Under pressure from hubby to keep working

[HeyLollyLolly]

Anyone else finding their other half less supportive than anticipated over the choice to work or be a SAHM?

I took 2 yrs off with my first DD, taking advantage of a good voluntary redundancy package which we made work for us. Wanted time to figure out what kind of mum I wanted to be. DH seemed supportive while the lump sum I got was helping top up our income. Planned to find a part-time position during the 2nd year. In a semi-professional, relatively niche career and found nothing even to apply for that was part-time. So applied for and got a full-time job, hoping to do 6 months then apply to convert to part-time.

Have been miserable in it though. Combination of deep unhappiness at spending so little time parenting my daughter, plus poor training and support in the job which has lots of stuff in it that's new to me, plus heaps of bureacracy to navigate. At many stages along the way I've wanted to quit - it just hasn't felt right. But hubby has encouraged me to hold on a bit longer, give it more of a chance etc. We're pregnant again so the push has been to make it to my mat leave. But after 4 months of working I couldn't take any more, went to my doctor and was signed off with stress. That was 8 weeks ago. My health is better so ai expect to be signed on again, but I still don't want to go back to work. The thought of it fills me with dread and horror. I'd only have to do a few weeks on a phased return basis before annual leave and my mat leave kick in. But even that horrifies me. My confidence has really been knocked and I don't think the training or support issues will be much better.

If I go back, I can have my years mat leave then apply for a part-time return. From where I am right now though I don't think I'd even want that. I'm not ruling out working at all. I just want to wipe the slate clean and start over fresh at the right time with the right job. I want to be fair to my employers too. If I quit now, I can re-org my hols, bring forward my mat leave and still get my SMP. However if I go back for a few weeks and don't quit now, even if I quit later I'll get additional backdated holiday pay. I don't feel comfy though working the system that way to eek every penny out of my employers when I'm not at all committed to working for them. However my hubby really wants me to do this. He's told me at each stage (somewhat reluctantly at times) that it's ok if I quit if the job's not working out, but every time I want to do it he fights me on it and he's fighting me now still - regardless of the fact that trying to force this situation to work has made me ill. I feel it's never ever going to be ok with him for me to quit under any circumstances. We can afford to live on just his salary and have savings too. When we decided to have a family I thought he supported me choosing what kind of mum I wanted to be. That doesnt seem true now. He's right to point out that I'm the more aspirational of us with hopes and desires for bigger houses, holidays etc, but I've told him I can accept the drop in standard of living. He says he can too but I'm doubting that now. We're having battles about it now and I don't know what to do. He says he'll go with my decision whatever it is but he doesn't agree with my quitting. I feel it's his decision too since it makes him the sole breadwinner and don't know what to do.

Sorry for long rambling ranting post!

I think it's a huge ask to expect one's partner to be the sole earner and I think he's completely within his rights to say that he isn't comfortable with that. Why should he be? It's not only about the aspirational lifestyle, but that it's bloody terrifying to carry the responsibility for income/financing your lifestyle, however unaspirational or aspirational it may be, alone. E.g having no fall back in case of redundancy, that's scary.

That you're unhappy in your current job is one thing which needs sorting out, and where he should support you. However, expecting him to be fine with ditching your work completely until you figured out what kind of mum you want to be and then part time, is not fair on him either. When I was deeply unhappy with my job to the extent that going in made me feel sick, I used my maternity leave to work on my CV and apply for something better elsewhere. You seem to only want to look at this job or no job as if that were the only alternatives.

What kind of dad does he want to be? Would you support him in going part time, too?

I think that going back for a few weeks weeks is a good idea - you will want to go back to work at some point I imagine at somane stage and I think if you don't go back yo your confidence will be much lower - and in over a year and with a possiblity of part time work you might possibly feel differently - and its hard to tell now if you will or not

'We can afford to live on just his salary and have savings too.'

Are you sure he agrees with that statement? Why should he have to work harder for a reduced standard of living just because you don't like your job at present.

Granted your current job is making you ill, it does not mean all jobs will do that to you. Your gripe is with your current job, not with working in general. But the solution you are suggesting is akin to burning bridges.

I can see why your dh is not keen.

I think it's entirely reasonable for him to want you to contribute financially too. It's just not as simple as saying 'We can afford to live on one income'. What if he loses his job/gets sick/feels unable to cope with the pressure of being sole earner? And even if none of these things happen, he's no doubt taking the long view and thinking of you keeping your skills in, and your pension going.

