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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Going back to work

13 replies

YesThisTime · 29/08/2012 20:46

I think I probably am BU, but my head is so muddled I'd be grateful for views.

DS will be 17mo when I return to work, part-time for 2 days a week. DH will switch to working 5 days in 4 and will look after DS one day a week. DM has kindly offered to look after him for the remaining day.

Even though this set-up sounds great, I still can't help but feel awful about leaving my PFB. The money I earn will effectively be our pocket money, as we can survive on DH's salary. Money would be very tight and we would have very few treats/outings etc. we would have to budget meal plan and limit petrol etc. My 2 day a week salary will give us a few more options financially.

I do miss working, even though I've loved being at home with DS and I don't feel ready to leave my job completely. Also, can see a point in the future, post-babies when I would want to try and progress in my career.

I just feel so guilty for leaving him. Even though he will be with people he loves. Does it get easier?

Just realised this probably shouldn't be in AIBU. Apologies.

OP posts:

Original poster

YesThisTime · 29/08/2012 20:47

And I really don't want this to turn into a SAHM vs WOHM bun fight, I do not judge anyone for whatever choices they make.

OP posts:

ramblingmum · 29/08/2012 20:59

He will be with his dad and his grandma and be fine. It will feel a bit strange at first but just try it

maybenow · 29/08/2012 21:01

If it helps at all i GENUINELY believe that your pfb will be more enriched by spending good chunks of 1:1 time with two other adults who love him unconditionally as much as you do.

of course YOU'LL miss him but he'll be great.

TheCrackFox · 29/08/2012 21:02

It sounds like the perfect set up so grab it with both hands.

Original poster

YesThisTime · 29/08/2012 21:02

I know. I'm being a fool. Thanks!

OP posts:

PineappleBed · 29/08/2012 21:02

Do you think it's a pre-work wobble or have you bern anxious for some time? Are you worried about settling him into the new system as if you are maybe your DH could change his pattern before you go back and you could do a fortnight with it in the new system to settle him whilst you're potentially on hand (but not physically present).

Personally I would go back as it's very difficult to get back to the same grade/pay/position after a big break and you seem to see some positives in going back - you can always quit at any point if it doesn't work out.

I also think it might get a bit miserable just surviving on DH's wage if you dont have to especially if you go on to regret not going back. Would your DH be happy to ge the sole bread winner?

I go back in November, DD will be 13 months and there is a small selfish irrational part of me which is a tiny silly bit jealous that someone else will be so important to her and worried they might be much better than me and on the days I look after her she'll just want to be with them. Utterly silly I know but I'd understand if you felt a little like that too.

If it's "just" guilt and you do want to go back do think that it only feels like your leaving him as that's how maternity leave is set up in the uk. Your DH has gone back already and "left him" and I bet their bond is fantastic.

There are no right or wrong decisions just think it through with your DH and remember you can always change if the first plan doesn't work.

Hope this ramble helps in some way...

Sephiroth · 29/08/2012 21:04

It's tough going at first, but try it out and give yourselves time to settle into new routines.
There are loads of benefits to being at work apart from pay, hot coffee and unaccompanied toilet breaks being my top ones

NapaCab · 29/08/2012 21:06

I can see why you might miss seeing your son every day but I don't know why you would feel guilty about going back to work. You're leaving him with his father and grandmother and you'll still see him 5 days out of 7. He's not exactly a newborn either. You're not being self-indulgent, spending time on a hobby, you're making a perfectly legitimate decision to stay in touch with your career and try to improve your family finances a little too.

Sorry, I just don't get why you would feel guilty about balancing family and work. It's what everyone does. It's not as if you're going back full-time and leaving a 6 month old baby in full-time childcare, which is what many mothers have to do.

MNHQ

RowanMumsnet · 29/08/2012 21:07

Hi there,

We've moved this thread to 'Going Back To Work' (the topic!)

Thanks
MNHQ

Original poster

YesThisTime · 29/08/2012 21:11

Thank you PineappleBed. I think I am struggling to face up to life changing again. I feel like I have only just got used to being at home and now it's all changing again. And I just can't get the picture out of my mind of him needing me and me not being there. I'm pretty sure that won't happen at all and he'll be fine, but part of me thinks "what if he just wants his mum?"

It's irrational and I think I would regret leaving work in the long term because of my unfounded anxieties about leaving him. I do like my job and have a lot of friends there.

But like you, I also selfishly worry about no longer being his número uno!

OP posts:

maybenow · 29/08/2012 21:19

It's hard but he won't 'need his mum' when he has his dad and his grandmother AND he'll very quickly learn that his mum will be back soon. It'll feel horrible for you but it's true.

[sorry, i don't know if that makes you feel better or worse]

FarrowAndBollock · 29/08/2012 21:24

If he's got his Dad and Granny looking after him, I'd do it. Having not gone back to work, it is quite hard once your children go off to school.

SEG123 · 29/08/2012 23:22

I found it really difficult to back to work at first. But YesThistime - your kids will always love/adore you (if you ever watch Jeremy.K you will see kids love their parents no matter what they do to them). You will always be their first choice to run to when they hurt themselves or just need a cuddle. So try not to punish yourself.

I have a 3 year old who started nursery when he was 9months. He has loads of friends and amazing social skills for such a little person. The experience has been so positive my 4 month old is about to start nursery on Monday (all day, 4 days a week).

I was really frustrated when I was on maternity leave both times. I just spent most of the day doing house chores or trying to find things to do to get us out the house. But now I work full time, I love my job and when I'm home I focus completely on my boys. I just feel so much more satisfied. I make the most of every minute I have with them but I do have a v flexible job which is about 5 mins drive from our house and nursery.

When we first started talking about children it was a huge issue for me family v career. Spending so much time in education and being on the career ladder I decided to go for both which so far has worked really well.

YesThisTime, I think it's really positive for your children to know you always come back when you go away so they don't get anxiety issues later on.

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