will be keeping both lives very separate, i no longer feel guilty about leaving DD as she's older now and loves creche.

I also think you need to do what your doing, if you are playing with your child play and don't think about work, if you are at work focus on that. Blurring the two leads to issues.

Watching with interest - went back to work in April after DS2. Been doing 4 day weeks til now, as the holiday glut has run out, so up to 5 day weeks.
Thought I was only just holding it together, and not really contributing as much as I should, but just been asked to apply for a different job, so someone thinks I'm doing OK.

I think having 2 years out from the previous 3 has made me re-evaluate things, and I'm actually not bothered about putting 110% in, just doing what is required to get done what is done, and get back to my boys.

Saying that, I was writing presentations at 10pm one night - but thats because I left at 5, and it needed doing before the next morning. Everyone else would have stayed til 6 or 7, and I'm not prepared to (and actually can't when DH is travelling).

My main problem hasn't been that I've been specifically preoccupied with DD while at work, or vice versa, more that my head generally felt messier and busier than ever before, just with noise and lack of focus. Which then meant my confidence dropped because I just didn't feel as capable as I was before, and I suppose I was also a bit anxious that I was no longer needed and was no longer the person with the answers at work. All of which I hoped would Just Go Away after a couple of months, and I was surprised when it didn't!

I've had a few epiphanies in the last month or two. The first of which is that I was wanting to recreate what I had before, which simply wasn't possible because the job, me, my hours etc had all changed, so far more intelligent to look at my current situation rather than bemoan the fact that life hadn't stood still in my absence.
The second was that I had to be more methodical and organised than I was before, and get some better systems in place to release the pressure on my stressed out old head. Sad as this is, I used a weekend day to come into work and do a bit of organising, sort my email system out etc. It helped, I now feel a bit more that work has got somewhere to live other than my head.
And the third, which I've only really had in the last couple of days is that this job just doesn't suit me anymore, it's not that I'm crap or it's crap, more that it no longer fits. That could be a depressing thought as we're a bit stuck financially, but acknowledging it gives me a bit of breathing space to think about what next and slowly slowly aim towards that, so I don't feel trapped. It might sound a bit idealistic, but I'm just not prepared to let work cast a shadow over my life or self esteem anymore.

Anyway, that was long way of saying that I agree that blurring home and work is not good, that a lot of it is about self-confidence, and that I've been a bit dim in actually realising that I needto take control of my situation rather than hope it just gets better.

OP I was describing what has helped me, I wasn't implying that preoccupation with your DD was the cause of your difficulties. I fully remember those early days when the children were younger and I didn't have adequate backup. I used to dread the first sign of sniffles as that would mean ME missing work, or the phone call from school saying pick them up for whatever reason. Mine are much older now and I have the added benefit of experience to juggle everything. You are just embarking on this journey and there is no perfect answer. Only what gives you peace of mind to concentrate on the task at hand.

Equally if the role makes you miserable, absolutely time to rethink what needs to change. Nothing better than your children's faces to motivate you! I found in the end that I got very good at negotiating part time or short contracts which meant I could spend the majority of time at home. I had nothing to lose.

Good luck, you'll be fine

Glad to find this thread. I've been back at work 4 months and it's been up & down (today a down!). Maternity cover was a much more senior person who has now been taken on permanently. She's lovely but full-time (I'm part-time) and I'm painfully of how much more productive she is. I think it's probably time for me to rethink my role & carve a niche for myself, particularly doing the stuff she's not so good at. Good luck redtree!

With regards to the 'chaos', what helps for me is to make sure I can clock off mentally as well as physically at the end of the day. Before I leave, I make my 'to do' list for the next day and plan all my calls/meetings, so I can wipe it from my brain as I walk out, and pick back up where I left the next morning. This clears my head for family stuff, which means I don't have to bring that into work the next day.

Hello again!

Brass, I know you weren't, I was just adding my personal 'lessons so far' into the mix... It's amazing how much just writing things down has helped clarify where I'm at. And your advice about keeping things separate is spot on anyway.

Maitre - looks like we're having similarish struggles! Wll be interesting to see how you get on with redefining yourself/your role, I want to do the same thing. And I bet she's not disproportinately productive... But it is hard when you're PT because there's so much to pick up when you get back, rather than working FT when everyone (in my work anyway) pretty much downs tools over the weekend.

Ciske, I'm trying to find ways to empty my head too. I read a book called 'Getting things done' which is about being productive, and it had some useful tips along those lines which I've been trying to stick too. I sometimes have to dash straight home from a meeting, but one way or another it wuld be good to do something similar to what you've got in place.