You talk a lot about figuring out the kind of mum you want to be; well, what about the kind of dad he wants to be? Being a mum doesn't mean you hold all the trump cards and can decide when/if/how much you want to work. You have already had 2 years off with your child which has no doubt given you a lot more hands on time than your DH has had as a parent

The issue of disliking your current job definitely needs addressing, and it may be a case of applying elsewhere, re training etc. But not liking this job is a separate issue from the general issue of work. Try to place yourself in your DHs shoes - it must be a huge pressure to feel he has to be sole earner, and the longer you stay out of the workplace, the greater the likelihood he'll continue to carry that pressure

I think you should stand your ground and try to convince your other half of the benefits to you all of having one parent at home. Not having to pay childcare, having children with family all the time rather than paid carers, no worries if they are ill, you being happy. I know the trend is that both parents should do everything the same ie paid work but I disagree. I think doing different jobs can be of equal importance. Ie one parent caring while one earns. It is the latest thing to think why can't men do it and why should women etc. But it is usually women who want to and biologically women who give birth and breastfeed etc. I think this makes a difference for many women. I love SAHM and DH loves working in his dream job. The kids are happy with us home.

Ps- I would make an appointment to speak with your line manager and /or HR manager on your return. You presumably should be offered a return to work appt anyway as you've been off for a while. Then you can raise the issues of poor training etc which led to you feeling so stressed. Your employer has a responsibility to listen to you and support you. That way you can start to feel you're taking back some control. I can see the temptation to cut and run when you're not happy, but that's really not being fair to your dh.

Wow! I take it you're all working mums then. So does no one recognise being a stay at home mum as a valid, or even positive choice nowadays? Silly me thought women had battled all these years in order to have a choice on this kind of issue! Yes, it's a choice we both have to make as a couple which is why my husband's opinion matters to me in the first place. I'm not necessarily suggesting I give up on work forever, just that this job has not been the right thing for me, or us as a family. I'm open to looking for a part-time job again in the future, but given that DH is happy to go to work and agrees we can afford to live on just his salary, then I feel that being a full-time stay at home mum should be an option.

A few of you have said, 'what about the kind of father he wants to be', and that's a fair point - he would like to be able to spend more time at home (in theory - the opportunity came up though and he chose not to due to fears of damaging his career).But I don't think it's a point that trumps what's best for his daughter (we both agree that we didnt have her so we could pay hundreds of pounds a month to have an assortment of poorly educated strangers look after her for the majority of her waking life at nursery), and I don't think it trumps me having to ignore every fibre of my being regarding being a mother or how I feel my children should be cared for and raised. That is the main factor in the stress and ill-health I've experienced while going back to work. I feel I'm doing the wrong thing by my child AND by myself. I get that lots of mums work and are happy with that. I'm not happy though and expect that to matter more to my husband.

Research evidence has shown there are positives and negatives for our kids to staying at home versus working, but overall it shows that what makes mum happy is best for the child. Happy mum = happy kids! Going to work is making me miserable!

PS thanks Jellybeans. Glad to find some support for the SAHM!

jellybeans, even if OP's dh is in his 'dream job', does not mean he wants the burden of being the sole breadwinner. Those are two completely different things.

Fine for OP to SAHM if her husband supports her. But not if he does not. Then that is selfish and using her womb as an excuse.

Couldn't disagree more with that jellybeans. Most dads are just as capable of caring for their children as women are. And with a long maternity leave it's perfectly possible for women to bf anyway. Many women continue to bf after returning to work too. And I hope it goes without saying that women are just as capable of holding down a job as men!

If a couple agree that they are happy with one having all the pressure of earning and the other not working then that's their individual choice- but its entirely understandable that many people ( ops husband included) don't want that set up. I wouldn't want my dh to have to work ridiculous hours or chase promotions just to enable me to not work. Hardly fair on our children- they deserve a dad who isn't knackered and stressed from being sole earner.

I still don't think she is being selfish though in wanting to stay home with her kids, at least till school age. If she talks to him a bit more she may be able to allay his fears. After all she can always go back to work at some point if they get into financial difficulties. I know a few women desperate to stay home but their other halves won't give up their spending on golf, gambling etc. That is selfish. Of course if money is tight then that is different. Then you can understand it. But if they can afford to live well on his wage then I don't see why she shouldn't stay caring for her own kids rather than hire someone to do it instead.

So you actually don't really want to hear any advice, but were just looking for reassurance that you're so totally in the right about your husband being a meanie?

jellybeans - how on earth do you think is she going to keep her earning potential if she stays at home until the kids are at school? That's over 4 years of not working since #2 isn't even born yet.

Do you really think that a part time unskilled job will make up for the loss of earnings should he face redundancy, illness etc?

Why waste our time seeking advice when your mind is made up? Check out the thread wannabe started a few months back on returrning to work after being a SAHM. You will be deskilled and effectively starting from scratch.

What level of education do you think is adequate for caring for toddlers?

X posts lots :)

OP- if you are paying an assortment of poorly educated strangers to care for your child you might want to reconsider your childcare and find a good childminder or nursery.

You are now coming across as very judgemental about working mothers. If you don't like your job, take some positive steps to change things. But don't assume that because you are a mum you have some god given right to not work until you feel like it, while your dh carried the financial burden.

You are also trying to turn this into a SAHM/WOHM bunfight by claiming some of us don't see staying home as a valid choice. It is only valid if BOTH partners think it through and agree they are happy with this arrangement. Your dh isn't happy- he does not want to be the sole earner. And that's an entirely reasonable position. Why shouldn't a dad want to spend less time chasing money and more time with his family?

