Teachers, or anyone really - I'm just really struggling

[reastie]

You probably don't may remember me from posting back in January upon returning from mat leave (although it was prolonged to just over 1.5 years as I was signed off work for pg) that I couldn't cope with the workload and all the extra stuff I needed to do in addition to my time in school teaching (parents evenings, planning, marking etc etc)

I've been back now for several months and this week returning after the summer break I'm just feeling really down about how rubbish I feel I am in my job. Pre preg I just feel like I got all my classes to behave as I wanted and I had respect from both staff and students in the school. I had a very good reputation in the school as a teacher. Now I've returned from mat leave for some time, and given myself plenty of time to get back to teaching etc, I'm just finding I can't control the students and I have no idea why! It's like any respect I had I've lost. Sometimes I'd come home and cry at the fact the students just don't listen to me and I can't get through to them. I try different management techniques but I can't get through to them. I've never really had this problem ever before (apart from a short time with only a couple of classes soon after I first qualified).

It's really getting me down. I used to love my job and I'm a bit of a perfectionist and used to have time to do so much extra prep and work to do things as well as I could. I just can't do that now I have an 18mo, and I struggle to even keep my head above water, and feel like I'm constantly behind. I rely on family for childcare so my hours are limited to when I teach in school and I have very little time away from school to do any work.

Maybe this is just beginning of term-itis and things will settle down, but, tbh I haven't felt like I'm doing a decent job since I returned despite doing by best within the time I have. I've made a couple of serious errors in the last term (that I don't want to go into) and it's really made me feel down. I've always had confidence issues in my ability despite always having positive feedback in lesson observations. I just feel like any knack I may have had in the past has gone.

The reason for this post other than just a moan is has anyone else experienced this when returning to work? I'm feeling so down that I'll never get the students to 'get' me and my teaching and I can't believe how differently they behave compared to how they used to. I keep thinking I must be doing something terribly wrong. Or just any thoughts you had from reading this.

Oh, and I work just over 2 days a week, so it's not like I'm full time of anything

I'm not a teacher, but have returned to work from Mat leave and it was a bit horrible.

I felt like I was just a rubbish version of my younger pre-baby self and couldn't get anything done. Manager agreed. It was a horrible circle of self loathing.

To turn things round, she got fired, and new manager came in and was delighted with the work that I was doing and instead of pointing out the flaws that I was worried about, was more focused on the good. Confidence booster probably, but it worked. I was smashing targets left right and centre and getting on with my colleagues brilliantly because I was so much happier in myself.

So, for you, who admits that you have confidence issues, you need to get your groove back. Your self doubt may not be immediately obvious to your students but as you're aware they'll pick on any sign of weakness. The fact that you're part time at the moment is difficult as well as it's hard to establish yourself when you aren't with them the majority of the week.

I would push on, You've had a child for gods-sake, do you not think that after all that palaver and night feeds etc that you are capable of just about anything!?

Find your enjoyment in your work, whatever it may be, and focus on that. Make yourself happy and stop worrying. The rest will fall into place.

Thanks alot, you speak alot of sense. My immediate manager is generally supportive and positive and I think realises I need confidence boosting, the powers that be, however, can be quite rude and condescending in their behaviour towards other members of staff, so I'm always worried I'll be next on their hit list.

I had a good lesson today, so feel a bit more positive, but from experience of last term I know I'll have a rubbish day where I feel like never going back again, and then a great day where I wonder what I was thinking about, and then a rubbish one comes along soon enough.

Thanks MrsC

Anytime!

For every shite day there's a good one round the corner as well though! Just depends how you look at it.

So long as you keep your immediate manager on board, if the powers that be ever laid an eye on you, you'd be fine, because you're doing everything by the book and to the letter.

You'll get your groove back! I'm sure of it.

I've just posted a very similar message! No advice, because I'm in the same boat (though I'm not a teacher), but it is such a relief to hear that there is someone else who hasn't got back into it properly a few months in. I've got quite a supportive boss too, who basically thinks I'm doing ok and should just stop worrying, which I suppose is good but it's easier said than done when I can see that I'm not as good as I used to be.

Ithink it probably is a confidence thing, and it will get better. I'm trying to count the small things that I feel I've done well rather than exaggerate the things that I feel aren't going well - maybe you could do that too, keep focussing on your successes, however small. Hopefully it'll snowball. Good luck!

I remember your thread, reastie - I take it you decided against handing in your notice in the end?

Gah. Going back to teaching after ML is horrible. Were you full time before? I think that makes a big difference TBH. When you're full time, you have more of a presence in school and this makes behaviour management easier.

You say "I used to love my job and I'm a bit of a perfectionist and used to have time to do so much extra prep and work to do things as well as I could."- don't underestimate the impact of this! I just did not have the same energy to devote to the kids after I had DD1. You have to lower your standards and be adequate for a while; tread water IYSWIM.