I'm glad I found this thread too. I went back to work 9 months ago & I'm struggling. As well as now having different priorities, part of my problem is that my company was taken over just before my mat leave. I'm doing the same role, but the company has changed considerably. I used to feel confident that I do a good job - now I feel totally inadequate, I know that I've dropped some major bollocks over the last couple of months :( I think my problem is an inability to manage lots of priorities. I've just been given a new project to manage, & so I'm desperate to do good job with this one - lists, planning, checking and double checking are the orders of the day for me

Very refreshing to read others' expereinces. I returned to work 7 months ago and whilst I love doing something other than parenting for 3 days per week (and DS loves his nursery), I am just so unhappy in my job, it makes me almost curl up and weep. I am very very lucky that DH has agreed to me handing in my notice and as long as we cut DS's (expensive) nursery to 2 days rather than 3, we can afford for me to no work at all - although this isn't actually what I want, I would want to use those 2 days to do something towards earning money. The question is, what? I realise I am lucky that we can afford for me to do this, but I feel such a sense of relief that I can be free to choose my next path... I think I was so fed up of being told what to do, I'd like to be my own boss!!

Hi littleredtree,
I feel your pain. I think I'm now suffering from stress from working fulltime and raising 3 kids (not on my own, dh is great and works also). I wake up anxious and have a skin problem just now. I can't touch alcohol as it triggers my anxiety and makes me very emotional. On the upside it's forced me to return to my faith and that is really helping.
The truth is I feel I'm a bit of a frustrated artist - id like to write. But that takes time and peace and quiet. So for now, while our family needs the steady income, I will work fulltime and the thought of doing something different in 5 to 10 years keeps me going.
Ps the anxiety and stress comes more from the fact that I work with a few really horrible people, on a daily basis. But I'm not going to go there while I'm chilling in a Saturday night. Don't think I've helped you but this has helped me- getting it off my chest to a complete stranger.
Good luck with your decision.

Hello littleredtree and everyone,

I've been back at work for two weeks now, and within that time I have caught two nasty cold viruses. I feel awful and can hardly function, but the days of long leisurely recuperation are no more....

I work full time, half the week from home (when we are lucky enough to have family childcare so I can see my 1 year old DS in breaks; he is at nursery for the other days) and I am so glad that I do have that option. BUT it's still a full time job, and I'm exhausted. I work in a male dominated, product-driven, techy workplace - it feels so hard to try to engage with it all again when my brain doesn't seem to have the same sharpness due to exhaustion/change of priorities.

So I haven't been back for very long at all but I feel pulled in so many different directions

My own powerful need to just be with my beautiful son, my guilt about that not being possible, the need to be a dynamic person at work with energy and focus, the need to keep our home reasonably clean and tidy, the need to get enough sleep/recuperate from illness, the need to have some time to enjoy my relationship with DH. Etc.

Sorry for the moan but I feel so upset and drained and ill today and it just helps to share.

From reading everyone's posts it sounds like it doesn't get easier, you just have to develop new strategies to cope?

Hi Davey, 33, mrsm and Oovoof, and everyone else :)

Yep, Sunday night blues right now. But.. And this is a massive but... You all on here experiencing somewhat similar things is making me realise it's not MY failings, and MY problem, and like others have said, it's just such a big weight off my brain to get that message. So, thanks, even though I know that doesn't help you!

Davey it sounds as though you've already learned tonnes since going back, and that you've got some really good tricks in place to make this project work. If things have changed at work, and you're not so happy there, have you thought about moving on?

33, how exciting! Have you found the 'do you want to be an entrepreneur' thread on here? Sme good tips and chat. I'll try and find the link in a bit.

ov, ye gods, I hear you. Don't know whether it helps to hear that for me, the bit about feeling sick about leaving DD faded... Not that I don't miss her terribly, but she loves her childcare and being busy at work means that bit doesn't hurt so profoundly. All the stuff you say about brain feeling like mush though... well, some people seem to have sorted it, so maybe the rest of us will! I'm starting to think that, as others have posted, it's more about confidence than actually not being able to do things as well... But that doesn't make it easier, does it? I hope things get better.

Oh, and mrsm, definitely with you about sharing with a complete stranger! I really hope you can find a way to write, and that your anxiety eases. Is there anyway you can change jobs/teams to get away from the nasties? You are worth more than the illness it's creating - from one stranger to another!

Thanks little red tree It does help to know that there are loads of us out there, struggling and doing our best, doesn't it?

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. I was feeling iller than ever and couldn't muster the energy to take (just turned 1, power-toddling, chair-climbing, über excitable little loony) DS out anywhere. So he got more and more bored and frustrated as I felt worse and worse. Mummy lying on the living room floor in her dressing-gown, coughing, isn't fun for very long....He refused to nap but was doing angry shouty red-faced crying out of tiredness. Dear DH (also ill - it's laughs a plenty at Oovoof towers right now ) ended up taking him out so I could sob in the bath until I felt more human

Lemsip are currently making a lot of money out of us

mrs m sorry to hear about your stress-related condition. I too have creative projects of my own that are stacked up in my mind, shimmering for attention. But they will have to wait. Maybe as our kids get older we will find some time, somewhere?

ONWARDS

Oh and mrs m - three DCs - respect. I'm finding it hard with one little crazy baby boy!