Hi. I think a lot of good and valid points have been made already. However the decision to be SAHM vs working is surely one to take at a more leisurely pace ( ie when you are on mat leave and have time to think). You clearly hate your current job but that doesn't mean you will hate them all. If it was me I would work out exactly what the financial loss of not going back right now would be, and decide what to do for the best, for right now. If it was bearable I would 'keep my options open' until I had had more time to think about what I wanted. Don't forget how vulnerable etc you can feel when pregnant, and that's without having just been on sick leave.

my point -and I should have said so - that having been off sick and come back with a staged recovery that it was actually a really positve experience for my mental health and view of my career-and it was really scary at the time - what you choose to do long term - eg after your 2nd mat leave - is a different matter -and I think making a long term decesion when you are not completly well isn't always the best thing
long term you have to work it out with your DH -
I think part time work is very different from working full time - and is the option that suits me - sound like you havn't been completly happy with your childcare - whereas I have been 100% happy with mine - I use very experieced childminders
but I do know in RL and on her loads of families where a stay at home parent - is the best option for them -however I do also know in RL and on here how difficult it is to get a similar level job after a carreer break -HTH

Many children need their parents to be around more once they are schoolage. Because then logistically it becomes more difficult and their emotional needs increase.

Personally if I was to spend more time at home, I would do it when dcs are older rather than when they are younger.

Heylolly, your dh is suspecting this is part of a slippery slope to permanent SAHM-dom. I would too.

How many SAHMs actually make the transition back to a job that is anywhere near what they were earning before they left it to have children. PT jobs don't come up like that for someone who has been out of the market for more than a year or two. You will have to start ft and work your way into a pt role or you will end up taking up a minimum wage pt job for which your previous skills are of no relevance. Do you have the stamina to do this?

The onus is on you to convince him otherwise.

OP I don't think you should turn this into a SAHM/WOHM debate. Both are valid choices for different reasons.

The crux of this issue is that both parents need to be in agreement, and you and your DH obviously aren't. He obviously feels that you are putting on the pressure with regard to your lifestyle, and is perhaps worried about whether he can deliver that on his own.
I think that bearing in mind that you have a very few weeks to get through before maternity leave that you should stick it out. Then the door is still open to you to return if you and your DH decide that is the best choice for your family.

I say all of this as a SAHM, I never went back after I had my first baby because work refused my flexible working request.

Not all sole earners are that stressed. My DH works 39 hrs a week and spends loads of time with DC inc going to most school events etc. He loves his job and can do it as I stay with DC as he works shifts that change all the time. He thinks working is easier than SAH with 5 DC!

I agree that men can be just as capable SAHP though.

I think your DHs first concern should be your happiness. Yes the previous posts are right, it is a lot to expect him to be sole earner. But surely his family come first in his eyes. Maybe he just diesnt realise the long term effect you being this unhappy could have on the whole family.

Being a working mum really isnt the be all and end all. But I dont think thats the issue here. You intend on working in the future but you feel you need to leave now. You are pregnant and to me that should come first. I think you need to speak to your DH and find out exactly why he wants you to keep working so much.

I am a SAHM and tbh I dont want to be. I intend on retraining when bump is a few months old. So Im not advocating either choice. Im just saying that you and DH are a partnership. And sometimes being equal doesnt mean both working. It means both opinions being taken into consideration.

I dont even know if this makes sense. Sorry!

"I think your DHs first concern should be your happiness. Yes the previous posts are right, it is a lot to expect him to be sole earner. But surely his family come first in his eyes. Maybe he just diesnt realise the long term effect you being this unhappy could have on the whole family."

So his happiness is of no concern, as long as he brings the dosh home?

Good for you jellybeans- but not all men feel the same, and the ops dh clearly doesn't. Many jobs are not that secure these days anyway. And not everyone can afford to live with one parent working just 39 hours a week. And it certainly isn't that easy for all women to step neatly back into the world of work when it suits them later on, with pension intact.

The issue here is about the op and her dh. His views and wishes are no less important than hers.

HeyLollyLolly, am I right in thinking that both you and your dh think you should look for another job while on maternity leave, and that might well be PT? And that the main bone of contention is actually whether you go back to work for a few weeks in order to get better paid maternity leave and annual leave?

If so, I understand why your dh is being intransigent - it doesn't seem like a huge ask for some significant financial and CV benefits. On the other hand, I've been in nightmare jobs where my confidence has been badly knocked, and I do understand that panicked fearful feeling that you would do ANYTHING not to have to go back in.

If that is what is going on, then I can better understand your rather intemperate response of 22:52:46 (otherwise, I have to say I think you were being rather rude to the other posters). But you might do better to acknowledge that to your dh, to say: "I know you're right, logically, but I'm just shit scared and really freaked out and I don't know how I can walk back in there'. You can then have an honest conversation about the different options that might help you be able to do that. Then, once you're in maternity leave, you can explore other career options and start making your decisions about the longer term. SAHM or nothing seems a rather drastic premise to be starting from right now.