returned to work full time - exhausted and can't cope

[GiantUnderCrackers]

I guess I just need some advice or opinion on my current situation... I work full time (1 day a week from home) as an Events Manager. I manage a team of 3 - there are some team issues at the moment and we are getting super busy. I work long hours for events maybe once a month which isn't too bad. I returned to work in March after maternity leave when my dd was 9 moths old. I am exhausted, by dd has been catching bugs from nursery so I have taken about 8 days so far to look after her. She doesn't sleep well. I am surviving on 5-7 hours a night. I am constantly playing catch up at work and feel like I am pretending to be in control. DH is under a lot of pressure at work and I am doing most of the childcare in non work hours.Noone at work has said anything yet but so far I have covered my tracks ok re my feeling like I am pretending! At home I am doing stupid things like leaving the front door open, scratching the car by accident etc. My DH is getting really annoyed with me being miserable and horrible to be around and getting annoyed with me doing stupid things. I feel am doing everything badly - work, time with dd, time with dh. I keep saying to him I am at breaking point and he says I tell him this every month and it is hormonal. I feel like I am not being listened to. I tell him I can't do it, he says it is hormones, i get annoyed and then just get on with it, then I tell him I can't do it, and on it goes... He says I have to work due to £. The reality is I want to work but full time with a 2.5hr commute each day is killing me. We could survive with me working part time but he isn't willing to lower our standard of living. He is very negative when I ask for help. I feel like I am drowning and I want more time with my dd. He says if I can come up with another option that brings in the same money then he'll look at my suggestion. I am feeling trapped and at breaking point. I need a better balance. This makes dh sound horrible but he is just a bit of a non emotional man about certain things, he is a great dad and when we get on well a lovely man. How can I make this situation better? I am really starting to go to work with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and at the moment I am on the edge of tears all the time..

You poor thing you sound really stressed out and you have my sympathy. I originally went back to work 4 days and quickly found I couldnt cope and they agreed to drop it down to 3. Is there any way you can work at home another 1/2 days a week maybe if there is NO WAY you can drop to PT hours? I think your DH is being very unfair not to spupport you in this - the welfare of you and your DD should be of higher importance than your standard of living although I know everything is not as black and white as that.

Oh you poor thing. I can't leave this unanswered. It sounds like your DH is being very unfair too. He has stress at work, but you have too. It's not like yours is a non-job, is it? You are doing most of the childcare at home, and then work FT, on top of a 2.5 hour commute. No wonder you can't cope! It's not hormones. If you can cut back on the luxury (which I think you can, as you say you could lower the standard of living), I think you really should consider PT. Being stressed all the time is not good for your health or your family.

While you drop to PT, maybe you can look for work closer to home? (Or even from home)? Is that a possibilty? I work FT but I'm lucky that I don't have a commute as I work local. It makes a huge difference when you save 2.5hrs a day, I'm sure you can imagine. Also my DH is very supportive and help with childcare. For example, he always change and dress DD before he leaves for work in the morning. He also does the bath.

Something has to change, I hope you DH can understand it. He can't pretend it will go back to how it was before he has a child.

Personally I think I'd be offering him a choice of either reducing your hours at work, or him taking over a significant amount of childcare. If he's so concerned about you working financially, then that would surely be a good compromise? Maybe if he does that for a while, he will appreciate how hard you were working and would be more inclined to agree to you working part time

Do you have help? Eg. A cleaner? Do you take short cuts eg. Ready meals?
I would really want to cut down on that commute, it is too much.
I would also go and see your GP, it sounds to me as though you are on your way to a breakdown.
Have you requested flexible working or reduced hours at work?

Do you have a good relationship with your PIL? If so could they talk to him?

That sounds awful and you do sound exhausted. I had a similar crisis point earlier this year and went to see GP. In the end I didn't change anything but admitting I felt a bit down in itself helped as it gave me some perspective.

I think it is hard for husbands. He isn't being fair but from his point of view all he sees is struggles with money, it is black and white for him so you will have to find a way to get your point across - non emotionally.