You will never be the teacher you were pre-DC; BUT, you may become a better one than before. It just takes time.

I echo what Harrypie says about a different school making a difference. What are your plans?

harry tis the same school . I was offered another job at another school last term but turned it down as I knew it would be too much change at a delicate and sensitive time work wise for me.

tether yes I remember you too . No, I didn't hand my notice in, I got by day by day and the days added to weeks which went into months and I just tell myself all the time 'just get to half term/end of term' all the time. You're right, I'll never be the same teacher again - maybe I hadn't realised this on any certain terms. I was PT pre preg, but as I didn't have any commitments I was in school a lot longer to catch up on work. Also, my PT hours in the past have fluctuated between 2.5 - 4 days a week at this school. Currently I'm on 2 days.

I could almost deal with less prep time etc and accept it, it's just how I seem to have no respect from students (I do generalise greatly here) which I did used to have, and it makes lessons hard to enjoy. There's also increasing pressure from SLT for extra things/very high standards, which is a good thing but it's hard to fulfil. Argh, gtg DD screaming...

And I'm back!

I thing the thing I also struggle with is feeling like I can't do both jobs properly - I try to do my teaching job as good as I can and I am too tired to do things with DD. if I do lots of things with DD I am tired for school. So I do both badly and probably if I'm honest put alot of energy into teaching (which I'm barely managing to get by) and I just get short with DD when I'm at home with her as I just want some peace for a few minutes. This summer we had such a great time - we did lots of crafts/cooking/toddler classes/trips out/feeding ducks etc etc but now I just wish the day away to her lunch nap and then she wakes up and I wish the day away until DH comes home so he can help. I feel awful about it and I don't want her toddlerdom to dash past me feeling I was too busy or preoccupied to enjoy it - she'll be my only DD and I want to enjoy her - she's grown up so much already!

Also for some reason I feel like I just can't relate to the students in the same way I used to and don't have the same rapport I did. I'm not sure if that's as I'm getting older so not as down with the young folk or as I had alot of anxiety issues when pg and essentially barely had any social contact for most of my pg with anyone bar family and a couple of friends, and I sometimes feel like I'm not fully back and integrated with people how I was

Thanks all for listening - it really helps to write it down to think it through

little I'm sorry you're going through similar things - it's rubbish isn't it.

I sympathise as I know it is very hard going back after ML. I went back to teaching full time after having DD1, but I put her in a nursery which meant I could stay at school and prepare for the next day before picking her up later.

Is there any way you could rearrange your child care so you get some preparation/marking time either on the days you teach or on other days? I think if you had that it would help the classroom situation enormously as you would feel more on top of things. Confidence is very important in the classroom- those children can smell any fear!

What age group/subject do you teach?

I teach secondary. I could do an extra hour on one of the days I'm in but I really need that time to go to the gym - the gym always used to be my salvation and thing that helped with stress/self confidence. I have alot of baby weight to shift too but I've lost over a stone in 2 months with lots of gyming, so my priority really is to get out of school quickly so I can get to the gym - it's the only thing I do for myself and it's important to me. Maybe I'm prioritising wrong . I work through breaks and lunches already and try to get in a bit early to get stuff done too. I think I also appear rude to colleagues as I don't have time to chit chat anymore, which tbh hasn't helped me reintegrate back into the staff body. I say hello and a few words, but no proper conversations as I don't have time! I sound awful don't I!

I went back to work when my littlest was 5 months, full time, new school. I felt quite a lot like that too, but to be honest I'm not the kind of person to worry too much.

I left my job fairly recently to move abroad, and am now teaching in an international school. The differences are remarkable, and it's only now really that I realise how soul-destroying teaching in secondary in the UK is. Schools are not family friendly employers at home (certainly those I taught at), and the workload is horrific. I now teach kids who almost all want to do well in every subject, and who will do any activity you ask of them, then are thrilled at the more fun things. Other staff aren't stressed, so are supportive and friendly. This makes such a difference. Many of the parents are heavily involved in school life, and you get to know them well. You build a relationship with them as well as their kids, and there is mutual respect.

I'm sorry in that this post won't help you on a practical level - not unless you fancy emigration! But I thought it was worth pointing out that it isn't you, it's the overly demanding system. Teachers really aren't given enough time to do everything they need, and on top of that crowd control is a massive issue in most secondary schools.

I think, if I had remained in the UK, I would be thinking about a career change. I love teaching, but would be considering a PRU perhaps or consultancy of some sort. Clearly those options (especially PRU) present their own difficulties, but I had simply had enough of the constant battle with hundreds of teenagers, none of whom you get to know terribly well with such a tight teaching timetable, huge classes and other commitments. Now, I teach each class 5 times a week (MFL), whereas in the UK many y7 and y8 classes were once a week or even fortnight. I now feel I can get to know my pupils, which builds a bond where you can work effectively together.

