Under pressure from hubby to keep working

[HeyLollyLolly]

Anyone else finding their other half less supportive than anticipated over the choice to work or be a SAHM?

I took 2 yrs off with my first DD, taking advantage of a good voluntary redundancy package which we made work for us. Wanted time to figure out what kind of mum I wanted to be. DH seemed supportive while the lump sum I got was helping top up our income. Planned to find a part-time position during the 2nd year. In a semi-professional, relatively niche career and found nothing even to apply for that was part-time. So applied for and got a full-time job, hoping to do 6 months then apply to convert to part-time.

Have been miserable in it though. Combination of deep unhappiness at spending so little time parenting my daughter, plus poor training and support in the job which has lots of stuff in it that's new to me, plus heaps of bureacracy to navigate. At many stages along the way I've wanted to quit - it just hasn't felt right. But hubby has encouraged me to hold on a bit longer, give it more of a chance etc. We're pregnant again so the push has been to make it to my mat leave. But after 4 months of working I couldn't take any more, went to my doctor and was signed off with stress. That was 8 weeks ago. My health is better so ai expect to be signed on again, but I still don't want to go back to work. The thought of it fills me with dread and horror. I'd only have to do a few weeks on a phased return basis before annual leave and my mat leave kick in. But even that horrifies me. My confidence has really been knocked and I don't think the training or support issues will be much better.

If I go back, I can have my years mat leave then apply for a part-time return. From where I am right now though I don't think I'd even want that. I'm not ruling out working at all. I just want to wipe the slate clean and start over fresh at the right time with the right job. I want to be fair to my employers too. If I quit now, I can re-org my hols, bring forward my mat leave and still get my SMP. However if I go back for a few weeks and don't quit now, even if I quit later I'll get additional backdated holiday pay. I don't feel comfy though working the system that way to eek every penny out of my employers when I'm not at all committed to working for them. However my hubby really wants me to do this. He's told me at each stage (somewhat reluctantly at times) that it's ok if I quit if the job's not working out, but every time I want to do it he fights me on it and he's fighting me now still - regardless of the fact that trying to force this situation to work has made me ill. I feel it's never ever going to be ok with him for me to quit under any circumstances. We can afford to live on just his salary and have savings too. When we decided to have a family I thought he supported me choosing what kind of mum I wanted to be. That doesnt seem true now. He's right to point out that I'm the more aspirational of us with hopes and desires for bigger houses, holidays etc, but I've told him I can accept the drop in standard of living. He says he can too but I'm doubting that now. We're having battles about it now and I don't know what to do. He says he'll go with my decision whatever it is but he doesn't agree with my quitting. I feel it's his decision too since it makes him the sole breadwinner and don't know what to do.

Sorry for long rambling ranting post!

Happy mum = happy kids! Going to work is making me miserable!

No way would I expect dh to work while I chose not to, just as he would not expect to give up work and expect me to be the sole earner. For various reasons.

Maybe your dh hates work as much as you do but just has tp go tp work to get paid so cracks on with it?

SAHM is a valid choice, people are not dismissing it or implying that women have battled fpr years in vain. In the current climate I don't think anyone is wise unless excpetionally secure to bow out of employment. Maybe your dh has this hanging over his head as a troubling thought? Maybe he wants the e=security of two employed parents in case (but hopefully not) something happened to either job?

Maybe your h would like top reduce his hours slightly to spend time with the dc and was hoping your income would support a reduction in his? Maybe your dh wants you to remain skilled and active in the workplace for future security and job options?

You might 'get by' on your dh's wage, but getting by is a lot different to havng spare cash tp dothings and treat yourselves, maybe your dh is wanting to avoind being skint?

"I don't think it trumps me having to ignore every fibre of my being regarding being a mother or how I feel my children should be cared for and raised" and hopw about how your dh feels as a father? Or does he just work work work work work and if mum and baby are happy then the work knackered dad should be too?

I work pt, btw, I don't jusdge SAHMs, F/T working mums or whoever.

Well said, Devora.

If OP cannot bring herself to go back to work now (which is a smallish but financially important step), why should her dh believe that she will step up to the plate to find an equivalent job, which is realistically going to be ft, from a standing start having been out of the workplace for 4+ years.

Good post devora

From what the op says, she's well enough to return to work, she would have a phased return and then in a matter of weeks would be on ML. Assuming she takes a years ML, and can possibly return part time after that, it seems eminently reasonable for her dh to want her to do that, rather than just resign. Apart from anything else, to resign now would make it very hard to apply for new jobs from a position of strength. Her dh is taking a long view rather than the knee jerk 'I really don't want to go back so id rather just jack it in' approach. I also agree that its vital the op explains the sources of stress like poor training. The employer can only address these if she's upfront about it.

Over what time period does this research show that happy mummy = happy baby? Can you point us to it?

Leaving a baby is hard, but being unemployable with older dc can be soul destroying

as partners you share responsibilities,it's big ask for him to solely earn
because you don't want to work
what about the kind of dad he wants to be and family life he wants

I can believe that happy parents contribute to children being happy .
But it seems supremely selfish for anyone to think one parents happiness is more important than the other's

lolly you are already on your way to precious moments mama
with the poorly educated strangers and raising your own child quip
so when (if ever) do you plan to work and contribute to family?or is it housewifery from here to 20xx

I never said his happiness didnt count Willow. But surely during pregnancy isnt the time to be feeling this stressed about work? I just feel that there is definately a compromise in there somewhere. But the DH insisting she stay in a stressful environment while pregnant because he doesnt want to be sole earner is a bit shitty. Its his child too, both parents need to make sacrifices for their child.