Practically: do you have a cleaner? Do online shopping? Canyon do two days at home outside of busy periods? Why are you doing all the child are?

You will get through this, I promise. And there is no way anyone thinks you are doing a bad job? I think we are programmes to be hard on ourselves.

It is not hormones, it is overwork, it really will not be that bad lowering your standards of living if you work part time-you quickly get used to it. Take some time calculating how your budget will change if you go part time. When you were on maternity leave someone must have covered for you, is it possible for them to take over your duties if you go part time? It sounds like you do enjoy your job. I hope that you can sort this out soon.

The reason for the worry over £ is that in 2009 dh was made redundant twice and so was I, so he is very worried about anything like that happening again which is understandable. My work wouldn't let me go back p/t but agreed to adjusted hours and a day working from home. DH was keen for me to go back full time anyway for the full salary. Work won't look at another flexible working request for another year - you can only put in one request a year.

We have a cleaner every other week and meals I cook take less than 30mins or are bung in the oven jobs. So I have tried to take pressure off on that front but still feel like I can't cope. Maybe it is just me not managing. I could work from home but I need to build up a business and dh doesn't see much promise in it - I trained as a baby massage instructor whilst on maternity leave. But I don't have his support on getting this off the ground. I think it could really work in the area I live. I have started looking at local jobs but none will be at the same pay level as I am on now. He really does not want to change how we live - that is the crux of the situation. I just don't know what to do...

Have you worked out how much you spend commuting? You may scare yourself if you work it out at a total cost per year.

Also, a simple one that many people seem to miss is simply going to bed an hour earlier during the week. It may seem like quite a sacrifice but you will feel so much better at weekends that it makes up for the lack of 'me time' during the week. When DD is older you can start to get your evenings back.

The local jobs might not be at the same level of pay, but it will still cushion the effect of redundancies isn't it? I don't see how you can manage if you are commuting for 2.5 hrs, on a very demanding job, AND doing most of the childcare. You aren't a superhuman.

Like I say in my original post, other mums who manage to work FT isn't more superwoman than you. We have shorter (or even zero) commutes, and supportive husband or families.

Don't blame yourself on not coping.

We have the same

Oh out the house 8-6 pm
Me out the house 7.30-7

We have a fabulous lady who used to work as a chef abroad when younger but in the uk took work as a cleaner during her children's school hours. We pay her a bit extra than her normal rate but she comes in 3 hours twice a week and cooks a couple of meals each time and does a bit of cleaning

Means we only cook maybe once a week a week as she has kindly made and frozen extra, and she just cleans what she has time for ( say bathroom once a week, Hoover run around whilst food cooking, bungs all cooking things in dishwasher etc) she will also sign for parcels etc if arrange on those days

She literally gives us a life and isn't really anymore expensive as we were tempted to eat out or grab a takeaway much more often before so roughly evens out

We do all shopping online ( use smart phone through week to add to list then just send it across)

Dh needs to pull weight also. Without a 50/50 share her it wouldn't work. Lay in once each at weekend to recharge or have super easy sun mornings etc where children are places in front of a DVD, with easy food and drink

If you can work from home another day would help as reduce commute. Can you move closer to work? For us we compromise as live very close to work but the prices are so steep that we live in a small flat ( but saves sanity as would never be in if added an hour extra either end of the day

How old are your children? Can the help out? If school age get majority of homework done whilst they are cared for after school, if nursery can they have dinner at nursery? Can you drop in pjs/ breakfast at nursery to save time in the morning

Sorry see dd is young.
In that case really see if during the days you are out commuting that nursery do as much as they can

So all meals weekdays etc, and some will change from/ into pjs if picki g up late

I would tell dh that either he helps or paid help will be brought in
He really needs to give you a break especially at the weekends.

At nighs if she's not sleeping well you alternate who gets up ( you both work so it's hard for both but halving will be half as bad). She is also at the age where she should sleep through/ settle better soon so just look up. Have you tried sleep training?