Sorry, long post. In short - it isn't just you. :)

I haven't shifted the baby weight yet and DD is in the sixth form. Perhaps I should have gone down the gym instead of preparing lessons and marking.

I think you have to look long term. Do you want to continue teaching? Is your heart really in it? Where do you want to be in ten years time?

Do you think it is fair to your students that you are prioritising your gym sessions over preparing your lessons?

Never mind it being fair to her students, the only sensible priority is her own well-being and her family. If that means an hour in the gym, it is well worth it.

What is unfair, frankly, is that teachers are expected to live for their jobs and put everything else aside. It is a job. Why should she have to get childcare on her day off to plan lessons? Why should she have to forgo her hour's exercise for planning? She shouldn't. There should be more time in the school day to get it done, or there should be much less beurocratic shit to deal with to enable existing time to be spent doing the important things - planning, marking and teaching.

OP can I ask what hours you are doing at school? The school day at our place finishes at 3.30pm, I stay and work until 5.30pm or 6pm. There are meetings to go to but I also do a lot of work in that time. I don't think leaving at that time is unreasonable. It is what most people do. It is called having a job.

"Do you think it is fair to your students that you are prioritising your gym sessions over preparing your lessons?"

Eh? Really?

The poor little darlings must be suffering terribly

Actually, do you think it's fair on your students that you go home at all, reastie?

Loopy- so glad the new job is good

I think it's the part time that is most difficult. You miss so much of general day to day stuff that you're kind of always a step behind everyone and time you spend dealing with something that happened when you weren't there adds to this.

I love my job but this is the first time I ever spent Sunday nights wondering if I should quit!

Future I think your comments are unfair. I had a difficult pg and for various reasons that I won't go into put on over 4 stone . I am now obese and for my long term health it is important that I lose weight. I can't see how putting my job before my health is a positive thing, plus, it's probably the only stress relief activity I do so makes me better both as a teacher to deal with things and at home to look after DD. I don't think all teachers can be expected to not have a social life (I realise this isn't much of a social life!). As I mentioned previously, I rely on family for childcare - they also have a life and other commitments and can't look after DD longer than their hours. I work 2 days first thing to 1pm and one day first thing to 3. The day I work later I can go to the gym, the other 2 days I have to rush home to collect DD. It's simply not as easy as just staying after school like you do

It sounds like you've got yourself into a cycle of looking forward and worrying what might/could happen rather than focusing on the here and now, then struggling in the here and now because you're distracted by the future. It's easy to do that when you're anxious.

Try to focus on each separate day, and even each separate hour, and tackle each one individually, just for the time being. Then let that hour go, and move on to the next one. Try not to think too far ahead (can be difficult in teaching, I know) and try not to get distracted thinking about things you can't really control. If you start worrying about being "in the firing line" of management, say to yourself "Has it already happened? No, well there's no point in worrying then. I'll worry when it happens." Imagining something happening is often far worse than the reality of it.

Teaching is very physically, emotionally and mentally draining, especially in the UK where the actual teaching bit is considered a rather minor part of a massive bureaucratic exercise.

FWIW I would advise you not to stop going to the gym. To me, it sounds like you're in danger of sinking into depression, and the exercise will do a huge amount to prevent that happening.

Thanks tether. How's the lovely wee baby? :)

Can you try to get more flexible childcare? It sounds like you need more hours of child care to be honest. You are trying to cram too much into too short a time.

milt it's just not an option sadly. There are ocassions when DM can take DD maybe up to an hour longer if she is free and I have a big workload, otherwise everything has to get done when it can get done or I do bits during the week ends/whilst looking after DD (the latter is pretty impossible!)

cailin I'm trying to do that opinion - I try to tell myself now it will get done because it has to get done

Where is your DP/DH in all of this. Can he not share the care of his DD at the weekends or in the evenings?

DH takes a few hours off work every week to share the childcare and would take DD at week ends (and has when I am desperate to get stuff done). I guess it's just the impact of work on my free time - we don't always get alot of time together as a family and I value week ends together. I also spend time at week ends batch cooking etc for the week ahead as I struggle to cook with DD around in the week and don't want even more of my time taken away from my family. I realise this could just be something I need to accept I need to do as a teacher, but it just makes me feel down.

Perhaps not right now but in the near future you would consider using a nursery, or even finding a gym with a good creche?

I wonder if you would feel less pressure to do stuff with your dd if you knew she had activity filled time somewhere else and that some of the time at home really was 'down' time for everyone to rest and relax?

DD went to an excellent leisure centre creche while i did an exercise class, came out with paintings and crafty pictures.

I think you are right to prioritise some exercise too, loosing weight will (eventually!) boost your confidence and make you feel less tired and worn out.