Surely a phased return to work, with just a short while before ML is a reasonable compromise though? The family get the security of maternity pay, a job to return to and the chance for the op to apply for flexible working after her time off. The alternative- resigning and foregoing all maternity rights - is hardly compromising. It's taking a very short term view and will make it harder for the op to ever get back to work

The ops husband seems very happy with the idea of her seeking alternative work, and also with the idea of her working part time - and he is prepared to work full time to accommodate this. He sounds far more willing to compromise than she does

You can contribute in more ways than paid work!

OP - I'm currently the breadwinner for my family (not out of choice due to my DH not being able to find work). I thought my DH would support me being a stay at home wife but it just hasn't happened. The alternative is we split up and I be a single mum and life would be even harder.

On the other hand.....

My DH could be a stay at home husband but I refuse him to be because I can't stand the pressure of being the only one financially responsible. That's my own personal reason. I do feel 'robbed' at the same time of not having the option to stay at home and being a full time mum but that doesn't mean it's fair to my DH.

Given the choice - both myself and DH would rather stay at home parenting than work but it's not financially viable for us.

I can see why your DH wants you to keep your job.

I would say, stay in for the maternity leave, it's not long to go! It is stressful and you do hate it but the rewards of having paid maternity leave would be fantastic. It would really help you all if you could just hang in there, go on paid leave and then look at your options.

You can contribute much in life that isn't paid work. However depending on the others earnings your salary may be needed to pay bills. Small children are quite cheap, big ones not so much.

OP, I take it you're not really wanting to hear much that contradicts your own point of view, but for what it's worth ..

I find being the sole earner extremely stressful. In my case it is unavoidable as DH is too ill to work. My work is rapidly becoming intolerable and my employment prospects are grim unless I can move my family, which means not only ds' school but renegotiating an entire set of local health services for DH - and that's just if we stay in this country, god only knows what I would do if we had to move elsewhere in terms of health insurance and the like.

I recognise in your original post the same feeling of blind panic that I feel about my job - the need to get out at any cost. I am, quite frankly, desperate to stop working and I feel utterly demoralised and deskilled.

So all I would say is that there may be merit in unlinking your feelings of dread about your current role from the right balance of work and home life for everyone in your family. What is driving your DH's negativity towards the choice you want to make? And how do you address his concerns, whilst he equally addresses yours?

You need to look at the risks of each option, not just the reward. A related example would be couples I know where both were working at the same firm and made redundant simultaneously (the company went bust so 'made redundant' is a polite term for 'laid off without pay'). Other couples who were more fortunate made a conscious choice to have one partner move out of the firm in order to spread the risk of redundancy. There are a number of risks involved in you moving out of the workforce for a period of time. It would certainly be easy to let your feelings about your current job cloud your judgement - I know I am!

Just to add my DH has found a job now, things are more equalised between us and relationship dynamics is so much more better. We don't row as much or feel resentful. I've recently taken an 8 week parental leave sabbatical just to take break from working full time just to be a mummy again and it's helped my esteem hugely.

It's not for everyone to have two working parents (not necessarily two full time) but for many people, including myself, easing the financial pressure off one sole earner improves the entire family dynamics. There's always option to take parental leave too (employment entitlement).

Sidestepping the issue of SAHMs and their DP/Hs, what are your work doing to help you? Have the issues re training etc been addressed? They have contributed to your ill health. How do they plan to change things? I'd be talking to a union rep/HR about that.

At the moment it's natural to want to burn all bridges and start fresh elsewhere. I understand why your DH wants you to go back until maternity kicks in, as that's a long period not to be earning, but I think you need to explain to him exactly how the idea of walking back into your place of work makes you feel at the moment, physically and emotionally.

You need some support at work for changes to be made and possibly some help in altering the way you deal with work problems and stress when they do arise.

Starrycole- you express very well what i feel too. The model of father working and mother staying at home doesn't suit a lot of couples nowadays. Not sure it ever did tbh but it was just how things were for a period of time. I don't believe men and women are so fundamentally different to eachother that men don't want to be caring and nurturing or that women don't want to use their skills in the workplace. We no longer force girls into cookery and needlework at school and then push them towards early marriage and babies rather than university, so it follows naturally that men and women probably want similar experiences out of life, and that this will create a healthy dynamic in the family. It doesn't mean couples can't have the woman at home and the dad working if it suits them BOTH but i think it's entirely understandable that the way the world is now, more and more couples probably don't want to be pigeonholed into those roles, and would find that it doesn't always make for a positive family dynamic anyway

Lolly have you looked into taking unpaid parental leave, or starting your maternity leave earlier (you can start from 29 weeks)? At least that way you have got much longer to decide what you would like to do, and not burning any bridges!

FWIW I'm a SAHM since having DS, it's the best thing for our family and DH is happy to be the breadwinner. If he wasn't happy, we would have to have looked into alternative options, as I know it's a massive responsibility to place on him. I agree with other posters, it's not a decision you can take individually, you both have to be happy with it.

Do you also think he could be concerned about you wanting the bigger house etc? That although you say you are happy to lower your standard of living, you will eventually start piling on the pressure for him to earn more, so you can get those things? If so you need to reassure him!

I do think it will be very hard for you to get a part time job if you leave this one, I would personally be staying just until you can finish for mat leave. You may find that over those 12 months your feelings change, and if they don't then you're no worse off are you?

I've been pondering this and think the biggest problem is confidence. Motivation is rooted in confidence and like many mothers, the OP's is shot. Starting a new job after your life has been transformed is really tough. Adding pregnancy to the mix makes it more exhausting.