Could you move nearer to your place of work, or get an au pair to live in ?

I think going back FT with a 9 MO is very hard because, as you say, of all the sickness etc. I went back 3 days and I just about coped but there is no way that I could have worked FT.

I think your husband is being a total shit about this tbh. He is not hearing you because he doesn't want to. Your health and wellbeing is being sacrificed so that you can keep up a standard of living that you don't care about. You're doing the bulk of the childcare (assume that means getting up in the night too) and you're also trying to work full time.

If you're both working full time, you have to take equal responsibility for the childcare and domestic chores - anything else will see the woman going under (and I say woman because it is the woman in a relationship in 99.9% of cases who finds themselves in this situation).

You are being absolutely totally reasonable. It is not remotely feasible to have a full time job, a 2.5 hour commute and do all the childcare (outside work hours) for a

Agree with the poster above who says work out the income of your massage business compared o the costs of commute + childcare. In my opinion the killer is not work but commuting. I really think in 100 years historians will look back on it and think we were all utterly daft.

I work ft but have 10 min walk to work - I dot think it is feasible otherwise.
No wonder you're shattered.

Anyway, if your DH is unemotional and worried about money work it all up as a proper plan and present it to him.

OP, I was in a similar situation to you a couple of years ago. It was the lack of sleep that was a major issue with me. The stress due to the lack I sleep was making me stressed and it was a really vicious circle. Do you take holidays? I suggest you take a break to just do nothing but sleep to put things in perspective. If working a massage business is what u want to do, do it. But if you are going to regret giving up a well paying Job and financial security, hang in there and do the bare minimal at work to get you past the difficult stage of child raring. It does get easier. Have something to look forward to every fortnight at least. Can u move closer to work. Your commute is the second thing I would tackle after the sleep deprivation. Other than that, things will slot into place.

To get past the dc waking up, I dd co. sleeping. Not the 'done' hung but it meant I got some rest.

When I went part time I realised in reality you don't get half the money as the tax you pay is less.

Much sympathy for you - it's very hard and you're doing it tougher than your DH. I haven't got any answers, though I hope you find a better balance either at your existing job or in a new role.

Can you look for a job doing what you do now, but closer to home?

I think the thing that has to change is the amount of support you get from your DH. :(

Why isn't he doing half the cooking, childcare and housework?

Agree with minipie and others, your DH is not being fair and cannot expect things to carry on as before. Especially during maternity leave he will have got used to you covering everything, now that you're back at work the balance has got to shift - but it doesn't sound like this was discussed/realised beforehand. [Not blaming you on this, same happened to me - the reality of it doesn't hit til you actually go back to work and it is a shock].

There will be more baby sick days - can you get your DH to cover the odd one here & there? Would help to allow reality to sink in. Find an 'unmissable' staff meeting and just go [yes I know, easy to say - but if it's clear DD will be off for 2-3 days in a go, you do Day 1 then DH does Day 2 - at least he'll have 24-hr warning which is better than you get].

Is your DH able to cope with your DD on his own as that may be part of the issue? not just an hour or so but at least 3-4 hours if not a full day? Get him to cover weekends, start to regularly leave DD with him for a Sat/Sun morning or afternoon (they'll both survive, though you need to let go of things done 'your' way) - doesn't fix the weekday issue but will start to educate your DH . And gives you a bit of me-time to refresh yourself.

It does get easier once routines adapt, and get as much sleep as you can. Agree with suggestion of going to bed earlier - should be top priority as you can't function otherwise, let alone head off on a long commute. I don't think as it stands things are workable though - either the commute, or the hours, but mainly your DH involvement (or lack thereof).

Poor you OP

Imagine the exact same situation with a supportive, sympathetic DH who did 50% of ALL household jobs and 50% of ALL childcare. Your situation would be transformed. I hope very much for your and your family's sake that he changes his approach to life with a child very soon. Best of luck.

How are you doing OP?